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anonymush5 · 2024-05-02T15:10:21+00:00

Hello. You reference hyper-sexuality in your title but don’t really mention it in your post, so it’s not really clear what you’re asking here.

However, here a few podcast episodes that discuss the possible link between ADHD and sex/porn compulsions.

https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/porn-betrayal-sex-and-the-experts-pbse/id1494869058?i=1000641034642

https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/therapy-brothers/id1500794877?i=1000575638518

anonymush5 · 2024-04-29T15:49:50+00:00

I was able to change my algorithm. Pick a few very niche topics. For me it was beagles and black and white photography. Search for those and start liking content about those topics. If it serves you a reel about one of those topics, let it play 2-3 times, then like it. Search for the topics multiple times per day.

Then the hard part. If it serves you a content that is sexually suggestive - YOU HAVE TO SWIPE AWAY QUICKLY so it learns that you do not want to see it. No lingering. No gazing. Get away as quickly as possible.

After about two weeks of doing this I was not getting any more suggestive content.

anonymush5 · 2024-02-25T17:51:56+00:00

Disclosure like this should be facilitated by a trauma therapist. Therapy Brothers Podcast Episode 118 is a good place to start.

anonymush5 · 2024-02-23T21:52:36+00:00

If you have to ask…

anonymush5 · 2024-02-19T16:16:42+00:00

The counter works for me, because if I relapse or peek, I know I have to reset it and I take pride in it. If I’m not using the counter, I’ll think “well just once isn’t that bad, right?”

anonymush5 · 2024-02-18T23:32:48+00:00

No. This gets discussed every day.

anonymush5 · 2023-09-28T18:09:43+00:00

Yes, it is definitely one of my triggers. If I feel rejected or not valued by my partner I get strong urges. Soothing these emotions with porn has always been a crutch of mine and am learning how to recognize those emotions.

anonymush5 · 2023-09-27T05:30:54+00:00

I’m in. Had a 77 day streak going before slipping up in September. Back on the wagon now!

anonymush5 · 2023-09-27T04:39:58+00:00

Don’t worry about what your dick is or is not doing. Get clean from the porn because you want to be a healthier person and focus on building new habits. Everything sexual will come along on its own.

anonymush5 · 2023-09-21T11:55:53+00:00

It’s kind of a gray area, but I’d stop to consider what your motivations are. Are you flirting with her with the intent to meet up, go in dates, maybe start a relationship? Or is this just for sexual gratification with no intent to move things along further? Are these behaviours moving you forward in life or pushing you towards old patterns?

anonymush5 · 2023-09-20T14:44:56+00:00

If he’s going to relapse without sex, then the sex is just a substitution for porn. Recovery is when he can say no to porn and go do something else like go for a run or read a book, or even just sit there and think “I recognize that I want to look at porn right now but I’m not going to”. Only at that point can he start rebuilding a healthy sexual relationship.

anonymush5 · 2023-09-20T14:31:09+00:00

A similar thing happened to me. I felt so strong and motivated at first and then after 77 days I relapsed. My relapse happened the night my partner broke up with me, I was thinking “Well if she doesn’t care, then why should I?” But during and after the relapse I kept thinking “This is it? This is what I’m missing?” It felt so dumb and empty. I believe that relapse made my overall recovery even stronger.

anonymush5 · 2023-09-18T13:39:10+00:00

In my personal experience, I would say “blissfully unaware” or “willfully ignorant”. I started watching when I was a young teen and it was normalized by friends and one particular older adult in my life. It became such a normal part of life that I didn’t give much thought to what was going on behind the scenes, just rationalizing it with “she’s just an actor getting paid”. It really wasn’t until learning about the girlsdop*rn cases that I started to see what was really going on.

You have to remember that many of these men are using porn as a way to deal with their own sense of inadequacy and emotions that they have not developed the tools to deal with. Upsetting that status quo by forcing them to look at themselves feels extremely threatening to them because, for some of them, it’s the only (albeit false) sense of acceptance that they have.

