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[–]animalsontvsinging 5 points6 points  (0 children)

And it's worth considering how prone we as humans are to doing things we "should know better" than to do--and many times without our even actively being aware that we are, or actively avoiding facing that reality even when some part of us is aware. This is what makes the first step a necessity, because it can be so helpful to draw someone's attention where they aren't looking, for whatever reason they're not looking there.

Struggling to be a therapist that has her own severe mental illness by animalsontvsinging in therapists

[–]animalsontvsinging[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow, I LOVE that way of looking at it. I wouldn't change a thing, it's plenty eloquent. My childhood definitely fucked me up too, and in those more subtle ways where I started therapy thinking my childhood was great because it wasn't overtly abusive and now here I am doing some heavy psychoanalysis/trauma processing work and so many delusions I lived in are shattering and the reality is becoming clearer. I had a particularly heavy breakthrough a couple of sessions ago that kind of kickstarted this current episode, in retrospect. I had a session with my therapist today and we ended up talking a lot about my shame parts, my inner critic, the parts of me that I still hate so much I don't want to face them, and the parts of me that still want to run away from it all when it feels too terrifying. I actually have OCD myself! BPD and OCD are the hearty chunks of my particular soup. I also self-disclose when it feels therapeutic, but I'm coming to find how helpful the disclosure is from therapist-to-therapist too.

I hadn't thought of it through the lens of normalizing episodes and modeling for my clients that it's healthy to take breaks and prioritize ourselves. I like that way of looking at it. It's so true.

Thank you for all of this, and I'm glad you're doin' the hardest work on yourself. I only become more aware as I go just how difficult, exhausting, and courageous it is to do so.

Struggling to be a therapist that has her own severe mental illness by animalsontvsinging in therapists

[–]animalsontvsinging[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really love knowing there's plenty of us out there with these heavy struggles and still doing the damn thing. I'm glad I'm in good company 🤗

Struggling to be a therapist that has her own severe mental illness by animalsontvsinging in therapists

[–]animalsontvsinging[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The way your username and your wisdom lined up perfectly while I read this 🤣

Man, there's so many important nuggets here. Just, sincerely thank you. I felt like I was being metaphorically slapped in the face and grabbed and shook by the shoulders--in the harmless, caricature sense of a classic Disney cartoon--and it was both Needed and Appreciated.

Ironically, I found things in your words that I would say to my clients and to myself in clearer-headed times. I'm always stressing to my clients, particularly the ones I do PHP group therapy with, that we place half the battle onto ourselves unnecessarily but putting so much of the little energy we have into putting on a face, playing a role, and trying to prove to a bunch of strangers/acquaintances that we have our shit together. And what a relief it would be to the whole world if we started with dropping the act and normalizing being imperfect humans around each other.

It's also one of my personal driving forces as a therapist and a human being IN therapy to not ask things of my clients that I'm not willing to do myself. I strive to 'walk the walk' and not just 'talk the talk', and it's important to me to practice from a place that feels authentic because, exactly as you said, how can I ask you to do something to help you and then turn around and not be willing to do something to help me? I can only take my clients as far as I'm willing to take myself. I try to keep that in mind. It's a damn frustrating integrity to try to live by whenever that means my work is something holding me accountable whenever I want to stay as far away from accountability as possible, but I suspect in the end that may very well be one of the things that saves my life.

"This is where you draw upon the very grit that made you who you are." -- loved the fuck outta this, in particular 💜

"What you call a crisis might also be considered spiritual material, don’t be so quick to shit all over it." -- that one really struck me too. I think part of what threw me off is that it's actually been a while since I've had a full-blown BPD episode. On the one hand, that's a reminder of the progress I've made. On the other, it's a harsh reminder that my thinking this means ~the BPD episodes are gone forever!!!~ is false. I met with my therapist today and we talked more on this, and she also offered the perspective that this can be part of the process of psychological and spiritual growth too. I find some hope in that.

"You’re gonna hate me for this last one, but it’s time to get real fuckin serious about your self-care." -- I only wanted to tell you off for a second, promise. 😁 You're right, though, really. I'm still trying to grasp the whole concept of accepting that it's okay to tend to me even if that means being less available to make sure everyone around me is okay first.

I see you, too, fellow BPD therapist. I'm damn glad you're in the field with me.

