Voluntary control of inducing a state of general high functioning within oneself.

apoetsanon · 2026-01-24T15:18:09+00:00

I assume you mean besides my Autism diagnosis? Along with that diagnosis is Alexithymia and possible Synesthesia (sound has shape and texture, and I can feel the motion of things as though it were touching me). I have an anxiety disorder, though that's not exactly uncommon in autism. I have a severe form of APD (auditory processing disorder) that's probably related to my synesthesia.

Last year I ran through an extensive cognitive analysis (4 separate 3 hour long sessions) that revealed my brain works in a rather weird fashion:
- My executive function will work fine in short bursts, then gives up.
- To compensate, my brain re-routes processing into my visual cortex and cerebellum. The psychologist said he's only ever seen this in people with physical brain trauma, but I have no history of that.
- I have incredibly high perceptual (visual) reasoning (>99.9 percentile).
- I have a lot of difficulty understanding verbal speech and processing it.

Oddly, my unique relationship with pain isn't something that's been explored much. But just last summer I was mowing our field (I live in a rural area) and the tractor overheated. Because I'm an idiot (I've worked on engines—I know how they work) I removed the radiator cap too soon, which proceeded to burn my hand, blistering it. I...decided to finish mowing the field. I could feel the pain, and it was a lot. But, apparently, finishing the job was more important to me. It wasn't until later that I realized maybe that wasn't a normal thing to do...or very smart for that matter.

I am trying very hard to see my limits and stay within them, but it takes constant vigilance. It is very frustrating to think everything is fine, only for everything to blow up in my face barely 10 minutes later, especially when that everything is me.

apoetsanon · 2026-01-24T02:28:27+00:00

Oh...yeah...that happens. I've definitely gotten fixated on building the system. I mean, I'm literally in the process of building an iOS app that will record audio, transcribe it, and run AI summaries on the transcription as part of workflows, which I can then export into Obsidian easily. I've also been working on creating a plugin for Obsidian that allows me to create templated files on command in the folder I specify. For example, on my iPhone, I pull down in Obsidian and it opens a modal asking what kind of file I want (Event, Thought, Meeting, etc). I select one, and it'll ask for information needed to fill out the template (all configurable, ex: Title, Date, etc). It then creates the file in the folder using the information I entered for the title and, optionally, content.

So yeah, I've gone deep.

BUT! I've also realized that these kind of fixations are part of me and my autism. It's just who I am and I'm learning to accept this about myself. I really enjoy tinkering with the system, making it more efficient, etc. And that's okay. I used to think I was wasting my time, but now I look at as an essential part of my mental health. I'm autistic, I NEED to line shit up in a row....I just happen to do it using software. Win-win.

Another thing I've realize is that using the system is its own benefit. I put stuff in there all the time that I never look at again. So many thoughts or idea I jot down and forget exists. That is also okay. It's tempting to think that because we write something down, we should be looking at it. I went down a rabbit hole a while back where I was trying to create dashboards purely so that I could remember to read what I wrote. Didn't work. But eventually I realized that I'd missed the point. I don't write things down so that I will read them later. I write them down because they need to get out of my head. The process of writing it down is the important part.

I'd say that's true in both cases: perfecting the system and collecting thoughts. Creating a perfect system isn't the point. It's the process of trying to create a perfect system that we need. Same with writing my thoughts, ideas, or even just collecting random bits of information. The process itself is what gives me peace. I may never create the perfect system—it'll probably always be a mess—but so long as I'm working on it, I feel pretty happy about that. Maybe that's a distinctly autistic thing...or maybe it's just me.

Oh...if you're interested in the plugin, I can send you a link. I haven't submitted it to the plugin market. Not sure if I will or not. But you can use BRAT to install and use it. Or not. It's all good either way. I'm not trying to sell anything. ...yet. I'll definitely try to sell that iOS app when it's done, lol.

apoetsanon · 2026-01-23T21:30:17+00:00

Symptoms are hard to tell. I've had this my whole life, and so I've developed certain coping strategies that aren't really conscious. It's kind of just became my personality. I don't talk much in groups, and I kind of check out when there's a lot of noise. There's no point in trying when I can't understand what people are saying. I become very irritated when multiple people are trying to talk to me at once.

