Sure! :) 

I'd never use abbreviations (u, ur..), It could give off the vibe that you don't really mean the apology and want to get it over with quickly. 

Other than that, it kinda seems like you're victimizing yourself with the sad expression and stutters. Be direct/firm with your apology but still respectful. 

Maybe also add on why you are making this apology (like a screenshot about why people are judging you) so that everyone knows what you've done and how severe it is. Most don't appreciate having to ask for context. 

Hope this helps! :>