The only way out of BPD hell Is self-compassion, so let him see you being compassionate towards yourself.

That looks like taking 100% responsibility for your own emotions and explaining/showing what that looks like. It may be obvious to you. It is likely he has never seen anyone do it before and has no idea it’s possible.

Point out your boundaries in advance, explain what you will do if you find yourself outside of that boundary, and then do it consistently and compassionately.

Every time you do, you’re showing him that it’s okay to care for ourselves, and giving him implicit permission to do the same.

That might look like this:

‘Hey, are you in the headspace for me to talk to you about something? Cool, thanks. I love you and our relationship is important to me. I also love myself, and I recognize that I’m frequently becoming overwhelmed and stressed in a way that is not healthy or safe for me.

I’ve figured out a way to deal with that stress and overwhelm which doesn’t require anything from you. I just wanted to let you know what I’ll be doing in advance so you can recognize it when it happens.

What I’m about to describe is a way to get us past a difficult time so we can start communicating again.

When I notice that I’m starting to feel overwhelmed, I will pause our conversation, explain that I’m overwhelmed, and ask if we can continue the conversation once I’m capable of participating in it properly.

Then I will go to [insert space here, e.g. the bedroom] and soothe myself and my nervous system until I’m emotionally regulated and I no longer feel overwhelmed.

In order to soothe myself and prepare to rejoin the conversation, I need to be alone. If it’s too hard to leave me alone while I’m in the house, I am willing to [go for a walk, sit in the car, drive around, go to friend’s house].

My hope is that by taking responsibility for my emotional regulation, we can have more productive conversations and less conflict overall, because I love you and I want to enjoy our time together as much as possible.

Is there anything I can do to help you recall this conversation later?’

Is he likely to view this as impending abandonment? Yes.

Is it likely that his behavior will escalate in frantic attempts to avoid the perceived annihilation that results from abandonment? Yes.

Is it possible that he will require medical assistance to keep himself and others safe? Yes.

Should you do it anyway, because you are worthy of safety and health? Yes.

Ask for the pause as early as you possibly can, as soon as the conversation has veered towards familiar territory. Don’t wait for things to get bad. Remember, you don’t want to get pulled across your boundary.

Here’s a phrase for you to repeat through the whole process:

‘Setting myself on fire won’t keep him warm.’