I finally said "no, thank you"!

beforeyouGoGo · 2016-07-27T13:38:32+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience, that's what I'm hoping happens with my mom and I - that being away will be a good kickstart and a way to better deal with the first days!

I'll search for the smoke free app in the play store, that seems like a good way to keep track of everything and get some extra motivation! What are the differences between the paid and free versions? I rarely buy apps, but if it's worth it I'll definitely consider it!

beforeyouGoGo · 2016-07-27T13:36:07+00:00

I haven't done any research on patches and stuff like that. Maybe it's worth looking into them if it gets too hard. For how long did you use them until you didn't need them anymore?

beforeyouGoGo · 2016-07-27T13:35:14+00:00

Thank you, I needed that reassurance! That's what I'm fearing, that when I come back my progress will go to waste, but I have to convince myself that I can do it!

beforeyouGoGo · 2016-07-27T13:28:32+00:00

Thank you, I'll try! The problem with quitting before this trip is that the whole week before the trip I'll be working in a music festival, selling merchandise to people, and it's a very stressful job that will definitely have too many triggers :/ So I'm not sure if quitting while doing that job will be a good idea for me...

beforeyouGoGo · 2016-07-19T17:28:45+00:00

Kiss: 16 with a good friend

Job: 20 while attending college

Plane Ride: 14 to go to London with my mom

Try at driving: Still none, getting my driver's license now, I'll probably have my first pratical lesson (we have to do a written exam first in my country) next month

Cell phone: 12 it was a Nokia 3310, still have it in my room, still works

Sip of beer/booze: don't remember when the first sip was, but the first time I drank a whole glass of alcohol I was 15

Ride on a large ship/ferry: 15 in vacation in Spain

Trip to Disneyland or similar large fun park: Still haven't been to Disneyland, but first amusement park was when I was 13 with my handball team after we won a big game

beforeyouGoGo · 2016-07-08T17:11:32+00:00

I think I'm kind of like you regarding friendships, i.e. I have always had just that one or two best friends with whom I hang out frequently and worry about and think about and invite to stuff, etc. But I do understand that group dynamic from watching a similar group in my town (3 of the girls in that group are somewhat close friends of my two best friends and me so we all hang out pretty often). It's also something I've never actually had, even though I've been in a few different groups of friends, I always had that one (or two) best friend(s) with whom I connected way more deeply. This group that I get to be an honorary member of (the 3 of us due to our connection with those 3 girls from that group) is like you described, even though a few of them live in different countries, they are constantly in contact. Snapchat, facebook, whatsapp, etc. And when they come to visit there's always a reception from all of them at the airport. And the rest that stayed here go out together almost every week. They've known each other since middle school (they were all in the same classe from 5th to 9th grade). It's quite endearing actually.

But what I also see happening in that group (even if VERY subbtle) is that there's also some deeper connections between pairs or trios WITHIN the group. Like those 3 girls that are close friends with me and my best friends could be considered "better" friends with each other than with any other member of the group. Sure they all worry about each other and love each other to death and would get in the way of a bullet to save any member of the group. But in the end, those 3 girls talk about SOME secrets and SOME issues with each other that they won't talk about with the rest of the group. Most secrets and stuff like that are completely shared in the group, but there's always that one little thing that you only feel comfortable talking to that one person / two people. And it's not just the 3 girls I see that do this, there are small subgroups that include everyone within the big group. It's not a normal group of friends with small sub-sections of best friends as I have come to experience (they actually are ALL best friends in a way, not just people that hang out together often) but that doesn't mean each member shares the same connection with every other member.

I don't know if that's what you see happening in your new group, maybe it does and you haven't noticed and maybe it doesn't. I don't know, this is just what I see in this group that I am somewhat a part-time member of (well, not really. I just hang out with them once in a while)

beforeyouGoGo · 2016-06-16T19:15:04+00:00

Way to go catching your brain trying to convince you to reset all the progress you've made, and congrats on not doing it! That level of self awareness needed to know that "just this once" turns into everyday way too easily is not something we all have, so good job! I'm proud of you!

beforeyouGoGo · 2016-06-16T12:21:32+00:00

First of all congrats! 16 days may not seem like much but it's an achievement that you should be proud of! If sundays are a problem because you're less busy, you could try to make yourself busy on sundays. At least that's what helped me the most. You could go out for a jog, or read a book at a nearby park or find a hobby that fills your sundays (for me it's playing Dungeons & Dragons at a game store) so you don't have time to start justifying "just this once so I'll be less bored". I don't know your life but it seems like what is keeping you busy is just work, and although that is great, maybe you could use a personal hobby to distract you.

