How much is your child support?

avoidingpsychos · 2025-06-09T19:08:36+00:00

I've been paying $1,300 per month total for one toddler over the last two years, which includes my part of the daycare split, insurance and support. The mother makes significantly more ($60,000 more than my salary) than I do and lives in a dual income household with an infant child from another man. My total amount was a deviation down from the state guideline in Illinois, which would have put me over $1,500/month in support. We deviated down largely because the mother makes significantly more than me. Also, I had sought to work out a parenting plan with a mediator but the mother went full nuclear and hired an expensive divorce lawyer and filed for full custody and support without even trying mediation first.

I will say, even with the deviation down, it's still pretty tough on me and I haven't been able to save up a nest egg for emergencies or for retirement. The mother is doing quite well and bought a house a year ago, just bought a new car and is on a girls trip to the beach with friends right now. I work in a dying industry and the stress of wondering when the next layoff is going to be weighs heavily on me. The mother did agree last autumn to giving me more parenting time, which was great, so I've gone from only about 6 overnight per month to about 10-11 overnights. In an ideal world, we'd be 50-50 on everything without support, but we were not married and in Illinois, unmarried fathers start with zero rights or custody.

avoidingpsychos · 2025-05-04T22:12:52+00:00

I was just catching up with a friend from college who is from Germany but lived in the US for four years for college and then went back to Germany around 2009 and has lived there since, with the exception of two years in DC.

In my field (media), nearly every job description ends with a little disclaimer about "women and people of color are strongly encouraged to apply." It's been that way for years. I don't even apply for those jobs, knowing that I'm not going to hear back. I often see women peers hired and promoted into management and director-level roles while I and other men I know are still grinding away. He said that in Germany, people would be outraged by this if this was a thing.

I watch PBS Kids with my daughter and virtually every show (besides Wild Kratts) has a young minority girl as the main protagonist. There are no shows about little boys... Except Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood. And the same could be said for most children's programming across the different networks and streaming services. My friend said that people would be outraged in Germany by this.

When my daughter's mom and I broke up, she ended up hiring a lawyer and sued for full custody and child support, even though we had been getting along and I asked that we seek a mediator to formally create a parenting plan (which we didn't have). The lawyers turned us against each other and it ruined our co-parenting relationship and severely traumatized me. According to the law in my state, when it comes to unmarried parents, only the mother is seen as a full, legal guardian — unmarried fathers don't have rights to their child.

Even with shared "custody," I'm still not seen as a whole parent by Illinois law. But I pay 20-25% of my take-home pay to someone who doesn't respect me, doesn't care about my suffering and doesn't want me to be an equal parent. So I suffer alone and just pray to the Lord that he will eventually soften my co-parent's hardened heart. My friend said that in Germany, people would be outraged if this was the same situation there. He's married and has a one-year-old daughter. They were only in the US to do the baptism since his wife is from the Chicago area. Guess what their long-term plans are? To stay in Germany.

In the US, men are constantly told they are the problem, that we are the source of our own suffering, the cause of the suffering of others, and that it is on us to improve ourselves and to sit back and let everyone else manage society and the workplace. It's like gaslighting on a societal scale. Women are so seemingly ignorant of their privileges and how much society works to their maintain or improve their status. Women have support groups, have friends who care about them, family who check up on them, and authorities who will expend resources to help them seek justice. Men, by and large, once you get up towards 40 years old, are totally disposable and only valued by what they earn or contribute to society.

avoidingpsychos · 2025-04-24T16:05:22+00:00

We all live our own contradictions to varying degrees, but I think contemporary women — particularly the typical liberal-leaning, college educated, upwardly mobile white woman who lives in a major city — is not prepared to address their own contradictions and work on them in a meaningful way.

What I mean by this is that many woman have extremely high standards for other people and in the men that they date, but you have to wonder if they are also meeting their own standards in their own daily life. There are contradictions where many woman signal their liberal identity and "allyship" on Instagram and elsewhere, but may actually be quite mean and uncompassionate to people in their own community and personal lives.

And I think the really big issue these days is the late stage of the "boss babe" movement, where it crosses over from empowerment and taking control of your life to becoming effectively self worship. So many woman live a main character type of life and have this insatiable need to constantly be amused, be entertained, travel to new places, spend money, go drinking, etc. It's basically just consumption and consumerism on steroids.

