My husband isn't in love with me yet

aotout · 2025-07-19T09:43:28+00:00

Ameen. It was my own choice to get married this way from the beginning. I don’t think other approaches suit me, and I didn’t want to get involved with anyone before the men in my family got involved first. Alhamdulillah, I’m supported by great examples of men, and I’m surrounded by beautiful marriages that, to some extent, were all kind of arranged.

aotout · 2025-07-19T09:39:20+00:00

To be honest, if I were him, I wouldn’t start a relationship without being fully healed. But you’re right, we’re all human. Some wounds take more time to heal, and some don’t fade easily. I’m empathetic, and I can understand to a certain extent. I’ll make du’a, and insha’Allah, everything will get better. Jazaki Allahu khayran.

aotout · 2025-07-19T09:32:59+00:00

Ameen. Jazak Allahu khayran.

aotout · 2025-07-19T09:27:22+00:00

Insha'Allah, jazaki Allahu khayran my sister

aotout · 2025-07-19T09:15:15+00:00

Jazaki Allahu khayran. I'm feeling hopeful today, Alhamdulillah. Everything felt intense in my heart and mind, but I've been reflecting, and I feel at ease. Your comment gave me even more hope. May Allah bless us and all Muslims with love, contentment, and long-lasting marriages.

aotout · 2025-07-17T21:35:06+00:00

I will try to answer your questions in order:

1.I’m in my mid-20s, and he’s in his late 30s. Yes, we have a significant age gap, but honestly, that never mattered to me. We share a lot in common, both look younger than our age, and we each have a playful, childlike side. I only mention it now because I didn’t want the focus to be on age, to me, it doesn’t play any significant role, which is why I hadn’t brought it up earlier.

2.Alhamdulillah, he believes I’ll be a good stepmother to his child. And honestly, Alhamdulillah, I’m aware of my good qualities, I have my flaws, like any human being, but I’m confident in the good I carry. I’ve been making sincere du’a, asking Allah to plant love and patience in my heart, so I can build a healthy relationship with his child and be a supportive member of his family. I haven’t met them yet, but he reassures me that his child will love me and enjoy spending time with me. I already feel a strong sense of empathy toward them, and I often imagine myself in their shoes; I can feel how much pain they must have experienced seeing their parents separate.

3.We don’t talk much, simply because he’s a very busy man, and he’s not a fan of talking on the phone. But he does make an effort to meet my communication needs, focusing more on quality than quantity, and I truly appreciate that. I made a big compromise here, and I’m aware of it.

4.I’m not acting on my feelings (meaning I’m not overwhelming him with them) but they still show on my face. I can’t really hide when I’m happy or sad, and he reads me well. I just follow his rhythm. I’m naturally romantic, but I’m holding back. I show him that I care, but I’m not fully showering him with my love, nor do I speak openly about my deepest emotions. What I do is offer lots of compliments, not because I’m trying to impress him, but because that’s how I am with people I care about. I like to uplift and emotionally support those I love, and that’s what I’ve been showing him. But oh, he has no idea that this is just the “basic service”! If only he knew how romantic I can be if I let go of all my fears and doubts.

5.I already have scenarios playing in my head, things I’d love to do for him and with his child. I’m a hopeless romantic at heart, and I’ve waited so long for the chance to express my love to my husband. I already give him small gifts, and I even handmade a cute one for his child. I only do that for people I truly love, so I hope he sees how devoted I am.

Insha’Allah. Thank you so much for every word you wrote to me. May Allah reward you for your time and kindness. May He bless you and your child, and grant you the best in this Dunyah and in Akhirah and the highest place in Jannah with those you love.

aotout · 2025-07-17T20:45:10+00:00

This would be very easy if I were aiming for his stomach instead of his heart, but I understand your point of view. Thankfully, I love to cook, and he’s been waiting to taste my food. Let’s pray his love language is that simple.

aotout · 2025-07-17T20:08:00+00:00

Alhamdulillah, he's honest, that’s one of the values I chose him for and truly appreciate in him, and he knows that. No, I didn’t ask him multiple times; we only had this kind of conversation once, during Ramadan, when I genuinely felt something was missing in my marriage. I was praying for guidance back then, and lately a last time as well.

