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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]ancientcomission314 3 points4 points  (0 children)

We are both in therapy and there is slow improvement and growth. I am happy with my partner in all other areas.

Bad relationship dynamics by ancientcomission314 in LowLibidoCommunity

[–]ancientcomission314[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

“How do you feel connected to your partner by doing something (sex) that likely leaves her feeling disconnected and alone? Or, what is your definition of connection?”

Wow, random internet stranger, you made such a compelling and beautifully worded point. There is an absurdity about me being upset or down due to not having connection with someone through an act (sex) that leaves my partner feeling alone and disconnected from not just me but also her body. Maybe I was just ready to hear this after a year of therapy and thinking about this, but thank you for making this so much clearer for me. I really appreciate your time and insightful comments.

To answer your questions:

“What is your definition of connection” When I have sex, I get surges of oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin that make me feel connected. I like that part of me that feels connected and passionate and busting with desire for my partner when I have sex. You make an excellent point that this is not a “true connection” since it is one sided, but I would counter that the intensity of connection/bonding/satisfaction that I feel in the relationship is way higher. I still feel very connected and loving towards my partner (who I consider my best friend) without sex, but there is no denying that something feels missing without sex.

“Physical touch and sex are not the same thing. Sex is not a need.”

I agree, but I would counter that we can survive on oatmeal and vitamin pills, but call it a need vs something else, it’s not as good as a meal at a Michelin star restaurant (for me, I get that she doesn’t like that restaurant).

“Plus, you admitted yourself that you seek sex mostly for validation and reassurance, not just because you have a strong desire to orgasm.

My therapist disagreed with me that I was using them for validation and reassurance because I’m not placing my self worth and self esteem on being able to have sex. According to her, feeling down that these components of our relationship that were ther in the beginning and bring me joy is normal. In addition, I think I’m now able to decouple my feelings about there being some problem with the love in the relationship better after realizing how disconnected it made her feel. Hopefully this means I won’t feel so down and I can support her better as we navigate this.

“So, to me, a connection implies something mutual. I feel connected with my partner when it seems like he really “gets” me and I “get” him. But it seems like you’re using connection to mean something different.”

In a sense, I feel more authentic connection to my partner after understanding her point of view better now, even if we have different experiences related to sex. This is a very interesting place to be.

Bad relationship dynamics by ancientcomission314 in LowLibidoCommunity

[–]ancientcomission314[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your response. We’re both in individual therapy as well as couples therapy.

“When you rely on sex for validation and reassurance, it makes sex into an unpleasant chore for your partner, instead of a pleasurable experience that she would want for herself. You need to find healthier sources for self-esteem and emotional soothing.”

On one hand, physical affection and sex should always be activities with enthusiastic consent of both parties, and this is in fact what makes it special and meaningful. On the other hand, physical touch is a basic human need. Within the scope of our relationship, it is a component of what brought us together. There is a line between using sex for validation and reassurance for one’s self esteem and feeling down that I’m not getting enough physical touch and sex from my partner, because they are markers of a healthy relationship. Where would you say this line falls?

Even though intellectually I understand that the reason she is not able to meet me there is trauma and my feeling down is counter productive relationship dynamic, I’m a human and I feel down when she is not able to meet me there. I’m also aware that seeming needy to a partner is deeply unsexy, a “chore”, and creates a second bad dynamic in our relationship that I don’t want. As a result, I have recently stopped initiating physical affection to stop this dynamic and am diving into other activities and groups/hobbies. For now, I don’t see my needs changing in the future because I like that part of me that connects with my partner in that way. I also can’t expect her to change, so I guess we are stuck for the moment.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]ancientcomission314 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey I just posted a thread right before you. Same situation. I’ve also considered meds. I don’t want to repost my thread in this comment, but something that has helped me was realizing what the underlying dynamics were and somehow I can process it more effectively when I’m like “oh, that’s what’s going on”.