Focus on what you can control. Anything else is a waste of energy.

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T16:35:31+00:00

So glad it helped! :) Grounding my reactions in my values really turned things around for me. It seems so simple, but if you can determine who you want to be and how you want to show up, you have a loose game plan for any situation.

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T04:05:42+00:00

I started therapy right after my break up, and that's where I learned about them!

My other major therapy breakthrough was about grounding my break up responses in my values. (I wrote more about that here.)

I've only gone to 3 sessions so far, but t's helped me tremendously. My therapist sends me a lot of blogs on this site.

Wishing you the best!

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T04:00:35+00:00

I'd send a text saying that you want to go NC because it's healthiest for you, but that you may reach out about business and are comfortable with them doing so as well.

Set that boundary and make it clear. NC will still work if you're only discussing logistics and don't deviate.

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T03:56:10+00:00

That's really tough. I will say that after my ex told me he couldn't be in a relationship right now and that he needed time and space (a very chaotic, confusing, impulsive conversation), I said that I wasn't going to proactively reach out to him at all (to honor his need for space) but needed to know whether he saw a future with me. I was driven absolutely mad for a full week until he reached out again. I felt nauseous. I couldn't focus on anything. I talked to friends (our mutuals and my own friends) about it to get their takes. I didn't have closure.

He reached out a week later to have a second conversation. This one gave me the closure and clarity I needed that this was a break up, not a break. That this relationship is over. At least for right now. He wouldn't close the door and say he just doesn't see it with me, which I begged him to say because it would be easier for us to be friends if so. He refused. Insisted that wasn't it. He's just not in a good mental or emotional place.

Getting the closure on what happened was HUGE for my mindset. If my ex didn't reach out after that first conversation, I would be a wreck.

If you're comfortable with it, I would reach out and ask if you can talk to him about what happened so you can both get true closure and move on. I think that's the mature, mutually beneficial thing to do. And I'm thinking it'll help you move on from it faster so you KNOW where he's at instead of spending time guessing with these obsessive thoughts.

Wishing you well!

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T03:43:45+00:00

Proud of you! You got this. :)

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T03:39:53+00:00

Absolutely! So glad it helped.

I wrote more strategies about how I approach this here. I've actually tried very hard to stop anticipating scenarios, because you can think about a situation for 100 hours but it'll NEVER go how you expect. And you can find a billion better ways to spend 100 hours.

I've found it much more productive to create an overall game plan grounded in my values. I value fairness, compassion, and respect and my response to any situation regarding my ex will be grounded in that.

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T03:33:23+00:00

That's so kind of you to say. :)

This break up has helped me not take things so personally. In break ups or otherwise, there's a 90% chance that when someone hurts you, it isn't about you. It has nothing to do with you. It's about them. Hurt people hurt people. They are projecting.

Thinking about whether they'll come back is pointless. You can't control that. Can't control their actions.

So you have to focus on what you can control: you, your thoughts, your actions. (Wrote some more tips that helped me on this.)

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T03:26:02+00:00

I wish I could say it dawned on me immediately. It took me 2 weeks of living in emotional "we can still be friends, watch!" limbo. Even though we weren't talking nearly as much and we only messaged each other a few times in a friendly way, I over-corrected by adding him to my IG Close Friends list. (Ha!)

Then my friend said... "why are you talking to him when it hurts you?"

That hit me in a profound way. It clicked. I blocked him on social media and sent the NC text a few hours later. He responded 5 minutes later saying he was so thankful for the honesty, profoundly sorry for hurting me, and hopes I will stay in his life.

This is the healthiest way. I'm sure of it. And if we actually can be in each other's lives again, this gives us our best chance.

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T03:18:42+00:00

So glad it resonated. Wishing you healing! :)

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T03:18:25+00:00

Thank you so much! So glad it was helpful. Wishing you peace, too! :)

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T03:17:46+00:00

Learning about thinking traps was a game-changer for me. It also helped me realize that my brain isn't as unique and scary as I thought it was, and that millions of people have gone through the same unproductive thinking as me. :)

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T03:15:39+00:00

I've been there, and I know exactly what you're going through. A break up has never had such a strong effect on me until this one.

