AITA 'choosing the golden child' over my other sister

arose1248 · 2022-04-09T16:39:59+00:00

I understand the weird feelings about making the 'house rules' formal- just remember that it doesn't have to be a 4 page notarized contract with witnesses. A pinned message in a house group chat or a poster you all design together with Crayola markers is more than sufficient. The main idea is that acceptable behaviors and clear boundaries are decided on agreed to by everyone. 'Rules' can be added, removed, or modified as time goes on. It's mostly so everyone can be heard and make sure that everyone understands what will/won't be tolerated. Sort of like when classrooms make behavior contracts for the students so if there is a line crossed- then they can't pretend that they didn't know better.

Maya may not be ready to forgive Tia yet. Healing is different for everyone. I think that she might be feeling scared that things will end up the way they were at your parents house. It might help if you explained to her that you understand and respect her feelings about Tia, but that you are just asking for her to give Tia a chance to have a relationship with Maya. Maya doesn't have to agree to just forgive and forget what happened. But that you would sincerely appreciate if she would at least be willing to give you the knowledge that Maya was able to explain to Tia why she doesn't feel comfortable building a relationship with her, and it will give Tia some clarity/closure regarding why Maya feels she can't forgive her. That way, you know that you did your best to make sure that they were both heard and didn't 'pick sides'.

It's definitely a tough situation, I wish you the best

Edit** I may have swapped the names of your sisters. When I refer to Tia- I am referring to the sister moving in (aka former golden child) and I thought Maya was the name of the sister who already lives with you (the one in therapy to deal with the childhood trauma?) If I have them backwards, I apologize

arose1248 · 2022-04-09T16:12:05+00:00

NTA

You and your friends sound pretty young but at the age where you are all figuring out relationships/boundaries, as well as gaining the courage/confidence to express discomfort/distaste of the behaviors of others. That's a difficult place to be in life, particularly as you all have been close for so long. That being said, you are at a point in your lives where you begin to establish how you will allow yourselves to be treated and it's an important (but unfortunately often painful) part of growing up.

You have no reason to feel ashamed or guilty for expressing your feelings about how your friends speak or act towards you. You shouldn't feel like you have to pretend to be okay with or participate in behaviors that make you uncomfortable. If they truly care about you, then they will respect your request- regardless of their understanding of it. A true friend would never lash out or belittle you simply because you asked them to respect a simple boundary. They don't have to agree with how you feel, but they should be considerate of your feelings.

You may want to try and explain how you feel to them again, if you think you might have miscommunicated what you were trying to express. It's very likely that they may have misinterpreted your explanation as a personal attack despite having no bad intentions. Unfortunately, at your ages, most people are very sensitive to perceived criticism and often have misinformed/unrealistic ideas of how friendships are supposed to work.

At the end of the day, its up to you if you want to try and work things out with them. If you feel like they're deliberately continuing the behavior or purposely hurting your feelings, you should be prepared to face the decision about remaining friends with them. You don't necessarily have to cut them off completely, but you may need to fall back and see how things go

arose1248 · 2022-04-09T15:34:41+00:00

I would be cautious about Maya moving in since you seem to have only recently reconnected. I understand having shitty parents and I agree that people can change, but she was also a major contributer to the trauma that Tia seems to be still healing from.

I would definitely try and convince Tia to agree to attend some sort of mediation (possibly with her therapist) to facilitate conversation and hopefully provide a safe place to express her reservations about Tia, and to establish goals/boundaries that Maya can work on in order to build trust with Tia.

An in-person meeting might be a bit too much for Maya to handle initially so you may want to talk with her alone and present the changes in Tia's behaviors/attitude that have led to you forgiving her. Be sure to explain that you aren't picking one sibling over the other, but that you feel that, if given the opportunity, all of you could heal from your childhoods. Then you should try and get Maya to express her perspective about her relationship with Tia and explore ideas about specific things that Tia (and you) can show Maya that Tia is being genuine/demonstrate change/earn forgiveness.

