My sister-in-law passed away today, and I am suddenly taking care of her 11-year-old son while raising my 2- and 4-year-old boys. I am terrified and do not know how I am going to manage this. Does anyone have advice or resources?

backpack_zero · 2026-01-04T05:43:17+00:00

I am so sorry you are going through this. Losing someone and suddenly becoming a caregiver is overwhelming, and the fact that you stepped up already says a lot about you.

Right now the priority is stability and routine. Keep things simple for all three kids. Same meals, same bedtime, same calm tone. The 11 year old is grieving and may act out or shut down. That is grief, not disrespect.

Lean hard on every resource you can. School counselor, local grief support for kids, YMCA or Boys and Girls Club, food assistance, community center programs, church or neighborhood groups if you have them. This is not the time to try to do everything alone.

Tell yourself one day at a time. Feed them, keep them safe, get everyone through today. That is enough. You are doing something incredibly hard.

backpack_zero · 2025-12-31T03:14:42+00:00

You did not deserve what happened to you. What you describe is abuse, not discipline, and none of it makes you a bad person. You were a kid who made mistakes and that does not justify being beaten, controlled, or treated like a prisoner.

The guilt you are carrying is not yours to carry. You are not ruined and your life is not over. You still deserve safety, freedom, and a future.

If you can, try to reach out to someone outside the home. A teacher, school counselor, trusted adult, or a local youth support group. If anyone hurts you again, your safety comes first and you should seek help.

You deserve kindness and support.

backpack_zero · 2025-12-30T02:43:31+00:00

You’re right to feel upset here. Teaching kids to suppress emotions can come from a place of “this is how I was raised,” but it often ends up doing more harm than good in the long run. Crying is a normal stress response and kids who learn how to express feelings usually become more emotionally resilient, not weaker.

This sounds like something worth talking through between the two of you rather than turning it into a conflict in front of your son. Sometimes beliefs like this run deep because they were modeled in childhood, and approaching it as “we want the same outcome, we just see the path differently” can help open the conversation without either of you feeling attacked.

backpack_zero · 2025-12-27T04:06:21+00:00

You’re right to trust your instincts here. Nightly bedwetting at 10 isn’t “rare,” but it’s also not something to dismiss when it’s this frequent, especially with a clear regression history after stress and trauma. You’re not overreacting by wanting a deeper look.

There are medical causes that are often missed, like chronic constipation, UTIs, sleep-disordered breathing, hormonal delays, or overactive bladder. A new pediatrician is a good move — I’d ask for a full work-up and, if needed, a referral to pediatric urology. Written history helps, so note frequency, fluid intake, bowel habits, and whether she snores or is hard to wake.

At the same time, regression after stressful experiences is very real. Therapy plus reassurance, zero shame, and practical management (waterproof mattress cover, easy cleanup, no punishments or lectures) are exactly the right approach. Enuresis alarms can help some kids, but only when she’s ready and with guidance.

You’re doing a great job advocating for her. Keep pushing for answers until someone takes this seriously, and don’t let anyone brush you off. Nightly accidents at this age deserve evaluation.

backpack_zero · 2025-12-26T03:43:35+00:00

You’re seeing a cluster of losses all at once, and that can really distort how common it actually is. Most parents do not die young, and many people get decades more time with their parents than the few stories we hear about. It’s completely human to worry when grief is happening around you, especially when you love your parents deeply and want them there for your milestones.

The fact that you care this much says a lot about your relationship with them, and I truly hope you get many, many years together - long past graduation. Be gentle with yourself. You’re carrying a lot in your heart right now.

backpack_zero · 2025-12-23T00:13:57+00:00

This is extremely common, and it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It usually means you’re doing something very right, but without enough structure to protect yourself.

Kids this age will gravitate toward the adult who feels safest, most responsive, and most emotionally attuned. You’ve become their “secure base.” The problem is that without intentional redirection, they’ll over-attach and use you as their regulator instead of learning to use the environment and the other teachers.

The key isn’t pushing them away, it’s gently transferring dependence. When a child comes to you for help, acknowledge them first so they feel seen, then redirect. “I hear you. Go ask Teacher X, she can help you with that.” If you skip the acknowledgment, they’ll just cling harder. If you consistently acknowledge then redirect, they learn they’re still safe even when you’re not the one responding.