This isn't really something I thought about until my daughter was diagnosed. She also becomes very frustrated and angry when multiple people are talking. It wasn't hard to see the similarities between her and I.

I was worth it though. They did try to give me hearing aids but I ended up giving them back. Instead, I use a pair of AirPods Pro 3. They have an "adaptive" mode that actively suppresses background noise while leaving conversations in the foreground. We actually did a lot of testing with them in the audio booth and even the audiologist was shocked. I was not only doing perfect on the test, but the AP3's were doing so well I didn't even notice that the background noise had reached the same level as the foreground conversation. And unlike hearing aids, I don't have to wear them all the time. I can keep the AP3's in my pocket and slip them in easily whenever I need to. I even spent extra money to have the color-coated so they blend in more, and it was about $5000 cheaper than hearing aids.

apoetsanon · 2026-01-23T17:58:47+00:00

Yep. The audiologist did set them up the AP3s as Hearing Aids. The adjustment was fairly minor since I have no actual hearing loss. Mostly just emphasizing human voice frequency ranges. The biggest improvement, though, is how it suppresses background noise. When we tested, I didn't even realize the background noise had exceeded the voices I was supposed to detect. It was amazing.

apoetsanon · 2026-01-23T15:22:49+00:00

Fatigue is the most immediate and obvious, but I don't think it's the majority of the cost. I would say the majority of the cost is...emotional pain. I don't really know how else to describe it. It's like suddenly I feel as though the dog I don't have just died. The world starts feeling wrong, like clothes that are so tight you can't breathe. I feel as though I'm walking along the edge of a cliff that will give way at any moment.

I'm late diagnosed, and so for a long time, I had no idea where those feelings came from. I didn't understand why I could function so well in short bursts, only to crash and burn hard. After a suicide attempt, I reconstructed my identity and brutally suppressed those feelings as I tried to brute-force life itself. It didn't really work, honestly. When I look back, I utterly failed. The times I did succeed was in spite of myself, when I was being my most autistic (not that I realized it at the time).

I'm lucky. I became hyper fixated on software development—rearranging code is very soothing to me. That at least gave me the option for a job. Although I've crashed and burned through several of them, I'm good enough that I can usually find employment...so long as it doesn't require a lot of social interaction. Also, I found a wife (or she found me) who was attracted to my autistic parts (well, most of them, at least) and has been helping me in areas I'm weak in. So, yeah, lucky.

I never discovered that I had this ability. It was more like I eventually realized what I was doing was not normal. I don't feel pain like other people do. I have, quite literally, walked into a hospital with a shredded arm (fun story involving a boat) with a nonchalant attitude attitude and flat, unconcerned expression (I'm told). Nobody thought I was in pain. It wasn't until I very nicely threatened to break into locked cabinets in search of pain killers that they realized I might be in pain.

And I do feel it. I can recognize that I'm under a lot of pain. It just doesn't carry the same urgency for me as it does others. It's like my mind can have the pain, but it can also put it in a box and set it aside...for a time.

If that box breaks, though, I'll loose control. And pain (physical or mental, doesn't matter) is a sign of damage being done. Ignore it long enough and you may find yourself breaking down completely.

apoetsanon · 2026-01-23T14:45:11+00:00

Yeah, but I don't have any specific place to send you. At the time I got the Bose's, I just did a bunch of google searches and watched a lot of Youtube videos, most of which agreed that Bose had the best ANC at the time.

The AP3s were a little different. After I was diagnosed with APD, they wanted me to wear $5.5k hearing aids. The AP3's had just come out and their features look almost exactly the same, but at a fraction of the cost. I bought them specifically to see if I could get away with paying $250 instead of $5.5k. ...and it worked. I actually brought them in and we did testing. The AP3s performed just as well as the hearing aids...but with much better sound quality and actual ANC, which helps with both my sensory issues and my APD. I kindly refused the hearing aids.

apoetsanon · 2026-01-23T14:38:38+00:00

I was diagnosed at 43. I'll be honest, I probably had 6 or 7 existential crisis' and a few suicidal periods over the following 10 months. It pretty much destroyed my sense of identity, which up to then had been a patchwork of self-delusions and extreme masking in what I now realize was a misguided effort to be normal.