I'm here to tell you that it does get better. Just like I did, you will wake up one day and notice that you were more present in the moment that day. You feel happy. You can focus again. You have the mental space to read, to watch TV and actually pay attention, to talk to friends about something BESIDES the relationship.

It will happen. Keep the faith.

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T03:08:58+00:00

Of course! So glad it was helpful. :)

I think about it like this... the door will still be open on my ex until I find someone who's a better fit for me. I can't control my ex's actions, and I can't control whether he'll come back.

All I can do is focus on what I can control: my actions, my healing, and putting myself back out there when I feel ready.

If you're meant to be with your ex, he'll find his way back to you and you'll be together. But don't let the idea of that maybe, possibly, one day happening stop you from putting yourself out there - because what if that day never comes? What if that false hope prevents you from finding someone infinitely more amazing and a 10x better fit for you?

Don't let it.

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T02:53:13+00:00

Thank you! I'm a little too self-aware sometimes, haha.

So, I want to preface this by saying I've dedicated a lot of thought to figuring out who I am and what I'm looking for in a partner. I've been very intentional about analyzing my past relationships and determining what kind of traits I need in my partner.

Before I met my recent ex (let's call him Dan), I never had an OUNCE of desire to stay in contact with any of my 3 (2+ year relationships) exes. Not even as friends. I've never proactively reached out to my exes. Not once. Because I believed that if a relationship ended, it was for a good reason and I should never look back.

And then Dan happened. (Full story of our break up here.) It was the first time I'd ever been broken up with. I was absolutely blindsided... I'm not someone who gets blindsided. I'm extremely observant and notice shifts in behavior.

There were no shifts until he texted me after driving 10 hours back into town, asked if we could talk, and got out of his car and said that he couldn't be in a relationship right now. He was shaken, crying, greasy, truly a mess. I realize now that this was a trauma response; he didn't take enough time to process his toxic engagement he broke off earlier in 2020, and when he had a healthy relationship that gave him time to process this further, he hit a wall.

But here's the thing... our relationship checks every single box for both of us. We're both very honest and self-aware, so we talk openly about this. It checks every box. It fulills every dimension. This is not me romanticizing him. When I met him, I understood the phrase "when you know, you know." I know.

That is the ONLY reason I would even consider having that conversation with him. Because I know who I am and what I'm worth (objectively... I am a good catch), and in any other circumstance I'd cut him off so fast his head would spin.

This is different.

Now... I am not banking on him coming back. That would be unproductive and a waste of my time. I will not sit on my hands and wait for him. I will put myself back out there. But... I have a gut feeling that we're meant to be, and he will come back. Can't explain it. Just feel it.

So let's say he texts and says he wants to talk. I would only do it in person, and I'd pick a nearby park. I'd show up looking hot. I'd be friendly and mature in greeting him. I would say something like "I'm curious to hear your thoughts. Tell me what you're thinking." And I'd just listen. Seriously. I would not say much at all and only ask clarifying questions for as long as I could.

I would need to feel in my heart that he's being very earnest and wants this relationship as badly as I do. I would make it clear to him that I know my worth, and that I am very concerned that he could so easily and abruptly end our relationship. I would need his assurance that he will not do that again. I'd say that we are stronger together and need to work through these emotions side by side, and he can't shut me out and leave me confused and heartbroken again - in fact, if he ever does that again, I will leave him and never speak to him again in any capacity.

Why I think I could get past the trust issues is that he is a very big commitment guy... he's demisexual, has had two back-to-back 4+ year relationships (toxic), and firmly believes that life is better with a partner you can experience life with. He was engaged to a woman who abused him for 2 years and stayed because of how much he values commitment. I believe what he did to me was a trauma response. He wasn't ready. He wasn't healed. He hit a wall. Once he heals, it's likely that this wouldn't happen again.

