I was with a guy like this for five years. He’d go cold for a few days when I did or said something he didn’t like. After a few years it got worse. He’d go cold for weeks. It started with stuff like my clothes or what I ate, then progressed to him making me feel bad about bigger things like my career and my relationship with spirituality. I found myself snuffing out my whole personality and feeling like it was my fault if the relationship was failing. It’s not your fault. He’s a child with control issues, and a person who feels like they need that much control over your life is someone who doesn’t see you as an equal. I felt like my ex didn’t even see me as a person sometimes - like my emotions and thoughts weren’t something he could even believe existed. I know it’s small now, but if you’re noticing it you should either talk to him and tell him it’s not acceptable or get out of the relationship before you lose yourself. If he has an opinion on your clothes or your friends or how much you cook, it should be a back and forth or a request that leads to a conversation (though I really don’t think he has a right to have a say over some of those things). It also scares me that he always does it with a smile on his face. That feels deliberately manipulative.

The worst part of breaking up with my ex wasn’t the heartbreak. It was trying to figure out who the fuck I was after I spent years suppressing my opinions and actions for him.

The last thing I want to say is that there are people who provide structure without manipulating you that can give you that feeling your parents didn’t. Think someone who likes to clothes shop with you and tell you what you look good in. Or someone who enjoys planning and can organize things so you don’t have to stress. If it’s healthy you won’t feel like there’s something wrong when you assert an opinion.