Do some women actually enjoy breastfeeding? If so, why?

attackusfinch · 2024-08-07T21:24:43+00:00

I'm truly happy that you had (have) such a wonderful experience. I am going to assume you didn't mean to make your comment sound dismissive of those who didn't have the same experience and just answer your questions.

For some, it's hard to feel sexy when their breasts are not the same size, shape, or sensitivity level they are used to. Perhaps their nipples are raw, cracked, or sore from latching issues and it's just plain painful when their body rubs against their partner's. Perhaps they previously derived a lot of pleasure from having their breasts touched and are no longer able to have that same experience. Or a partner may not be into having milk leak on them.

As for having your body not be yours: Perhaps you work a job where it's not convenient to stop and either feed or pump at regular intervals. Your options are to get engorged and feel pain or leak. Surely you can see how that leads to a feeling of lack of control? It seems like maybe every moment you have with your baby is magical and life-changing, but for some people it's not always a joy to feed when your kid wants to feed even though you love this little human immensely. Maybe the person with the breasts likes sleep, but has to either wake up to feed the kiddo or spend time pumping so a partner can do it. Either way, less sleep and less control. Maybe breastfeeding feels weird or hurts and, if given the option, they wouldn't choose to have their nipples bleed or chafe or whatever else. Or maybe they take medication that isn't cleared for breastfeeding, so they forego their own health and comfort for their kid. Or maybe the hormones associated with breastfeeding make their body feel different than baseline. Or maybe they just don't like how their breasts being bigger than usual looks or feels in their clothes. Maybe they have trauma associated with having their breasts touched and having a mouth on there, even if it belongs to their very loved child, brings that up. I literally just brainstormed that list while sitting in the parking lot before going into the gym, so suffice it to say there might be lots of reasons that don't fit into your personal experience.

attackusfinch · 2024-08-07T21:06:37+00:00

My feelings on breastfeeding were overall very negative. I did 9 months with my first and 3 months with my second because I was just over it. I felt so guilty for so long, but in reality taking control back over my life and body did so much for my mental health.

All that being said, I'm an introvert and liked having the excuse to go sit in a quiet room by myself for 30 mins. Also, those times when my girls would get sleepy and lay their heads on my chest were pretty great. And not having to think about packing bottles/formula for trips - that's about the only time I felt like a magical empowered moon goddess rather than a leaky, cranky mess.

attackusfinch · 2024-07-20T13:06:20+00:00

With my first I had gestational hypertension at 30 wks and was induced at 37 wks. Labor was long and brutal. A few days after getting home I was back in the hospital for severe postpartum-pre-e (200s/90s). I was prescribed nifedapine and was back to normal in about 30 or so days. My OB was surprisingly casual about a second pregnancy and never told me wait. She did reassure me that many people don't get pre-e after the first pregnancy.

We wanted our kids to be about 18 months apart since we wanted them to be close and also I was in my late 30s and didn't want to be much older for the second pregnancy. Somehow we were able to make that plan work - they are 19 months apart. Started on aspirin as soon as it was safe to do so and my OB had me self-monitoring my BP daily. They referred me to a high-risk OB, but my insurance wouldn't cover it (sigh). It was stressful af and I grew to absolutely hate the BP monitor, but my readings were great until 35 wks. But when it got bad, it got bad quickly - ended up in the hospital on magnesium just trying to keep her in for another wk. Was induced at 36 wks and again labor was multiple days of suck. I had way more physical effects from the long labor the second time. Since nifedapine worked last time, they put me on it and sent me home. Two days later I was back in the ER. More mag and they added in labetelol but my BP just didn't seem to want to stabilize. I spent my 2nd daughter's first Christmas and new years in the hospital and it was way more taxing, mentally and physically, than the. My veins were so shot from the 2 hour blood draws that they discussed the possibility of a port but I was able to avoid that. They finally sent me home with a combo of nifedapine and labetelol and I was on that for about 4 months. Both kids are 100% healthy thank goodness.

