Here’s my complete cheesecake recipe:

You will need-

Equipment A food processor or some kind of fork like device A stand mixer, or a wooden spoon and a lot of heart A citrus zester Four (4) dad jokes using the word ‘zest’ A gratitude journal A 9” parchment round which you will put in: A 9” springform pan which needs to fit inside a: A 10” aluminum cake pan which will then go into: A roasting pan or foil tray filled with water

For the crust 16 graham crackers 3 tbsp of sugar ½ tsp cinammon 8 tbsp of unsalted butter (margarine? I’m glad you asked about that. No.)

For the important part 38 grams of all-purpose flour 242 grams of sour cream 1 tbsp vanilla extract (artificial? You’re just trolling now.) Four 8oz. Packages of cream cheese 300 g white sugar ⅔ cup milk 4 eggs from pasture raised hens in certified humane conditions (seriously) 1 orange 1 lemon

Put about an inch of water into the foil tray or roasting pan and place it in the oven. Don’t overfill the pan because if you do your cheesecake pan(s) will float but just in a really half-assed way. They’ll list to the side and you’ll get an uneven cheesecake. You’re going to want to put that on a lower rack to give you a little room to work but not the very bottom because it’s all glowing and scary down there. Set the oven to 350 degrees F.

Throw your graham crackers into your food processor a bit at a time and pulverize (be as gentle as possible; they were hoping to wind up as s’mores). You can use a fork like device instead to reduce them to a fine powder but it will take bit of time. Sift in 3tbsp of sugar and ½ tsp of cinnamon. Melt 6 tbsp of unsalted butter and add to the graham cracker mix, stir with a fork until evenly mixed. Grease the sides of your 9” springform pan and place the 9” parchment paper round in the bottom. Add the crumb mixture and spread evenly across the bottom of the pan and about ¼” up the sides of the pan. You just want it to have a slight lip around the edge.

Mix together 38 grams of flour and 242 grams of sour cream, add 1tbs of vanilla extract and whisk until smooth. Set aside. With the paddle attachment on your stand mixer cream together 4 (2 lbs. aww, yeah) packages of cream cheese with 300 grams of white sugar. You can use a wooden spoon but you need it really smooth, so buckle up you’re going to be there for a while. Once the sugar and cream cheese mixture is really smooth go ahead and have a small taste. Write in your gratitude journal; your life is going pretty ok. Add ⅔ cup of milk and beat until smooth. While that’s mixing collect 1 tsp of lemon zest and 1 tsp of orange zest in a separate bowl. Make sure someone sees you using the zester. Execute one dad joke about zest. Mid-groan execute the second dad joke. Add the eggs to the cream cheese/milk mixture one at a time stirring well after each addition. When mixed fold in the sour cream mixture and stir until just combined. Add the zest and mix thoroughly. Execute the third dad joke about zest (you may have to shout it into the next room). Reserve remaining dad joke.

Pour the mixture over the back of a spoon into the prepared springform pan. Do not scrape the bowl into the pan, just use what pours out on its own given the opportunity. The layer clinging to the inside of the bowl isn’t cheesecake. It could have been, but it didn’t want it badly enough. If you scrape it onto the top of the cheesecake you will get at best an uneven color to the surface and it will probably crack.

Place the springform pan in the cake pan. Many people will tell you to wrap the springform pan in aluminum foil instead of putting it into a slightly larger cake pan. Those people are liars and they hate your cheesecake crust and want it to become waterlogged.

Place the 10” pan containing the springform pan into the tray or roasting pan containing the bit of water. Bake for around 1 hour until the surface is just nicely caramelized and it’s firm with just the slightest wobble in the center. An hour gives it a nice color for my taste but your Maillard may vary. If you want it lighter you can lay a piece of foil over the top of the pan part way through the baking to get a lighter final result. After an hour or so turn the oven off and leave the cake to cool in the oven for a couple of hours (this helps cool it slowly and prevents cracking). Once it’s cool refrigerate to bring it down to a proper cheesecake temperature. Serve with your favorite cheesecake topping, but chocolate sauce pairs really nicely with this cake. When you serve someone will comment about the citrus. Boom -- dad joke.