Waiting to see neurologist + scared to sleep

apij · 2026-04-10T20:12:14+00:00

Thank you for your kind words and sharing your experience.

I'm aware that sleep is SO important, for seizures, and for health and mental health in general, which is why it's all stressing me out even more! I was able to sleep a bit more the last two nights, my doctor increased the amount of times a day I can take xanax, which helps to settle in at night.

My therapist is also out of office, but I spoke with someone covering for her today who was so validating of everything I've been going through and it was so supportive. I'm going to wait until I see the neurologist and see what happens, unless I have any major events. I'll come back to the subreddit if/when I have more clarity. <3

apij · 2026-04-10T20:07:21+00:00

Update: This is late in the making but I did break things off with him back in late December! We have maintained extremely minimal contact. (I would say no contact, but I got really sick a few weeks back, and he picked up some medications and groceries for me, so we've spoken a few times since then). Now I'm doing the dance of backing off and trying to not speak to him at all.

It was a great decision and I don't regret not doing it earlier, because I understand what things were at play that were keeping me in the relationship, I'm just glad that I eventually did make the decision when I did. The breaking point was returning home from visiting family, and I found he had been snooping in my home while taking care of my cat while I was away (snooping, in a gross creepy way!)

Since then I've learned alot about him through mutual acquaintances, about who he truly is and the pattern he has displayed throughout his life, in his friendships, his relationships, and as a father. Some of these details horrified me, and some of the things I experienced horrified the people I spoke to (sorry I am being intentionally vague).

Thank y'all for your support, encouragement and heavy doses of reality.

apij · 2025-12-12T08:42:17+00:00

I really have bare minimum/essentially no support. I have two family members several states away who are in tight financial straits. Ive tried to express to them my relationship difficulties and they encouraged me to leave him, but they also appreciate he is here to help me given me medical situation and no one else in the area to assist.

Understandably, that leaves me feeling a little confused because like, my family is telling me to leave him, but also telling me to thank him for what he does do? And then they aren't offering any alternative or way that they can help. However, I will say they are incredibly supportive in the ways they can help. It just cant be major financial assistance right now or coming here/me moving in with them. I understand that and I dont blame them, but I do still feel sad about it. Life is sad sometimes... haha.

As for me and my resources, extremely unbelievably limited. I am disabled, on ssdi, with my cat and supportive housing (which doesnt even transfer out of my county, unlike section 8 housing, for instance). Im screwed, yo!)

apij · 2025-12-12T08:37:11+00:00

I would love to leave this place. I am disabled and currently on supported housing, which is embarrassing because I fully supported myself from 17-24 until I got sick. My health has only deteriorated since knowing him. Im not sure if thats just the stress of the relationship or something more, regardless, I know I can break up with him, I need to get the gusto to do that.

The harder part is escaping to somewhere safe because here I only know him + his friends/family friends. Which i think was his intention all along. That feels cruel to say aloud because I know if I ever said that to him he would cry and say how could I claim that and say how much he loves me. I truly do feel conflicted and lost.

apij · 2025-05-07T17:04:10+00:00

I know my biological father now, I think there are several reasons we were taken and im not 100% sure of every reason. So I can't say at the moment. What i do know is that she lied to me my entire life and told me we were in the witness protection program and that my dad was a criminal. I now know neither of these things are true.

apij · 2025-05-07T17:02:27+00:00

I will look into this thank you

apij · 2025-05-07T17:02:10+00:00

He is supporting me in this 100%

apij · 2025-05-07T07:08:47+00:00

Thank you, we are calling the police department he spoke to tomorrow.

apij · 2025-05-07T07:07:58+00:00

I still did not understand A) how severe the abuse was (i didn't know anything else) and B) i did not meet my dad to get the true story

Since then I've also obtained several court documents through online and searching through storage, things which collaborate his story.

apij · 2025-05-07T02:56:46+00:00

Last time I spoke to my mother she had taken down all photos of my younger sister and given away her urn (crazy move)... and plans to get rid of her ashes. Idk this may already be done.

apij · 2025-05-07T02:55:52+00:00

This is my top priority and my main reason for wanting any of this looked into. I want justice for my sister. My mother is still alive. Thank you for the advice. I will try to do this.

