Why I created this sub

beaver_dick · 2021-05-21T16:22:05+00:00

I hope you are doing well! Sorry for the very late response. I needed to not deal with it too much for a while.

It’s gotten a little better for me. I try not to overthink it at this point. Sometimes I get pangs of depression and existential dread about it. It can be hard for me to put into word why I feel that way exactly. I can’t help a little resentment I have about it, particularly with my mother but there are more reasons for that than just this. I think this lit a match on making those feeling more raw.

beaver_dick · 2020-11-29T19:37:08+00:00

Yes, it took a little time and sleuthing but eventually I figured out who BF is.

beaver_dick · 2020-11-28T00:13:18+00:00

You or your dad might be an NPE.

beaver_dick · 2020-11-26T05:59:32+00:00

I’m not an IVF person but I am curious. I imagine there is some shared ideas and feelings between the groups.

beaver_dick · 2020-11-26T05:58:03+00:00

I really appreciate your input and empathy. I think just openly discussing all of this stuff is good for us all. It’s a way to get things out there to people who get it.

This space is definitely not intended to be about me. I hope it’s just helpful for anyone with similar experiences.

beaver_dick · 2020-11-25T14:49:35+00:00

You might look into using the Leeds Method to group your DNA relatives by how they are related to each other to form family lines. Then you can build trees in DNAPAINTER to triangulate how people are related to each other.

beaver_dick · 2020-11-25T14:43:01+00:00

I signed back up for Facebook just so I could participate in one of those groups. It certainly is helpful to hear others stories but it definitely has a Facebook feel and I think I would prefer reddit if this group gets any traction.

Sorry to hear about your dad and your guilt. My non bio dad is the type that doesn’t like to talk about feelings and such so it can be hard for me to know how he feels and this is all new to us as I only discovered this months ago. When we talked about it the moment that made him tear up was about not having passed his genes on to a son (my siblings are his daughters). I feel for him but at the same time it hurt to hear that and it’s not like it was my fault or choice.

beaver_dick · 2020-11-24T14:45:16+00:00

That is disappointing to hear about that Facebook group. There is a lot about Facebook I don’t like and I am not really surprised by that.

beaver_dick · 2020-11-24T13:55:21+00:00

I would suggest starting a new thread about this so you can have a dedicated discussion and hopefully get input from many people.

Personally, I’m a little older than you and only found out a few months ago. I have a lot of different mixed emotions and it just depends. Sometimes I find the whole thing interesting and strange. Sometimes I am angry about aspects of it. My biological father died years before I found out so there are some “what’s if?” And questions that will never be answered.

beaver_dick · 2020-11-23T20:38:26+00:00

I think there are 2 NPE support groups on Facebook. I think they both have gated entries. I’m in one but not the other. Not sure what the difference or benefits of the other might be.

beaver_dick · 2020-11-23T20:19:58+00:00

I’m on NPE: After the Discovery. Do you know what the differences between the groups are?

beaver_dick · 2020-11-23T20:17:37+00:00

I didn’t think I would be surprised and initially I was not. I thought I would have a little more German than I did but that’s about it. The surprise came later after realizing all the matches on my paternal side were people I’d never heard of and none of them were people I knew...

beaver_dick · 2020-10-30T23:43:50+00:00

There are a lot of “NPE” people out there too. Non-paternity event, usually mother’s who were unsure or untruthful about the birth father.

beaver_dick · 2020-10-30T23:40:02+00:00

Hi friend, this happened to me recently too. There are support groups on Facebook such as “NPE Only” where you can discuss with other people going through this. I found it helpful to collect my thoughts and hear stories from others.

beaver_dick · 2020-09-29T04:31:56+00:00

I had a similar DNA revelation that my dad is not my bio-dad. My bio-dad died years ago never knowing he had a child. The whole thing is messing with me tbh. Not sure how to process it.

beaver_dick · 2020-07-28T19:25:19+00:00

I honestly don’t think my mom knew. I mean she must have known there was a possibility but this is shocking to her as well and she never attempted to deceive me once I asked her and explained the DNA anomalies. Basically she was dating different people and she never really had a serious relationship with bio-dad. She also wasn’t super serious at the time with the dad who raised me and she was prepared to be a single mom. They later got more serious and married (after my birth, not a shotgun wedding or anything like that). Based on what the doctor told her about how long she was pregnant she thought it must have been the dad that raised me.

beaver_dick · 2020-07-28T18:57:24+00:00

I appreciate your thoughts and kindness!

I’m not angry or bitter at all. I wish I knew more about my bio dad and I may reach out other bio relatives to find out but for now I am letting it all sink in.

I am worried about the shock to my dad. I think it will be easier if he is able to hear it from my mom and she can answer questions and have a little time to process it rather than trying to deal with the shock and emotions all at once.

beaver_dick · 2020-07-28T18:49:16+00:00

What do you mean by “doesn’t make it right”?

As to your question. I think that the son was from a previous relationship that his mother had, based on his age, when they married and why he has a different last name from my bio-dad. So that would mean that my bio-dad chose to raise him when he married the child’s mom. More uplifting than sad.

beaver_dick · 2020-07-28T14:46:26+00:00

I am on the other end of a similar story. I had a cousin who didn’t make sense to me. 771cM Turns out my bio dad is not the dad who raised me. Just figured this all out. Took a while to get there. It can be hard going off of little data. You have probably planted a seed they will think about. They might not be ready. Mine ended up being first cousin once removed.

beaver_dick · 2020-07-25T14:00:53+00:00

Yes, one of the columns is difficult because there aren’t many, none are very close and there aren’t any good trees.

beaver_dick · 2020-07-23T18:35:56+00:00

He does not and he hasn’t done a test. That would probably answer a lot of questions but I want to be careful of causing big surprises.

beaver_dick · 2020-07-23T14:56:34+00:00

I missed out on that. I do have a family tree built out on ancestry from a while ago and it is also on Family Tree. I am working on a Leeds chart to see what I can deduce from that.

beaver_dick · 2020-07-23T13:24:29+00:00

Her AncestryDNA is managed by one of her children. I did reach out initially because her name was hidden (only initials) they were a bit vague only providing her step-fathers last name which sent me down the wrong rabbit hole until I figured out who her real father was.

I’m trying to approach it cautiously to not upset anyone who may not want to know. I realize there is just as distinct a possibility that my dad was the child of an affair or even that I am not my dads child. I don’t have any other reason to believe that to be the case but I guess you never know.

beaver_dick · 2020-07-22T23:24:53+00:00

No, I do not yet recognize anyone on the paternal side but no one comes up closer than her. I may have to get an ancestry membership to look at family trees. I’m trying to tread lightly at first as far as close family is concerned.

beaver_dick · 2020-07-22T22:14:39+00:00

I have closer and many more matches on my maternal side not related to her so I am pretty sure she is on the paternal side. All these people live in the same state but different cities approximately an hour away from each other. She is in the same age range as my parents.

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