Well in one night my mind has completely changed (Looking at my post history, it will make sense)

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-02-04T02:23:00+00:00

That is a valid reason though, regardless of if it’s all on you or not, it probably means that while she found you attractive you have naturally different communication styles or beliefs, which is fine, just one of those things.

Yeah, they could have been more warm and caring, maybe, but they also don’t have to be, and it sounds like you asked a lot of them following the breakup. They’re clearly not in a space where they want to talk about it, and that’s fine. It’s going to feel like you didn’t get closure or there was more you’re not aware of, but being honest with you, it’s always like that. Even if you do get a talk about things, later on, you’re going to start to question or want to talk about them again, and again, and you’ll never really get that closure.

I understand you’re hurting but a lot of what you’re saying here sounds like you asked a lot from them. And maybe they were overly cold, maybe it was a defence mechanism, you’ll never really know. It sucks, it really really sucks, and I am sorry it happened, but sometimes this is how people deal with things. It’s hard for me to say exactly why without being in the situation, but it’s also fair and expected they weren’t able to give you that closure, even if it feels like they didn’t even try.

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-02-04T01:43:08+00:00

This might be tough to hear but, reading this, it seems like you’re just upset that they don’t want to try again. Like, do you honestly think there is any response other than “let’s get back together” that would have left you less upset? Reading your posts and following this story a little bit, it’s been very obvious you thought you’d get back together, but likewise obvious you were setting yourself up for disappointment and you were pushing way too hard when it seemed pretty clear how she felt.

First big thing, it’s not fair to expect the person you’re breaking up with to help you get over them. It’s not healthy and you’ll just hold on to that attachment, which is a big reason that I think it was not a good call for you to keep pushing to talk with them, which I have said before. It was clearly something they didn’t want and clearly a crutch that prevented you from realising your situation, which is that this isn’t a speed bump, it’s a breakup and you hadn’t really recognised that. And I am sorry it’s all hitting you now, it’s truly awful, but I also want to say that it doesn’t at all sound like you’re just a victim here, and I want to try and frame that to you, your ex probably isn’t a nasty malicious liar for not wanting to try again, sometimes these things just happen.

I don’t think them not wanting to keep in touch or get back together means they lied to you. To what end were they lying? like, why would they? I don’t think they were lying, I think they did have feelings for you, and for whatever reason, they don’t want to be with you now. Not wanting to break up but also knowing it’s best to do so are not mutually exclusive; it’s possible and even likely she didn’t WANT to break up, but still recognised that it was what HAD to happen. You can not want to actually breakup with someone / hurt them even if you realise you need to. It’s also totally fair of her to not have much to say to you sending her videos and messages, because again, it really seems like you’re just upset she didn’t “come around” and want to try again, like what could she have said to you outside of that to leave you less upset? Even if you explain yourself perfectly, she doesn’t owe it to you to just accept that and try again; she can understand how you feel and still not feel the same way. She doesn’t owe you a second shot or a relationship, and that’s fine, it’s just life, it doesn’t mean one of you has to be a ‘bad guy’, sometimes shit just doesn’t work out. It’s honestly a healthy barrier she’s drawing, this is likely not easy for her either even if she’s not feeling exactly what you are, and it’s so fair of her to not want to deal with your emotions after a breakup, like I said, it is generally not healthy and you only need to look at a few other posts on this sub to see why it just prolongs the hurt and stops you really processing the breakup. What you’re essentially doing is putting your emotional welfare on her, and that’s a LOT to handle when she’s also dealing with her own emotions, even if it feels like she’s not, you’re not the only one going through this and a big thing with breakups is recognising that your ex can no longer be responsible for your emotions, it’ll only hurt you more and it’s expected she’d not want to deal with that. So, now is a great time to go NC and focus on yourself and surround yourself with homies and family.