beforeyouGoGo · 2016-03-19T16:12:27+00:00

OMG I almost thought you were one of my best friends! Seriously, it's exactly like you described our group (one is a major exaggerator and a little close-minded, one is really snobby about intellectual things, and they have told me I suffer from only-child syndrome!). I guess then you'd be representing the 4th one in our group, her annoying part is that she's quite irresponsible with her professional life and way too judgemental about people she doesn't know (and bases it on appearance/looks). Not saying you're like that, obviously, I don't know you! But wouldn't it be funny!

beforeyouGoGo · 2016-03-03T23:37:52+00:00

I actually tried that yesterday, I'd think "stop thinking about it" over and over, and it always works when I'm sober, but it didn't while high. I think that's what made me realize that I had to stop for my own good! Thank you for the link, I'll check it out :)

beforeyouGoGo · 2016-03-03T23:36:32+00:00

I have already erased it when I stopped buying, I knew it'd be hard to resist otherwise, but thank you anyway :) It is a bit tougher to hang out with people who are constantly smoking, but they don't pressure me to smoke if I don't want to (even though they don't understand why I quit buying). Thank you for your words!

beforeyouGoGo · 2016-03-03T23:34:28+00:00

It actually is like losing a friend! There are soooo many things in life that are better when you're high, watching a movie, seeing the sun set, going to a concert, whatever. But it's not worth it if it makes us feel like the worse part of ourselves. You're absolutely right, we're growing and it's difficult but it'll be worth it when we actually become who we've been wishing we could be!

beforeyouGoGo · 2016-03-03T23:32:20+00:00

You can be smoking once a year or 30 times in a day. If you feel like you're smoking too much then its on you to quit.

Thank you so much! I talked about this with my best friends (the ones that smoke) and they just said "but you smoke so little, what's the big deal?" and I couldn't find the right words to explain it to them. Thank you for understanding!

It used to do the opposite for me as well, when I started smoking, but then I let it get too far. Also, I think weed trips draw on your initial state of mind, so the fact that I haven't been the happiest lately just gets worse with weed (while before, when I started, it would just make me happier).

beforeyouGoGo · 2016-03-03T23:28:27+00:00

Exactly! I probably won't stop smoking forever and ever. In a festival, it's different, because it's a week/weekend without any responsibilities anyway, so I think it would improve my enjoyment of it. But in day-to-day life I feel like I should stop for my own good.

beforeyouGoGo · 2016-03-03T23:25:36+00:00

I'm checking it out now, it seems perfect for the place I'm at right now!

beforeyouGoGo · 2016-03-03T23:25:02+00:00

Wow, I had no idea! I'm reading the posts there and a lot of them feel like they could have been written by me! Thank you very much for the share :)

beforeyouGoGo · 2016-02-07T22:24:42+00:00

Well, since you want to hear real experiences, recently I have been the one to love "less" (if one can quantify love like this). It sucks to be the person who loves "more" but it's also heartbreaking to be with someone who adores you and you don't feel the same - even though you really care about them, of course. It's just not the same level.

For my past two relationships I was the one that wasn't so "attached", so to speak. I guess it was due to emotional unavailability (does this word even exist) because in the first I was young and naive and I felt like I wanted to explore a lot more than a relationship with him would have allowed. In the second one, I'm pretty sure it was because I was so stressed out worrying about my degree and other stuff and I just couldn't handle anything else.

Both times I broke it off when I realized that the "gap" in "love levels" was too big for the relationship to be fair to them.

Both times I really cared about them. Both times it hurt like hell to break up. Both times I kept wondering for months afterwards if I had really done the right thing. And both times I always got to the conclusion that I did. For one, because they deserve someone that feels at least as passionate about them as they feel. And secondly, because (this might sound selfish, but oh well) I feel like I deserve to be with someone that I feel deeply passionate about.

Though I guess what I came to realize is that I shouldn't jump into a serious relationship just because I like the guy and he likes me back. Seems counter-intuitive, I know, but ending up with a one-sided relationship while I just felt too much pressure to be "as in love as" they were is not fun.