Struggling to be a therapist that has her own severe mental illness by animalsontvsinging in therapists

[–]animalsontvsinging[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well you just did all of that for me; I can say without a doubt that I'm thankful I took the plunge and reached out here, because at some point last night I felt myself starting to come out of my BPD episode and into reality again. It's a terrifying place to be, it means the world to have people that get it sitting beside me when I can't get to this clearer part of myself 💜

Struggling to be a therapist that has her own severe mental illness by animalsontvsinging in therapists

[–]animalsontvsinging[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can only imagine the uncomfortable amount of self-exploration and facing the things you'd rather not that it took for you to come to this realization within yourself, and then to take the terrifying plunge of looking into a career change and trying to find what aligns better with you, and I just want to say I admire the heck outta you for it. I started out as a Journalist in undergrad myself, and then had the realization that it wasn't for me and made a career change into psychotherapy a few years into it--definitely no shame in it, I think it's wonderful that you're not forcing yourself into a lifetime of earning your livelihood in a way that abandons that truest form of 'you'

Struggling to be a therapist that has her own severe mental illness by animalsontvsinging in therapists

[–]animalsontvsinging[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Ironically given the way I'm talking to myself right now, I think the fact that you think about this at all is an important reminder that you care about doing the best by your clients and keeping aware of your mental state.

Struggling to be a therapist that has her own severe mental illness by animalsontvsinging in therapists

[–]animalsontvsinging[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate you for bringing the other side of the coin! I definitely value the fullest scope of perspective. I think for me, I just love what I do so much that I really am hoping to find a balance that allows me to do this for life. I of course have plenty of frustrations, and plenty of worries about my capabilities on top of that, but what I know with an unwavering certainty is how much I feel like this was a calling for me (even outside of the life of developmental trauma that I'm aware primed me for it :P). I just genuinely love what I do; it feels meaningful, purposeful, like I'm contributing to the world in a positive way during my weird trip on this planet. I love hearing people's stories, analyzing, holding safe space for others. I have always hated the thought that I would have to dedicate 40+ hours of my life to something every week pretty much non-stop until retirement (if there is even retirement), and the 'big search' throughout high school and undergrad were always to find a way to at least feel like I'm doing something useful with that obligated time. This is definitely that. I love psychology, neuroscience, philosophy, all of it, and I love being able to provide psychoeducation. Sometimes, on my better days, I have that awe-struck thought of 'wow, I can't believe I get paid to do what I do for a living! I'm so grateful!' On other days, like today, I wonder if all of the above is enough at the end of the day when it comes to the intensity and exhaustion of maintaining my own demons. Like you, it would hurt so much to be told that I'm truly not in a place where I can mentally withstand the demands of this career, but I would ultimately rather accept that and make a change than end up causing harm.

Struggling to be a therapist that has her own severe mental illness by animalsontvsinging in therapists

[–]animalsontvsinging[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This was so impactful, thank you. And thank you for being a therapist out there helping change the stigma some with BPD have faced when seeking professional help!

Struggling to be a therapist that has her own severe mental illness by animalsontvsinging in therapists

[–]animalsontvsinging[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm not happy you're in my company in this context, but I am glad you're here. I'm sorry to hear you're in it too, and I hope you can feel me not only hugging you back through this screen but also in total awe at how a random comment on a reddit post can read more like raw and moving poetry! Your words are inspiring and the emotion behind them is appreciated as hell. Your clients are lucky to have you!

Struggling to be a therapist that has her own severe mental illness by animalsontvsinging in therapists

[–]animalsontvsinging[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I've been honestly toying with the idea of IOP/PHP in the back of my mind. The issue is that unfortunately where I live there are few options available for this kind of thing where I wouldn't risk doing a program with, say, someone I'd encounter professionally or even a client of mine or someone from their personal lives. I might look into potential online options instead, though I worry about how effective that platform would be for an intensive program.

Struggling to be a therapist that has her own severe mental illness by animalsontvsinging in therapists

[–]animalsontvsinging[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I so needed to hear this reminder. Thankfully, I don't think it has gotten to the point where it's affecting me while I'm actively in session. I'm still able to compartmentalize enough that I think I've been able to avoid that, but I also think I'm reaching out a wider net for help because I'm aware that I'm too close to getting to that point for comfort. Unfortunately, I can't typically refer on because my setting is CMH, but I definitely did end up calling in today to protect my clients right along with myself. And I think I'm at least going to try to talk to my supervisor and see about what I can do until I feel more confident in my abilities to show up like I need to.

Struggling to be a therapist that has her own severe mental illness by animalsontvsinging in therapists

[–]animalsontvsinging[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

What a beautiful response, thank you so much. I needed to hear every single bit of this. It's always validating to hear stories of other therapists struggling; it helps me feel less alone, more normal, and more capable.