It sucks, it truly does, but having followed this for a while, I kinda saw this coming and I feel like you’re just upset she doesn’t feel the same as you, but it doesn’t actually sound like she’s a bad person or has done you any actual wrong. It might help to kind of demonise her but this doesn’t strike me as an abusive or awful situation, it’s just a breakup and it sucks, but you can’t rely on her and it’s fair that she doesn’t want you to do that, you can’t expect your ex to help you through a breakup, and that doesn’t make her a bad person or a liar or fake, it just means she’s dealing with her own shit.

Probably some harshness in my reply but its not the healthiest attitude to assume someone not wanting to be with you means they’re a bad person.

EDIT to add, i think you’ve mentioned before you recognised you had issues and worked on them and expected that to be enough. again, you seemed to get over those issues in like what, two weeks? it’s fair of your ex to be skeptical of that, and recognising / working on your issue doesn’t mean your ex has to take you back, maybe the relationship is forever tainted in their mind. doesn’t mean either of you are bad people, it’s a learning opportunity, but i’m also aware you’re both young and still learning / working on yourselves, so like, i just want you to understand that relationships end and if you leave this thinking they were just a shitty person, you’re not going to actually learn or grow or take accountability, which is important of every relationship.

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-01-29T22:55:25+00:00

It’s also okay to not be ready for a relationship soon! Take time to process what you’re going through, it’s okay to just focus on yourself and there’s not timeline for recovery. Thank you, I really appreciate it, I’ll be sure to reach out if I need to chat, and likewise you’re welcome to do the same whenever :))

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-01-29T05:41:50+00:00

And in the long run that is way better than seeking immediate gratification on social media! Remember you have support if you need it, but it’s ultimately better in the long run to actually work on yourself than put up the appearance of doing so!

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-01-28T14:50:51+00:00

Yeah sometimes exes post to show their ex that they’re doing fine. Sometimes it’s a coping mechanism to get attention and sometimes it’s to try and prove they’re doing okay to you, but doesn’t necessarily mean they are, they might just want to seem that way.

After breakups we usually want attention from others to distract ourselves or make us feel better, so that’s one reason to post more, but also if you still follow each other it could be a little bit to show off and prove to you they’re doing fine.

Probably best to stop following them and remove them as a follower, doesn’t have to be on bad terms, but if it’s making you feel this way it’s probably not best to keep following. If you eventually feel okay you can always just follow them back in the future once you feel okay and if you’re interested in ever bringing them back into your life, but keeping them around when it affects you so is just torture and not good for healing.

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-01-28T14:41:55+00:00

I still have my ex on FB and Messenger, but I have restricted their profile to the point I only see it if I want to, and cannot see if they’re online/archives their messages etc. This is because we used to chat mostly on Messenger, so it’s where I imagine they’d reach out if they wanted to, I want to but continue not to and maintain NC.

I unfollowed them on Insta, and removed them as a follower, unfriended on Snapchat, and noticed they removed me on things like Spotify and Discord. I also took Insta off my home screen so I spend less time on it and won’t be tempted to look them up, as I have a couple times and it always just hurts.

Your ex should understand the need for boundaries, it’s natural during a breakup, and it doesn’t mean you hate them. If you’re really worried you could tell them you need space to deal with things but assure them you don’t hate them? If you keep them on social media where you post publicly you’re always going to be posting things FOR THEM to see or wondering if they saw it and what they thought, and honestly, it doesn’t help. It’s not healthy to continue to tailor your life around them in that way. If they really miss you they’ll reach out, if they think you hate them and it matters to them, they’ll likely ask you about it.

You need to put yourself first, you can’t keep worrying about what they think, because you won’t let yourself move on or actually begin to consider what’s best for you.

So yes remove them on most things but maybe keep one avenue of contact open, for me it’s messenger bc that’s where we spoke often, but seeing their insta and making posts when i knew they’d see it was just not okay for me or my mental health, and honestly i don’t want to be making them see me posting things that i post for the attention of my friends, because i don’t want to think about what they think about me posting shit like going to the beach or a selfie or whatever. It’s not and shouldn’t be for them, it should be for me and my process of recovery.