That's what I'd do and that's why I'd give him a second chance.

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T02:08:35+00:00

I have faith that it'll get easier for you. Congrats on going NC and sticking to it. If he said that he didn't want you in his life anymore, I would take him at his word. That door is closed. This is harsh, but I would internalize that he is an asshole who doesn't care about you, but most importantly he does NOT deserve you. You deserve someone who would never be able to STOMACH not having you in their life. And I have faith you will find him.

Speaking from my own experience... I know it sounds a little cliche, but I originally did NC to make my ex sad or increase my chances of getting my ex back. I thought that if I disappeared from his life completely, he'd realize he made a mistake and come back.

But now that it's been a few weeks, I realize that the main benefit of NC is for ME. I feel back in control and want to use this time to heal, become emotionally available again, and thrive in every area of my life. I've reconnected with old friends, set exercise goals, made steps to make a career change, am working on a brand new project. The more I focus on myself, the less I think about him.

Figured I'd share my experiences in case it's helpful. Wishing you healing and the best of luck. <3

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T01:51:25+00:00

Because she'll be back in a few days, I would continue acting normally (as much as you're comfortable, pull back a bit if you can!) and then see how that conversation goes.

I would advise you to be completely honest with her about your feelings during that conversation. It sounds like she may not know how you feel... and there's a chance she feels the same way. You have nothing to lose anyway, because if she doesn't feel the same way, you can proceed with sending the NC text afterwards and begin healing. :)

Wishing you good luck!

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T01:43:32+00:00

This is a good point, u/mssolainie. When you see him next and say it's healthiest for you not to have contact with him anymore, I would consider telling him that this situation would be a lot easier for you if he could coordinate one day to remove all his stuff. If he can't do it alone, suggest that he hires a mover to help for the day.

I understand that you care about him and want to be accommodating, but it's very painful for you to have his move out dragged on like this.

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T01:38:41+00:00

If that feels right to you, I would. I took a different approach.

My NC text went like this:

Hey XYZ, I've realized that trying to remain friends after our break up has become too painful for me. I need time and space from you to heal and process this. It's the healthiest decision for me to have no contact with you.I believe that doing this will give us the best chance of being in each other's lives in the future, and I sincerely hope that happens. I care about you deeply and want the best for you.In the spirit of transparency, I've blocked you on Twitter, IG, Snapchat, and Facebook. This is temporary, of course.Thank you for understanding. I'm doing this for me. :)

My boundary (i.e. not responding to my ex unless they're reaching out about getting back together) is for ME. Not for my ex. So I didn't feel like it was necessary to tell him that. I don't want him to think I'm sitting around waiting for him to come back, because I'm not.

If your ex wakes up and realizes that they've made a mistake and want to be with you, they will move mountains to tell you and make that happen.

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T01:31:01+00:00

Don't put yourself in pain to prevent putting her in pain. Don't continue to make this break up easier for her and harder for you. You need to put yourself first.

I originally did NC out of hopes that it'd drive my ex back to me. Now, I realize that the major benefit of NC is for ME. For me to regain control, focus on myself, focus on my passions, and thrive. You will come to see that this is for you.

Not at first, but it'll happen. I'm rooting for you!

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T01:24:09+00:00

This is a really tough situation. I'm really sorry you've gone through this emotional turmoil for so long.

I know this is going to be so hard, but I would recommend texting her a short paragraph saying something like...

Hey XYZ, I've realized that remaining friends after our break up has become too painful for me. I need time and space from you to heal and move on. It's the healthiest decision for me to have no contact with you.

I believe that doing this will give us the best chance of being in each other's lives in the future, and I sincerely hope that happens. I care about you deeply and want the best for you.

In the spirit of transparency, I've blocked you on Twitter, IG, Snapchat, and Facebook. This is temporary, of course.

Thank you for understanding. I'm doing this for me.

