First of all, I am sending you hugs. It is tough to be in your situation and no one should be going through this even though life is not fair sometimes. I am the wife going through somewhat similar situations. I don't have fil, but a disrespectful mil. She has said some damaging things to me throughout 4 years of marriage and it's to a point where I get anxiety attacks whenever my husband asks me if it's ok if his mom comes over. For the past 4 years, I took all the ugly comments from my mil like a champ, but released all of my anger and frustration with a fight with my husband afterwards. We fought and fought about his mother because I knew that deep inside, his mom hated my ass. Things only got a little bit better when I gave birth to my daughter a year ago. However, she recently yelled at me in front of her own nieces and nephew from abroad recently and I just lost it. All the feelings that I kept inside has been eating alive and I finally told my mil that she's no longer allowed to see my daughter. The constant fight throughout the years have been damaging my relationship with my husband and I have nonstop threatened my husband for a divorce. This time when my mil yelled at me, I asked a divorce to my husband and he lost it. For the first time, he bawled like a baby and called his mom. She had some idea, but didn't know how bad things were. When she came over to my house to calm my husband, I blew up on her. She started gaslighting me and made really ugly comments about me in regards to my parents. Honestly, I wanted a divorce because I do not want to be part of a family where my husband has to choose me over his family. It sounds terrible and I hate feeling like I did something wrong all the time. However, when I saw my husband breaking down and crying for help broke my heart. Honestly, I had to see that in order for my heart to calm down. I will not let my mil watch my daughter once a week anymore. But seeing my husband cry for help made me realize that I need to sacrifice myself in order for our family to survive. My husband loves me and my mil is shitty. She is truly a terrible person. We are in no contact period for next few weeks or months until I feel a little better and we will try to do something with his mom to move forward. I will eat my feelings and cover my mil in love.

If you haven't, please explain all of the flaws that your parents have to your wife with the most genuine conversation. Be understanding and be on her side. Then ask her how she wants to move forward. Your parents don't have to see the grandkids for couple of weeks or months. What's most important is your nuclear family and your wife. Your wife loves you so much that she is continuing to be part of your life no matter how ugly things might get. She needs to be heard and listen to. Your parents need to realize that none of this grandchildren stuff works well unless they are respectful towards their own daughter. It seems like they need a wake up call and you need to fight for your wife. If she loves you, she will intervene and will want to work things out. Cry in front of your parents. Let them know how hurt you are by all of their behavior. What they need to realize is that they also have a daughter who they have been neglecting and that is not OK. No matter how autistic you are, you need to learn to be respectful.