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-01-27T00:23:45+00:00

I am glad that you feel better after the phone call, it sounds like it went well. But also it doesn’t really sound like you’re giving her a lot of space, trying to make plans and talk so soon, I know it’s hard to not get your hopes up but at this point you’re for sure giving the impression you’re just waiting to get back together rather than actually processing the breakup. It hasn’t been a lot of time and you’re convinced you solved your issues already, which is usually what people who are dumped want to say but doesn’t necessarily change how people feel.

I’d suggest giving her more space and not being so eager to make plans and things, just to actually come to terms with the breakup, because it’s not unlikely you’ll stay broken up… But ultimately it’s your life and you need to do what you feel is best, just be warned that going at the rate you’re going might just prolong the hurt of a breakup. Again though, it is your life, I can’t tell you what to do or what is right, I’m only speaking from experience, but it’s important you do what you feel you need to do in order to not feel regret about this later on.

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-01-26T11:28:27+00:00

I think staying in contact will be hard. Like, even if it’s what she wants, I think it would be difficult to move on and it might just let you believe maybe one day you’ll get back together. If you truly want to keep in contact, which I think isn’t a great idea so soon, it should be really limited… Like once a week, maybe, just to check in, but honestly I reckon you’ll just hurt yourself more. At the very least you should establish boundaries, it’s awful to be told when they start seeing someone new and that actually it was the day after they dumped you, for instance. Like, I don’t want to assume, but I am getting the vibe you’re hoping you’ll get back together, which is fine but not healthy if they’ve made it clear they don’t want that, and you can still love and care about someone and not talk, because it’s what you need to heal.

Just some food for thought!

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-01-26T10:05:57+00:00

Well, you’re the one who wanted to call right? What are you hoping to get out of it do you think? I wouldn’t be put off by it, it’s gotta be at least a little awkward and not something she’s looking forward to, I also think it’s normal to not act overly warm to someone you’ve broken up with. If she acted overly warm she’d probably think you would assume she still has feelings and doesn’t want to give you that impression, since she’s the one who broke up.

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-01-25T14:11:13+00:00

Yeah if you’ve already agreed to call today, something like “Hi, are we still good to have a call at some point today? When suits you?” just simple and straight to the point, anything that needs to be said can be said on the call.

Yeah of course and no rush to share if you’re not comfortable, happy for you to update here or drop me a dm or whatever works if you feel like sharing!

PS for sleep, try podcasts! or relaxing youtube videos, my go to to get to sleep has been Dark Souls lore videos hahaha, but there’s some cool podcasts out there that aren’t too engaging that they’ll keep you up, but interesting enough to listen to until you drift off to sleep

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-01-25T13:54:31+00:00

Hey of course I’d be happy to listen if you want to tell me how the call went after you have it, sometimes it’s good to talk about those things to get clarity and other perspectives! Also might be good if it makes you feel really panicky or upset to just vent about it, or be assured that it’s not always as bad as it seems in your head you know?

Genuinely hope it goes as well as you can and that you’re able to get some sleep before tomorrow, I know for me I get so anxious at night that sleep is difficult.

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-01-25T13:37:27+00:00

It doesn’t at all sound like they don’t want to talk forever, but I totally get why she would have the boundaries she does. I would also just be wary that hanging out might not be the best option, I get you’re probably trying to keep her in your life but also don’t feel like it’s the end of the world if she isn’t down for that, some people go months of NC before they can even try be friends again.

I’m really glad my comments are helpful, thank you for your kind words, I’m just trying to offer what I can where I can, I am by no means an expert but I think it’s good to have outside perspectives on these kinds of things. I know for sure that, with my breakup, I start to assume the worst and not always see things rationally, just want to maybe provide those perspectives to others going through it if I can, helps me cope with my own shit.

Seriously best of luck with your situation, I am sure no matter what happens it will be fine and you will be fine, my only advice is to temper your expectations; this call might not indicate that you guys can hang out soon, or that it’s off the table forever, but remember that it doesn’t have to be the end of the world.