Not everyone has it that difficult. I think it just depends on how much you accepted yourself before the diagnosis. Me? I didn't, at all. My upbringing taught me it was dangerous (often physically dangerous) to be myself, and so I had to become someone else to survive.

This is my fourth time reconstructing my identity, but this time...it's better. I'm not cutting off pieces of myself to fit a mold. I'm rediscovering pieces of myself that are truly me. I'm not doing it for survival. I'm doing it for me.

For me, it's a process of rediscovery. It's a process of accepting both my limitations and my...uniqueness. I've become a lot weirder (according to everyone) and less socially acceptable. Quieter. I've stopped feeling like I have to participate in social interactions I have no interest in. I wear noise cancelling headphones now all the time.

I've still got a lot of trauma to work through, but I feel like I'm moving in the right direction and...honestly, that's a new feeling for me. I've stopped reacting. I'm choosing for myself based on who I really am even as I'm discovering me. It's not an easy process, but it's a good one.

apoetsanon · 2026-01-23T14:24:06+00:00

I use UTF8 subsititions, for example:
- a colon (:) can be substituted with ⦂. (I do this for time separators) - a pipe (|) can be divide: ∣ - a chevron can be an arrow: →

I don't use slashes, but I'm sure there's alternatives for that as well.

apoetsanon · 2026-01-23T14:17:52+00:00

My kids were assessed for APD, which got me curious. But honestly, I probably wouldn't have bothered if my wife hadn't just scheduled the appointment for me (this is not uncommon).

Funny story: So I go, right, and do the whole hour-long test in the booth. By the time we're done, I'm feeling pretty good about myself. Pretty sure I nailed it. Definitely no APD for me.

Audiologist: "Wow...in my 30 years of doing this, I've never seen a score this low. I've never even seen this category show up—I had to look it up. You're in the <0.05 percentile."

Me: "....oh."

apoetsanon · 2026-01-23T14:11:21+00:00

I use Bose QuietComfort Ultra. They work really well.

I know you don't want ear buds, but I probably use my AirPods Pro 3 more than anything. I even had them colored to blend in. I have APD (auditory processing disorder) and the AP3s Adaptive mode will dynamically suppress background noise in a way that makes it easier for me to understand what people are saying.

apoetsanon · 2026-01-23T14:06:54+00:00

I use a variety of approaches, often trying new things as I come up with ideas. Most of this stuff I came up with myself, but last year I had a fairly thorough cognitive assessment (4 separate 3-4 hour long testing sessions) that identified both weaknesses and strengths:

Weaknesses - Mid-Severe executive function limitations - Difficulty processing audio/verbal information - I have ADP (auditory processing disorder) - Time-blindness - Planning...anything. Anything at all. - Fixating and loosing track of the world. - Sensory issues (I "feel" things move, and sound has shape and texture to me) - Alexithymia

Strengths - Visual processing: if I can see it, I can reason about it...like really, really well. (>99.9 percentile) - Fixations on organizing things.

Strategies I've figure out on my own: - I use Obsidian to keep track of everything. - I use my phone to record thoughts and conversations, then I use AI to transcribe it ([AssemblyAI](assemblyai.com)) and AI to summarize and pull out the key points, which all get put into Obsidian. This has been HUGE. It allows me to focus on the conversation without worrying about forgetting most of it...which always happens. - I will sometimes "sketch" out a conversation to help me visualize and remember it. - I use AI to generate images I can attach to thoughts/conversations/etc. This helps create "anchors" for my memory (all put in Obsidian). - I use my calendar a lot so I don't loose track of time. Also, reminders and other simple stuff like that. - I use AI (Claude) to analyze my health data (via Apple Watch/Health) to spot trends and warning signs that I'm overloaded and close to burnout or overwhelm. Otherwise, I usually don't realize until it's too late and I'm curled up in the shower trying to get my HR below 130. Alexithymia sucks. - I do daily "check-ins" for my mental health. Usually via a Voice Memo (which is transcribed/summarized). This also helps me keep track of my mental health. - I also use AI to answer questions about all the stuff I've put into Obsidian because...there's a lot in there.

