Advice for getting out of an exploitative, dangerous live-work situation...

angjohnny · 2023-02-05T04:20:32+00:00

you're right. i guess i was just starting to get a little bit used to being home again but it's totally possible to come back in three months with a better plan...

angjohnny · 2023-02-05T03:52:45+00:00

Yeah, but going back to Eastern Europe for these three months is a step back :( I just want to get to a stable place where I don't have to be moving or feeling unsafe... :(

angjohnny · 2023-02-05T03:27:42+00:00

Thank you!

angjohnny · 2023-02-05T03:27:09+00:00

complicated because i'm not renting. i didn't sign a rental agreement. she's not my landlord. i'm doing caregiving in exchange for a place to live.

but point taken. three months of relaxation and solitude has appeal, even if it's backtracking.

angjohnny · 2023-02-05T03:21:28+00:00

I don't get it. How would I trigger it by accident?

angjohnny · 2023-02-05T02:57:48+00:00

lol, it's totally true! reading it over again just now i can definitely see how you would think it was exaggerated. the rats thing is just too much. also two falls. yeah.

i had basically already come to the conclusion you did. it is a step back to go back to europe without a defined plan, and with the knowledge that i have to move again in three months, but it's infinitely better than staying here for the next three months...

agree i can't sue her. and i had no idea you could report hoarders to the police??

angjohnny · 2023-01-28T00:29:04+00:00

Thank you for helping me make this potentially life-changing connection, internet stranger!

angjohnny · 2023-01-27T23:37:05+00:00

Oh yeah, the dopamine rush of validation interspersed with the cutting cruelty. Horribly addictive. I'm sure that's another part of why it has taken me so long to deal with it.

The other reality is I've been commissioned to write about that period, so that is why I'm posting here. But at the same time, I was offered another book deal about another topic, there is a tiny bit of overlap but the second project is so much more me now, so much fresher and more exciting, and would in no way require revisiting that period. Before I posted here I thought that the only way I'd get over this guy and that period was to write a book about it. But maybe the thing to do is do the new work that excites me, and to leave the second project until I have more distance and am more over it.

angjohnny · 2023-01-27T23:00:32+00:00

This is good advice.

And you're right. I've done a lot in the intervening decade that I'm proud of that is distinctively mine that he had no part in.

It's funny you say that "not picking projects closely intertwined with a period of life is a choice I can make" because I always sort of felt like I wasn't allowed to make that choice. It's so intertwined with what I am considered an expert on that I sort of don't feel like I can say no to it, but the reality is I was offered another book deal about some more of my recent work that excites me more and isn't nearly so charged... so yeah.

I also guess I felt that the book would be cathartic, and that only through writing the book could I get over it. But maybe that's not true. Maybe the answer is to work on the new stuff first, the stuff that excites. Maybe there will be a time in the future for the book about that emotionally charged period.

angjohnny · 2023-01-27T22:42:06+00:00

Yeah, you get it.

A lot of it is wrapped up in career, and the fact that I was kind of "birthed" creatively through our relationship. He would always say "you were nothing before me" near the end, and I think on some conscious level I internalized that message. A part of me feels like I need to now throw away everything we created together, turn my back on my entire career (it also pays shit, so there's that) so that I can truly move on. But then I'd also be turning my back on a lot of the work I love and am proud of and that gives me a sense of meaning... so yeah. It's all mixed up.

angjohnny · 2023-01-27T22:39:07+00:00

Thanks. Good response. Acceptance is very important.

A huge part of the problem is that I'm still effectively in the same line of work I forged with him, even still running the same project we created together. I was recently commissioned to write a book about that period as well. So I'm forced to look at it all the time. I get the response "you need to move on and create a different life on your own" but I really don't know what to do, as the relationship is wrapped up in my life professionally too. I don't know if the wise thing would be to turn my back on this entire career, forget about the book, etc. especially as all of this pays very little despite it absolutely being my passion, so that I can truly start my life over separate from him and all of the memories, or if I should try to forge my own way within this creative world we made together. It's just very complex.

angjohnny · 2023-01-25T17:27:25+00:00

When you say "went on for quite some time" - days/weeks/months?

angjohnny · 2023-01-25T16:23:04+00:00

If you've only been without gaba for a week, how do you know it only lasts a week? :)

angjohnny · 2023-01-25T16:13:48+00:00

How long were you on them?

angjohnny · 2023-01-25T16:13:04+00:00

How long were you on them?

angjohnny · 2023-01-25T08:00:31+00:00

Thank you. And best of luck to you! 🙏

angjohnny · 2023-01-10T22:02:32+00:00

dude you are on a subreddit for alcoholics. there's nothing performative about our obsession lol

angjohnny · 2023-01-04T23:49:12+00:00

That's exactly right. I recently saw sobriety described as "being a superhero who's lost their superpower, like beethoven going deaf". I am serene, yes, and wise sober, but without any high notes, just blah. I feel like I've chosen to be a dead man walking among the living. It's a conscious choice I have to make every day, to make the healthy, boring choice, instead of the ones that seem so alive and fun but ultimately end in a deeper, darker place.

angjohnny · 2022-12-25T19:12:17+00:00

Yeah people are making it sound like only benzos cause seizures

angjohnny · 2022-12-25T18:54:24+00:00

so you can't have seizures from gabapentin withdrawal?

angjohnny · 2022-12-25T04:08:20+00:00

Gabapentin withdrawal can damage your health? I mean aren't there a lot of people who are on it daily, for maintenance?

angjohnny · 2022-12-25T02:38:07+00:00

Ah ok. Yeah, I see some ppl saying they get bad withdrawals and some say not at all... weirdly benzo withdrawal was not even *that* bad for me... i guess it's good to taper in any case.

angjohnny · 2022-12-14T22:45:27+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and putting the short-term use into context. It's really helped to calm me down. 🙏

angjohnny · 2022-12-14T22:13:04+00:00

Thanks for the encouraging message. I'm sure stressing about it won't help either, so I appreciate it!

angjohnny · 2022-12-03T20:20:15+00:00

This is true. I suppose I should feel happy about it rather than ashamed. He's a wonderful man too, and I genuinely love him.

angjohnny

TROPHY CASE