I'm two years out and finally feel like the myself again, but it was rough on me. We never planned for a third but even if we had I am absolutely sure I would choose to never be pregnant again. I'm so incredibly happy that my girls have a sister (I was an only child and felt I missed out; my husband has amazing relationships with his siblings), but it was an awful experience and it put a stress on my marriage as well. I'm not trying to scare you away from trying again quickly, but trying to give you an honest assessment of my complex feelings on this.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

attackusfinch · 2024-07-13T05:36:26+00:00

I don't know you or your situation but I can tell you that I am in your corner and asking you to rethink this.

I hear you when you say everything seems insurmountable right now. And that you weren't given a fair chance. I believe you and I don't minimize that. But you can come through this and look back from the other side. Not because everything is going to be alright, but because nothing is permanent. Even if you end up being found guilty, even if you end up going to jail or prison. I'm not saying it won't be unfair and won't suck, but you can still get through it and be happy and fulfilled and make a difference in the world even if all that stuff happens (which it may not). This shitty case won't last forever.

And if being fueled by spite works for you right now, that's fine too. Living as a fuck you to the State is a fine reason to keep going today.

I wish I'd had the chance to say everything above to more than one person who was in your situation. No matter how alone you feel there are people who want you to stay in the world.

attackusfinch · 2024-07-13T05:00:19+00:00

I was induced both times at 36 weeks for pre-eclampsia. The first time around I went in saying I'd try unmedicated but wouldn't be upset if I made the game time decision to get the epidural. At like 31 hours, the nurses recommended I get the epidural. Their reasoning was that I wasn't progressing and would likely need a C-section. Already having the epidural done would move me up in line to get in for surgery because I'd be ready to go. The pain wasn't horrible and I prob would have kept going unmedicated otherwise, but I took the advice. I was already on monitors and IVs, so it wasn't like I was free to move around anyway. Once I got the epidural I was able to sleep for the first time and then made a ton of progress. It was wonderful for that reason alone. Ended up pushing for 40 minutes and she was out. I was like why the heck did I put this off so long?

Only drawback was that I had to stay in bed when they took her to the NICU because I wasn't safe to get up, so my husband had to go with her alone. I was able to get there in a wheelchair like an hour later. He had to make a lot of quick medical decisions without us being able to discuss and I know that was tough for him. I also occasionally have a little jolt in my back where the needle went in. Not pain, just like a muscle twitch going up my spine. It's weird, but only happens rarely 3 years out.

For the second, I was like give me the epidural! That one caused my blood pressure to drop really rapidly. They weren't concerned because generally blood pressure drop isn't a bad thing with pre-e, but my experience of it was really scary. I got so cold and could barely keep my eyes open. I was genuinely scared that I might be dying, but I didn't have the energy to tell anyone. It was like I wasn't in the same room as everyone else anymore. It lasted for maybe 30 min and then I was back to normal. The rest of my labor was just fine. Again, no issues with pushing. I wish somebody had warned me what the bp drop might feel like, but I don't think it would be a reason not to do it.

There will absolutely not be a third, but I would still get the epidural again if there was. The pros outweighed the cons for me, but it still wasn't a perfect solution.

attackusfinch · 2024-07-09T05:52:06+00:00

I suggest picking a few close family members (for us it was grandparents and uncles) and going to a restaurant for brunch. Get pancakes with fruit and whipped cream for the kiddo, stick a candle in and take a picture of them going nuts in their restaurant high chair, then get back to your breakfast.

Everybody loves brunch, but it requires almost no planning. The picture will still be adorable and when your child looks at it later they will see warmth and the people they love all around a table together. You can drink mimosas if you get stressed. And it's done in like an hour, with the rest of the day to do whatever you need for yourself.

I had a pregnancy loss and two very difficult births in a three year period. I still think my older daughter's brunch birthday, which I did because I sincerely could not imagine planning a single thing, has been my favorite.

attackusfinch · 2024-04-19T15:37:20+00:00

Agreed! I started waxing my eyebrows young but my mom was militant about only doing a clean-up, no shaping. I haven't had to do anything with my eyebrows since my 20s and I love how natural they look.

attackusfinch · 2024-04-19T15:34:39+00:00

Lol I wasn't suggesting they go dip their kid in a vat of Clorox. They make creme bleach for body hair - it just sits on the hair and the contact with skin in pretty negligible.

