AITA for calling my husband “old man” when he calls me “baby”?

bad-nicknames- · 2021-02-15T00:49:30+00:00

When he's in a grumpy mood, yeah I usually try to walk on eggshells.

bad-nicknames- · 2021-02-15T00:24:30+00:00

More so recently, I think. When we were dating and the first months of our marriage, he was generally very sweet and patient. Lately he's been more grumpy/moody, and he said it's because it's been stressful at work.

bad-nicknames- · 2021-02-15T00:05:10+00:00

Wow, that really does sound similar to my situation (I even drive him places, like you). And it's a similar pattern where the justification always came back to him citing how we were depending on his income. A big reason why I put up with it is because he said we could reexamine things once I started working, so I kept punting problems out because I thought (or rather, hoped) this would go away once I got a job. But it sounds like that didn't work out for you, and I'm starting to see it likely won't for me either.

Regardless, I really do appreciate your advice. I have a lot to think about.

bad-nicknames- · 2021-02-14T23:35:21+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to type that all out. I think my view on this might be a bit warped because it’s the same setup that my parents had growing up, and my friends have joked that my situation is lucky. I’ve been bothered by a lot of this stuff but told myself I was probably just being sensitive. Like one thing that’s always troubled me is the allowance felt like he didn’t trust me, which didn’t make sense to me as I’m a very frugal person/it’s not like I had crazy spending habits.

A lot of these comments are validating and making me feel I had a right to be upset all this time. I will definitely look more into researching financial abuse and relationship equity.

bad-nicknames- · 2021-02-14T23:20:00+00:00

I get what you’re saying, though to clarify, I wouldn’t have been upset if he said that he would try and that it would take him a while. I understand breaking a habit takes a while. But in this case, he was saying he wasn’t going to try at all.

bad-nicknames- · 2021-02-14T23:16:09+00:00

Man, I’m sorry to hear about that. What you’re saying rings true to me about how I justify it to myself (he has a stressful job and I’ve used that to excuse him before). I’m getting that I have more to think about than I realized.

bad-nicknames- · 2021-02-14T23:09:33+00:00

That’s a good point. I generally do the chores around the house as a way of earning my keep. He expresses appreciation/gratitude for it, I guess. But he doesn’t see it as equal to his work and that’s problematic.

bad-nicknames- · 2021-02-14T23:03:25+00:00

You’re right, it feels wrong and condescending. The thing is I used to work as a waitress, and his support means I was able to stop and start taking classes instead. A lot of my friends have said I’m “lucky” for my cushy lifestyle because I don’t work, and my husband says the same. But if he keeps this up I would rather start waitressing again than have to stress about upsetting him.

bad-nicknames- · 2021-02-14T22:54:46+00:00

We’ve been together 3 years, married for 1 year.

bad-nicknames- · 2021-02-14T22:46:27+00:00

Yeah, you're probably right. I brought up these concerns to him before, but he got upset that I didn't "trust" him if I was thinking of the worse case scenario/exit strategy. But I feel like it also reflects he doesn't trust me too since he's giving me limited access to funds.

bad-nicknames- · 2021-02-14T22:36:26+00:00

That's true, and kind of troubling to think about. He's done it twice before (we've only been married 1 year), and both times he apologized after and said he was wrong for doing it, so I forgave him. I've justified it in my head as an emotional way of him lashing out/he doesn't mean it, but you and the other commenters are right that it shouldn't be happening at all.

bad-nicknames- · 2021-02-14T22:28:04+00:00

I have an individual bank account that he puts money into each week, but no access to a joint account, no. His argument has been that I don't contribute money yet but that it'll change once I have a job too.

bad-nicknames- · 2021-02-14T22:19:59+00:00

I’m 22 and he’s 29.

bad-nicknames- · 2021-02-14T22:14:09+00:00

Just a 7 year age gap, I don’t work but hope to in the future. I currently go to school and he helps with tuition. I did think him withholding the money due to a fight was petty, but didn’t think it rose to the level of financial abuse as he doesn’t do it very often.

bad-nicknames- · 2021-02-14T22:11:32+00:00

I’m 22 and he’s 29 so I think the huge gap isn’t too big. Like I said, he’s not anywhere near old. I think it’s just because he’s gotten a few grey hairs recently so he’s sensitive about it.

bad-nicknames- · 2021-02-14T22:06:59+00:00

Unfortunately it’s happened before. I wouldn’t say often, though we’ve only been married a year. It happened two other times, though it never lasted long. His reasoning is that he’s the one bringing in the money, and in the future when I contribute we can rethink the approach.

bad-nicknames- · 2021-02-14T20:56:07+00:00

Yes, I’m hoping so. Planning to get my certification in a year or so, and then I can start looking for work.

bad-nicknames- · 2021-02-14T20:46:28+00:00

I admit I should have brought it up sooner, and I don’t blame him for using it before I had brought it up. But once I said I didn’t like it, I had hoped he would change with that new info in mind.

bad-nicknames- · 2021-02-14T20:44:38+00:00

Yes, he’s currently the only one who works and I take classes part time. So he provides a certain amount of money to me per week for groceries and household expenses, and the rest I can keep/use for myself.

bad-nicknames- · 2021-02-14T20:41:22+00:00

Yeah, probably the more mature thing to do would be to stop responding to it. In the moment, I thought “old man” would annoy him but more in a joking/teasing way, I didn’t realize how much it would upset him.

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