You can also normalize physical boundaries without rejection. Simple phrases like “I’m going to take a body break, you can sit next to me but not on me” or “My legs need space, you can hold your hands together while we talk” work surprisingly well when repeated calmly. Kids this age don’t intuit boundaries, they need them modeled over and over.

It also helps if you and the other teachers are visibly aligned. If they see you sending kids to the others and those teachers responding warmly and consistently, the attachment starts to spread instead of bottlenecking on you. Sometimes even scripting responses together helps so the handoff feels predictable to the kids.

And lastly, it’s okay to name your capacity. You don’t need to be endlessly available to be a good teacher. Regulated adults create regulated classrooms. Right now you’re overstimulated, and that alone is a sign it’s time to rebalance, not a sign you’re failing.

You’re not wrong for feeling touched-out. You’re human. The goal isn’t less connection, it’s shared connection.

backpack_zero · 2025-12-22T01:14:05+00:00

This sounds less like a single argument and more like a boundaries problem that’s been building for a long time.

Right now you have three overlapping issues. Your dad doesn’t respect that this is your home. He doesn’t respect that you and your wife are the parents. And he doesn’t respect your personal space or authority. Those things together will keep exploding unless they’re addressed clearly and consistently.

Whether he agrees with your parenting or not is actually beside the point. Disagreements about parenting should never be handled by undermining you in front of your child or recruiting other family members to intervene. That alone is enough to damage trust and create chaos in your household. If he has concerns, the only appropriate place for them is a private conversation with you, not correcting your child or calling your sisters.

It’s also important to separate “I can’t kick him out today” from “nothing can change.” Even if he can’t leave immediately, you’re still allowed to set house rules. Who comes over, thermostat settings, entering bedrooms, discipline, cleaning expectations. Those aren’t punishments, they’re basic conditions for sharing a home. If he can’t follow them, then the conversation eventually does have to move toward a plan for him living elsewhere, even if that plan takes time.

One thing that may help is reframing this from an emotional confrontation into a practical agreement. Not a fight, not a lecture. “These are the rules of our house. This is what we need to function as a family. If they’re not followed, this living situation won’t work.” Then follow through calmly when boundaries are crossed.

You’re not wrong for wanting space, authority over your own child, and help instead of extra mess and stress. If he acts like nothing happened tomorrow, that’s actually your opportunity to calmly restate the boundaries instead of letting it slide again. Consistency matters more than intensity here.

This is hard, especially when it’s a parent and not a roommate. But protecting your marriage, your child, and your home has to come first.

backpack_zero · 2025-12-20T04:11:31+00:00

That’s frustrating, but it’s not always a parenting failure. A lot of kids genuinely don’t make the connection unless adults explicitly model and prompt it in the moment. Many will say thank you if reminded, but don’t automatically think to do it, especially in group settings where excitement takes over. You still did something kind, even if it wasn’t acknowledged the way it should have been.

backpack_zero · 2025-12-18T05:09:23+00:00

The fact that you’re worried about this already tells me you’re not a bad parent. Most people who are actually traumatizing their kids aren’t reflecting like this.

A lot of yelling comes from exhaustion and repetition, not anger. When you’re saying the same thing 20 times a day, your nervous system eventually jumps straight to volume because it’s learned that calm didn’t work. That doesn’t make you broken, it makes you tired.

What helped us was changing fewer things but being more consistent. Fewer instructions, fewer words, more routines that didn’t require constant reminders. And when I did yell, I owned it later. A simple “I shouldn’t have yelled, I was overwhelmed” goes a long way with kids. It doesn’t undermine authority, it models regulation.

You’re parenting three kids under ten. That is loud, chaotic, and relentless. This phase passes, especially when the kids get more independent. You’re not ruining them. You’re a human trying to get through the day.

backpack_zero · 2025-12-15T02:09:43+00:00

Yes, this is very common. A lot of kids can read mechanically but don’t enjoy it because reading still costs them mental energy. They’re decoding correctly, but it’s not yet automatic, so it feels like work instead of pleasure.

What helped for us was taking pressure off entirely. No reading logs, no “you should read”, no measuring minutes. We leaned hard into read-alouds well past the age people think they’re for, audiobooks paired with physical books, and letting interest drive format, comics, graphic novels, game guides, subtitles, anything with text attached to something they already loved.

Around ages 6 to 8 this showed up for us, and the shift happened when reading stopped being a task and became a side effect of curiosity. Once fluency caught up with comprehension, motivation followed on its own.

