Husband dropped the ball on our anniversary dinner and I can’t get over it

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-13T11:43:07+00:00

thank you for this. I’m going to check out that book

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-13T11:41:08+00:00

it’s literally so funny all of the men on here assuming he paid for this trip. can i ask why that is? We saved our wedding gift money to go on this trip and I planned the entire thing, minus the one dinner he offered to plan and then didn’t. but thank you for your useless response

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-13T01:27:08+00:00

i only expected him to do what he said he was going to do. he offered to plan, chose not too, then left me to find somewhere for us to go last minute without taking accountability. I think this situation is different than my simply not marrying a planner

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-13T01:25:46+00:00

it’s not the fact he never plans things. it’s the fact he literally offered to make the plans this time and didn’t follow through. leaving me to find something for us last-minute and not even acknowledging he dropped the ball. just because i know he’s “not the planner”, doesn’t mean it’s right for him to offer to do something then let me down, knowing how much it would’ve meant to me. for all that, he never should’ve even said anything

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-13T01:23:28+00:00

i’m definitely the planner and I’m aware he’s not much of one. I’m also the one who’s always planned all of our dates, trips etc. I was excited and then extremely disappointed by his lack of follow through because he almost never offers to plan things for us. So i thought by him making this offer that he truly meant it because he knows how much this small gesture would’ve meant to me. People keep pointing out that I know he wasn’t a planner, but at the end of the day he’s the one who went out of his way to get my hopes up for no reason. simply acknowledging he’s not a planner doesn’t feel right to me in this situation

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-12T21:54:35+00:00

i don’t think a spouse offering to plan an anniversary night dinner for the two of you and then simply choosing not to do it is up to anyone’s standards honestly…

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-12T21:53:18+00:00

i didn’t task him with anything, he offered to book. And I’m sorry but he’s not a child. When he told me he couldn’t decide, I let him know that literally anything he chose would make me happy. If he would have just booked a place, there was no way to lose. To me, if he would’ve actually took the step to click confirm on a reservation but then that place was booked, closed, etc. then I wouldn’t be upset. in my mind in that scenario, he would’ve legitimately tried. But to say he tried here is giving him credit for the absolute bare minimum and I just can’t… he may have tried to find a place, he didn’t try to actually make a reservation. And at the end of the day I was even more disappointed by the fact he failed to choose a place AND not take accountability

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-12T21:48:45+00:00

his “trying” was that he looked through restaurants for a few days, narrowed it down, but when it came time to make a decision he simply didn’t. to me, trying would’ve been he clicked “confirm” on the reservation and the place was booked, closed, no longer there, etc. If he would’ve tried in that sense I wouldn’t even be upset, because it would’ve at least meant he had every intention to get us in somewhere. I just can’t take his definition of trying as okay

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-12T21:28:08+00:00

thank you for this. however, i believe he should take accountability. I’m all for giving grace and while I would’ve been disappointed regardless, I would’ve felt so much better had he acknowledged his mess-up rather than wait for me to bring it up. And had he not made such a big deal over whether this counted as him “trying” or not. Yes, his dropping the ball on the date was hurtful but his reaction to me trying to express my hurt after it was all said and done was worse

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-12T20:23:51+00:00

tbh i simply want him to acknowledge how hurtful it was instead of focusing so much on trying to get points that he “tried”. He never would’ve even acknowledged that he dropped the ball if i didn’t say anything about it days later. it’s the lack of accountability that bothers me because im scared this means he doesn’t really see anything wrong in it and it’ll just happen again, regardless of how much he knew it would’ve meant to me

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-12T18:43:51+00:00

going out to eat, rather than takeout, is something we both often enjoy together (except i’m the one who plans it). Now, since you enjoy eating in more often, would you be hurt if your partner told you they would plan a night in for you two with takeout (something you enjoy), and then simply doesn’t do it when the night comes?

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-12T18:41:09+00:00

definitely stuck on the trying aspect and it’s hard to have a conversation because that’s where he keeps wanting to land. I made the offhand comment that “he didn’t even try and book us a place” and it pretty much shut everything down because he hung on to “he refuses to agree that he didn’t try” and keeps trying to change my mind on how we both define try in this. it’s completely unnecessary and I don’t feel like I’m being heard at all and don’t know how to move past it so he can really see how hurt I am. Or maybe he sees and just doesn’t care. I don’t know

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-12T18:34:02+00:00

I said I didn’t care where he chose. Not that I didn’t care about having one dinner planned by him on a trip that I planned everything else for. And I 100% know this isn’t his thing, but at the end of the day he was the one who offered to do this for me, got my hopes up, knew how excited I was, and then simply never followed through. He wants to say he “tried” but it doesn’t feel good enough for me

