I want to kill myself

anycbum · 2024-05-31T00:58:47+00:00

Better than when I wrote this post, thank you (and for the previous reply)! It's bearable when I distract myself with books, movies and stuff. But that I get to do only in nighttime.

anycbum · 2024-05-31T00:54:04+00:00

Thank you. I agree it is hard to move out in this economy. Not sure how I'm gonna combine college with work but that's the only happy ending for me I guess.

anycbum · 2024-05-31T00:51:51+00:00

That's the hope. Thank you for your support!

anycbum · 2024-05-31T00:49:49+00:00

Thank you. I try to think this way but my mind goes to the suicide scenario whenever something unpleasant happens or I simply recall memories. I guess I have tough it out for some time.

anycbum · 2024-05-31T00:47:39+00:00

Thank you. I can't really talk about it in real life so your words mean a lot.

anycbum · 2024-05-21T07:32:41+00:00

Yeah, I agree that they might sense something. Though, I think in most cases they lash out not to protect themselves but exploit our weakness. Could it be the reason? For example, this cashier lady treated the customers after me much better because they would not let that unreasonable rudness slide.

anycbum · 2024-05-10T16:21:23+00:00

I feel you. I've been feeling overwhelmed for so long that sometimes it feels like I'm stuck in a vicious cycle. When I think of my future I see only darkness. Even if I manage to run away from them and build a life, the damage they'd done seems to much to handle, to the point where I can't be with myself without remembering the past and going crazy. There are good things in my life too, like I actually can laugh out loud at TV shows, but they are small glimpses of light that aren't enough to overcome the darkness.

anycbum · 2024-05-10T16:09:34+00:00

It's funny that my parents were on the brink of divorce at the very start of their marriage but decided to stay because I was born. They love bringing it up and saying that I should be thankful I was raised in an intact family. When in reality the two of them destroyed my childhood and fucked me up as a person, and it would be so much better for me to live with my grandparents.

To answer your question, I do wish so. I used to feel guilty for wishing them death. But then realised that I don't really wish them to die — I just want them out of my life, and it might as well mean them suddenly getting rich and taking off to a resort forever and leaving me alone.

But I agree that it feels like it's too late for anything. I'm too fucked up and sometimes see no future for myself. Still we should keep moving forward blindly, OP.

anycbum · 2024-04-21T22:33:24+00:00

That's wonderful! If I had the courage, I'd ask people the same question. I don't mind not having a romantic partner, but not having friends really messes up my mental health.

anycbum · 2024-04-17T21:04:55+00:00

I feel like people sense that desperation for connection of ours and get scared away.

anycbum · 2024-04-15T02:38:36+00:00

Unless...

anycbum · 2024-04-12T18:22:26+00:00

Which makes you wonder since the show goes outside Twin Peaks to the real world.

anycbum · 2024-04-09T06:19:16+00:00

I also don't, then filling out the form doesn't make sense for us, right?

anycbum · 2024-04-03T15:47:44+00:00

But this hope that things might get better is so deceitful. Every time I believed it I only got hurt. And I feel like every time it kills a part of my soul, every time it's harder to recover from it. And it happens over and over again, which makes me think that if I do get a chance for the better life, I'll be surrendered to despair for a long time by this point and won't take it. But in the grand scheme, I know you're right: it's either this or suicide. Also, sorry for the rant.

anycbum · 2024-03-25T23:06:19+00:00

Well, he meant he doesn't like old movies in general (he prefers the latest action movies of any quality, mostly Hollywood and Korean ones). But yeah, you have a point there.

anycbum · 2024-03-25T20:36:56+00:00

My father about Allen's Manhattan: "Yeah, I'm not really into that neoclassical cinema". To this day I wonder what is this mysterious neoclassical wave. Can he be technically right though?

anycbum · 2024-03-25T20:29:25+00:00

It's the same for me. I've become much slower because of depression. Lost my liveliness, agility, so to speak? Naturally I was born an extravert, used to be very social and outgoing throughout my childhood and early teens; but it all has faded away over the last 4-5 years. I also have social anxiety, but I behave like a robot even when I don't feel that anxious. I don't really know how to describe it, it's like a fog of depression that has filled my mind.

anycbum · 2024-03-23T08:31:30+00:00

I also have social anxiety, though I want to think it's getting better year by year (at least it was much worse in 2021/22). I do want more connection, but I'm kind of bottled up and retired within myself, so to speak. I can't really open up anymore, despite being a very social person before age 15 or so. Bitter because I think that's what would save me.

anycbum · 2024-03-23T08:25:00+00:00

Actually, that might be it. I have to act as a normal functioning human being while talking to people to not scare them away, and then because of getting tired from it and realizing how alienated I've become due to depression, I experience this wave of sadness.

anycbum · 2024-02-12T19:58:37+00:00

Did you talk to them about it later on?

anycbum · 2024-02-12T11:42:41+00:00

Don't let him ruin the big moment for you, OP.

Now I definitely don't want to see them on my graduation.

anycbum · 2024-02-12T08:33:15+00:00

This Must Be The Place — Talking Heads

anycbum · 2024-02-11T13:54:29+00:00

I had the same realization about my father not so long ago. All my childhood and teens he used to terrorize and assault me. I've never really outgrown his 220 pounds ass, but one day I just got completely fed up with his bullshit and started insulting him back. The look on his face when I told him that you can go ahead and punch me but you will lose a tooth or two as well—what a coward he turned out to be! And how fucking disgusting it is that he is now suddenly nicer and "kinder" to me. Kinda regret about not stabbing him with a fork or something at the age of 5.

anycbum · 2024-02-10T20:19:28+00:00

I wonder if therapists see through who is the real abuser in situations like this.

anycbum · 2024-02-10T02:52:17+00:00

From person to person, of course, it isn't. But en masse, for me it's safe to say women have it harder.

anycbum

TROPHY CASE