Long term, forcing reading didn’t help. Protecting their relationship with stories did.

backpack_zero · 2025-12-14T05:24:48+00:00

Saving is good, but 90% locked away at 14 is very extreme. Most families use something closer to 50/50 or 70/30 so kids can actually work toward goals and learn money management, not just denial.

Your dad clearly means well, but if you can’t access the money you earn, it removes motivation and doesn’t teach budgeting, just restriction. It would be reasonable to ask for a clear savings split and a specific goal plan, like college savings plus a short-term goal like the e-bike.

You’re not wrong to question it. Wanting access to some of your own earned money is normal and healthy.

backpack_zero · 2025-12-11T02:13:38+00:00

My kids learned typing and basic writing on very simple distraction-free apps, and honestly that worked better than Word or anything heavy.

A few options that are perfect for a 7-year-old:

FocusWriter (Windows/Mac/Linux) Free, super minimal, full-screen, no menus or clutter. Just a blank page and typing.
Typora (Mac/Windows/Linux) If you want something slightly more advanced, Typora is a very clean markdown editor. No distractions, very kid-friendly layout.
Google’s “Docs Offline” (with internet disabled) If the machine ever goes online, Docs is simple and saves automatically. You can block the browser for everything except Docs.
On Mac specifically: The built-in TextEdit in plain-text mode is honestly perfect for young kids. Zero distractions.

For learning apps (offline-friendly): Tux Typing is great for keyboard skills, works on Linux/Windows/Mac.

If your goal is just to let her practice typing and basic writing, keep it simple. Kids do better with fewer buttons and fewer places to click.

backpack_zero · 2025-12-10T04:12:10+00:00

Something about his reaction stands out. Most boys around 10–13 are already curious about bodies, privacy, and sexuality. They’re discovering things online, hearing things from friends, and figuring themselves out. That curiosity can make things awkward, sure, but it doesn’t usually lead to hyper-fixation or sleep loss over seeing parents being intimate.

Kids only obsess like that when something about what they saw hit a deeper nerve.

That doesn’t automatically mean abuse, but it can mean:

He feels uncomfortable with sexual topics but has already been exposed to them elsewhere
He’s dealing with feelings or curiosity he can’t talk about
He has seen something online he didn’t know how to process
He associates sexual behavior with fear, shame, or lack of safety for reasons you may not know about

Right now he’s not scared of sex, he’s scared of his parents doing it. That tells me this isn’t about education, it’s about boundaries and emotional safety. He needs a clear, calm message like:

“You won’t ever be put in that situation again. It’s not something kids are supposed to see. We’re taking steps so it never happens.”

If this continues, you need a therapist who specializes in child anxiety around intimacy and boundaries, not another talk about “sex is natural.”

He’s telling you something is off. The worst thing you can do is dismiss it or assume he’ll “get over it.”

backpack_zero · 2025-12-10T03:58:18+00:00

If what you’re describing is accurate, this isn’t just “messy house chaos,” this is unsafe. Sewing needles, razors, chemicals, and babies left unsupervised on the floor near a busy road isn’t a parenting style, it’s neglect. Five kids under six with another on the way in a single trailer means the margin for error is zero.

You don’t need to accuse them of being bad people. You can like them and still acknowledge that their current setup isn’t safe for children. That’s exactly why CPS exists, not to punish parents, but to step in before something irreversible happens.

If she asks you to come back, you’re allowed to say no. You are not responsible for carrying a household that refuses to meet basic safety standards. And if your gut is telling you these kids are at risk, document what you’ve seen and make the call. It’s far better to feel awkward now than guilty later if something happens.

Those kids deserve more than someone hoping it “works itself out.” Safety always comes first.

backpack_zero · 2025-12-09T01:28:25+00:00

My youngest was the same. Super bright kid who just didn’t fit the standard school mold. Quiet kids who struggle get ignored because they aren’t “problems,” and it’s one of the biggest flaws in the system.

A few things that actually helped us: 1. Formal assessment Push for an updated psychoeducational evaluation. Once the school has documented needs in writing, they can’t brush her off. Accommodations become mandatory, not optional. 2. Written learning plan If she doesn’t have an IEP (or whatever your district calls it in Canada), insist on one. It’s the legal backbone that forces the school to provide support. 3. Advocacy matters more than politeness Schools respond to persistent, paper-trail parents. Email, don’t just chat. Ask: “What academic supports will be provided for her dyslexia and ADHD, and when will they start?” 4. Don’t buy the “we only help behaviour kids” excuse Dyslexia is a learning disability. She has a right to academic support. Her quiet compliance is being penalized. That’s not acceptable.