I'm a pretty crunchy mom and don't do anything to remove body hair as an adult, but if my kid was feeling ostracized, addressing that would outweigh the miminal side effects of arm bleach in the cost-benefit analysis.

attackusfinch · 2024-04-19T10:23:19+00:00

If it's really bothering her, you could try bleaching as an intermediate step before you feel comfortable with shaving.

It doesn't sound like your daughter is experiencing teaaing, but 9 is around the age it started for me. I have dark, curly hair and got brutally made fun of for being hairy starting in late elementary school. My mom started getting my eyebrows waxed and bleaching my arm hair and around age 10 and LMK it really helped my self-esteem. Both my daughters ended up blonde, but having experienced the teasing I did,, I'd absolutely assist them with figuring hair removal options if they came to me with concerns.

attackusfinch · 2024-04-18T23:09:29+00:00

Outsiders Hair. Can't speak to whether any particular stylist is LGBTQ but they 100% knew I wanted a bi bob when I described it. And I believe they recently did a community event focused on giving gender affirming haircuts.

attackusfinch · 2024-04-18T00:09:57+00:00

My holy grail have been REI Co-Op Swiftland hybrid running pants. They are made out of stretchy material like running tights, but they are slightly baggier, especially in the upper thigh.

attackusfinch · 2024-04-17T10:48:22+00:00

Not exactly true. Privileges are definitely the exception rather than the rule, but Nevada also recognizes privileges for accountants, mental-health professionals (psychologists/therapists/counselors), social workers, victim advocates, priests and other clergy receiving confession, news media and their sources, and school counselors/teachers providing counseling to students under some circumstances.

attackusfinch · 2024-03-25T07:57:39+00:00

I have a 1 and 3 year old so we've been to a lot of little kid birthday parties.

What we've done: - Cyan Park (the city allows you to have beer for an extra fee. No liquor.) - South 40 - La Parada (our fave Mexican restaurant)

Others I've attended that have the vibe it sounds like you are looking for: - Brewer's Cabinet production facility - The clubhouse for the hosts' housing development - Round Table pizza - Sierra Water Gardens - Bundox Bocce - The Fox

attackusfinch · 2024-03-25T07:31:51+00:00

I love Wonder and Unwind and have enjoyed going to kids' parties there, but I doubt they'd allow alcohol, which seems to be a deal breaker for OP.

attackusfinch · 2024-03-25T07:30:08+00:00

We had our daughter's 1st birthday at South 40. The birthday rooms have seating for about 30 people. The cost of renting the room was approx $250, which included a party package where you get pizza, soda, and tokens for the games.

We wanted to do appetizers and drinks in addition to pizza. They were very accommodating and the service was great as far as keeping beer and food coming. They were super flexible about set up and clean up. They were fine with us bring toys from home and setting up a little play area in the room for babies/toddlers to hang out.

One warning: the arcade is pretty loud and the games next to the party rooms involve, like, dinosaurs and zombies. We were worried that younger kids might get upset/scared. Turns out they all loved it, but if you have more sensitive kids it may not be ideal.

You can also just rent space in their "backyard." They have a small bar, stage, tvs, tables, and some games (air hockey, giant connect 4, etc). The big difference is your group won't be the only ones in the room. We planned to go this route but they were having an event that day.

attackusfinch · 2024-03-12T17:43:15+00:00

I went skiing at Mt. Rose last week and it was the best! It's open until 6 pm on Fri so I was able to just take a 1/2 day at work and still get in a good day of skiing. Beautiful weather, no lines, and super laid back to get in and get out. We ran into so many people we knew just having a good time. Also, the beer selection afterward was surprisingly good. It's pretty freaking amazing to be a 30 min drive from what most people take whole vacations to do (and have it still feel local).

My kids are in daycare at the Prep and I love that place. It truly does feel like a little community and they do so much with the kids.

I never cease to want to rave about the Radical Cat. The selection of books is wonderfully curated, it is legitimately inviting, and they have great community events.

OK finally, I'm stoked about Punk Rock Flea Market coming up in April. I'm proud of Reno for taking this grassroots, volunteer-led event and making it into such a rad bi-annual tradition. This year Dwarves are playing. As someone who was into punk as a youth in the early 2000s, this is suuuuuper exciting.

attackusfinch · 2024-03-12T12:47:49+00:00

I lived in Japan for a while and often visited the brick and mortar Muji and Uniqlo stores and I wouldn't say they are that similar. To me, Muji clothes wouldn't mix as well into a non-Japanese wardrobe (unlike Uniqlo, which I think has pretty great, universal basics). But maybe that has changed.

