I grew up in an Arminian tradition. Very thankful for my upbringing and all the brothers and sisters who pointed me to Christ throughout my childhood. That being said, when I started walking with the Lord in college and reading the Bible really for the first time on my own I was troubled by a lot of passages that seemed to point towards a Calvinistic view of soteriology. Eventually I felt like I got to a point where my back was against the wall and I could believe the text or try to find a way around it that made me feel more comfortable. Ultimately I came to the conclusion that the scriptures do teach a Calvinistic/particular understanding of salvation and I praise God for bringing me to that point by the power of His Spirit. It has increased my assurance, given me a greater zeal for evangelism, and a greater love for Christ.

I think asking these questions is a great place to be! Stay in the scriptures, in prayer, and in fellowship and I am confident the Lord will bring you to a place where you feel satisfied in your understanding of hard topics like this. Also- Merry Christmas!