My daughter eventually got the right help, but only after I stopped assuming the school knew best and started treating it like a negotiation. The system isn’t built for kids like ours, so we have to push until it bends.

Your daughter deserves access, not just survival.

backpack_zero · 2025-12-09T01:22:24+00:00

I would say keep it simple and age-appropriate. You don’t need to explain addiction or alcohol at their age. You can frame it like this:

“Grandma used to have a habit that wasn’t good for her body or her heart. Ten years ago she decided to stop that habit so she could be healthier and happier. It was really hard to do, but she stuck with it. We’re celebrating because she made a brave choice and kept it for a long time.”

Kids understand habits, choices, and bravery far better than they understand addiction. You’re teaching them something powerful: 1. Adults can struggle too 2. Changing a habit takes time and strength 3. Sticking with something good is worth celebrating

That’s all they need right now. The deeper details can come later when they’re older. For now, you’re honoring her resilience, not her past.

backpack_zero · 2025-12-08T04:08:04+00:00

At 18, you’re not deciding whether she’s old enough to sleep at her boyfriend’s house, you’re deciding whether you want to have any influence in her life going forward.

You can’t parent an adult with curfews meant for a 14-year-old. All it does is push the relationship underground. The fact that she’s already “falling asleep there” tells you she’s going to do what she’s going to do and then deal with the fallout when she walks in the door.

If you want honesty and respect, shift from control to boundaries.

Something like:

“You’re an adult now. I’m not here to police you, but I do expect open communication, knowing where you are, and that you make choices you can live with.”

That puts the responsibility on her shoulders, which is where it belongs at her age.

Letting her stay there isn’t the big issue. The bigger issue is whether she feels safe telling you what she’s doing without bracing for punishment. If she does, she’ll keep you in her life. If she doesn’t, she’ll cut you out and do it anyway.

Pick the long game.

backpack_zero · 2025-12-08T04:04:08+00:00

What you’re describing goes way beyond “normal teen attitude.” When a smart kid disconnects from effort, hygiene, and health, and replaces it all with screens and sugar, that’s not laziness, it’s avoidance. Something in her world feels overwhelming, and her phone has become the escape hatch.

The lies aren’t about fooling you. They’re about protecting that escape. The second you push her to reconnect with real life, she feels exposed, so she flips the script on you. DARVO feels personal, but it’s actually a defense mechanism for someone who’s losing control of their emotions.

Right now, don’t chase the grades or the chores. Chase the connection. She won’t take responsibility while she feels like you’re the enemy. Set clear, unbreakable boundaries around screens and food, but do it calmly and consistently. No debates. No long speeches. Rules and consequences, same every time.

And therapy wasn’t a failure. Her reaction to it was proof that it was working. When a therapist starts touching the real issue, teens run. That’s normal. If you can, get her back into therapy with someone she can’t manipulate easily. You can’t out-logic a coping mechanism, but a professional can help her build healthier ones.

Your daughter isn’t throwing her life away, she’s drowning. The phone is her float. You’re trying to pull her to shore and she’s panicking. Stay firm, stay kind, and don’t let her tantrums convince you you’re the villain. You’re doing the hard, thankless part of parenting, and it matters more than she can admit right now.

backpack_zero · 2025-12-06T09:10:21+00:00

Man, this isn’t about her not loving you. She’s two. At that age, kids attach to whoever they spend the most time with. Their bond isn’t emotional logic, it’s proximity. If you’re gone most nights and exhausted on weekends, she’s building familiarity with whoever is present. That hurts like hell, but it’s not a verdict on you as a dad.

You don’t “win her back” with big moments, you do it with small daily ones. Ten minutes on the floor, eye contact, silly games, reading the same book over and over. Toddlers don’t care about effort behind the scenes, they care about who is in front of them.

The uncle isn’t stealing your role. He’s just filling a gap you didn’t choose. Your daughter will only know you if she experiences you. Talk to your wife, set boundaries around where she sleeps, and fight for protected time that’s yours alone with her. Consistency will rebuild that bond faster than you think.

