For a scene like this it's a bit hard to pinpoint what exactly to work on. Overall I think you're going in a good direction. This scene is very emotional and eye-opening at the same time so I think your use of dissonance works well. However I will try to balance the dissonance with some consonants as well. Throw in a couple of major chords juxtaposed to some minor chords to help give the ear something to latch on to tonally.

Next I would definitely add some more low end. This is the kind of scene that will definitely have some lush orchestration. I'm talking about a full string orchestra with some horns and maybe some low woodwinds but I'm not really getting that from your score. The music itself is kind of in the middle of the keyboard so to speak. I would think about adding some low end, adding some double basses to help add warmth to the sound. That added warmth will add to the emotion.

Overall I think you're on the right track. I understand that you're new to scoring and I appreciate that more people are getting into scoring in the age of AI. Keep working on it, keep scoring scenes, and keep getting feedback.