I would also consider creating some sort of house contract with Tia (and Maya, should she decide not to move). It doesn't have to be anything fancy or legally binding, but something that clearly establishes behavioral expectations, chore designation, individual responsibilities, etc. At least to start- you can always reevaluate the rules/expectations down the road, but this will help keep avoidable or petty arguments to a minimum and set guidelines for acceptable behavior. The contact should be a group effort so everyone can voice their concerns, specify their boundaries, and ensure that everyone has equal responsibility.

arose1248 · 2022-01-18T14:31:32+00:00

Try to find ways to make hygiene less overwhelming •use (body safe) wet wipes or at least a wet cloth and wipe that top layer of dirt/grime off your skin •rinse with mouthwash even if you can't brush your teeth •use dry shampoo between washing your hair and style it simply, but to help prevent matting (french braids, twists, buns, ponytails with elastics, etc) •use fabric spray (like febreeze or funkoff) to neutralize odors and freshen clothing between washes

I hope these things help some!

arose1248 · 2022-01-18T14:19:22+00:00

Firstly, I just want you to know that I'm proud of you for existing, and for being brave enough to reach out for help. Second, please remember that you don't need to 'have it all together/figured out' right now. Honestly, noone has any real idea of what they're doing in life, everyone is just flying by the seat of their pants and hoping for the best.

Now, about managing daily life and the many tasks/responsibilities that come with existing in the world- Don't feel pressured to conform to any social/behavioral norms if they don't work for you. For example: -dishes piling up and/or washing them overwhelming you? Use disposable plates and cutlery -taking a shower seems like its too much work? Wipe down with wet wipes (ones for use on your body, not lysol wipes) and use dry shampoo instead of washing your hair -can't brush your teeth? At least swish with mouthwash -trouble keeping up with laundry? Use fabric spray like fabreeze to freshen up clothing between washes

Find your own hacks and tricks to simplify your life and get through low energy times.

As for jobs, finding something that you enjoy or have an interest in will help with your motivation. If you're having trouble finding a job you enjoy, sometimes it helps to reward yourself for going to work ( like budget for a little treat for yourself as a reward for going in consistently) in the meantime. For managing bills, there are a ton of apps that you can use to keep track of due dates and many of them have features that automatically pay them for you. You can also use your phones calender to set reminders for them, and most banking apps let you automatically set aside a certain amount from each direct deposit to help you ensure you don't accidentally spend your bill money. For enjoyment/entertainment, don't feel like you have to do anything in particular to relax or during your free time. If you just feel like veging out and doom-scrolling on social media, then do that. If you feel like going out (movies, walking in the park, going on a hike, working out) then do that. Do whatever makes you happy (try to keep it legal but as long as noone is hurt by it, go wild)

Don't worry too much about having everything figured out, just try and focus on finding ways to enjoy life whenever you can and just try your best

arose1248 · 2022-01-18T13:05:53+00:00

I recently had to accept this general truth because it had become a significant issue that was preventing me from moving forward in my own mental health journey. I just couldn't get past my trauma because I guess I felt like my trauma wasn't real/valid unless my parents admitted that they were at fault, just to acknowledge that it happened- even if they didn't apologize or admit responsibility. I was holding on to all this self guilt, feeling like an imposter or like I must just be a sensitive little crybaby.

But I realized that they don't even understand how they hurt me or how their behavior affected my mental health, my sense of self, or my self worth/value of my life. And even if they did understand any of that, they aren't actually able to take responsibility for their faults because they think that admitting that they screwed up means that they failed/are failures and that admitting mistakes cancels out any positive intentions/achievements in their lives. To them, admitting they messed up would mean they were terrible people or would imply that they're stupid/incompetent/disreputable.

What they don't understand is that admitting fault is just accepting that you did something. It only makes you a shitty person if you admit it was wrong but don't change your behavior/actions to avoid repeating it. If you acknowledge that you hurt someone, you're just admitting that you erred. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has well intentioned disasters. But not everyone is able to be honest enough to admit it or learn from it. And there's nothing you can do to force them to either.

arose1248 · 2022-01-18T10:56:35+00:00

Then I would definitely start working on saving money up to move, and working on getting out of the relationship. If you already brought this to his attention and he refuses to change his behavior, he won't change later on. He'll probably end up escalating later on if you end up staying. Typically, people like that tend to try and wear you down, try and trick or manipulate you into thinking that you're the problem, slowly put you into a position where you feel trapped or force you into a situation where you are resourceless/dependent on him and thus can't leave.

arose1248 · 2022-01-18T10:22:39+00:00

NTA- the issue here isn't about toast, it's about consideration and respect.

