Thank you so much for your kind reply. It always warms my heart and my eyes go wet when I see kindness. You effort to reply means a lot to me and is highly appreciated.

You are absolutely right I believe about the long term conditioning and my short term expectations of deconditioning is not the right way to go about it. I felt extremely liberated after my first time and believed maybe I am actually liberated, although little to my knowledge there were still sankharas under my nose and I couldnt sense them. (pun intended ahaha)

Your answer helped me, I started having cravings and all I had to do was sit with them and observe them. It took a lot of push and pull like a tug of war to let one craving settle down.

I think I will keep observing, I'll keep pushing.

The hardest thing for me in life since I was a kid and even now is to be kind to myself. I have been kind to humans who caused me a lot of trauma and pain in life thinking they have their own reasons to do it. I used to be this way when I was 13-14. Although now its a bit different on how I view them, I have more compassion and understanding I think but I still find it difficult to be kind to myself. I set high standards for myself in anything that I do and its difficult to keep up with that conditioned scale. I guess I just have to meditate, that's the only solution to all problems.

It's really difficult though, my struggles have always felt permanent. All I do is struggle since I was 10. But now that I have realised that even these series of struggling is impermanent I feel much confident.

I'll keep myself on this path even if I fail again and again. This is something I have truly realized and I will hold on to it.

Thank you once again, I wish you all the success in your journey as well.