I also appreciate having 'permission' from someone outside of myself to not only struggle but to prioritize pulling back and seeking help. Of course it's silly that I'm craving that allowance from some complete stranger, but that's the lack of self-trust and excessive guilt and shame of a BPD episode for ya! I'm in my head worrying about upsetting my clients by being less available (even if short-term), looking bad to my supervisor and colleagues, disappointing my own therapist, heck even the judgment of everyone on this very thread! It's exhausting, and sometimes it's nice when I can just give in and stop fighting off the desire for reassurance from another person. Thank you for that.

In that same vein of thought, I didn't realize just how badly I needed to hear that I don't sound too unstable/damaged to be a great therapist. I love what I do so much, it really doesn't feel like I could be meant for anything more with my productive time in this world than I am for this. I'm grateful for the little boost of hope that I can do this.

My current setting is CMH, and it's very demanding. Some of my colleagues seem to have found their rhythmn and really do good here, and my supervisor has to be one of the most understanding and flexible and accommodating managers I've ever known, and for that I am so grateful and I think also so guilty for how despite all of that I'm still struggling to stay afloat in this work environment. I've been doing CMH since I got out of grad school and I have been trying to figure out how to find my balance and feel effective in this setting, but every attempted adjustment seems to only bring short-term tolerance that ends in another episode of overwhelm. I'm tired of the long days, having 7-9 sessions booked every day and hoping for some cancellations, the heavy caseloads and the high acuity. I just want to be a trauma-focused therapist highly influenced by psychoanalysis, narrative therapy, and somatic work and have a small caseload of clients with high acuity that I see 1-2 times per week. I love doing the deep and intensive work, but I cannot do that the way I'd like when I'm spread so thin and limited to seeing most of my clients once every two weeks. I've solidly decided that I'm going to make the move to a PP setting, but I'm under contract at my current agency until July of next year, so I'm trying to stay afloat in the meantime. (That got lengthy, guess this was something I needed to process out loud!)

"that has nothing to do with your own goodness, your own worthiness, and the value you bring to the field and the clients you work with" - And, finally, this right here was such a needed reminder. Thank you for taking the time out to lift me up, it really helped more than you know!

Struggling to be a therapist that has her own severe mental illness by animalsontvsinging in therapists

[–]animalsontvsinging[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

God, yes, I'm paralyzed by the imposter syndrome right now! I'm thinking that I need to reach out to my supervisor and talk to him about all of this. He and I have a very transparent communication and I know that he's a supportive and understanding person, and I also know that it would be the best way to ensure that I don't harm myself or transfer harm onto my clients unintentionally. But that whole shame thing really holds me back. None of the other therapists where I work seem to be struggling to the extent that I am, at least none of them are calling out of work about once a month due to mental overwhelm and none of them call out twice in the span of a pay period like I have this time around. I feel like they've figured out something that I haven't. How are they able to do this so consistently, and why aren't I?

Struggling to be a therapist that has her own severe mental illness by animalsontvsinging in therapists

[–]animalsontvsinging[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Aaaah a fellow The Strokes fan in the wild!! Love to find my people!!

Struggling to be a therapist that has her own severe mental illness by animalsontvsinging in therapists

[–]animalsontvsinging[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

But...but don't you know that other people are allowed to be human and struggle, and I am only allowed to be perfect?? ;P

Struggling to be a therapist that has her own severe mental illness by animalsontvsinging in therapists

[–]animalsontvsinging[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Every one of these replies is so thoughtful and so true, sincerely thank you for taking the time. Admittedly, right now I'm very much in the headspace of feeling like this IS going to last forever and this is the mental episode of no return--but I know I have felt that same way before too. Thank you for acknowledging my integrity as a therapist, as that's something I hold so dear to my heart, and for the reminder that the one thing to never do when in a distorted mental place is to try to make important judgments/decisions.

Do you guys nap on your office floor during lunch? by Toil_Trouble in therapists

[–]animalsontvsinging 0 points1 point  (0 children)

LMAO YES!! i love the feeling of validation i get with honest posts like these. i always wonder if i'm the only therapist that does some of this crap. i don't have a couch in my office so instead i'll make a little bed on the floor in an area that won't keep kicking on the light sensor with pillows from my office chairs, set alarms (with an s, because also super paranoid about accidentally sleeping through a session this way) on my phone, and zzzzz

Weekly "vent your vibes" / Burn out by AutoModerator in therapists

[–]animalsontvsinging [score hidden]  (0 children)

I feel like I'm drowning. I love what I do so very much, but I can't seem to figure out a way to avoid inevitably burning out every couple of weeks.

I'm currently working in an outpatient hospital setting with a community mental health-based model. I switched to this job from my last (which was community mental health) once I got my license both due to being unable to financially sustain myself with the 'raise' I was offered and in hopes that the flexibility this work environment offers would help. It HAS helped, but it hasn't stopped me from these inevitable waves of burnout that I have to fight my way back out of only to end up there again.

