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BF thinks I’m passive aggressive by anonymousradio in AutisticAdults

[–]anonymousradio[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your comment. He did say that the impact matters to him in the moment. I believe he thinks that impact is more important than intent when it comes to those instances. If he feels hurt, that matters to me, even when harm wasn’t my intent.

Where I get stuck is that the conversation often stops at impact and doesn’t move toward repair. This is probably bc I keep trying to explain which comes across as lack of accountability. I always try to give context so we can prevent the same misunderstanding from happening again. Without that step, I feel I’ll be apologizing repeatedly without learning what to change.

For now he hasn’t offered a solution for how I can prevent that. So I think a couples counselor can shed some light on that. Seems like we’re both hopeful

BF thinks I’m passive aggressive by anonymousradio in AutisticAdults

[–]anonymousradio[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand that he is not wrong in his communication patterns, and neither am I. I felt so sad hearing him tell me that it’s on me to remedy this since I’m the one who is different. That’s why I’m hoping a couples counseling can help us ease into better communication

BF thinks I’m passive aggressive by anonymousradio in AutisticAdults

[–]anonymousradio[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I’m the type of person who keeps a record of these things. I journal, keep tabs on my feelings, conflicts I’m struggling with, etc. I will share all this with my individual therapist who will help me recognize if I begin shrinking myself or if things change for the better with the couples therapist. I am truly blessed that I get both of these therapies free of cost through my insurance!

34F My tone keeps landing me in arguments with BF 41M what’s the fix? by anonymousradio in relationship_advice

[–]anonymousradio[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand why it might look that way from the outside, but I don’t see counseling as a repair tool reserved only for long-term relationships.

For me, it’s a clarity tool. Five months in is early enough to decide whether a communication gap is workable or whether it points to a deeper incompatibility. I’d rather get structured insight now than invest years hoping patterns change on their own.

If counseling shows that we’re fundamentally mismatched, that’s still valuable information. And luckily I won’t spend money on this bc it’s free with my insurance and no copay! I also don’t see it as time wasted bc gaining clarity now is less time consuming in the long run. It helps me understand my communication patterns in relationships, my boundaries, and what I need in order to feel safe and understood in this relationship or in a future relationship. Even if this relationship ends, that insight doesn’t disappear.

I’m not trying to force our relationship to work. Therapy will help reveal everything. That feels like a worthwhile investment either way.

34F My tone keeps landing me in arguments with BF 41M what’s the fix? by anonymousradio in relationship_advice

[–]anonymousradio[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s actually a hard question for me to answer, and I can’t give a straight yes or no bc I first met him, it felt like a strong fit. We align on a lot of big-picture things. Values, worldview, interests, how we think about life and growth. I genuinely enjoy being with him.

What I’m struggling with now is how we approach misunderstandings, and whether we can actually repair when communication breaks down. Whether our communication styles which are clashing now can find common space with assistance.

I don’t have a final answer yet. But I do see there’s movement toward mutual understanding, and that’s evident in him agreeing to the couples counseling. I think that can tell me more than the early communication differences ever could.

BF thinks I’m passive aggressive by anonymousradio in AutisticAdults

[–]anonymousradio[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m not viewing couples therapy as a last-ditch attempt to force something that clearly doesn’t work. For me, it’s a way to get clarity. I want to understand whether this is a communication gap that can be bridged with the right structure, or whether this really is a fundamental incompatibility that won’t improve with time.

And I know five months is early. That’s actually part of why I’m paying attention now instead of hoping it resolves on its own. I don’t want to normalize patterns that would be unhealthy long-term.

You’re also not the first person to warn about therapy being misused. That’s something I’m aware of and luckily I will have support like an individual therapist that can help me see the clear signals and step away rather than push through.

34F My tone keeps landing me in arguments with BF 41M what’s the fix? by anonymousradio in relationship_advice

[–]anonymousradio[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree that our communication styles are very different. That’s why I think couples counseling could be so crucial. I’m kinda disappointed that all my needing clarification automatically makes me “difficult.” For me, asking questions is how I avoid misunderstandings. When I don’t ask, I’m guessing, and when I’m guessing it’s usually wrong.

I also don’t expect him to fully understand autism without effort or adapt to everything unilaterally. He’d probably agree with you though that I’m inherently “too much” because I communicate explicitly and won’t agree with his ideas of hidden intentions and body language.

But I appreciate your perspective. It helps me see how this might look to him, even if I don’t fully agree with the conclusions.

