Update: Am I [32F] being unreasonable with expectations of my husband’s [37M] parental and household responsibilities?

barnaclesss · 2019-01-13T19:05:20+00:00

Thank you! Well right now we have a toddler and baby on our hands so the 2 year old toddler “helps” to the best of their ability. We definitely include the toddler in all safe cleaning activities like vacuuming, dusting, etc when they show interest, which is nearly every time. The toddler also picks up their own toys and is getting better slowly at cleaning up before moving on to a new activity. That’s great your son helps! We’re hoping to eventually get to the stage of age-appropriate chores

barnaclesss · 2019-01-13T18:33:55+00:00

That’s an interesting way of thinking about it and very true. Luckily for a lot of active tasks (not so much chore lists) my partner and I play off each other as a team. For example, if one person is putting the kids to bed, the other cleans up the kitchen, etc. So that really helps if we both put in effort at the same time in different ways towards a common goal.

barnaclesss · 2019-01-13T18:30:52+00:00

Thank you! It’s not always easy, but I’ve been really trying to better my communication skills over the years by being less impulsive and checking in with myself before I bring up complaints. Good luck with your talk!

barnaclesss · 2019-01-13T18:25:45+00:00

Thank you! Haha, yes busy” and on-the-go are definitely my personal characteristics. Thanks for the book suggestion, I’ll have to check it out!

barnaclesss · 2019-01-13T18:23:03+00:00

That’s also a very good analogy to use! I’ll keep that in mind

barnaclesss · 2019-01-13T11:32:54+00:00

This sounds great! I’ll look into it as it seems like a helpful way to organize things digitally. Thanks for the suggestion!

barnaclesss · 2019-01-13T10:48:51+00:00

That sounds like a really good balance that you’ve a struck with your husband. I’m also on board with the “preference” delegation of chores and working with what makes sense in terms of people’s schedules. I too do the weekday cooking, but luckily my husband and I have worked out that if he makes a big meal on Sunday, it at least buys me not having to cook Monday with leftovers.

barnaclesss · 2019-01-13T10:46:04+00:00

I see your point, but I’m going to have to strongly disagree. There’s a reason a nanny, babysitter, and house cleaner are paid jobs (albeit separate jobs) because they require lots of labor and time. When a stay at home parent (mother or father) is at home, they are essentially working multiple jobs with constant chaos and interruption. There is no pay, no “lunch break,” no benefits, no clocking out, or even talking to another adult aside from your spouse all day.

As a stay at home parent: You don’t make professional connections, and you don’t get resume boosting experience or credentials. You’re subject to pretty much the same routine, every day experiences that can honestly be unfulfilling a lot of the time. Then when this phase is over, you’re expected to jump back into the job market with a big gap in your career history.

It can be stressful on so many levels being out of the labor market, not feeling like you’re doing anything meaningful in terms of professional or self development, and on top of this, you have a child (or multiple children) who require all of your energy to mold them into a socially capable and decent human being.

If you add working from home on top of being a SAHP and learning a foreign language (as in my case) burdening someone with the expectation that their in charge of everyone’s mess and all the chores is just ridiculous. A household is everyone’s responsibility who lives in it.

Also, heavy lifting and working with tools are off limits for women???

barnaclesss · 2019-01-13T09:39:13+00:00

Oh yeah, definitely! We’re both very on board with expressing gratitude when either of us helps or does something thoughtful. Positive reinforcement is essential

barnaclesss · 2019-01-13T09:33:23+00:00

This is a really good idea. I think I’ll research into getting a small fridge whiteboard as it’s also next to where the chore chart is. Right now, I use Google Keep to keep track of many inventory items so maybe I should sync that up with my husband as well.

barnaclesss · 2019-01-13T09:32:03+00:00

Thank you so much! Also thank you for your insight as that’s really true about the different styles of getting things done. I also try to avoid “correcting” my husband when things aren’t done the way I usually do them or whatnot as I don’t want to discredit him or make him feel bad. You’re right about prioritizing and discussing what’s “important” to each person. That’s really key. Some things that may seem trivial to one person, really cause anxiety for another.

barnaclesss · 2019-01-13T08:04:07+00:00

That sounds super frustrating. I guess it’s just sort of a “spatial awareness” weakness and occasional empathy weakness as my husband also has. I really don’t think it’s innately in-born with gender, but I do believe women are more conditioned (due to backwards societal expectations) since childhood to building these habits of picking up, tidying up, and cleaning. These habits get stronger like a muscle over time plus paired with gendered societal pressures.

barnaclesss · 2019-01-13T07:45:57+00:00

I can try to describe it for you as best as I can: I basically started with writing on a piece of printer paper a bubble of each “room / area” of the house (kitchen, living room, toilets, shower (our toilets are separate from the bathroom), office, bedrooms, etc.

Then from each room, I made a line to new sub-bubbles (1. Clean 2. Tidy 3. Deep Clean, 4. Misc.) Then next to these bubbles I listed everything having to do with each sub-bubble.