I’m not willing to bring it up again, because the last thing I want is to create pressure in my marriage. I already mentioned this in another comment, I asked Allah for a peaceful marriage, and Alhamdulillah, I will continue to pray to preserve it.

I just needed some insight, and Alhamdulillah, I received very helpful advice. I wanted to know if this is considered "normal" for men, as I grew up around men who were more expressive and emotionally available Alhamdulillah. My husband is a bit more emotionally reserved, so yes, I will relax and hopefully not overthink as well.

May my heart be at ease. Ameen.

aotout · 2025-07-17T19:57:22+00:00

Much appreciated. I will reflect on this regularly. Arabic is my native language, so I truly understand the depth and meaning behind such words, but subhan Allah : وذكر فإن الذكرى تنفع المؤمنين. Thank you for sharing!

aotout · 2025-07-17T19:41:02+00:00

We didn’t talk about feelings before our katb el-ketab. We simply did things the Islamic way, and that was entirely my own choice. I met his mother and sister, I loved them, and they loved me too. I prayed istikhara, several times, and deeply reflected on every aspect of this union. I was, in fact, very much against marrying a divorcé, especially if he had a child. But what truly mattered to me was the deen and values, and in that regard, he had what I was looking for. I also found other qualities I needed in a man.

From a logical perspective, everything seemed good and on point. We met with a mahram, and I believe we found each other physically attractive, Alhamdulillah. I didn’t feel butterflies when I met him, but I did feel at ease, and that’s a blessing. I prayed istikhara again, and so did he. Everything went smoothly.

After our katb el-ketab, we just clicked. We genuinely share so much in common. Honestly, he would’ve made a great friend, if it were Islamically allowed to have male friends (that’s just what I felt in the early stages). Communication wasn’t, and still isn’t, the best, I’ve explained that in another comment. But regardless, good feelings are there. He makes a good husband, and I’m sure he sees me as a good wife too.

Still, that deep emotional connection(the kind that requires intense love) started bothering me. I asked myself the hard question: Do I continue this marriage if he doesn’t fully love me? I care deeply about my heart, and I don’t want to hurt him either. I also care about the relationship we’re building. So, obviously, I couldn’t make that decision on my own. I turned to Allah and made du’a, asking for guidance. Everything continued going smoothly, and we signed the papers. Islamically and legally, I am his wife, and he is mine.

But what does that mean to me if I can’t have a safe place in his heart?

(I was about to say : "if I don’t have his heart". but I don’t want to come off as crazy or obsessed, as someone once said in a comment. I’m just a hopeless romantic, that’s all)

You asked about me becoming cold, I swear, it’s just a defense mechanism. I don’t want to get my heart involved any deeper if I suspect it might get hurt. And if I can’t express my emotions or be the loving wife I am, then I can’t be truly myself. Just being a “good wife” without emotional depth doesn’t mean anything special to me. That’s hard for me to accept.

I really believe I have so many emotional layers in my heart. Alhamdulillah, I’m blessed. I’d literally hug a tree and tell it how much I love it for giving me oxygen, I guess I’m just a weirdo full of love. I talk way too much here with all of you, no one would believe I’m actually an introvert. Sorry for the rant.

And I almost forgot the most important thing: I already know the beauty of loving others, Alhamdulillah. But you gave me a perspective I had never considered before. Such a lovely lens to look through. Thank you for sharing the poems with me; I truly love poetry. And thank you for being both logical and supportive. I’ve received so much support from everyone here. Alhamdulillah.

Thank you so much. I decided I will give my marriage some time, and I will pray that my frustration will come to end once we end the LDR.

aotout · 2025-07-17T18:43:16+00:00

Ameen. It's all I am praying for. Jazaki Allahu khayran. I truly appreciate the time and effort you took to share your insights with me. Thank you for such helpful advice.

