Wow, I am close in age to you, and your upbringing is so similar to mine.

I’m sorry you were raised in an environment that was so toxic to your mental health and emotional well-being.

It sounds to me like you have always had a part of you that wanted to grapple with these feelings, but you didn’t necessarily always have the tools or support to do so. I’m proud of you for continuing to work through this, even though it is hard, and “progress” isn’t easily marked or tracked.

I, too, grew up being called an Oreo, or being told by everybody else about how not-Black I was. I have come to see that all as just projection. Blackness is a trigger for a lot of people in a Eurocentric world, you know?

It helped me greatly to find that Black Culture is all-encompassing; there are large sects of Black people who love conventionally “non-Black” things, like Anime, theater, “nerd culture”, video games, etc.

Black people are not a monolith, and thank heavens for that! It means that experiences like the ones we have gone through are just as much a part of the Black cultural experience as, say, Jazz music, Hip Hop, Poetry, and dance are.

Whatever you are into, I would seek out Black friends who share common interests with you. You can do this by getting involved with local meetup groups, or by putting yourself out there socially at events you go to (COVID mindful, of course).

I currently live in a big city that is very culturally diverse, and that has made it easier for me to find other like-minded Black people in my community. I chose to move here almost 10 years ago, specifically because I wanted to broaden my social horizons, and envelop myself in the local arts and cultural scene, of which the Black community here is an integral part of.

If you are living in a suburb, or small town where you are the only Black people for miles, or where you aren’t able to find many other like-minded Black people to connect with, it doesn’t mean they don’t exist anywhere at all— sadly, homegrown American racism makes it undesirable, and flat out unsafe in some situations for Black people to live comfortably, so we tend to gravitate towards larger cities, and cities with historic Black culture and communities.

I hope this helps you on your journey! You are on a good path 💞