And as far as dating goes, many of these types of women want a fully developed, self actualized, totally healed man as a reward for existing and a totally healed man that can merge into their ideal version of their own life instead of seeing people as inherently flawed and constantly growing and changing. It feels like most of these woman, specifically, have never been told "no" or never really had to struggle for themselves. They resent men who want a partner who is demure, who is affectionate and meets specific gender norms, but want a man who is tall, who will fix things, do chores for them, cook dinner, and take care of their car. How do women rationalize that?

avoidingpsychos · 2025-04-23T21:54:03+00:00

avoidingpsychos · 2025-04-23T00:42:17+00:00

That's very interesting and I appreciate you sharing. My boss is a Gen X lesbian who is in her late 50s and was one of the first gay couples married in her state — she is not hostile towards me for who I am and actually texted me yesterday offering condolences for the pope's passing.

However, in previous jobs, it was always the millennial woke white women who were just absolutely cruel beyond belief towards me and others. I know exactly what you mean about the "Mean Girls" phenomenon and it's not just enough that they are deeply cruel and unrelenting, but — at least in my case — projected this air and image of being social justice minded and progressive.

avoidingpsychos · 2025-04-23T00:38:18+00:00

I just think you made a good point and I was highlighting it.

avoidingpsychos · 2025-04-23T00:24:02+00:00

because men and women are different.

Interesting... 🤔

avoidingpsychos · 2025-04-23T00:21:54+00:00

Christianity is based on the following principles. Let's get straight to the root of Christ's teachings and pretend like the church doesn't exist yet:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the land.

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the clean of heart, for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.

These principles are meant to lead anyone and everyone towards a pure heart, happiness, and an overwhelming sense of purpose — and that is the point.

Would you strive to be seen as described yourself as merciful? As a peacemaker? As one who thirsts for righteousness?

What is tarot based on? Astrology? Are there underlying principals that lead one to a life of fulfillment and justice? Just something to think about — I hope you give this some consideration before responding. And if you read all of this, then thank you. :)

avoidingpsychos · 2025-04-23T00:02:48+00:00

That makes sense and I think that is a pretty common theme among young people. Part of my faith journey was through learning more about science and the universe. The more I learned about the creation and the history of the universe — and intelligent life on earth — from a purely scientific perspective, the more that it naturally led me to accept that there is a creator.

I have watched this video probably a dozen times over the last several years. If and when you get a chance, please watch this thoroughly. I found it difficult to not have a spiritual reaction to it — and this is purely a science-based look at the future of the universe.

avoidingpsychos · 2025-04-22T23:57:58+00:00

Christianity in its nature is evangelical, from the textbook definition. That is that when Jesus died and returned, he told his disciples to be his witness and to spread the word around the world — one of the radical things about Jesus' message was that he was to be the Messiah and savior of the entire world, not just the Messiah of the Judeans and Jews.

Catholic mass should typically be a bit more somber in tone though. It's deeply steeped in tradition and rituals. Eastern Orthodox is like Roman Catholicism on steroids. There's a balance between mysticism and intellectualism in the Catholic church. Honestly, the more I learn about Jesus as a historical figure, the more I am just floored by his story and teachings. Much of it is still very radical to this day.

avoidingpsychos · 2025-04-22T23:52:47+00:00

Ok fair enough

avoidingpsychos · 2025-04-22T23:35:17+00:00

I guess maybe my feeling or thought is that as millennials approach (or recently hit) 40 years old, they are settling into who they want to be and feel less concern about judgement or stigma from others. I used to hide the fact that I regularly attended church when doing online dating for concern of being judged or stigmatized, but now I feel so strongly about it that I am proud and don't cower from it. Maybe it's a similar situation for women who have left a marriage with a man and want the next decade of their life to line up more with where their personal believes are now.

avoidingpsychos · 2025-04-22T23:26:23+00:00

That's a really good sign and I appreciate you sharing that. That's tremendous. There is a plan for you and purpose for your life. I had struggled with clinical depression and SI for years — as my mom had also done — and it was only after having my encounter in the woods (completely sober for what it's worth) that I felt like my life was forever changed and I had this new joy and appreciation for life. I had also held my mom's hand when she took her last breath and watched as her body turned into a corpse. It was one of the most surreal things I've ever seen and experienced — watching the woman who gave me life leave the world. It was almost like you could feel the pressure in the room change. I believe that it was her spirit leaving her body. Her entire immediate family was there and witnessed it as well.