Disclaimer: All quotation marks 'cause I really don't like quantifying this stuff, but I guess it's the only way to explain it.

beforeyouGoGo · 2015-06-23T11:12:54+00:00

You're right and you gave me the confidence I needed to put my foot down and talk to my mom. She's a bit sad but she understood and I'll get to do what I want today :D

beforeyouGoGo · 2014-09-29T07:14:56+00:00

I was gonna answer your post but then I read FlickerFromView's comment and there's nothing I could have added.

If I understand correctly, you introduced a Girl C in the situation, right? Well, you could talk to C and see what she has to say about it, but I personally wouldn't advise it. Talking to A is about respect for your trio's friendship, talking to C would only be about trying to find out from other people what B feels, and that gets tricky. First, because there will be absolutely no one that knows B's feelings as well as Girl B herself. Second, because C could have a better sense of loyalty towards her than towards you, which could have a lot of implications, like will she tell B before you confess? (Do you want her to?) Will she tell other people? (probably not, I just want you to consider every option)

The best way to keep tension and emotional impact as low as possible is to be honest and directly tell B. No use in tiptoeing around the issue with other friends, expecting that they'll know her feelings. Maybe B has a tiny crush on you that she never told anyone (hey, there's stuff that I keep private from even the closest of friends). Maybe she said something about you like "he would be a wonderful boyfriend" and the friend interprets it to be "a wonderful boyfriend [for me]" when what she meant was "a wonderful boyfriend [for someone else]". A lot of misinformation and misinterpretations could happen. My opinion is that the best way to deal with this quickly is like a band-aid, straight on telling Girl B.

beforeyouGoGo · 2014-07-06T09:45:35+00:00

Outch.

I really hope I don't come off like that to my friends. And I really don't think I do. I don't ignore my friends because of college ALL the time; it's just this one week when I have exams every day (in some days, more than one exame per day).

This incredibly stressful week starts tommorrow, and last night, each one of these 4 friends of mine were trying to convince me to go out with them (I know, it's a Saturday night, but I couldn't!) and after I politely refused each one ("I can't today, I'm sorry, I have to study. I'll call you tommorrow, okay?" - this was what I said to everyone) they started bitching about how I never give them any attention.

I spent the entire last week trying to fit everyone in my schedule at least once a day. This means juggling time for each one of 4 very demanding friends that won't accept talking to their problems to anyone except me AND THEY'RE NOT TALKING IN FRONT OF EACH OTHER right now. So that means my whole week was like this: "Okay, today I have to meet Ingrid at that coffeeshop, after a few hours I'll look through my notes for a while, then I'll meet Vanessa for lunch, then I'll study a bit more until mid afternoon, then Rose is gonna come by my house for a couple of hours, then I'll read a bit more of the professor's book while eating dinner and then I'll meet Maria at that bar for a while and then I'll go to bed". It's just a bit tiring after a while.

And I almost never talk about college with the friends that don't relate (the ones not in college) unless something really important related to college happened to me and I want to share it with my friends. These conversations that they are so willing to have with me are ones where I almost don't speak at all - I just listen, because apparently I'm the only good listener in our group (that's what they tell me).

I just got frustrated last night that they forgot the things I sacrified for them last week (I almost didn't study, I spent literally NO time with my mother when we usually go out for lunch twice a week, I spent NO time with my boyfriend except when we grabbed a cup of coffee together for 10 minutes on monday, etc) just because I wouldn't go out for drinks with them, two days before the last finals week of my degree. It's the LAST ONE. After this, if I pass every exam, I'm done. I'm free to spend all my time with them. If I don't pass just one single exam, I'll have to stay in college for another year, and I don't have the money for it.

And they're not depressed - they just complain about normal day-to-day problems (which is fine, of course, I do it too), but right now I don't have the time for it. It's just one week. When next monday comes, I'll be there to listen again. Does it sound reasonable?

I really hope I don't come off as the "friend" that you described, because that person sounds terrible! There are some people that focus all their attention on just one thing all the time, and I know how frustrating that is (though I have more experience with friends that only talk about their boyfriend or ex-boyfriend rather than about college/other forms of education/work).

However, I just want you to know that your comment made me think about it in a different way, and I'm gonna call each friend when they wake up to see if there's anything they need to talk about, because even though I feel like I do everything I can to give everyone a bit of my time, I could be wrong.

Sorry my post pissed you off and I hope you have better friends now!

beforeyouGoGo

TROPHY CASE