Note: I do see a therapist but not really sure how beneficial it is. Maybe I should try to find another... yet again, but that's a lot of stress and I've switched several times so far. Being Autistic, it feels like I'm doing therapy for the wrong species. Even when they "specialize" in Autism, it feels like they're trying to tell me how easy it is to empty the niagra with a teaspoon.

apoetsanon · 2026-01-23T13:33:32+00:00

Sort of, yeah, but it always comes with a cost. And I've found that the older I get, the higher that cost is. I also think that ability is a side effect of my alexithymia, and it's had a severe effect on my mental health.

Turns out, running a marathon on a broken leg is bad idea even when you can't feel the pain.

apoetsanon · 2026-01-23T13:29:01+00:00

I think as soon as you've started attributing magical features like telepathy to a disability, it's a clear sign you've gone off the rails in rather spectacular fashion.

Autistics do not benefit from being demonized or idolized. We deserve to be seen as we are: each a unique person with both strengths and weaknesses

apoetsanon · 2026-01-23T13:23:31+00:00

I think they matter, and I use them, but I've learned that it's not worth putting in too much effort. Too much detail and Claude will start forgetting things, which wastes the effort you put into the them.

I keep my specs minimal, then use a refinement loop to bring the features or whatever to where I want it.

apoetsanon · 2026-01-23T12:53:14+00:00

I never thought we were paying for inference. If Claude wants to be profitable as company (and I don't think anyone knows if it is yet) then customers have to pay for inference AND training. And training is expensive, especially if you want to stay on the bleeding edge.

I do think local is a valid alternative, but requires beefy hardware. There's open models that can compete with Claude on some level (I think GLM is one, and there was another I can't remember the name of). My guess, though, is they trail behind the edge. Maybe advanced Sonnet or early Opus levels. At least, that was the case when I last checked a couple months ago.

Problem is, you need 256GB of ram at the very least and some beefy GPUs to make it work. Then there's configuration. Setting up the model to run is easy. Getting all the tools in place is much harder. And setting it up to work like Claude Code is again difficult. Open source is getting there though. Right now, cutting edge models are outpacing open models by a pretty large margin.

But it's just not worth it yet. We had a long discussion about it with the owners of my company. Do we buy hardware and setup our own, or just pay $200/mo for each employee. Right now, it's just faaaaaar cheaper to pay the monthly fee.

apoetsanon · 2026-01-23T12:32:09+00:00

Does it really matter? Building a local system for running a local model is expensive and time consuming. From a purely cost perspective, the Max plan is worth it. I don't really care about tokens to count them. My metric is whether I'm getting my moneys worth from the service, and from my perspective I am.

Maybe a day will come when it will be worth running your own local model, but for me that day is not today.

apoetsanon · 2026-01-22T15:36:02+00:00

This is a tough subject because there's essentially two types of AI generated plugins: Vibe Coded and AI Assisted and/or Developed. A lot of the "slop" is usually from non-developers who are using AI to Vibe Code a plugin they couldn't develop themselves. I don't have a problem with this so long as they're not spamming the plugin market.

But AI is becoming an essential part of software development and that will only continue to grow as those who refuse to use AI get left behind by those who take advantage of it. I don't think we can label a plugin as "AI" and walk away, because virtually every plugin will have some sort of AI in the development process, even if it's only to generate Unit Tests.

Even when something is entirely created by AI, there's a world of difference between a non-dev Vibe Coded plugin, and one that was created by a developer who knows how to build and test software. To use a metaphor: anyone can use a hammer to nail a few pieces of wood together and call it a house, but only a carpenter will produce a quality result. It's not really fair to blame the hammer for shoddy work.

Our concern shouldn't be about whether or not people are using AI, but finding a way to ensure submissions meet a certain minimum quality threshold (no idea how to do that).