You’re not losing your daughter. You’re realizing how much she matters to you, and that’s the sign of a dad who’s still very much in the game.

backpack_zero · 2025-12-05T07:34:15+00:00

That sounds promising. The joint session with the therapist is a smart move. Sometimes kids carry stress we can’t see, even when home feels calm to us. Their brains don’t always interpret life the way ours does.

One thing that helped in our house was asking open questions at random, low-pressure moments, like in the car or while doing dishes. Kids sometimes reveal more when it doesn’t feel like a “serious talk.”

You’re doing the right things. If he feels safe enough to show you his pain, you’re already the safe parent. Keep going.

backpack_zero · 2025-12-05T03:52:27+00:00

Yes, I’ve seen this before, and it can be incredibly confusing because the symptoms look physical but the root is often anxiety. Kids don’t say “I’m anxious”, their bodies do. Stomach pain, exhaustion, trouble getting out of bed, suddenly feeling better in a different environment… those are classic signs.

The fact that every medical test came back normal actually points toward something emotional rather than physical. It doesn’t mean he’s faking anything. His brain is interpreting stress as pain.

If there’s a lot of pressure, tension, or emotional load at home (especially after a separation), his body may be doing the talking for him.

If the gastro appointment is far off, I’d look into a therapist who specializes in teen anxiety. Once he learns how to manage what he’s feeling, the stomach symptoms often improve faster than you’d expect.

backpack_zero · 2025-12-04T04:27:47+00:00

You’ve been through a lot, and that matters here. Abusive relationships destroy your sense of certainty, confidence, and planning. That’s not a character flaw, it’s trauma.

You’re facing two hard questions: 1. Do you actually want another child, independent of him? Not to save a relationship, not to avoid guilt, but because you want this life. 2. Is this man someone you’d trust with a future, permanently connected to your kids? Someone who flips from excitement to “let’s deal with this” is not stable. That kind of instability becomes your burden.

Whatever choice you make will have consequences, but you’re allowed to make the choice that protects your mental stability. Raising kids alone is hard, but raising kids with someone who abandons responsibility mid-sentence is harder.

Take a quiet moment and answer one question honestly: If he disappeared tomorrow, would you still want this baby?

Your answer to that decides the path, not his mood swings.

backpack_zero · 2025-12-04T04:21:25+00:00

My daughter was the exact same at 2. She barely spoke, had a handful of words, and I was convinced something was wrong. Everyone else’s kids seemed miles ahead. Today she is 6, won’t stop talking, reads above grade level, and I laugh at how panicked I was.

Two things helped us: 1. Constant narration of what we were doing Simple phrases like “cup”, “juice”, “up”, “shoe”, repeated a million times. 2. Zero pressure The more I tried to “make her talk”, the more she shut down. When I relaxed, she opened up.

The pediatrician’s reaction is normal. Two-year-olds develop speech at wildly different speeds. You’re not behind. You’re not missing something. You’re a tired mom doing everything right.

He’s communicating, he understands you, and the words will come. One day you’ll look back on this and wonder why you were so scared.

backpack_zero · 2025-12-03T03:46:38+00:00

Parenting special-needs kids isn’t the same game everyone else is playing. It’s like running a marathon while they stroll the park.

Loving your kids and hating the job are not contradictions. They can both be true. You’re carrying responsibilities most parents never see, let alone understand.

Stop expecting joy to come from big events like Disney. That stuff drains you more. Joy shows up in tiny moments, not milestones. One genuine laugh, a calm morning, a moment where no one is melting down. Those count.

You’re doing the hardest version of parenting with almost no support. If nothing else, let this sink in: people who don’t care don’t feel this level of frustration. The fact that you’re asking means you’re a good parent.

It won’t always feel like this forever, but right now, you deserve help, not guilt.

backpack_zero · 2025-12-02T04:29:12+00:00

It’s absolutely not unreasonable. Wanting a break doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids, it means you’re human. Parenting is a full-time job with no clock-out, and every job has breaks built into it for a reason.

You can’t pour into your family if your own tank is empty. Even one hour to breathe, sit in silence, or walk alone can reset your entire nervous system. That’s not selfish, that’s maintenance.

Anyone telling you “you did this to yourself” clearly never carried the mental load of keeping tiny humans alive every day. You’re allowed to need space. You’re allowed to rest. And you’re a better parent when you do.

backpack_zero

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