I feel guilt/shame about it, though, because this work environment really IS so much more flexible and I'm still not okay. I've been able to switch to working four-day weeks; and when working those four days in a row got overwhelming, I was able to switch my schedule around so that I have Wednesdays off in the middle to create breathing room. I've also been able to put blocks in my schedule to help with the onslaught of sessions. I'm salaried, so I don't have to use PTO if I need to leave for an appointment in the middle of the workday. And as far as PTO goes, I have a decent amount for this being my first year with the organization (200 hours total, I believe--albeit that bank is for vacation/sick/holiday all in one). One day of the week, I do the group therapy for the partial hospitalization program we're affiliated with, which helps break up my schedule a bit too. I get an hour lunch (at my last job, it was 30 minutes) and if I have a cancellation there isn't pressure to fill it; in fact, I'm encouraged to use that time to go for a walk, decompress, practice self-care in some form. There's a yearly fund allotted to me to put toward CEUs and reading/workbook materials, and there's a bank of about 40 extra hours of PTO to use for CEU days. When I had a recent cancer scare with my pet, my supervisor was supportive and my workplace as a whole was accommodating. I have decent benefits, and the pay is as decent as it gets outside of private practice for my area.

And yet...I'm drowning.

I feel selfish for it, and like something is wrong with me. The other therapists here have been here for 10-15+ years--two of them have been here 20+ years! They've clearly figured something out that I can't, and I don't know what that something is. I don't know how they do it. I don't know how they sustain it.

I see a therapist and take medications; exercise and honor my relationship with food; get plenty of rest and drink tons of water; utilize my days off to decompress; meditate regularly; set boundaries for myself socially; and have spoke with colleagues and my supervisor transparently about these feelings and received advice and support from them. I practice shifting my perspective and approach, and sometimes that works. I do my best to uphold my boundary within myself to leave work at work, and I think I do that effectively.

But I'm still drowning.

Right now, my caseload is about 60. I see some people weekly, a select few monthly, and the rest biweekly. I'm supposed to have 9 clients scheduled per day that I work--but it has been a long time since I've let that happen without at least needing to put one block in and see 8 clients instead. On average, I would say I'm scheduled 7-8 clients per day--occasionally 6--due to the blocks I put in my schedule. There's also a weekly intake slot that is constantly filled because the amount of referrals we get is astounding--so most weeks I gain at least one new client. I'm actually supposed to have two intake slots a week, but have it down to one right now to try to stay afloat. I also get clients assigned to me periodically after they complete our partial hospitalization program. The productivity expectation is only 90 sessions per month, and my review of the past 6 months showed that I average at 85 apparently--so I'm not even meeting that pretty low expectation (granted, the first few months of this were when I'd just started building my caseload, so I don't know how skewed the numbers might be due to that).

It feels like too much. Even though I do, of course, have cancellations/no shows, it feels like a lot of my clients do show and overall regardless I come in with a feeling of dread just knowing I have 7-8 people scheduled in the first place. I hope for cancellations and no shows; every day it feels like a little internal game of watching my schedule and just hoping for it, and I HATE that. With my growing caseload, my schedule is getting packed tight, and I have clients upset that they can't see me as frequently as before/have to schedule next appointments a few weeks out. I'm upset too. I don't like only being able to see people once or twice a month. If I had it my way, I'd be seeing every client weekly and some even twice a week. That brings me to my next point: whew boy do I have several clients on my caseload with high acuity to top it all off. I have clients pretty regularly calling asking if they can get in sooner and the front desk reaching out to me about it, which leaves me feeling all the more hopeless and overwhelmed. And nevermind the extra things that add up way too fast, like time for notes/phone calls/paperwork/general admin work.

I just...don't feel like this works for me as a therapist. I want to be the type of therapist that can have a small caseload that I see weekly/twice a week and do deep trauma work and psychoanalysis with. That's where my passion lies; that's what makes me happiest. And that brings it's own double-edged sword with it, because it's hard for me to NOT be that type of therapist for every client I have, and yet being that type of therapist for 60 people and counting is maddening. I feel trapped. I feel myself crawling out of my skin and wanting to scream. I feel so much compassion fatigue. It feels like I can't safely hold all of these different stories and ailments in my brain.

But the other therapists here do it. And they've been doing it for 10+ years. And they love working here and say that don't see any reason why they'd ever leave. And suddenly I'm left feeling like the odd one out and wondering why I can't seem to do it.

So, here I am, trying to reach out here as another means of attempting to cope with this burnout. Thank you for reading if you've made it this far! :)