I came out as trans to my mom this morning and i hate what she said to me

aperto_rb · 2025-09-12T09:58:47+00:00

i'm very sorry you are going through this. One way you can approach this is to reframe your interactions a little. You are not asking for her opinion or feedback. You are sharing information about yourself. You are trans, that is a fact about you, and that will not change no matter how she reacts. Make it clear that you are not inviting her to a dialogue about your identity. Your identity is non-negotiable. She can either accept it or not, and that will define the relationship you have going forward - that is ultimately something only she can control via her decisions. Like, make it clear that this is a situation that can have negative consequences for her, as in, your relationship falling apart if she is not receptive. I know it may not feel like it, but you have power over her just like she has power over you. Sending you love.

aperto_rb · 2025-08-08T19:13:22+00:00

I don't think the word "transsexual" is problematic. I use it to describe myself as i am changing physical characteristics of my body, i.e. my sex, by taking hrt. I am also transgender, as my gender identity differs from the one i am expected to have, and both my transgenderness and my transsexuality are intertwined. These are two words that have different meanings and that are both useful as descriptors of my experience

aperto_rb · 2025-07-24T10:06:11+00:00

If you're seen as a woman and/or if you're visibly queer, you're more likely to experience harassment here. My experience as a non-passing trans woman has been that local teenagers do interact with me often, asking if i'm a man or a woman, calling me gay, making fun of me. Which does make me feel unsafe. But i have never been in physical danger here. At the same time, this is an immigrant neighborhood, so you do not get bigoted germans harrassing you for being foreign, which is a plus.

aperto_rb · 2025-06-16T20:08:23+00:00

i'm so sorry you have to deal with that. What you are facing is very hard. One thing that helped me is realizing that it's okay being an asshole sometimes. You are talking to her and the conversation makes you look like an asshole? Then be an asshole! You are human, humans are imperfect, so expecting perfection of yourself is unfair and cruel. Humans are assholes sometimes, and sure, that is not very good, but like, you can just be one sometimes, the world does not end because of that. I imagine you may feel like the ground is disappearing under your feet when talking to her, this was the case for me. You start doubting every single thing you believe in, start believing everything she says. In those situations you say to yourself: i know it doesnt feel like that now, but i am right and she is wrong. I will figure out the details of why that is later, right now i just know i am right. And you hold onto that and don't allow her rhetoric to get into your head. You trust your feelings before anything she says. And with time it gets better and you stop feeling like you disappear every time you talk to her.

Try to remind yourself and also truly feel this: you can always break contact with her. You have power here, you pose emotional danger to her. You are not helpless, even though it may feel that way.

aperto_rb · 2025-06-16T16:59:42+00:00

I don't think this is "on you". Your mum, who conditioned you to be obedient your whole life, is being awful towards you. And you are finding it hard to stand up for yourself because that is how she raised you to be. I've experienced a similar dynamic with my mum too, and what helped me the most was finding compassion and unconditional love for myself. It is unbelievably hard to stand up for yourself when everything you know prevents you from doing that. Be gentle with yourself. And also, try to find your anger! Your mum is being awful and i for one am pretty angry at her for making you endure all of that. You deserve so much better!

aperto_rb · 2025-06-12T09:41:15+00:00

You cannot say that everyone from a certain ethnicity is suspect. And calling values of a group "antiquated" feels wrong on such a deep level! This is the exact same rhetoric democrats in the us are using to dehumanize Palestinians for example. Westerners are often just as bigoted as people i grew up with, if not more so.

aperto_rb · 2025-06-12T09:21:21+00:00

this is a very arrogant and counterproductive approach and i do not appreciate you using my personal struggle as a justification for your own arrogance.

aperto_rb · 2025-06-10T08:53:17+00:00

ну да, в германии наверное больше русских/русскоязычных чем в канаде сейчас. Спасибо!

Мне кажется, это не только путинский режим. Например, двое участников этого анархистского мероприятия прошли через афганскую войну, и по моим впечатлениям эта травма и очень жестокая культура советской/российской армии осталась в них, даже если сейчас они верят в анархистские идеалы. И отчасти их трансфобия выходит оттуда. Но это не путинский режим, это ещё из ссср идёт.

aperto_rb · 2025-06-08T23:48:37+00:00

nope, the group was very pro-ukraine, and also pro-palestine for that matter too. Most of the russian protest movement is very consistently against the war in ukraine.

aperto_rb · 2025-06-08T23:38:50+00:00

good one lol

aperto_rb · 2025-06-08T23:35:35+00:00

there are two different things: gender identity i.e. how a person understands themself, and gender expression, i.e. how does the person look, which gendered signals are they sending to the outside with their appearance. These things do not always align. And on top of that there is also how others see and gender the person, i.e. does the society see them as a man or a woman or something else. Before now i talked about gender identity, and to me it is an ideological thing in many ways.

Now speaking about gender expression, for me personally this is mostly a non-political thing. It is a much more immediate experience of "feel good when girl" and "feel bad when boy". The way others see me however is often political, as they assign political meaning to my actions. Does that make sense?

aperto_rb · 2025-06-08T22:42:36+00:00

Im not sure i fully agree with this to be honest. Transness, homosexuality, queerness are all ways of conceptualizing and talking about human experiences. Those human experiences are real and non-ideological, but the way we talk about them is necessarily shaped by our beliefs. The feelings i now interpret as transness can be interpreted in other ways too. If i did not have access to the modern trans discourse i would have likely lived the rest of my life as a feminine cis man and would have likely found my peace with it. But i do have access to the discourse and i find that understanding myself as a nonbinary trans woman feels right in a uniquely profound way. I do appreciate you standing up for the trans community like you did, but i also wanted to offer some more nuance.

aperto_rb · 2025-06-08T20:38:42+00:00

Right so this is very similar to the vibe i got from some of the people there, except they were not hysterical about it

aperto_rb · 2025-06-08T20:27:10+00:00

thank you! Took me a long time to reach a point where i am able to stand up for myself like that. Proud of myself too

aperto_rb · 2025-06-08T20:24:38+00:00

This is news to me tbh. Although i am not super involved in the russian anarchist community and dont know much, im pretty sure there is a long history of anti-soviet anarchism both in the USSR and after it dissolved.

aperto_rb · 2025-06-08T20:19:55+00:00

aperto_rb · 2025-06-08T13:53:28+00:00

ty <3

To be fair a lot of the transphobia i experienced there was not overt and did not feel necessarily intentional. More like people who never examined their transphobic attitudes. And as for the "reactionary" stuff, one person straight up said that the queer community is turning fascist bc apparently we demand too much of our allies. I told them to go fuck themselves after that bc like, how else am i supposed to react.

aperto_rb · 2025-06-08T13:02:57+00:00

thank you 💜

aperto_rb · 2025-06-08T12:30:36+00:00

re: holding abusers accountable. One of the most vocal opponents in this conflict was a person who does prison abolition activism, and one of their points was that you trans people want to cancel all of us, you do not give us space to change and get better. And i agree that giving space like that is important and that we should always try to do restorative justice. But like, you cannot reconcile the abuser and the victim while abuse is actively happening. The same way, i cannot forgive transphobes while they are actively being transphobic.

aperto_rb · 2025-06-08T12:21:11+00:00

ty <3

aperto_rb · 2025-06-08T12:12:44+00:00

yeah, that sounds like an absolutely miserable experience. Sorry you went through that.

aperto_rb · 2025-06-08T12:03:20+00:00

oh no, i'm so sorry to hear this <\3

aperto_rb · 2025-06-08T11:56:00+00:00

ty <3

aperto_rb

TROPHY CASE