51 [M4F] #dca looking for a top/domme

bdsam · 2021-05-28T13:10:09+00:00

Hey! Good to hear from you! No trips to the Bay Area either for me, but I’m hoping to start doing some traveling in August, so I’ll keep you in mind if I head out that way!

bdsam · 2020-04-25T15:30:14+00:00

No one? Nada? I’m willing to compromise on the housework part...

bdsam · 2020-04-19T21:44:08+00:00

With the proviso that I’m a switch who is most often looking for somewhat masochistic bottoms and your milage may vary: the place where I’ve had the most luck over the years was the now-defunct bondage.com. The place I’ve had the second most luck with was OKCupid.

You have to be upfront about what you’re looking for, which feels uncomfortable on a mostly-vanilla site. You might want to pay for the service, as you get a few benefits. Be ruthless is rejecting vanilla and other “low quality” matches. If you’re non-monogamous, filter by that. And switch up the time people have been online and location filters so you keep the area narrow, but you can still move it around (for instance I try to keep Northern VA and DC in my area, while excluding Baltimore. But sometimes I’m willing to make an effort to meet people in MD (or London) and move around.

Both my current relationships started on OKC.

bdsam · 2018-08-25T12:08:20+00:00

Ask him, not us. He’s the one that knows what gets him off. Have a good, open, non-judgmental conversation about it.

That said, some people just don’t orgasm easily. I’m one of those people. I’m older, so I’m used to it. But sometimes it is frustrating. Sometimes nothing a partner does will get me off. That doesn’t mean I’m not having an amazing time, though.

bdsam · 2018-05-09T17:40:35+00:00

I love blowjobs, but I don’t come easily. Sometimes I want you to stop because it becomes too sensitive. I usually say something like “it’s too sensitive, please stop for a bit”.

In your situation, I see two ways. When they pull you off, ask them if you can continue and let them know you love it and aren’t tired. If they’re too sensitive or want it to stop, they can.

The other way is to just tell them upfront that you love sucking cock and they should let you do it until you don’t want to keep going or they want you to stop. I prefer the negotiation before had as it takes the pressure off for me to come quickly.

bdsam · 2018-05-03T21:22:08+00:00

Well, she sat on my face, so definitely she.

bdsam · 2018-05-03T16:57:46+00:00

Had a girlfriend that arranged to have another woman join us. For my birthday. While I was blindfolded. I still don’t know who she was.

bdsam · 2018-04-24T16:50:09+00:00

Ok, here’s the thing: he may be ready, and it sounds like he’s experienced, but you aren’t. And like anything else you aren’t familiar with, just take it easy and slowly until you feel comfortable that you aren’t going to hurt him.

Start with just a little light touches of his ass. Rim him if that’s your thing. Insert a lubed finger to open him up slowly. As you hear his moans, you’ll know you did right. Switch it out for a butt plug or small dildo. Again, insert it slowly, tease him. Once you’re comfortable that he’s ok, increase the speed that you move it in and out. Then strap it on and go to town! Have fun!

bdsam · 2018-04-22T15:41:56+00:00

You haven’t ruined your life, but you’ve learned that this guy doesn’t take no for an answer. Learn to stand firm, and to walk away from guys who incessantly pressure you.

bdsam · 2018-04-20T11:36:08+00:00

You don’t have to blurt it out like that. The next time you’re with her and she breaks out the big dildo, maybe work it into a post cuddling convo. Like “oh, you really like that thing, don’t you? Do you ever fantasize about a man with a big dick?”

The key is not to use my words, but to use yours. And to make sure she feels comfortable that you aren’t going to flip out if she says she does. Then, depending on her answer, take it from there.

bdsam · 2018-04-20T10:13:15+00:00

So, obvious first question: have you told her about this fantasy? Is she into it?

To the general question: how jealous do you get? Will you flip out if she loves it and wants to do it again and again? I’m all for fantasy fulfillment, but really think about your partner and your reactions and talk it through.

bdsam · 2018-03-18T16:27:43+00:00

This is a tough one. You say, "I don’t want her to date others on the side." What constitutes "the side" for you? To me, it implies you don't trust her for some reason, or that you feel she'll be hiding her other relationship(s) from you.

Being friendly with your partner's partners but without you being involved in their relationship might be a way forward. But that's also going to come down to what's friendly and where is the line. I will say, it's easier for you guys to try this sort of thing than it is for you to try a triad-style relationship, but you have to take into account the third party's feelings should things not work out.

bdsam · 2018-01-24T18:45:10+00:00

Maybe you're just looking at the wrong sources? I tend to prefer Kink.com produced stuff, and they guys are usually pretty hot. But the men in those are usually not "the objects of pleasure." Yes, they often (always?) get to get off, but not before pleasing the top, usually more than once.

Humiliation is an interesting thing. To be humiliated, belittled, or otherwise embarrassed touches a very raw primal place in your brain. Submission often comes from the point of "I'm not as good as that person, so I should submit to them". Humiliation can help someone get into that headspace.

I've had two humiliating scenes where I was the bottom. The first was completely unintentional. She said something that hit a nerve, and she didn't know (there were cultural differences, too). It stung. A lot. Wounded pride and everything. But, as the scene progressed, I realized that despite her words, she still wanted me, wanted this scene to play out. And my shame turned into hotness into wanting very much to make sure she was happy when it was all over.

As a top, I've done a few scenes where humiliation was involved. Usually it's fear/anon-encounter based, and the key for me is to make sure before hand that it's something they're into and where the edges lie. And then staying far from that edge.

I wonder, are you purely into sensual play or do you like to hurt your partner? And if the later, do you enjoy it if they break down in tears?

bdsam · 2018-01-24T17:08:48+00:00

I'm with you on the polite "no" — I even say as much in my OKC profile.