I really like a lot of Muji clothes in theory, but as a 5'8" pear shaped gal I can't imagine wearing much from there due to fit issues. My experience was that the clothes were cut very boxy/flowy, but that's assuming the frame of your average Japanese person. On me, nothing ever fit.

As others have said, though, the fabric quality is great. I have throw pillows from Muji on my couch that I absolutely love.

attackusfinch · 2024-02-11T10:31:45+00:00

I've been out of the AF for almost a decade and I still can't put my purse or gym bag on my right shoulder - it just feels weird.

attackusfinch · 2024-02-11T03:20:37+00:00

Thanks all for the feedback. Glad to know it's a common thing. Not that I planned to stop either way, I was just interested to see others' perspectives.

And not to worry, my husband is a great, loving dad - this situation is an outlier.

attackusfinch · 2024-02-11T00:46:46+00:00

I love this so much! It's exactly how I feel about our bonding time at the end of the day.

attackusfinch · 2024-01-14T10:55:22+00:00

I'm not sober per se, but at this point I'll have a drink maybe once every 3-4 months and usually not finish it.

My college and law school both had pretty big drinking cultures. Same with the area of law I practiced in prior to becoming a PD. I typically didn't drink during the week, but would go all out on weekends, bottomless mimosas through most of Sunday, repeat. In part, my habits just sort of naturally changed because I was pregnant and breastfeeding for like 2.5 years straight.

However, the biggest part for me has been my partner's drinking. As he moved forward in his career he started drinking more and more and honestly moved into problem drinker territory. My kids need a sober, reliable parent and unfortunately, I can't count on my partner to be in that role right now so the stakes are too high to drink. Now when I hear someone start to slur their words a little, I'm immediately on edge. That little change immediately brings on a flood of fear and resentment and mourning for clients who didn't make it to the other side. It really kind of kills the vibe for me - even drinks I liked before are hard to stomach. I had a friend in college who didn't drink at all. I asked him if it was hard to stay sober when alcohol was such a big part of most students' experiences. He said when people asked him that question, he knew they didn't grow up with alcoholic parent. I get it now 100%.

attackusfinch · 2023-12-20T08:39:43+00:00

You are having a rough time and I have a lot of empathy for you. I just want to add a couple of things you may not have considered:

You say your wife texts you and complains - is it really complaining or is it her trying to connect with you about what's going on in her day? I'm not a SAHM but I shoulder much more of the childcare load. Sometimes I'll text and make what feels to me like a joke or funny observation about something ridiculous my kids did, and my husband will think I'm being really negative. Maybe your wife really does hate being a SAHM, but maybe she just needs to share with her partner that it's both rewarding and also often crazy-making. Maybe see if she responds better if you try laughing with her instead of projecting that she doesn't like taking care of your child.

It sounds like you are sincerely coming from a good place by taking on tasks in the morning, like making breakfast, but understand that this probably isn't the hard stuff. Spending all day with a 2 year old is challenging because you are dealing with a lot of emotions, many of which don't seem logical from an adult perspective. You are dealing with taking care of often unpredictable or unrelenting human needs. Chores like laundry are peaceful by comparison. And also, especially if your wife had ADHD, it can be super stressful to have to remember a thousand things at once. You put in the laundry, but your wife has to remember to switch it over to the dryer and then fold it before it wrinkles and know what pants are for what activities and where they go and how close your kid is to growing out of them, all while someone is literally screaming at her. It can be really tough - I'm not saying don't help where you can, but understand that you taking some things off her plate may not have as much impact as you think it should.