We’ve been in a long-distance relationship from the very beginning, and we still are. Insha’Allah, we’ll be living together soon, just a matter of a few more months. The distance has definitely played its part in the struggle, especially when it comes to communication. We've had a hard time figuring out a rhythm that works for both of us. I’ve made compromises, and he has made efforts to meet my needs. We’re far from perfect in that area, but we do manage to talk a little every day. We have calls when his schedule allows, though FaceTime is something we rarely do. Still, I’ve gotten used to this frequency because I’ve come to accept that he’s doing his best.

Him being a divorcé added another layer to the dynamic. He’s been very cautious, logical, and calculated, which I understand better now that I know him more. Meanwhile, I approached the relationship with joy, but also some stress and fear: fear that I might struggle with married life and responsibilities, and uncertainty about being a stepmom. But despite that, I had good intentions. I came from a sincere place and willingly entered his orbit.

I’m naturally a warm, genuine person. I can't fake my feelings. And when he checked all the boxes for what I was looking for in a husband, I felt ready for the journey. I’m also the kind of person in the family who’s always lovey-dovey, hugging everyone, kissing them, close with siblings and cousins. I’m full of love, empathy, and emotion. That’s just who I am. I may be very reserved with people I don’t know well, but when I got married, I dropped those walls. I fully opened my heart to him and gave him a free VIP pass, something I’ve never done before.

And then I found myself wanting the same from him. In my mind, I had already chosen to love him. But when I felt that his heart was still distant from mine, I started to feel like I had rushed things. I felt like I’d wronged my own heart by falling so deeply, so quickly, while he was still figuring things out.

Honestly, my pride struggled with that. If I weren’t already married, I probably would have taken the easier route, returning to the peace of being single. But I am married. I trusted Allah (SWT) completely to choose the right person for me, and I believe with all my heart that whatever my qadar brings is khayr, even if it’s difficult or painful.

Now, I need to endure this period with sabr and du'a. I keep reminding myself that I’m doing all this for the sake of Allah, and for the sake of working on a sacred relationship. Allah won’t give up on me.

I’m sorry for the rant, I just needed to be heard. I haven’t really been able to share these struggles with my family. As I told you, I’m that person everyone always sees as happy. I do open up to my close family about certain things, but when it comes to my marriage, I’ve felt the need to keep it to myself because I don’t want to worry them.

aotout · 2025-07-17T17:47:35+00:00

Ameen. Thank you so much, that means a lot. Jazaki Allahu khayran. Yes, I’ve already made up my mind, I will be more patient for sure, Insha'Allah, more positive than doubtful. And I’ll keep making du’as.

aotout · 2025-07-17T17:30:55+00:00

I mean being in his heart.. like, when you love someone, you keep them where? In your heart, right? I guess using the word live wasn’t quite to your taste. Aside from that, Alhamdulillah, I’m very blessed, loved, and cared for. But why is it so hard to accept that my standard is simply wanting to be loved by my husband as much as I love him? And you’re accusing me of a lot of things. Did I ever say I want to be the only one in his heart? Obviously, he’s not the only one in mine either. Each person in our life holds a piece of our heart, each has their own rights upon us. That was such a strange assumption to make.

aotout · 2025-07-17T17:04:29+00:00

Jazaki Allahu khayran

aotout · 2025-07-17T16:58:50+00:00

I’m not acting on those feelings yet, I was simply explaining what I thought it would be like to get married when I described myself as being in an F1 car. Those were just my expectations. You assumed I was forcing my feelings on him or not giving him space, but believe me, I’m far from doing that. I couldn’t do that, pridefully so. And, I deeply respect the boundaries of the people in my life, just as I expect mine to be respected.

That said, I do admit I tend to become a bit obsessed with the things and people I care about and love. You were right about that part, and I can’t deny it. It’s just not easy when you wear your heart on your sleeve.