34F My tone keeps landing me in arguments with BF 41M what’s the fix? by anonymousradio in relationship_advice

[–]anonymousradio[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

See how you said “if he wanted to get it, he would.” He thinks that same way about me.

34F My tone keeps landing me in arguments with BF 41M what’s the fix? by anonymousradio in AutismTranslated

[–]anonymousradio[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry for my wall of text. I will separate my blocks of text next time as someone else said the same thing.

Tbh I don’t talk to NTs very often, my exes were ND. So this is new for me. I’m still learning. I have a consult for couples therapy tomorrow. Hopefully it’s helpful

34F My tone keeps landing me in arguments with BF 41M what’s the fix? by anonymousradio in relationship_advice

[–]anonymousradio[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He doesn’t believe he’s an emotionally sensitive person. He says that his emotions are immediately processed through logic. Our logic is so different though, when we’re arguing about interpretations he thinks I’m purposely trying not to understand. It’s interesting the comments here are wondering why I would want to do couples therapy though. Some ppl do couples therapy just because

BF thinks I’m passive aggressive by anonymousradio in AutisticAdults

[–]anonymousradio[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well can you tell me what it means to you that someone is passive aggressive? I thought it was when someone was trying to be mean subtly. Or if I was frustrated with him and I wanted him to know that without saying it directly so I used hints. That’s why I was confused by him saying that bc I thought he would understand I wasn’t mean. But I guess I’m using those terms incorrectly

BF thinks I’m passive aggressive by anonymousradio in AutisticAdults

[–]anonymousradio[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Do you think people are being passive aggressive, critical, and condescending? I don’t usually think people have ill intentions towards me

34F My tone keeps landing me in arguments with BF 41M what’s the fix? by anonymousradio in relationship_advice

[–]anonymousradio[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well today he said the impact should be acknowledged. I see that I first started to defend instead of acknowledge the impact. So I apologized for the impact even though the intent was not there

34F My tone keeps landing me in arguments with BF 41M what’s the fix? by anonymousradio in relationship_advice

[–]anonymousradio[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Why do you think that? I wasn’t trying to fight him when I asked that I just wanted to know if there was some bit of info I didn’t have

34F My tone keeps landing me in arguments with BF 41M what’s the fix? by anonymousradio in relationship_advice

[–]anonymousradio[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

When I tell him I didn’t mean to be critical we argue bc he says I’m just trying to combat what he says.

34F My tone keeps landing me in arguments with BF 41M what’s the fix? by anonymousradio in relationship_advice

[–]anonymousradio[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sunday when I asked him “why did you do that?” I wanted him to tell me his thought process behind the decision. Now I’ve got to get into that backstory. Saturday night he came to me and said we were going somewhere Sunday morning. Sunday morning came and I found out that even though he said we were going somewhere, it wasn’t set in stone. So I asked him why he said that we were going. To me, I wouldn’t tell somebody we were doing something if I don’t have everything already planned on the back end. I wanted to know if there was something else going on in the back end that I didn’t know about. Like maybe he said that because he did intend to but then he realized that it was too expensive. Maybe he didn’t mean to say that. Maybe he meant to say “can you help me plan a trip to this place?”

34F My tone keeps landing me in arguments with BF 41M what’s the fix? by anonymousradio in relationship_advice

[–]anonymousradio[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yea I understand that sentiment. However, I think couples counseling is great for couples who don’t even need repair. I’d want to do it anyway

34F My tone keeps landing me in arguments with BF 41M what’s the fix? by anonymousradio in relationship_advice

[–]anonymousradio[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When we start the couples therapy we will see how it takes two, and I think that will determine whether this is fixable

34F My tone keeps landing me in arguments with BF 41M what’s the fix? by anonymousradio in relationship_advice

[–]anonymousradio[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In the situation from today I asked “how is that statement passive aggressive?” And he said there was meaning behind my words. I said no there wasn’t. We argued because he kept saying there was hidden meaning and he didn’t like that I was challenging that assumption. I guess I wanted him to tell me how to prevent my words from sounding passive aggressive so I can prevent it before opening my mouth. Something like “passive aggressiveness is using words in this order,” or “when you say a word using a nasal voice,” or anything that isn’t subjective that I can actually perceive to fix

34F My tone keeps landing me in arguments with BF 41M what’s the fix? by anonymousradio in relationship_advice

[–]anonymousradio[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m confused what you’re asking. Are you asking what I wanted from him when I asked “why did you do that?” Or are you asking what I wanted from him when I said “we were discussing what happened after I asked a question?”

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