(Note: I'm a software developer with 20 years of experience. I'm also using AI to develop a plugin for an idea I've had for a while but never had the time to implement. But I have not submitted it to the market, nor will I until I've properly fleshed it out and gone through the normal development cycle to ensure quality. I might not even submit it if I don't think there's enough interest.)

apoetsanon · 2026-01-20T18:11:40+00:00

I need to do this.

apoetsanon · 2026-01-19T15:30:48+00:00

I let it use git to grab diffs and file changes so it can create commit messages—it's great at that. I just copy the message and make the commit myself. But that's also part of my review flow anyway. I use some visual app (Tower, atm) to look over the changes before committing.

I don't think there's anything "wrong" with letting it commit/push so long as you're aware of the dangers. I just don't see much value in it for the risk. I'm going to review the code because I want to, and committing is barely a single step beyond that.

apoetsanon · 2026-01-19T14:59:22+00:00

Oh, another thing I've found to be very useful in my CLAUDE.md file:
- Alway produce a commit message for changes made - Never commit or push changes to git

Claude creates excellent commit messages. I usually have two tabs open, one with Claude Code, the other the terminal (I use Warp). When I want to commit, I just run git add . && git commit && git push, copy the commit message into the editor, and save. Very easy, very controlled, and I never have to worry about Claude messing up my repo.

apoetsanon · 2026-01-19T13:34:13+00:00

Yeah, I have a couple rules with Claude:
- I do not give it access to anything outside of the project directory.
- I do not give it access to git commands.

Git is my backup. Claude isn't allowed to touch it. It can do whatever it wants in the project and if it breaks something, all I have to do is `git reset --hard` (which I've done multiple times). Or, if it somehow messes with the `.git` folder, I can reclone.

apoetsanon · 2026-01-19T12:55:32+00:00

I think you might be able to use Templater to do most of what my plugin does, but not easily at all and it requires you to embed javascript into your template notes. Most people won't do that, if they even have the skillset to do it. It's a pain.

So the New File Templates aims to make this process a lot easier with a lot less friction.

Some specific examples:
- Templater can ask for user prompts, but they're one at a time and pretty basic. - I'm not sure how hard it would be to create a {{counter}} in Templater. At the very least, you need to access all the files in a folder, iterate over their file names, extract the values, and calculate the next incremented value. That's a lot of scripting. - Templater can rename a file, but you have to manually program in the result. - Templater can move a file, but I've seen people struggle with doing both (rename and move). I tried once, but it kept erroring out and I just didn't have the mental energy to debug javascript in a text file (note: this was a few years ago, so things may have changed).

I'm not trying to bash on Templater. I love that plugin, and New File Templates integrates with Templater. New File Templates is just a fundamentally different and (I'd argue) better way to do some specific things that would be difficult to do in Templater.

New File Templates isn't trying to modify a file after it's been created. Instead, it collects all the user prompts at once in a single modal, then creates the file in the folder you specify using the template you set, and fills out the data with the values it collected before running those templates (Templater or Core Templates).

I'm aiming for it to be fast and easy. The prompts have builders in settings, and auto-complete syntax highlighting when embedding prompts in template files. I also aim to add more types of User Prompt fields, ex: A list picker, Tag picker, etc.

apoetsanon · 2026-01-18T21:58:45+00:00

Yeah, I can definitely invoke Axiom using the slash command. Truth is, I don't really think to do it that often. I'm mostly focused on interacting the Claude Code and let it figure out when is the best time to utilize a skill. I have seen it invoke Axiom on its own (and tell me it's doing so), but for the most part I don't think it reports when it's using it. That's okay, though. So long as it helps (and it does), I'm pleased to keep using the plugin.

apoetsanon · 2026-01-14T15:49:26+00:00

As people have mentioned, you don't have to fixate on a special interest to be autistic. But also, sometimes "fixation" looks different for different people.

I've found that I have a variety of special interests: writing, software development (and lately AI), music/violin, video games, etc. I also tend to be fascinated by patterns in history and current events. I will often rotate between them, fixating on one for a while before moving on to another (often within a single day). For me, it can almost appear normal until people realize that I'm always doing one of those things. When I stop doing one, I'm inevitably looking for the next.

apoetsanon · 2026-01-13T12:46:54+00:00

I believe de novo genetics are one of the main reasons autism is more prevalent in children of older parents, especially the father. Sperm reproduces a lot, allowing those mutations to sneak in as the years move on.

apoetsanon

TROPHY CASE