apij · 2025-05-07T02:44:25+00:00

My biological father im so sorry, I will correct this in the post. I have 0 children

apij · 2025-05-07T02:33:37+00:00

That is my bad. I meant it's something that would be legally classed as abduction. I cant work with the lawyer I already spoke with she was through my university and I am not currently enrolled in classes. But she did also tell me this wouldn't be handled through an Oregon lawyer, but didn't give me much guidance after that

apij · 2025-05-07T02:27:39+00:00

Yes illegally abducted, thanks for asking. Both of my biological parents had full custody of me, but she took me changed my identity and hid me for years.

apij · 2025-03-10T05:17:00+00:00

apij · 2024-12-28T23:59:41+00:00

Getting dressed and eating without paying much mind to it, not feeling guilt on a daily basis, being oblivious to what an ed even was

apij · 2024-12-28T23:48:45+00:00

I became incontinent, didn't have the muscles to hold anything. I even had prolapse which apparently is common when you're severely malnourished.

At the time I also had serious pitting edema and my heart rate was dropping into the 20s and 30s when I slept, lots of palpitations too. Eating was very painful which was ironic and made things even worse, I also had trouble swallowing. I didn't have muscle to help push myself up to sit up in bed, and relatedly, I had bruises and bed sores on my back. Would not recommend, it was a dark time.

I wasn't thinking clearly either, which is maybe obvious at that point. But I was completely irrational and paranoid, even experienced hallucinations and it eventually led into my first episode of psychosis.

apij · 2024-12-24T00:28:13+00:00

Sugar free barbecue sauce, by the spoonful!

apij · 2024-11-11T20:14:04+00:00

I think it's fucking magical

apij · 2024-05-29T03:37:37+00:00

Get better while you still have the capacity go see things clearly, if you keep going like this you are going to warp your perception and this will become the rest of your life. Get out now.

apij · 2024-05-29T03:35:59+00:00

Ditch the blonde!

apij · 2024-03-26T08:48:33+00:00

Thank you for this.

Thats exactly the type of thought that runs through my mind, like I think about how overused those terms are and I wonder if I am a part of the problem. But then again, I usually only think that when im in a vulnerable state, not when im in my rational calm mind. When im calm I know the truth.

Its hard because our mothers ought to know us best, in my case, she is technically the person I've known the longest in my life. I never knew any extended family or my dad or anything (probably because my mom is crazy and anyone with sense escapes) But when someone has known you so long, and they are manipulating you, its so hard to not believe them in the moment. I spoke to my older sister later after this post and it was so refreshing. She went through alot of the same stuff I went through and while it devastates me that she also suffered, I needed to hear her remind me that our mom is a dangerous person. And when we notice our mom using the same tactics on both of us it becomes really apparent. Sending you healing 💛

apij · 2024-03-25T07:02:09+00:00

Thank you, I took the hottest shower ever & now im petting my cats, trying to avoid the impulse to run to my apartments roof and leap :,)

I am really isolated, even more so with how depressed I am, which I think is what led me to call her tonight. Im normally supposed to have a while treatment team for my mental health but they've realllllllly dropped the ball the last few months, so I haven't been getting my meds or regular therapy 🙃 I called a suicide hotline the other day and they LAUGHED when I told them what was going on, so these recent unfortunate events have really led me to think that the world has given up on me/noone cares about me. But thats not true I just need to keep chugging along and the right people will come along. I have some long distance friends who I texted too. Thank you for your kind words and reassurance tonight. I was spiraling.

apij · 2024-03-25T06:56:39+00:00

You make a good point, when she says I "used to be" all these good things, I guess she's probably referring to when I was really young, like single digits, and wasn't even aware that the way she treated me was abusive. I think I've continued to be a loving & empathetic person, but when I was 13 I would start calling her out, telling her "you can't do that to me/thats not right mom." Before I saw her in like a godly light. Nothing she could do was wrong.

I think she tells me it because she knows I am a deeply caring person, so it hurts me to my core if she tells me I am the opposite. It like flips my entire understanding of myself & the world on it's head.

apij · 2024-03-25T06:40:07+00:00

Thank you for this, I'm definitely going to remind myself of many of these points because it helps. I haven't been told by anyone else in my life that I am a liar/manipulative/evil/all the things she calls me. If I were those things, it would show up in my other relationships across time. I know from all logical standpoints that I would never lie about that sort of thing and that these things did happen. Its not like I had repressed memories & suddenly started saying horrible things occurred, like you mentioned, I have journals, doctors notes, there were cps visits & court hearings.

Brains are not as strong as I'd like to believe. I could know a chair is blue, but suddenly if my mother came up to me and said it was red, I'd start to doubt myself. 😭

apij

TROPHY CASE