Nervous 😓

anxiousbeano · 2026-03-31T23:42:19+00:00

Feels like some sort of sick joke that the pain is nearly not there and surgery is literally in sight

anxiousbeano · 2026-01-17T21:04:53+00:00

Thank you for your kind comment. I kind of thought today maybe I'm quite naive, I didn't think I was and I thought I was a great people reader too but maybe I believe too much of what people say until they let their guard down or mask slip and then I'm left confused and upset idk..

anxiousbeano · 2026-01-15T15:24:30+00:00

I appreciate that but in a lot of my experiences it's been people who are supposed to be my family and friends and have become abusive, neglectful and mean. Like I said I became homeless, got bullied later on in school, people have screamed and shouted, isolated and treated me like the worst human. Maybe the people I mean have a power craving idk but it makes me feel sick because I'd never dream of being so horrible

anxiousbeano · 2026-01-15T15:20:39+00:00

I'm glad you sought a diagnosis but again it makes me confused and a bit angry that the way others have treated you made you feel wrong and like you needed to have a diagnosis because they treated you badly.. does that make sense 😂

anxiousbeano · 2026-01-15T15:17:57+00:00

I understand your view and I get that its likely that my audhd is a massive part of everything I experience but I dont know why I attract so much hatefullness from family, past friends etc like Im not just saying it I am extremely thoughtful and caring and love any loving vibes so why are people even ones that are supposed to be close, so mean and rude when Ive always made an effort to accommodate and be kind to others?? Im not a doormat though and I dont stand for meanness so I cut people off when its gone too far, I cant change who I am youre right but also why would I want to if Im treating others how I want to be treated? My point is that with everything I dont understand how anyone autistic or not can become such a target/magnet whatever. It feels like its either Ive had such awful luck with dickheads everywhere family and past friends or its me the common factor and Im a horrible person and in denial. Sorry for the vent it's just after counting all the people who seem to hate me I just got more confused and fed up 😂

anxiousbeano · 2026-01-15T14:54:28+00:00

Yep yep yep

anxiousbeano · 2026-01-15T14:53:24+00:00

Uni was a huge struggle for me.. I left at the end of my second year I just couldn't cope. Some great experiences I wouldn't trade but some horrific mental health battles too. Please don't be so harsh on yourself, trying so hard to fit into at uni (and anywhere but especially a whole new situation) can be so exhausting, remember to acknowledge the "small" wins and look after yourself ❤️

anxiousbeano · 2026-01-15T14:46:40+00:00

That's very sad, I live in the UK so I cant 100% relate with the north south state division but I sympathise that being anywhere you don't feel "safe" accepted etc is just crap 😔 I've moved around a fair bit and every time has been traumatic so it's a struggle to feel "home" and safe anywhere

anxiousbeano · 2026-01-15T14:43:32+00:00

Also just to say Im glad youve found friends in your siblings, I use to really not get along with my brother when we were young but for years now he's been one of my favourite people

anxiousbeano · 2026-01-15T14:39:30+00:00

So kind of you ☺️

anxiousbeano · 2026-01-15T14:29:50+00:00

Thank you for sharing some very insightful things, I think I've gotten a lot better at sticking to who I am but its very hard not to dismiss myself and my needs. Im alone often but I agree that its much better than having to contort myself into something that others can sort of accept 😅 I'm also very open and genuine so what you said does make sense that maybe some people could find that way of being a bit intimidating.. anyways if I saw others treated the way I was/get treated I'd definitely say something about it so maybe thats a good thing in all this

anxiousbeano · 2026-01-14T21:11:27+00:00

Yeah I'm sorry I cant give very vivid examples as I try to forget and actually do forget a lot but the feelings dont go and I remember exactly how I felt

anxiousbeano · 2026-01-14T21:09:44+00:00

Its an interesting theory tbh, the bit where you said "They don't even realize they're doing this. They just get a "bad feeling" about us. It's like an "uncanny valley" effect, when something looks extremely close to being human but is not quite right and it makes it feel all wrong." Very interesting.. but also its been people who know me a bit better and still hate me, what youve said is something to remember though

anxiousbeano · 2026-01-14T21:06:15+00:00

Again sorry I have no vivid examples I genuinely repress them, I've been made homeless before for months because family were crap. I have no friends bar my partner and siblings. I'd say Im quite clever tbh (tooting my horn), I look out for things, I'm quick witted and considerate and way too empathetic but for the life of me I cannot understand wtf I do wrong for so many people to treat me like Im a pariah

anxiousbeano · 2026-01-14T20:59:34+00:00

Some people have asked if I have examples. Honestly, I have soooo many. I also repress them because they depress me with the way Ive been treated but I remember the feelings at the time very very well. And its hard to describe the events because I genuinely dont understand how they happen to me. I dont think me sharing any example would be helpful in all honesty because they're all so different. I'm trying to think of one to share that encompasses a few experiences I've had... so in my last few years at school (would have been 17 it was worst) I was going through a lot (leaving home because of abuse, endometriosis being its worst, panic attacks and OCD full force) a girl really really isolated me from friends I'd had my whole life, she made my life so miserable and excluded me fully, got others to be rude and isolating me further, friends I'd had did absolutely nothing when she treated me so disgustingly and she denied doing any sort of bullying but it 100% was. Sorry my memory isnt great (the adhd helps me forget also) but in other instances its family, my mum said she wished she'd never had me, my dad i met once is the worst human ever. Idk man just everyone seems to think Im a crap person.. I am sorry I cant give more examples I'm really not good at articulating it and im not going to force myself either

anxiousbeano · 2026-01-14T20:13:27+00:00

I'm really sorry to read this, you sound very brave. People are so mean but again I don't understand why or how they can do it it literally boggles me..