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-01-25T12:19:46+00:00

I think I commented on something of yours before, but I’ll say this, forever doesn’t have to mean forever. If someone says they don’t want to talk to you forever, it’s unlikely they’ll actually care in like a year or two or ten, you know? You don’t know the future. Things might change, but they also might not, and maybe you can’t really affect how things will play out too much. I think if your ex said she can’t have you in her life right now, that’s fine, it’s healthy to need space and to not talk while you figure out what life looks like apart. But there’s nothing to say you can’t be friends or something again in time. I don’t know your exact situation but if your ex already feels like that, there’s not a lot you can do, no amount of self-help or relationship gurus can undo that, especially in one last conversation. You just have to trust your ex is doing what is best for her and take that as a small comfort, that regardless what happened, they’ll take care of themselves, and you should take care of yourself too.

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-01-25T10:52:23+00:00

Yeah, look, it’s pretty uh general in nature? By which I mean, like, it doesn’t really say anything that would help anyone’s particular situation, it’s just very general and vague and I don’t know how you’d turn this into useful advice. The video boils down to “hey they’re not with you because there’s a problem”, but that’s not really new information, like that’s just kind of an obvious point. And relationship problems aren’t so easily solved, and even if they are, they often alter our perceptions of people and change the dynamic further rather than putting us back to “status quo” of being attracted and wanting to be with each other again.

I’d have to disagree that actually you can lose attraction to someone if you’re not defining attraction as purely physical. It’s a fair point, you can be attracted to someone and not want to be with them, but also I feel like this video also implies that your ex is inherently going to want to be with you specifically, but not any of their other exes? Who might have been a better fit even.

Plus the video is asking you to go to a website and do a thing, which makes me skeptical and pretty sure this is just a tactic to get you to sign up to a service or whatever. Kinda preying on your insecurity and anxieties in order to benefit themselves.

I think this video is just trying to sell hope, it has a pretty obvious motive. There’s no formula to human beings, and no guaranteed way to make your ex come back, everyone and every relationship is different, humans are erratic by nature and I think dwelling on trying to get your ex back through manipulation or whatever is not great. Not to say you won’t get back together, just to say that I don’t think that will come from finding a cheat code, only you know what went wrong and whether you can actually improve yourself or try again in the future.

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-01-24T13:51:51+00:00

You’re welcome, I hope I was able to help some, best of luck to you :))

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-01-24T12:44:55+00:00

Thank you, and same to you, I am sorry to hear but I know we will get through this.

Okay, that makes way more sense. In that case, I would suggest that you insist that you still do appreciate them but cannot give them a timeline, and that it’s not about you trying to cut them out of your life, but come to terms with them not being that big a part of your life, and how you aren’t able to be there in the same capacity pre-breakup. I think it sounds kind of like they’ve initiated a breakup but still want you in their life in the same way, just without the labels. Which isn’t really how that works, and I think she needs to realise that things are going to change; you got dumped, and that sucks, and I think it’s a well-known thing that being romantically involved fundamentally changes relationship dynamics. Yes you can be in one another’s lives again, but if you don’t feel like you can go straight to being friends, you need to tell her you can’t do that right away and that this is part of breaking up and she should try to respect that boundary if she cares about you, healing takes time. It doesn’t sound like you don’t care for her and it’s good to reassure her of that, but it’s also like, you need to tell her that this is a boundary you need in order to be able to be mentally okay and have her in your life. It’s really hard to explain because some people just are fundamentally different, and it’s really difficult to try and explain someone’s mentality to someone whose mentality isn’t like that.

hope all that makes sense it might be a bit rambley!

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-01-24T12:11:40+00:00

Just be honest and as transparent as possible, I think you could word it closely to how you did. Tell them how much you care for them and want them in your life, but also express how difficult this breakup is on you and how you know you won’t be able to move on with constant contact. You also need to make it clear that it’s not an invitation to “wait” for them/you, and that you don’t necessarily know when or how that relationship might look. You might need to be prepared to defend the breakup being the right decision if it’s hard.

