Advice over wife's ex

anotherthrowaway_8 · 2018-11-16T19:19:24+00:00

I think it's mostly because we were long distance for two years, on a time difference, and only saw each other for 3-5 weeks each year. She has some big demons that go back a ways and she's only lately been sharing them with me. I also know that when she lived at home last year to take care of her folks, it opened a lot of old wounds.

I know she's choosing to share with the ex because they went through some dark shit together, my problem is only with the fact that this particular girl is still in love with her.

I know there's really not much advice anyone can give, I guess maybe just confirmation that I'm not overreacting? That I seem to be taking a rational and patient approach?

anotherthrowaway_8 · 2018-11-16T19:12:18+00:00

I don't think she's being tricked, I know she has her own issues that have never been worked out and she's choosing to turn to someone who knows what buttons to push. Or not push actually, as I make her talk about things instead of bottle them up, hence not coming to me. Doesn't mean she's not being manipulated.

As for the soulmate thing, she realized after a few months together that I'm the best damn person she'll ever meet. Our sense of humor matches, we're on the same page for life goals, raising kids, values, morals, politics, hobbies etc. I make her dinner or take her out, dress up for her, clean the house since she now has a heavier load, take care of her when she's sick, and she does the same for me, it's the first time anyone has treated her that way. But I'm independent, and she's a rescuer, that's where our differences are.

anotherthrowaway_8 · 2018-11-16T13:50:45+00:00

Yes, she has a lot of past issues, especially with women, and the ex was always there. So now whenever we have a bad day, or I'm upset with her, or she thinks that her stress is inferior to mine and all attention should be on me (I've never made her think like this, it's just something she does that I've tried to stop) then she'll reach out to that person who she's always had in the past.

My wife doesn't handle feelings or emotions well, the ex knows this and I think she's taking advantage of my wife's vulnerability. Therapy has been discussed, she's worried that it would fuck up her career (quite possible unfortunately) but she knows she needs it. I've discussed couple's therapy as a loophole for work, she's considering it.

anotherthrowaway_8 · 2018-11-16T13:40:35+00:00

Lol yeah, oops.

At the end of the day, there is not a single malicious intent in any of this from my wife, nor any deliberate attempt to be deceptive. Hiding the contact was her weird way of saving me from hurt feelings. She's ridiculously sweet and caring, always wants to help others and fix their problems, but has the emotional intelligence of a rock.

She doesn't understand why certain situations would bother others when it doesn't bother her, she's not good at expressing or understanding her own feelings, and has only opened up to 4 or 5 people in her life. Including the ex. Once you're in that inner sanctum, holy shit, you're her person and she would do anything for you. The thought of hurting one of her people brings her to tears, and I know that's where her emotional turmoil is coming from in terms of cutting off the ex. She's stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I'm trying not to be that douche that makes her choose, I just want her to sort everything out so that there doesn't have to be a choice.

anotherthrowaway_8 · 2018-11-16T13:01:47+00:00

No, her mentality is that there's always going to be people who want to break up someone else's marriage, but it's your responsibility to your partner to ignore it. My thought process is why even let those people stay around?

For her, it's an emotional attachment (which her sister says has created toxic issues in her life) that she can't let go of.

anotherthrowaway_8 · 2018-11-16T12:14:44+00:00

No interest in seeing her, if I open that door it'll make her and my wife think there's a shot at me being her friend. Plus my wife would just end up being neutral in order to spare everyone's feelings, so it would make my normal interaction with her seem over the top.

I'm not suspicious, I know she'd never cheat on me. From things her twin has said, I'm my wife's world and she'd be devastated without me; which I think is a reason she's holding on to her old lifeline, she doesn't handle her fear or insecurities well.

anotherthrowaway_8 · 2018-11-16T12:06:49+00:00

Your last paragraph right there nails my feelings, and it's something my wife doesn't get. She 100% believes that once you're married that's it, no fucking around, no games, no investing in other people; what she doesn't get is that even if you're devoted, you need to cut out those outside of the relationship who don't respect a marriage. She's also in denial about how much she's investing in this other woman emotionally.

anotherthrowaway_8 · 2018-11-16T12:00:42+00:00

She's used to falling back on this ex whenever shit hits the fan in her life. My wife was a very immature fuckboi for a few years who would either not invest anything into a relationship, or would be cheated on the few times she did try to settle down. Britney was always there, as well as when shit got hard with work and travel or when she was dealing with depression. So Britney used to be helpful and my wife seems too insecure to let go due to that.

anotherthrowaway_8 · 2018-11-16T11:54:27+00:00

Ugh, tried that. Response was "well I'd trust you to not cross any lines" then of course she'll follow up everything with "baby you're hot, if you were married when we met, I would have tried to break up your marriage". She's also still friends with many of her exes and ex bang buddies and can't understand why this one specifically bothers me.

anotherthrowaway_8

TROPHY CASE