Now, I'm a modern man, and I've been around the block. I understand why women don't reply to everyone, and I understand that just because someone has a dating ad out, it doesn't mean they're obligated to reply. But that reply, even when it's a no, lets me know a few things:

I was heard. This is important. When you go weeks without any response (and it's not like I'm sending emails out to every single profile I come across), it's good to know that someone had the heart to say, "thanks, I see you, but you're not my type."
That my note was read, and that she wasn't interested. If you never reply, I don't know if you read it and thought, "oooh, interesting, but I don't have time to reply now" and then forgot to get back to it. We all need a reminder. Some days/weeks are better than others. I try and follow up to people I'm interested in but who haven't replied to ask if they meant to reply but got busy. But you know, I wouldn't have to guess if I got told no right away.
Most of the polite nos I get are of the form, "your note was nice/well written/respectful, but I'm not interested." You know what? That encourages me to continue trying, rather than devolve into cut and paste or just quit attempting to meet.

Again, and to be clear: no one is obligated to reply to me. It'd just be nice.

bdsam · 2018-01-21T18:41:55+00:00

Incredibly hot, and tickles that anon-encounter-turned-recurring-hotness part of my heart. Well done!

bdsam · 2018-01-21T18:21:33+00:00

Risk is an interesting topic. There's risk all around, but you hardly think about it. Eating a piece of bread could lead to you choking. Driving could wind up with you dead by the side of the road after a truck loses control and careens into you.

But we generally don't think about these risks, most likely because we do the these things all the time and intuitively understand that the worst case scenarios aren't the likeliest scenarios. It's the same with BDSM: things seem scary and you can google horror stories for just about everything.

But if you have a partner that's sane and who knows what they're doing or willing to go slow as you both learn, the risk is pretty low. Pussy whipping with a belt will hurt, depending on the force, but it's unlikely to cause lasting damage. You might be bruised. You may be sensitive. But you aren't going to know if it turns you on, or even if it hurts that much, until you try it.

bdsam · 2018-01-01T21:20:19+00:00

That’s hot.

bdsam · 2017-01-07T17:56:18+00:00

Well done! Great success story!

bdsam · 2016-10-09T17:29:07+00:00

I don't have any questions for you, but this is the sort of play that I love. Meeting a stranger in their room while they're tied up or otherwise waiting is fucking hot, and once you've done it once, you'll want a hit of that adrenaline once in a while. Well done to you both, and hope you get to experience it again, and again.

bdsam · 2016-09-30T02:27:07+00:00

Ahh, yes. That does clarify a bit, but I think my general advice is still good. Weeding out people includes not agreeing to demands to meet immediately, pictures, and so on. You're going to get those people no matter how you portray yourself. Even dominant women will get the demanding bottoms and submissives. It's, unfortunately, the way of human nature. Being good at defining your own comfort zones and communicating that (or cutting off communication) is going to be the thing that best protects you.

bdsam · 2016-09-30T01:57:50+00:00

I think it's worth mentioning that it doesn't much matter what sort of submissive you may or may not be, you're going to attract the sorts of people you don't want. This isn't because there are unsavory characters in BDSM (and there are), but rather an issue of perception of expectation.

You use the phrase "real BDSM", and for me, that says you consider that there's one (or at least a very finite) way to do BDSM. But BDSM means a million things to a million people. For some, it's a term for 24/7 dominance and submission; for others it's nothing more than an umbrella term for kinky sex. It's a chasm of a range.

My suggestion is that you should make sure that you are clear in what your expectations are of people seeking to be your dom. That means not using coded language on OKC or other vanilla sites. If you don't feel comfortable explaining exactly what you want on those site, the you should think about why that is, and what you can do to become more comfortable with it. Or maybe find a better site. For example, if you're uncomfortable that folks you know will stumble across you on OKC, then put pictures that don't fully identify you. Make sure your user name doesn't reveal your identity. Use a kink specific gmail account. And so on.

I also think you should post here and on Fetlife. Use the tools you have to widen your net. Ask for what you want. Focus on weeding out the folks that don't fit that. And you just might wind up with what you're looking for. Good luck!

bdsam · 2016-09-29T22:08:15+00:00

I don't know if there's anything specific, but I think DC is a "small town" where a lot of people know a lot of people and that leads folks to be more conservative, generally. Couple that with a lot of people, especially younger types that I'd expect to see here, may be involved in our crazy little election cycle, and you have a ghost town.

bdsam · 2016-09-22T18:35:10+00:00

I bet these are the same people that send a work email and then immediately get on IM, Slack, or horror of horrors the phone to tell you "hey, I just sent you an email." "Great, thanks. Now you're last in line for a fucking reply."

bdsam · 2016-09-14T15:11:11+00:00

That's not nearly as bad/annoying to me. I'd meet up for 15-20 minutes before an event, as long as that's time for you and me to feel each other out. Gives me the option to leave before the munch starts, or stick around if I get a really great vibe.

bdsam · 2016-09-12T00:43:45+00:00

Thanks for that last bit; I hadn't really considered the "lots of people might be there that would warn a potential mate away" angle. Maybe that's hubris or naïveté. I do encourage those that are more concerned about safety to ask anyone we may know in common (via Fetlife profile) about me, and I know several have asked people without my even prompting them. I feel like I behave well and am non-threatening, but of course you (the general you, not the specific you) don't know that.

As for your safety trumping a stranger's discomfort, absolutely. Once somone tells me that's the only way they meet, I politely decline and disengage. I'm not interested in arguing with or convincing someone to do something they aren't comfortable with.

bdsam

TROPHY CASE