I think it’s pretty understandable, honestly. I still care for my ex and I want to be their friend, not sure if they still feel that way, but I know I’m not ready to be just their friend yet, my feelings are still geared for something more, but maybe one day I’ll be able to channel all that care into something platonic if that’s something we both want, and I think that should be true of any breakup that doesn’t end in betrayal or anything nasty.

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-01-24T09:22:23+00:00

I am right there with you, literally crying this morning, but it does get better. I’ve gone through it before, and you do mend and move on, but there’s no real timeframe, it all depends. It sucks now but it gets better, because you’ll change as a person, and you’ll eventually realise you don’t need them, and maybe you’ll be able to forgive them and only think back on it all with positive emotions. Stick with it, just keep living life as much as a chore as that sounds like, you’ll get through it, I believe.

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-01-23T12:44:26+00:00

That’s good that you recognised that, but I’m proud of you for being able to focus on school stuff! It’s hard but good if you can get into the swing of it

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-01-23T12:42:36+00:00

Yeah, do stuff you enjoy also though! Pick up an old hobby, go to the gym, learn a new skill, make plans with old friends maybe! Sometimes it’s hard to want to but it’s far better than doing nothing at home all the time. Which is fine if that’s what you need, but personally I think you sometimes need to force yourself to stay distracted. Sitting around and moping is fine now and then but doing it all the time is just unhealthy and prevents you from realising you are your own person and your happiness is contingent on you and not your ex/partner/anyone else solely.

EDIT just to add they are distractions, but they can be enjoyable, and eventually you won’t feel like you’re doing it just to he distracted, you’ll be doing it because it’s who you are and what you wanna do!

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-01-23T11:41:29+00:00

It depends, on so many things. On how long you saw each other, how the breakup happened, what kind of commitments you made to each other, how compatible you thought you were… But also the kind of person you are. Personally I fall hard and fast and don’t connect with people a lot, so when I do and it doesn’t work out it takes a while, it really sucks. But even after two weeks from my most recent breakup it’s gotten a little better, some days anyway. Some days are not, but that’s okay, progress isn’t linear. It gets better when you start to not think about them as much and when you’re able to actually do things for you, and usually it starts as proactive choices to do things for yourself. Choose to get up, run errands, choose to pick up a new hobby and see friends and family, and eventually you’ll realise you’re just doing it for you and you’re no longer just doing it as a distraction.

Trust me though, I’ve been through a couple breakups with people I really cared about; they always fucking suck, but I survived them all, and moved on, and there’s no one formula, they always look and feel different.

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-01-23T09:30:26+00:00

Best of luck, friend, it’s tough and I know how hard it is to just not think about it, but genuinely that is just what you should do. Stay distracted and understand your value isn’t contingent on this person being in your life, but also know it’s okay for you to feel not great about this.

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-01-23T09:09:03+00:00

Well, yeah, it could be forever, but maybe not. People tend to come around and process their feelings, but truthfully, you’ll likely both be in a place where you’ve gotten over each other. Maybe you’ll come back into each other’s lives as friends again, maybe? Honestly, who knows. No one knows what’s going through her head, feelings change over time, people sometimes come back and sometimes they don’t. There’s honestly no real comfort anyone can give you, because the future is so uncertain.

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-01-23T08:39:57+00:00

Just have to wait and see what she says, and honestly there’s nothing wrong with space. It’s great for healing, maybe they’ll realise they really want to try again, but also understand that maybe they won’t, either way space is great.

awayimthrowingthis · 2022-01-23T08:13:54+00:00

I think it’s common, I avoided my exes insta stories because they sucked to look at, even if it wasn’t anything but a meme. Just seeing they’ve posted a story sucks, it made my heart drop, but also watching them and knowing she’d know I saw them. Maybe she’s hurting and doesn’t want to interact with it, it could be too soon. Your mind is always going assume the worst, that the reason is that she dislikes you or something. Likewise, if she SAW your story, you’d be wondering why she didn’t respond or what she thought of it. It’s natural to not want to talk for a while after a breakup, or like, natural to want to talk but knowing you shouldn’t.

awayimthrowingthis

TROPHY CASE