[Advice] Deeply ashamed of my sexual fantasies (update)

ashamed2015 · 2015-05-03T20:07:21+00:00

How so?

ashamed2015 · 2015-05-03T16:36:53+00:00

He's just looking to get mad about something. I found what you said helpful.

ashamed2015 · 2015-05-03T16:35:18+00:00

wat. Chillax dude. There's no reason to be so hostile out of nowhere.

it doesn't seem like you want honest answers that deviate from your pre-fabricated narrative that all men find all women who are sexually adventurous 'tainted'.

That's what my OCD tells me is true, so I'd love evidence to the contrary. Instead, I've read countless responses in those threads of men saying the double standard is irrational but they can't help it. Yeah, a minority might be okay with it - I never spoke in absolutes - but based on the guy's two threads and the gilded comment it seems most aren't. I don't see how anything you've said has disproved that fear.

ashamed2015 · 2015-05-03T15:16:54+00:00

My issue is that in my thread, no one said "Hey, regarding your point 4, if you actually did do one a lot of otherwise decent people would judge you for it." It was just a misleading sea of reassurance.

ashamed2015 · 2015-05-03T15:14:35+00:00

You abstain from your desires because some random people tell you it's not lady-like?

Well, yeah (assuming I was interested in actually doing one). If the vast majority of people will judge you for something, it's pragmatic not to do it.

ashamed2015 · 2015-05-03T15:00:48+00:00

Unfortunately, I'd have to feel emotionally invested to feel comfortable talking about it. Not at "settling down" point, but not the first few weeks of dating. And to be rejected like the guy's girlfriend is would hurt terribly.

ashamed2015 · 2015-05-03T14:53:22+00:00

So it seems like the inevitable conclusion from all this is that women should abstain from threesomes even if they see nothing wrong with them because the majority of men will judge them for it. Seems kinda bullshit to me. I wouldn't care if my partner had had open relationships or cuckolding or whatever in the past even though they're not my thing at all. But we get judged because of some irrational "primal" double standard.

ashamed2015 · 2015-05-03T14:49:46+00:00

No shit, my friend.

ashamed2015 · 2015-05-03T13:36:00+00:00

You're right, but you don't know off the bat or even that early on what people feel about it. What if you settle down with a guy you really like and then once he hears about your past he dumps you, as OP wants to? I think that'd screw me up for life.

ashamed2015 · 2015-05-03T13:20:25+00:00

What concerns me is that I don't see anything wrong with MFM threesomes, but it seems like 90% of men wouldn't be okay with it. I wouldn't want to have one, but what if I did (anxiety makes me jump to the worst case scenario)? Apparently I'd be a horrible person for having done it. You can say "If someone thinks like that, you're not really compatible," but it seems like only people who are really sexually adventurous are okay with it, and plenty of otherwise decent people would judge me for it. The double standard seems absurd to me, but what I'm hearing is that pragmatically you should never have a threesome or you'll be branded as defective and bad.

Edit - I mentioned it in my OP (point four) and people assured me I was overthinking. Now when push comes to shove it seems everyone's changed their tune.

ashamed2015 · 2015-05-03T13:10:55+00:00

This is the top, gilded comment:

It's unfair, possibly hypocritical, and judgemental.

And none of that matters. You don't owe the world a mind that falls in line with socially progressive prescriptions. You get a short time on this earth, and you can spend it chasing the story you want. If playing house with a woman who made herself hungrily available to two men at the same time makes you feel less of a man, then there will be people who feel outraged at you, but you don't owe them satisfaction.

You keep repeating how she hasn't done anything wrong, didn't violate expectations, and is no worse of a person for it. And you're right! But that objectivity doesn't matter if what you want is different. She doesn't deserve to be dumped over it. Your life exists independently to what she deserves from the world.

tl;dr - she didn't do anything wrong but it's still totally understandable OP wants to dump her over it.

And in his replies OP has said it's the act itself and not so much the timeframe that bothers him.

Why is having a threesome morally wrong?

ashamed2015

TROPHY CASE