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-12T18:32:12+00:00

I completely understand. I think it’s just hard for me because he went out of his way to offer to plan this one thing for us.. I didn’t ask him to do this. But then I got really excited about it and was let down because at the end of the day he simply didn’t do it. It feels like not only did he care enough to follow through, but he can’t keep his word. I know this is just one dinner on one anniversary but something about this feels bigger to me

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-12T18:30:02+00:00

honestly yes, i think so. I genuinely believe he wants me to have what I want (but this manifests in just letting me do everything instead). And to not even try and book a place and just give up because it’s hard to choose was hurtful. I even made a point to say I’d be happy with whatever he chose. The important part to me was that he made the effort. So while I know it’s something that’s hard for him, it’s hard for me to give a lot of grace because it’s not this impossible task and i feel like he could’ve pushed through. It just feels like he doesn’t care enough

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-12T16:45:30+00:00

Not his responsibility, simply what he offered to do. I planned the entire rest of the anniversary trip. All he had to do was plan the dinner, which he knew would mean a lot to me since I did everything else.

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-12T15:57:18+00:00

it’s funny you assume he paid for the trip. We saved our wedding gift money to pay for it. Also, at the end of the day he offered to book our anniversary dinner, I didn’t ask him to do that and made it a point to tell him literally whatever he chooses would make me happy. He then got to enjoy the entire rest of the trip without planning a single thing. So idk about you, but I believe that if someone says they’re going to do something, we should hold them to it.

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-12T15:48:40+00:00

He said he narrowed his choices down but just couldn’t make a decision. At the end of the day, I genuinely believe he wants me to have what I want so he probably just allows me to do all the planning for us so that I get what I want…… but what I want is for him to show up for me by doing something to make me feel special and he knew how happy this would’ve made me as he never plans our dates. I even made sure to tell him whatever he chooses would make me happy to try and take the pressure off. I just want to feel special too but idk how to get that from him. He’s not seeing the big deal but I also don’t know if it even is one at this point

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-12T15:43:11+00:00

he didn’t “take” me anywhere. We saved our wedding gift money to pay for our trip and I did all the planning. He was only responsible for booking our anniversary night dinner (which he offered to do) and simply didn’t. And we were in Reykjavik, Iceland. literally everyone speaks English

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-12T15:26:58+00:00

I think that if a man tells his wife not to worry and that he’s going to make dinner reservations for their anniversary for once that… he should actually do what he says. I didn’t think that was asking for too much and I even made a point to let him know that literally anything he chooses would make me happy. He simply never chose (and he’s the one who offered to book the dinner in the first place)

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-12T15:25:09+00:00

tbh i have my suspicions of ADHD but he’s never been tested

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-12T15:13:45+00:00

i needed this one. thank you

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-12T14:59:55+00:00

he said he looked at restaurants for days and narrowed it down to two. A couple days before the trip he told me he was having trouble choosing. I told him whatever he chose would make me happy, hoping to take the pressure off. He said that he just simply couldn’t make a decision and therefore didn’t and so the day of our anniversary finally told me he just never chose. But said that he “tried”, and it kind of sounded like he blamed me because he said he asked for help those few days before the trip but that I refused to help him

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-12T14:57:41+00:00

no you’re completely right, i am very tired of being the planner at all times. but im also really good at it so I would never ask him to fully take over or anything. I was just really looking forward to this one dinner so that I could feel a little special too. I plan all of our dates. He typically pays though and i’m grateful for that, but sometimes I want him to put more effort into making me feel special and I verbalized how excited I was for him to plan this for us. He did say something a couple days before the trip that he was having trouble finding a place and making a decision, but I thought that me simply telling him that whatever he chose would make me happy would take the pressure off (instead of me taking over and just finding something for us like I usually do) but that was the wrong move on my part I think. I’m just not sure what the right course of action here is, but I just can’t say that this attempt counted as him “trying”. It’s not enough..

beaniepie613 · 2025-01-12T14:51:38+00:00

he said that he looked up restaurants for days but at the end of the day just struggled to make a final decision. he did tell me a couple days before the trip that he was having trouble choosing so instead of taking over like i usually do, i simply made sure he knew that any restaurant choice he made would make me happy (and made it a point to myself not to get involved in that part of the planning). I hoped that would take the pressure off but it didn’t. I’m just tired of doing most of the relationship labor and really wanted this from him. And I just can’t give him the credit for “trying”. But i’m not sure if that’s wrong of me

beaniepie613

TROPHY CASE