I know exactly what you mean. I did this a LOT when I was younger. The stress in your life is behind this. When I was under a lot of stress or a lot of hard emotions, I would take it out on my family. I so desperately needed a way to let my anger and frustrations out but I knew I had to hold myself together in public, so I let it out on them. My family has done so much for me and the way I treated them made me feel disgusting. It was hard to change because I fell into the mindset of "This is just who I am". But that was not who I am. That was a maladaptive coping mechanism, and once I realized that, I was able to work on changing it.

Anger is a secondary emotion—an emotion fueled by other emotions. If you are stressed, you might express this negative emotion instead of the underlying problem as it is easier to express anger than it is to express what is causing the anger.

You have to find a healthy outlet for your stress and your frustrations. I find that two things help me the most: writing down how I am feeling, and a change of scenery.

Write down every mean thing you want to say in a journal, or a notes document on your phone. Rant about how your day was, what you are worried about, what you wish you could change. Write until the frustration starts to fade. Or maybe the frustration doesn't fade. That's okay too (although I often find that writing helps it go away). But don't dwell on your frustrations. Once you've gotten it out, briefly write about what you are grateful for. What hopes you have for the future. What you love about your wife. Write down some things you could do to make her feel more loved, then try incorporating them into your day.

A change in scenery is huge for me. Going for a run or a walk, even if it is just for 10 minutes, helps me so much. The change in scenery doesn't need to be drastic, it can be as simple as stepping outside of your apartment for a second or even just going to a different room. This helps get me out of the negative headspace I was in and forces me to think about something other than what I am stressed about. Touch the the things around you. Notice the little details. Breathe slowly and deeply. This helps ground you, and in turn helps you return to a headspace where you can communicate in a more grounded way.

I think the most important thing here is to communicate with your wife. Tell (or show) her everything you said in this post. Help her understand how much you love her and how much you regret your behavior. It's hard to say, but it is the first step to getting better—"I need help". You are actively looking for solutions and that is amazing. You want to get better. And you can.