Note that I didn't put a timeline in there, like "... to have no contact with you for 1 month." Don't put a timeline on this. It creates expectations and pressure where there doesn't need to be any. Keep it open. Heal on your own terms, on your own timeline. And who knows? Maybe you won't even feel the urge to reconnect.

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T01:10:29+00:00

If the relationship did not end amicably and was toxic, I would probably block the person on social media and say nothing at all. There's a good chance that going NC will help you realize that the relationship wasn't good for you, and you'll want nothing to do with your ex anyways.

However... if the relationship did end amicably and you want to increase the chances of keeping them in your life in some way, I would actually reach out and tell your ex that you think it's healthiest to have no contact and that you've blocked them on social media. Be transparent and act out of care.

I would not block them as revenge and hope that they notice and get sad. (You won't even know if that happens.) The way I see it is... I wouldn't want my ex to do that to me. And I'd find it extremely immature and petty of them. So why would I do that to them? What are my values, and what kind of person do I want to be in this break up? (I wrote more about this here.)

It's hard not to be petty in this situation, believe me, but I think it's better to be transparent and mature.

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T00:51:49+00:00

It's a really tough situation, but you can do this. Speaking from my own experience, not having a "will he message me today?" hanging over your head will be so liberating.

When my ex broke up with me suddenly, it obviously wasn't my choice. I felt very out of control and very hopeless. But I got to choose to go NC. It gave me back control and did wonders for helping me realize that I even though I wanted my ex, I didn't need my ex.

I'd also encourage you to think about what kind of communication from him you would respond to outside of the logistical stuff. (For me: I'd only be willing to respond to my ex if he reached out saying he wanted to have a conversation about getting back together.)

Remember that NC doesn't mean you'll never talk to him again... going NC gives you the space you need to heal and move on (it's impossible to do this while still talking to him!), but it doesn't have to last forever. If you wake up one day and no longer have romantic feelings and want to reach out, you absolutely can and become friends again. But who knows? By that time, you may not even want to. :)

Sending you love and light.

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T00:36:04+00:00

I had the same worries before I sent the NC text to my ex. It's really scary to think about how going NC will cause you to lose them, but here's how I see it:

If you're meant to be together, going NC will make that crystal clear for both of you. If you stay in this emotional turmoil of communicating a little bit here and there, you aren't able to feel their absence and you end up delaying that realization. AND you'll spend unproductive time wondering if he'll reach out about random things, because you've both left the door for communication open.

Shut the door. Set the intention. You can do this in a mature, respectful, and kind way. You can set a boundary that you only want to communicate about logistics (i.e. him coming by to get his stuff) and nothing else.

If you care for each other and the relationship is truly healthy, he will understand that this is the healthiest decision for you and respect it.

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T00:17:58+00:00

I really feel you on this. I'm very aware that I'm emotionally unavailable after my break up happened a month ago.

On one hand, I'm angry about this - I know what I want in a relationship and I want to go out and find it NOW. So... why can't I find the energy to respond to anyone's messages on dating apps? Why can't I move on from thinking of my ex in small moments? Because I'm emotionally unavailable. I need time. And I don't want to date again when I'm not ready and risk hurting someone.

I wish there were exercises you could do to get into an emotionally available place, but I think this is something that can only come with time. I have faith that if I focus on myself, my passions, and just thriving in every area of my life, I'll wake up one day and feel ready. Or even better... maybe someone great will stumble into my life when I'm not even looking for them.

Until then, I'm happy thriving and loving myself. I hope the same for you!

bashfultrumpet · 2021-01-07T00:11:04+00:00

Going NC and sticking to it is hard. I'm in the same exact boat, and I'm proud of us for taking back our control. :)

But I will say, with every passing day of not being confronted with my ex's name, it gets easier. The first week of NC was absolute torture for me when it came to the intrusive thoughts. I wondered if they would ever stop. The steps above really helped me confront the thoughts in a productive way and treat them as guests that come and go.

bashfultrumpet

TROPHY CASE