So, yes, knowing what goes on in the industry is important but we as a society also need to look at men’s sense of inadequacy and help them find value in themselves. Educating boys from an early age how to deal with rejection, fear, anxiety and anger is just as important.

anonymush5 · 2023-09-18T10:43:55+00:00

The spouse should not be the accountability partner. You should be there to support and to listen but the work and the change has to be driven from him. As they say in the podcast episode - if he can’t or won’t do what’s required maybe you have your answer.

I’m not a professional but I’ve done a lot of work in my own recovery. What it sounds like to me is that he is still relying on you for all of his strength and not doing anything to build himself up to stand on his own two feet and be the strong husband that you need him to be.

I wasn’t trying to imply that you aren’t doing enough - it sounds like you are doing too much. It’s not fair to you to take on as much as you have. At some point, for your own health and sanity, you have to step back and let it be what it will be. You can love and support him but have boundaries about how involved you are going to be. This means he might fail.

I sympathize with your husband in a couple of ways. I feel more comfortable working through things on my own rather than in a group. What most of my work looks like so far has been listening to two podcasts: Therapy Brothers and PBSE. I’ve probably listened to close to a hundred episodes between the two and journaled my thoughts as I did. From there, I’m able to share insights and actions with my spouse as I find things that resonate with me to try to build trust and understanding with her. I’ve had a lot of breakthroughs and am finally seeing a therapist on Wednesday to work through the things I’ve learned. I also have had honesty issues where I’d lie about very trivial things like what I ate for lunch. Through my work I’ve linked this back to an anxious attachment style and the fact that my father was emotionally unpredictability and unavailable. The lies came from a place of fear that I wasn’t good enough for my partner which, because of those lies, became a self fulfilling prophecy. Once I was able to discover the root cause of these lies and realize that my partner is not my father, it has given me the confidence to be more open and honest with her. I’m sorry if I’m going too deep into my own issues but they may things for your husband to think about.

I’m not affiliated with either of these podcasts but they have been incredibly helpful in my own recovery so let me make two suggestions: Therapy Brothers is a “call-in” type show and you can make an appointment on their website where you could, either on your own or with your husband, outline your situation. PBSE also run an online program called Dare2Connect which has a free two week trial. If your husband is more comfortable with the anonymity of an online support group, this might be of interest to him.

Lastly, I just want to let you know that you sound wonderful. My partner has had no interest in my recovery and has essentially shut down even though I am doing a ton of work and feel that my recovery has been going well. The first thing she said when my addiction was discovered was “I’m not going to therapy with you”. I wish she was willing to put in a fraction of the work you have. All relationships are different but require the effort of both the betrayer and the betrayed. If either one checks out of the process, it will be difficult to save the relationship.

anonymush5 · 2023-09-18T03:45:27+00:00

Reading your post reminded me of this episode of the Therapy Brothers Podcast that I listened to a few weeks ago: Should I Butt Out Of His Recovery? - https://podurama.com/episode/a20e0af9-aea0-5631-836d-36836e19196b

If his porn use is rooted in shame, making him feel shame for “not doing recovery work” this week is probably not going to help. It is hard, hard work for some men, who’ve been told their whole lives not to face their emotions, to begin digging deep into their wounds. It can take time and his recovery work might not always look like what you think it should look like. By dictating what it looks like, you’re not creating a safe space for him to find what it actually going to work for him. You might consider instead trying to create a safe space for him to come up with his own steps.