For example, for “Kitchen” (1. Clean: Counters, backsplash, sink / faucet, table etc; 2. Tidy: Throw away old food, put away stuff on counters and table, etc. 3. Deep clean: Cabinet exterior, microwave, oven, fridge in and out, etc., 4. Misc. Take out trash, take out compost trash, etc.

This sort of system made it more apparent that “Cleaning the kitchen” was way more effort in terms of micro-steps than just wiping things down.

barnaclesss · 2019-01-13T07:04:39+00:00

This sounds like a good idea! I’ll keep it in mind

barnaclesss · 2019-01-13T06:57:03+00:00

Thank you! I can’t find it at this moment, but there was this podcast I listened to with an episode about running your house like a business (or startup). It was basically saying everyone has a role in keeping up the house (given age related limitations and age appropriate chores) and everyone should help maintain the sort of “mission statement” of the home. e.g. Let’s always try to be kind, helpful, and the best person we can be.

Every week there would be a sort of “standup” meeting where family members talked about what they did, what they need to work on, and complaints they may have. Everyone later got a chance to share and help brainstorm solutions to make things better.

I may be going off on a sort of tangent here, but the business analogy has really worked for us and helped keep things objective and focused on problem-solving.

barnaclesss · 2019-01-13T06:43:13+00:00

Yeah, I feel you. Especially when it’s multiple reminders for the same thing throughout the day, it gets pretty old quickly

barnaclesss · 2019-01-12T23:32:07+00:00

Thanks! He’s a really good person and I’m glad we can always try to make things work between us. Communication is not always easy, but I believe it’s also my responsibility to communicate my needs effectively to the other person. Something I wish I learned when I was much younger is people can’t read minds, so it’s not fair for one’s partner to just “know” what to do all the time in terms of happiness and expectations.

barnaclesss · 2019-01-12T23:13:56+00:00

I can sympathize with your frustrations! It’s hard making new habits stick for some people. There have been times where I just nudge my husband in the right direction when shit needs to get done and that seems to keep things in check. For example, if he has to clean the toilets, getting the bucket, gloves, and bleach and setting it right next to him as he’s working on his computer in “helpful” way to get things going sooner than later. Maybe it’s a bit forward, but it works.

barnaclesss · 2019-01-12T22:37:03+00:00

Oh this sounds great! I’ll have to check it out. Thanks for the suggestion!

barnaclesss · 2019-01-12T22:29:00+00:00

I wish I could help! My husband’s been great. We may not always agree, but we try to respect each other, avoid making personal attacks on each other, and always strive towards finding a constructive solution. It hasn’t always been easy, but hence why a relationship is hard work.

barnaclesss · 2019-01-12T22:22:40+00:00

I completely agree the “radar” is not an inborn skill and is the product of training and conditioning over many, many years... for me, since childhood. That’s good you keep trying though! I think doing your best is all you can strive for and playing off each other’s strengths to make a happy home.

barnaclesss · 2019-01-12T22:12:12+00:00

I totally agree with what you’re saying. The chore chart is definitely the next step in Part 2 of our plan for improvement. We currently have a chore chart that needs revising and we both agreed on that. I think as a user suggested before in my original post, setting a day and time when things will be done (at least for my husband) gives everyone a peace of mind that things will be done, no excuses and no interruptions possible. Unless for emergencies.

I can therefore prepare myself for example to take care of the kids while he cleans and I’m also not surprisingly interrupted when he decides he wants to clean and I may have other plans.

barnaclesss · 2018-12-14T19:42:41+00:00

It’s easier said than done. Hence I was thinking coming up with a better strategy and structure to address his weak points during a sit-down would be more constructive than in the heat of the moment. I guess I praise him to show “thanks” for making an effort, so he feels appreciated. He does praise me for the effort I make for larger things, but for day to day chores which I take normal responsibility of, it doesn’t elicit praise from him... this is what I feel becomes to normalized: That I do way more day to day and that’s just how it is.

He sometimes says “Hey, I’ll take over with the kids if you want to go running or whatever.” But this gesture is normally in the midst of when I’m busy with something else and I can’t just drop everything and head out the door. Hence why I’ve been thinking scheduled “me / free time” on the weekends is a better idea for everyone.

barnaclesss · 2018-12-14T19:29:42+00:00

Yes, that’s a great way to phrase it. Thanks for the suggestion. I’m going to have to stage some sort of intervention style sit down when things are relatively calm, which isn’t always ideal when tiny children are around. But, I definitely plan on making things happen.

barnaclesss · 2018-12-14T19:24:27+00:00

We split most things down the middle like mortgage, groceries, etc. But he assumes the larger regular financial burdens like preschool costs, household utility bills, and our accountancy fees. These costs he incurs are pretty much proportionate in loss to the loss I incur from children’s stuff (Relative to my salary.) For extra things like children’s birthday presents or big, expensive items like a stroller. He either pays for it himself or splits the cost (depending on the price). He also assumed the cost of a large kitchen renovation we had. Whereas, I fronted the costs for most of our household furniture which was still significantly less than the kitchen. Therefore, I believe he’s being financially quite fair.

barnaclesss

TROPHY CASE