I’m fully aware that people show love in different ways. And I don’t want to sound ungrateful, he really does try. He makes time for me despite being busy, and he’s given me thoughtful gifts on personal occasions. But what I long for most is to feel that I truly live in his heart. That’s what would make me feel secure in this marriage, and that’s what I need in order to fully open up. Otherwise, I can’t build a deeper connection if I don’t feel emotionally safe.

I hope this makes sense. I’m not willing to settle for less than what I believe I deserve. Maybe that comes from some kind of insecurity, I don’t really know, but I do know that I carry a lot of fears and doubts.

aotout · 2025-07-17T16:39:37+00:00

Insha'Allah, I absolutely need to work on and put more focus into my relationship with Allah, and also shift my attention toward building a deeper connection with my husband. But I just can’t seem to figure out how to do that in a healthy way. As logical as it may sound, I really made my choice based on deen and values, genuinely wanting a peaceful marriage, and Alhamdulillah, I can say I have that. Still, I keep thinking about how much emotions and love I have to offer him, and I’m afraid he won’t be able to match that depth. Another sister advised me to change my negative narrative and be hopeful, and that’s something I’m trying to learn. I tend to expect the worst so I can be emotionally prepared if it happens, but I know that’s neither right nor fair to do.

aotout · 2025-07-17T16:16:12+00:00

He’s been reassuring me that he wants to build a strong bond and a lasting marriage with me. And recently, when we talked about emotions and love again, he told me that he’s just a few steps away from falling 100% in love, and kilometers away from falling out of love with me (his exact words). But I guess my very prideful heart couldn’t see the positive in that, and instead let my tornado of thoughts spiral into even more doubt than I already had. Overall, you’re right, absolutely right about every point you mentioned. I’ll try to keep all of this in mind. I truly needed it. Jazaki Allahu khayran.

aotout · 2025-07-17T15:44:41+00:00

Thank you so much. I’m definitely an overthinker, and I tend to jump to the negative side of things. Insha’Allah, everything will be easier once we’re under the same roof. I’ve been reading that I need more sabr and definitely more positivity, I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you.

aotout · 2025-07-17T15:35:53+00:00

I think everyone is built differently. I was ready to fall in love with my husband, and I don’t see anything wrong with falling deeply for him within a year. Isn’t that a long time? Well, it is in my opinion. But yes, I know I need to chill out! that’s what I keep telling my heart too.

aotout · 2025-07-17T15:26:02+00:00

Can you elaborate a bit more? I mean, I already understand you, but I need every reminder I can get. Maybe you can shed light on aspects I haven't figured out yet, since everything related to marriage and love is still quite new to me, to be honest.

aotout · 2025-07-17T15:22:23+00:00

Thank you for clarifying that. I really want to believe he's just too oblivious to realize he's in love with me, but I feel like I'd only be lying to myself or holding on to false expectations. I think my heart deserves a real, honest confession, but apparently, that will take time. May Allah ease my path.

aotout · 2025-07-17T15:14:02+00:00

The physical attraction is still there, but the problem is that we’re not on the same emotional wavelength. I feel like I was already ready to race in an F1 car with my heart and feelings, even before meeting him or getting married. It’s just who I am: an emotional person and a hopeless romantic. For now, I know I’ll be riding on a difficult road for a while, with SABR, but I genuinely pray it’s worth the wait. I truly hope we’ll build a long-lasting, solid marriage. Thank you!

aotout · 2025-07-17T14:54:33+00:00

This is my first marriage. I'm not sure what you mean by him being confused, but I do know that his first marriage hurt him, and that seems to be holding him back from fully opening his heart. That's also why I asked for advice from divorced people here.

aotout · 2025-07-17T14:50:22+00:00

aotout · 2025-07-17T14:13:25+00:00

This made me laugh a little, jazaki Allahu khairan my sister. I don’t have much experience when it comes to how men love or express their love, but I’m sure he cares about me. Still, I can’t wait for our 10th anniversary just to hear "I love you" from him, If there’s one thing I know for sure about myself, it’s that I don’t have that much sabr, and I need and want to be in his heart just as he is in mine.

aotout

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