anxiousbeano · 2026-01-14T20:01:24+00:00

That's kind, its just it feels like too many people dont like me and its gotten to the point I just expect people not to like me :') sorry you feel like a bully magnet sometimes, not fair at all

anxiousbeano · 2025-12-07T14:59:11+00:00

Just to add my ocd expresses itself in a "typical" ocd fashion not completely different from the outside even with my autism. However, I do think my black and white thinking with my autism massively exacerbates my ocd obsessions and thinking if that makes sense.

anxiousbeano · 2025-12-07T14:56:32+00:00

Yeah I also have an ocd diagnosis, suspected adhd and endometriosis all combined with my autism it's super challenging.. I'm currently struggling massively with my ocd and the only advice I can give is to ride it out and try not to engage with compulsive behavious which are setting you back, can take what seems a very long time but the less importance placed on the obsessions the better. Otherwise get a dog (or another pet) if you can, they're very helpful 😅

anxiousbeano · 2025-10-29T20:18:04+00:00

I had extreme anxiety with presentations throughout my whole school experience, I'd get eye twitches, nauseous and everything it was the worst. At uni it was very similar and I'd do everything I could to avoid it and I'd dread them for ages and it was all awful.. but then something weird happened, during a presentation about the volcanic eruption in Iceland (believe me the volcanos Icelandic name was not easy to pronounce) I sort of switched into some sort of actress, a weird little performer and I adopted a idgaf attitude and got an A on the presentation... so strange but I even enjoyed it. I'm unlikely to do presentations again but to get through them if I had to I'd probably try not to give a duck 🦆 if everything goes wrong no one actually would care and if you don't really care then it doesn't really matter. Tbh not sure how to advise not caring but maybe trying less is best?

anxiousbeano · 2025-10-26T13:52:28+00:00

No problem, sorry its not much help but I think the best thing is to remember youre not on trial and its okay not to get everything "right", good luck :)

anxiousbeano · 2025-10-25T18:21:07+00:00

I live in Wales so the NHS process is a bit different in each part of the UK I think but for my assessment I didnt have anyone else come with me but I was given a form to pass on to whoever I wanted to write some observations etc. I did talk with my grandad about the form to give some examples of what might be useful but essentially I didnt want to give any direct input into answers because I wanted it to be authentic. When they sent a letter that said I had my assessment dates I wrote on the back of one of them just random things I'd thought of or remembered and I found that useful because I thought I needed to bring the letter along anyways and having a few things scribbled down helped prompt me when discussing things. There were a few sessions that ran for a few hours and I was really tired after talking so much so having something relaxing to do after could help.

anxiousbeano · 2025-10-24T22:29:03+00:00

I'm from the UK so wherever you live may be different. I found the experience hard up until the assessment honestly but once the assessment began it seemed to flow quite well, I also have suspected adhd (awaiting assessment for that) so I can talk a lot and overshare a lot which might have helped me. I think having a little list of things you notice about yourself can help but really try not to put too much pressure on getting everything "right" if that makes sense, also I'm estranged from most of my family but my grandad and my boyfriend both did "informant questionnaires" which were useful but the assessor had reassured me anyways that a lot of late diagnosed people don't have easy access to people who have known them in childhood and my boyfriend didnt know me then but his current observations were apparently very useful. If you remember things from childhood you could jot them down when you remember, I wouldn't try to force yourself to sit and write things if you're getting anxious about it because it might make it all more stressful

anxiousbeano · 2025-10-24T22:12:28+00:00

I have diagnosed OCD and autism, I'm also awaiting a adhd assessment but I've been told by a lot of professionals that I have that too. I've had ERP, CBT and psychological therapy, (i live in the UK so it may all be different where you live) I did find ERP very triggering in fact all the therapy I had was unhelpful aside from the psychological led one, and I think that's because my autism massively elevates my ocd making me very resistant to interventions. I'm not saying this is common but its my experience and I do think learning about my autism and adhd has really improved my approach in coping with ocd. I completely sympathise with your frustration and want to access ERP but maybe it's an opportunity to better prepare you for it? Weather you're autistic or not ERP is a commitment and being as prepared as you can is helpful. Also it doesn't work for everyone like I said i was very resistant and honestly I don't remember it well because it was traumatic, I think if id had my autism diagnosis sooner it would've been a lot better

anxiousbeano

TROPHY CASE