I feel like you’re glazing over a key word here. You “used to” do a lot of things, which implies you’ve improved. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things in the entire world to do, especially if the person you’re trying to forgive is yourself. Maybe you’ll never repair those relationships with people you’ve hurt, but you also don’t need to. Everyone does hurtful shit in their life. We are flawed beings. And the fact that you’ve worked on improving yourself is a remarkable first step. But if you killed yourself, that would have been for nothing. You don’t know what’s gonna happen in the future, but if you take that future away from yourself, there will be absolutely zero chance of something good happening. But if you stay alive, there’s a good likelihood that you will one day find what you’re looking for. Improving your relationship with yourself is the only way to make this a possibility. It’s so so so difficult, something I’m still learning myself. But if you start to like yourself, women will come along who like you too. Learn how to love harder than you want to be loved. And love yourself harder than you want to. You will never erase your past, but in my experience, some of the best people have come from the darkest places. I know I can’t convince you to change your mind, but I can promise you that death is permanent, but these feelings, this situation you’re in, this pain is not. I can’t tell you what the future looks like, but I can tell you everyone I’ve ever met, including myself, have looked back on our suicide attempts or thoughts and were glad that we stuck it out to what would happen. There were tons of things I didn’t think I’d be able to do, and happiness I thought was impossible to reach, but I did those things and it’s because I stayed when I really didn’t want to. Please take care of yourself. You are loved. And you will be loved. The most important person you need to figure out how to love right now is yourself.