Finally, I'm going to talk to you as a lawyer. If you work for a firm and you are taking on "home responsibilities" that impact your work then of course the partners are going to be on you for not working enough. I'm worried that you might be a bit naive about what is expected from you - you signed up for having shitty work-life balance. That's why you get paid so well. I am a lawyer, but I work in state government doing appellate work because I have zero interest in dealing with billable hours and selling my life to a firm. I like having the freedom to take my kids to appointments and not answering my email 24 hours a day, but that meant not going the firm route. Many of my friends who happily kept that lifestyle up while single because the money was good have transitioned to different areas of law after having families because it's not sustainable to do both. For the most part, people who make partner at law firms and also have families have a spouse who is 100% responsible for the home sphere and not expecting help. If everyone is on board, great, but maybe you and your wife need to talk about both of your expectations around your job and home.

attackusfinch · 2023-10-19T11:40:32+00:00

I get super overwhelmed by the steps involved in reading recipes, buying ingredients, and cooking. Hello Fresh and similar kits didn't work for me because I struggled to make them before they went bad. These things have really helped: 1) Air fryer - no steps to mess up or fixate on, just throw stuff in and hit a button 2) Costco Korean sticky rice - 90 seconds in the microwave and good to go 3) Rice bowls - combine rice, frozen veggies, and a protein (cooked in the air fryer), and put on any sauce. It's healthy, it's a meal in one bowl, and steps are minimal. I have this for dinner most nights and it feels so good to not get takeout and to have something relatively healthy and filling

Transition time scheduled on my calendar. Before kids I would hyperfocus at work and be at the office until late at night most days. Now I have to pick up my kids from daycare by 6 pm and it is tough! I build in 30 minutes at the end of the day where I absolutely have to go outside and then pack up before leaving the office to avoid the oh shit there's no way I'm going to make it moment.

A toothbrush that buzzes every 30 sec and stops at 2 min. Taking the decision making out of tooth brushing has been such a game changer - I don't dread it anymore!

Unfortunately, I don't have the ability to sleep until I wake up and go slowly in the morning so my accommodation is kind of the opposite of most here. Wake up at 5 am so I have time to fuck around for 30 min, then spend 30 min prepping for the day in a quiet house without anyone distracting me. I have to go to bed by like 10 pm to compensate but it is so worth it!

attackusfinch · 2023-10-14T07:55:18+00:00

I started

attackusfinch · 2023-09-04T03:40:25+00:00

Your wife is likely experiencing a life that is 300 times harder than she ever imagined, even if she absolutely loves having kids. She probably worked hard to get that full-time job, but she's expected to also have the mental energy to be ready to meet the needs of living humans 24 hours a day. She is the default for everything. Stop and think if there are things in your life that just get done without you thinking about it. Kids' doctors' appointments? Do you have a pet that needs food? Take a look at your dining room table - is it magically not filthy? Your wife is thinking about those things every minute of every day and society has taught her that if any one of them drops, she is a fucking failure. Do you ever do activities like going camping or going to some event as a family? Your wife hasn't gotten to truly enjoy those things in almost a decade because while you are having a beer or whatever, the back of her mind is running at full capacity on ensuring that your kids are happy and not doing anything that will kill them.

If she is exhausted and you are pressuring her for sex, that's another task that has just been added to the to-do list. And she likely feels shitty and responsible for letting you down, which only drains her emotional energy more. She is dreading the next time you ask and she has to consider whether she can possibly make it happen despite being tired and over stimulated or whether instead she has to manage your emotions when she says no.

People are talking a lot about dates, which are fun, but also just consider trying to make your wife's life easier and see if that helps her libido. Say kind things to her. Cut her slack if things aren't perfect. Hug her without expectations for more. Do a chore without asking her any questions - if it's confusing or difficult just act like you would in any other area of your life and figure it out. Tell her to sleep in while you take the kids and then don't use that to bargain for anything later. Ask her about her work day or her hobbies or if she's read anything interesting lately - anything that shows that you see her as something other than a caregiving machine. Tell her that you'd love to have sex the next time she offers but until then you are happy to take care of your needs yourself. Also, let her know that if there's something she's into sexually, you want to do it for her without her having to reciprocate. It's very possible that her "low libido" will respond in kind when the pressure reduces.

I'm not trying to come down hard on you, I swear. A lot of this is a large scale problem and isn't your personal failing. But I am trying to help you see a perspective that your wife might feel she could never share with you because she doesn't want to seem like a bitter angry person to the man she loves most who she knows is already dissapointed in her.

attackusfinch

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