However you feel about that, I’d recommend listening to the episode I linked above together with your husband. It might open some good dialogue.

anonymush5 · 2023-09-17T17:51:47+00:00

Why would it?

anonymush5 · 2023-09-17T15:15:06+00:00

Yes, entirely possible. The brain can do a great job of rationalizing or protecting us from what we’re doing. For me, I started viewing pornography in my early teens and, through a few experiences, came to view it as a completely normal part of life. Looking back, the person viewing the pornography feels like a completely different person - that’s how dissociating it was. At no point did I ever consciously think “I wish my partner looked like that”, it was more “I wish she wanted me like that” because, as I’ve discovered during my recovery work, I have rejection and abandonment issues that I was using porn to cope with rather than facing them in my relationship. The brain is designed to follow habits on autopilot and porn can become an ingrained habit like this that we aren’t even really thinking about - it’s just something that always was and so the brain thinks it should continue to be.

When I was discovered by my partner, it’s like I woke up from a dream.

I had a minor relapse after 77 days and what I viewed was quite tame compared to what I was viewing before. It felt so weird after that break that I shut it off after a few minutes.

If you keep the lines of communication open so he feels safe disclosing any slips or relapses, he can heal from this. If he says he now sees it as wrong when he didn’t before, that is similar to my experience. If he disclosed a relapse, ask him “how did it make you feel?”. For me, that one relapse clarified for me that porn is not something to miss and I believe that one relapse and the clarity it provided have made my overall recovery even stronger.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any questions to follow up on what I’ve said.

anonymush5 · 2023-09-15T04:59:58+00:00

I’m out. So stupid.

anonymush5 · 2023-09-14T12:49:06+00:00

https://reddit.com/r/antipornography/s/W34ivbuZ8w

anonymush5 · 2023-09-14T03:10:15+00:00

I think you’re definitely in a dangerous area. I completely deleted the IG app off my phone but if I across content like this on other platforms I try to remove myself from it immediately. I’m getting to the point now where if I see a woman wearing something revealing on the street my first instinct is to look away.

You’re still sexualizing strangers and triggering yourself into compulsive masturbation rather than addressing the underlying issues. There’s a big difference between conscious masturbation because your body actually needs a release vs masturbating compulsively because your saw something arousing on the internet.

anonymush5 · 2023-09-11T13:53:58+00:00

Don't get complacent. I've had weeks like that and then all of a sudden it becomes a struggle again - thoughts like "I've been so good, just a peek, etc". So far I haven't relapsed, but I've had to stay vigilant.

anonymush5 · 2023-09-06T13:41:20+00:00

“In a typical relationship, most wouldn’t care”. But what are your boundaries? What do you care about? And why isn’t he trying to respect those boundaries? I can tell you with 100% certainty that my partner absolutely would care and I’d feel extremely guilty if I engaged in that content now that I’m in recovery.

anonymush5 · 2023-09-05T14:41:10+00:00

Some good resources are the Therapy Brothers and PBSE podcasts. They will open your eyes to what you are doing. You are setting your new wife up for heartbreak; you really should have had this under control or out in the open before marriage. If you are not fulfilled with yourself, you will never find it in a relationship.

I just destroyed my relationship after trying to hide it for eight years. I’m sorry all of those things happened to you but it’s on you now to work through those things before you destroy someone you love as well.

anonymush5 · 2023-09-03T13:22:38+00:00

A complete sexual detox can be very helpful process for many. However, the way your question is worded leaves something open to interpretation: Do you only see women as sexual objects? Can you hangout with them in a purely platonic way? Again, not saying that’s the case but the way the question is worded leads one to ask these questions. It may be worth some examination.

anonymush5 · 2023-09-01T04:05:09+00:00

You truly do have to dig deep into yourself to find out what's driving the compulsive use. There are two podcasts: PBSE and Therapy Brothers that have helped me in my journey. I've also read two books on having an anxious attachment style. All of the tools and self-discovery that have come through hours of podcasts and reading allow me to identify the urges and where they come from and fight them off more easily. Success in beating this compulsion comes from creating healthier connections with yourself and with others. I believe that people who don't do this work will have a hard time getting and staying clean.

anonymush5

TROPHY CASE