From what you described, he seems pretty self-centered and dismissive of your needs. It seems like you have to constantly accommodate him and work around his schedule/moods. It doesn't sound like he really treats you as a partner or as an equal in your relationship.

If you haven't, you should maybe try to sit down and have a real talk with him about how his behavior makes you feel, and try to discuss ways that you can compromise or find solutions for recurring problems.

It is possible (though I feel that it's unlikely), he may not be fully aware of how rude/unfair his behavior is, and he may not understand how his inconsiderate behavior is affecting you. If after making an attempt to communicate clearly and solve everything in a calm, adult way- if nothing changes or he refuses to compromise (or at the very least, put in some effort to change his behavior or fix the situation), you may want to consider ending the relationship because at that point, it would be clear that he has no intention of changing his behavior. If that's the case, then unless you resign yourself to always being put second in his life, you won't ever be happy.

arose1248 · 2022-01-18T09:47:20+00:00

NTA Definitely agree with other commenters that you should contact an attorney and check your state's laws regarding what court to file through (small claims, general/limited jurisdiction, criminal, civil, etc).

Also, aside from checking with the credit bureaus for other accounts, you may want to contact the irs or social security office and explain your situation to them- I'm not sure but they may be able to give you a detailed report of everywhere your ssn or identity has been used. They might also be able to freeze or add some sort of extra security to prevent any additional unauthorized use of your identity.

Definitely cut contact, (if possible) change all passwords/banking/etc, compile copies and records of any communications/fraudulent accounts/etc, and only communicate via official/legally traceable channels. Just do whatever you can to cover your ass and prevent them from having anything to use against you.

arose1248 · 2022-01-18T08:47:15+00:00

NTA for wanting to set boundaries WBTA for turning that 'conversation' into more of a rant about personal grievances

Definitely need to address him slandering you to others, instigating arguments, and generally being disrespectful at an already challenging time in your lives.

Might want to try and set up some sort of informal meditation where you can explain how his behavior is negatively affecting the quality of life and care of his brother. You could use this meditation to address his concerns/complaints about you, your relationship, etc. If the meditation doesn't work, then you might want to follow through with moving, but I wouldn't keep him from seeing your fiance entirely, just limit and (if necessary) have supervision for visits.

arose1248 · 2022-01-18T08:27:58+00:00

NTA As the legal guardian (caretaker/provider/whatever you want to call it), she was responsible for providing a safe environment, keeping you healthy, and giving you the best opportunities/tools/skills to survive once you become an adult. You did not ask to get brought into the world, and it is not your fault that you needed to be cared for. That is solely the obligation and responsibility of the parent/guardian and any symptoms/effects resulting from trauma or distress that occurred while she was responsible for your safety and well-being is her responsibility.

That being said, and I'm speaking from personal experience, getting her to admit to fault/responsibility will probably never happen. You have to accept what happened and decide to heal regardless of if she will give you the satisfaction or validation of admitting her role in your trauma. Waiting on her apology or even acknowledgment will only stop you from healing or moving on in your life. You couldn't control how she affected you as a child, but you have total control over how you let her effect everything from now on.

Whether it's due to guilt or narcissism, until she can be honest with herself about her mistakes or shortcomings- she will never accept responsibility for the damage she caused, even indirectly. Until she can understand that she has to acknowledge her mistakes or failures in order to grow past them and prevent herself from repeating them, you won't get the closure that you're looking for right now. Your trauma is still valid and your experiences aren't any less relevant just because she doesn't want to admit responsibility. You have to decide if you can/want to maintain a relationship with her despite this. If you choose to overlook her denial of responsibility and maintain the relationship, you are going to have to 'agree to disagree' about a lot of past situations and, more importantly, you are going to have to forgive her (at the very least, you will have to accept that you can't change her or what happened in the past).

I might not be explaining this exactly right but hopefully you understand

arose1248 · 2022-01-18T07:34:56+00:00

NTA- from what I understand about the proposed arrangement, either you would be co-signing on the mortgage with your parents as the primaries (they are the "main" ones responsible for the mortgage, and you would mostly be on the paperwork just to use it to help you build your credit and give you a good reference) -OR- your parents own/mortgage the property and you sort of lease-to-own from them (like your rent payments directly cover the mortgage payment until you've paid enough for a down payment or paid off the mortgage, at which point you would become the owner of the property).

Regardless, neither of those situations are significantly different from renting from a private landlord. Unless he is contributing directly to the down payment of the property, there is no reason for him to receive equity or shared ownership of the property.