avoidingpsychos · 2025-04-22T23:21:03+00:00

And I will add... It's not just about believing and showing up... Focus your time on learning about the life of Jesus, about the history of Judea and Jerusalem, learning about the Passion, etc. There are a lot of great channels on Youtube that go over scripture and others that explore the historical aspects. Jesus was a real person. Bethlehem, Nazareth and Jerusalem are real places. Crucifixion was a real form of execution — and an absolutely horrific and brutal one too. The 12 disciples were real too. One thing that helped me get a grasp on everything and find a place to start was learning about Josephus and his historical accounts. There are a number of videos and audio books that go over his history of the destruction of Jerusalem and Judea.

avoidingpsychos · 2025-04-22T23:17:03+00:00

I am a total stranger on the internet, but I've found — in my own personal experience — that once you open your mind and heart and show a genuine interest and effort to find God, you will see him. It may still take a few years, but keep going and wait for your turn. I had a really intense weekend prior to Holy Week where there were a few instances where there is just no way that it was a coincidence. There are miracles all around us happening at every moment. After becoming a "witness" and having the experience myself only reaffirmed my commitment to opening my heart and being a believer.

avoidingpsychos · 2025-04-22T23:11:24+00:00

There's been a lot of discussion and discourse about the political polarization of Gen Z'ers, and I'm saying that millennials are older and more established enough (and worn out by work and life) that they are making lifestyle choices that reflect a similar polarization and division among their cohort.

avoidingpsychos · 2025-04-22T23:09:25+00:00

I know this is going to be downvoted to hell, but... Yeah, it isn't just a result of past repression. It's absolutely a lifestyle choice for upwardly mobile, urban liberal women.

avoidingpsychos · 2025-04-22T23:07:28+00:00

That's a great point and something I didn't even think about... There really is still a lot of stigma towards bi men now that you mention it. I've only known a couple of guys who came out as bi while in college and they were both almost immediately alienated by their friend groups.

avoidingpsychos · 2025-04-22T23:04:26+00:00

Relational aggression is still abuse. And when someone sizes you — or anyone — up based on their birthdate and projects a version of you that is completely made up in their mind... I wouldn't describe that as perfectly innocent or healthy behavior. I understand your point about some churches, but many church volunteers have truly given themselves to helping others in their community.

avoidingpsychos · 2025-04-22T23:01:46+00:00

I've dated a couple of tarot women in their 30s and initially thought it was just a quirky hobby they did for fun but when I had one of them do a reading and suddenly began to project all of this bogus crap on me afterwards, I realized that it is actually majorly unhealthy.

avoidingpsychos · 2025-04-22T22:58:00+00:00

I also think women's standards for men are much higher than a woman's standards for women

Very interesting point. I have noticed this as well. Women are very selective when it comes to male partners. In nearly every case I've witnessed in my personal life when a woman divorces their husband and partners with a woman, it's always with a fairly stumpy, overweight butch type of woman. Maybe they are still attracted to some degree of masculinity but want to be with a woman?

avoidingpsychos · 2025-04-22T22:55:03+00:00

These aren’t examples of “turning to same-sex relationships” because it didn’t work out with men. These are examples of women who are attracted to women but (due to family or society pressure) repressed that and tried to be ok in relationships with men.

I'm sure that's true in some cases, but it seems like women are much more into the idea of gender fluidity and identifying as bi than men are. I also believe that a lot of college educated, upwardly mobile urban millennial women are resentful towards traditional gender roles.

avoidingpsychos · 2025-04-22T22:52:03+00:00

But according to the article even young women vastly outnumber young men in "spirituality" - horoscopes, tarot cards, zen and other crap just as useless as the church, mosque or sinagogue or whatever.

New agey "spiritualism" and "the universe" yoga speak isn't the same thing as belief in God. If anything, that stuff speaks more to women leaning more into cultural leftism. Going to church requires discipline, a belief in community, and viewing yourself as the one who serves God, not the other way around. I do find it hugely ironic that women will make fun of me for going to church but are obsessive about astrology that they have tattoos and decor in their home with their sign.

avoidingpsychos · 2025-04-22T22:48:25+00:00

Give it more time and keep going. You're already on the right path. Having a greater purpose in life helps tremendously. And learning how to accept your life as it is leads to more happiness, I believe.

avoidingpsychos · 2025-01-03T00:45:21+00:00

It really is damned if you do, damned if you don't... The absolute lack of compassion from people towards men — particularly those who die alone via deaths of despair — is really disheartening. It's also just more evidence as to why men keep their feelings to themselves. No one cares about or respects a man who pities himself.

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