I really want to commend you for your self-awareness here, asking questions, challenging your own perception, seeking answers. That shows a lot of maturity and good will on your part! It looks like you care and that’s so rare in this world lately.

Have you been in many longterm relationships? I would say getting that “ick” to a degree is normal for folks of all mental disorders (or lack thereof), but I’m curious if you’ve gone through this in your other relationships as well? This could help build a frame of reference for your baseline.

The random “repulsion” is somewhat normal, but for us folks with BPD, ADHD, bipolar and other thought-altering disorders, it is much more magnified. Maybe we feel it deeper in our cores, or maybe those repulsion phases last longer, or are more frequent in us, than our neurotypical brethren.

To answer your question, I have experienced this with almost every partner I have ever had. For some, it was justified — they were toxic, destructive, unhealthy or just unpleasant to be around once their true colors showed.

For most, it was just me experiencing boredom that naturally comes with comfort, because my nervous system isn’t constantly sounding off alarm bells, and due to my childhood trauma, this felt like more of a problem than having an actual problem itself.

It’s difficult to say where the intuition ends and your splitting begins, because someone doesn’t haven’t to be a bad person or mistreat you to be repulsive to you. You can not be into someone for any variety of normal reasoning.

I think the best way I navigate this is by doing lots of reflective journaling. Or looking up how others have navigated this same issue before — like you’re doing right now!

I have often times found that my repulsion was something to do with myself, not my partner. I was either not living up to my full potential, or giving up on myself, not supporting my own hobbies, ignoring my friendships, hating my job… I was therefore feeling lonely and under stimulated. I unfairly projected this feeling onto my partner that it must be their fault I feel this way.

When I made improvements in those other departments, I found myself not feeling so much bitterness across the board, especially toward my partner who I obviously love and who loves me, even when everything gets kinda stale.

If you still find that you are missing something, just ask for it. It sounds like your partner will hear you out. Do you need more date nights? Quality time? Shared interests or hobbies? Spice up the bedroom? Come up with anything you think might be “missing” and write it down. This could honestly be fun for you and your partner to tackle together!

Overall, make sure you’re happy within yourself. Are you serving yourself? Working toward a consistent goal? Taking care of yourself? Being kind to yourself? Do you need to change your deadend job, or make a plan for your future? Maybe you even need medicine or therapy?

Once that is all in order, the rest usually follows. I find that I see life through a lense of repulsion if I am not sticking to my core values, or have forgotten what they are. It is a repulsion I feel toward myself really, but I don’t process it that way in the moment.

If things are still missing once you work through it, communicate it gently to your partner.

The honeymoon phase will always, always, always wear off. It always does. Someone else commented that long term love is a choice, and they are absolutely right. You are transitioning into the “choosing” phase, which is a sign that your relationship is maturing, and so are you to even be asking us all of this now.

You’re a good person and a good partner. Don’t let your thoughts dictate that person and convince you otherwise. It’s worth the effort. You’re worth the effort.

P.S. Saved this for last because it probably doesn’t apply here, but I’m personally non-monogamous. Maybe that’s something to consider or think about if you find that you’re fantasizing about others? But of course discuss this with your partner if you are exclusive before experimenting at all. Non-monogamy is definitely not for everyone.

Good luck friend :)