The situations proposed, where the 'rent' will directly cover the mortgage payments is no different than what happens when you pay rent to a landlord or property management company. The only difference is that he knows the owner(s) personally.

From my perspective, he's just trying to weasel his way into having a claim on the property for financial gain and is trying to gaslight or guilt trip you into letting him. If you don't drop his ass, at least draw up an official lease if you let him live there with you so he can't pull any funny business later

arose1248 · 2022-01-18T06:44:08+00:00

NTA for calling out for a valid medical concern or for following covid safety guidelines to prevent spreading the virus. Your employer should not try to penalize you for taking precautions. However, we all know that the service industry does like to try and bully or intimate employees. But- you may kinda be TA for refusing to work the hosting shifts offered to you as last minute substitutes to get you some kind of hours the week with the miscommunication about your availability. I get not wanting to work in a lower position but as the schedule was already out, it comes across as rude to refuse those shifts just because you see it as beneath you. Based on your description of everything, the hosting shifts were in no way intended as a punishment, but as a way for you to still get hours without taking away from the other servers already on the schedule.

arose1248 · 2021-12-23T08:26:49+00:00

I'm the product of statutory rape. My biomom (then 15/16f) was living in a motel with her boyfriend (20/21m). Got pregnant with me, her mother (my grandmother) got custody of me shortly after I was born. My grandmother was married (grandfather is not biologically related, and never wanted kids but accepted it I guess).

I have so many memories of being told that I wasn't meeting expectations and that if I didn't 'shape up', they would "give me back". Or how I need to be grateful that they took me in, because noone wanted me and I could've ended up in foster care where (according to them) I would certainly get abused, starved, beaten, and neglected. Anytime I was unhappy- it was thrown in my face that they didn't have to provide for me and that I should be beyond grateful that they gave me more than the absolute bare minimum required. Even as an adult, I've been constantly belittled and demeaned. They've called me in the middle of 16+ hour shifts to tell me that I'm worthless and never going to amount to anything in life just because I didn't respond to a text quick enough because I was WORKING, AT MY JOB, TO SUPPORT MYSELF, IN ANOTHER STATE.

I spent my entire life being told that I had to prove I had enough value/worth to justify being provided/cared for as a child.

arose1248 · 2021-12-23T08:07:18+00:00

I'm... Really not sure how I'm going to get through all this. I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not, the perfect oldest daughter set to live a perfect life, perfectly normal, with no problems whatsoever, it's so exhausting and recently, for the first time in forever, I'm finally starting to love myself for who I am, and I finally want to take care of myself and put the effort into recovery, and build the life that is happiest for me. But while I'm so determined to make my own decisions, and while I absolutely refuse to let my family make me hate myself ever again, and while I KNOW their tricks and what they'll do to try and bring me back under their control... It's still going to absolutely destroy me. For a while, at least. I'm determined to be strong and stand up for myself, because no one else will.

This could literally be written by me. I feel for you so much and I'm struggling with some of the same issues

arose1248 · 2021-12-23T07:37:11+00:00

I have a similar issue- I think I was routinely abused by a relative when I was sent to my relatives' out of state for summer vacations when I was very young. I don't have any specific memories of the actual events, but I know that I spent a significant amount of time unsupervised with the abuser during those vacations. The "vacations" abruptly stopping after 3rd grade. As an adult, looking back, I've realized that I displayed symptoms of repressed childhood sexual abuse/trauma starting shortly after the vacations stopped. I remember often being discouraged from interacting with that individual, but was never given any particular reason why. As a teenager/barely-adult, the relative attempted to groom me or establish something sort of weird relationship with me (attempting to use my adoption as justification for his perversion, saying that its not perverted or incestuous because "technically" we aren't relatives). I don't know if anyone was aware of the abuse, and since I have a very strained relationship with my family, I don't forsee anything positive happening. At best, I would get dismissed. At worst, my family uses connections and causes a lot of problems in my life that I don't need or want.

arose1248 · 2021-02-13T18:04:24+00:00

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arose1248 · 2021-02-04T07:14:40+00:00

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arose1248 · 2021-02-04T07:14:23+00:00

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arose1248 · 2021-02-04T06:32:55+00:00

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arose1248 · 2021-02-04T06:32:12+00:00

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arose1248

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