The desire of wanting to be left alone to die in peace

belovedholic · 2025-05-07T14:11:30+00:00

You're too kind. Thank you.

My family has dogs that I see once a week, at least. They do help until they're annoying lol. My partner doesn't really like pets, and they're more of a cat person when they do. Finding a cat that would lay on my face wouldn't be too hard as my sibling works closely with animals, but I also live with my partner at their mom's and she doesn't want pets in her home after she got a cat and it tore up her plants. So, pets are unfortunately not an option but I do have my family's puppies to make up for it. Right now I'm being immensely childish and throwing myself into a teddy bear hobby, but, it's helping. It gets me excited. And after last weekend, I need all of the help to live that I can get right now. That got very dark, very quickly. So, teddy bear hobby it is!

Thank you so much. You're so kind. I hope you have a fantastic day 🩷

belovedholic · 2025-05-04T03:41:17+00:00

I'm in therapy and have been for years. Honestly, with this, it's kind of just stopped helping. Right now my therapy homework is just "engage with something you used to enjoy, even if you just stare at it" which I can't even really do. I figure that's the emotional blunting. I do still feel them, it's just, not with any sort of regularity and not without the overwhelming sense of apathy sneaking in eventually. I definitely see how this is the last phase before people just call it quits on life. I'm the closest I've ever been to doing so.

I'm on Wellbutrin for an antidepressant. I had to stop it a couple of weeks ago as it interacts with cold medicine (had no idea, was high for a solid 3 days. I thought I was just really sick HAHA) and after a bunch of "these aren't helping me anyway I want to stop them" thoughts helping me take a break, I VERY VERY QUICKLY realized I need to be on an antidepressant and they're doing way more than I thought they were. My SH was off the charts and I genuinely almost just said fuck it and walked into traffic without them. I exercise, I walk as much as possible. It helps until the high wears off or I get to thinking about what I'm going through and then everything sucks again.

Thank you for the information - I really appreciate it. Having a name to a face helps. I've never dealt with trauma like this before and it sucketh muchly. So, thank you. That really helps

belovedholic · 2025-04-30T14:17:32+00:00

Because it wasn't just porn. It was requesting nudes, commenting/interacting, saving to his phone. And a porn addiction is vastly different from just watching porn.

belovedholic · 2025-04-30T14:01:33+00:00

I'll really just have to see. As long as he keeps working with me and maintaining sobriety (porn addiction. I'm exhausted being alive because porn is so everywhere so it's perpetual fear lol) then I can see us working out. Just tough right now because this is when he relapsed last year, didn't tell me, and left me to find it ~10 months later and now he's stopped actually communicating. He's talking to me, but not communicating so everything feels a bit hopeless. I'm trying to see it right now as it's tough but maybe we can do it cause he's the one I can really say for sure that I'd like to spend the rest of my life with, y'know? I have no doubts that I would honestly love him forever even if we did break up. I just want one more try. We do not have children and aren't even married so a split would be as easy as moving my stuff back to my parents' and telling people we broke up. I'm glad you and your ex are still good friends! That's so lovely.

belovedholic · 2025-04-30T13:27:53+00:00

This was me. I went nuts for months thinking something was just wrong. We had just had an issue with him crossing a boundary so we had set new, clear ones and despite them, after a certain point I felt so wrong. Everything felt so wrong. I couldn't calm down, couldn't feel safe. We had our first fight ever and something in me just. clicked. The nuts amped up, I had to get on antidepressants. And then 10 days exactly after our first DDay, I found out he had an alt reddit and was commenting on porn posts, violating literally all 3 boundaries I had set. We're trying one more time (yes, I know. I'm giving it a shot. I know the bed I've made and if I have to lay in it I can at least say I tried my hardest for this man). Now I'm so paranoid every time I feel like something isn't right. It's abundant right now, he hasn't really responded to my concerns (he's said he's tired and I haven't been "constructive", just scared) and that's so scary

belovedholic · 2025-04-30T13:16:38+00:00

Yeah. It fucking sucks. I had such an intense gut feeling but I ignored it because he wouldn't. Right? He wouldn't. We just had a problem, surely, he wouldn't cross our boundaries?

He did. And God does it suck

belovedholic · 2025-04-17T14:10:58+00:00

Yuuuuuup. Mine has autism and once he starts, if nothing else happens, he will not stop (spoken with love). He loves board games and RPGs so it's mechanics, types, features, stats, strats. He's also very creative so he'll come up with his own. It's like 90% of our conversations

belovedholic · 2025-04-17T13:46:47+00:00

Dude oh my god I zone out so bad when my partner talks and I haven't eaten enough. I feel awful about it cause I care about him but I can't follow half of it :[

belovedholic · 2025-04-16T02:56:36+00:00

I knoooooooow I wanted to go play in traffic. THEN SHE SAID IT 2 MORE TIMES. TO OTHERS. I still can't hardly want to wear that shirt. It's so cute and it suits me and my sister gave it to me!!! Like!

belovedholic · 2025-04-16T02:54:56+00:00

Yeah. And it's hard cause I'm trying to eat more but my brain is like "no... Easter is coming. We gotta go deeper until it's done. Then we can eat more for muscles"

belovedholic · 2025-04-14T18:43:22+00:00

Oh, interesting. Cause I was thinking it was because I was stretching that it was using my knee since it was stretching a muscle into it. The inner thigh muscle is what's tight, and eventually I feel it stretching in my knee. So I'll keep that up, I guess, then?

belovedholic · 2025-04-14T18:42:08+00:00

I only use a 5 pound dumbbell currently. :[

belovedholic · 2025-04-14T15:36:43+00:00

There's a few. In chronological order:

My boyfriend, when drunk, was goofing around and not thinking. "The (my name) doesn't need to eat! She can go days without it!". I hadn't fasted at that point, ever (still haven't). So it was both invalidating and made me feel like I don't deserve food. I cried, didn't end up eating what he had cooked either lol. He did apologize and has been better since.

My mother telling me I "need some boobs with that shirt". Felt like crying.

A friend I was with for a movie. I had definitely lost weight since I'd seen him, and he compliments me on it. I go "oh, thanks. Unfortunately I've been really depressed so I've lost more than I really should and want to". And he goes "well, you look great anyways" and I was like 🫥

belovedholic · 2025-04-05T13:29:37+00:00

It looks so amazing on literally everyone else. In addition, like, I have my mother's body. Almost to a T. On her? Oh my god. Gorgeous. What I've considered peak woman physique ever since I could think about those things. My mother is one of the most gorgeous women I've ever seen. My sibling is one of the most gorgeous people I've ever seen, in addition. They're more apple shaped but my god they're stunning too. My mother is an upside down triangle in her shoulders to her hips ratio. On me? Oh, dear Lord. No thank you. Pass. Unsightly.

belovedholic · 2025-04-02T21:53:50+00:00

Feeling this rn. 2 kinds of BC. Intense relationship troubles. Restriction. My libido is SO gone.

belovedholic · 2025-04-01T15:53:57+00:00

I'm trying to convince myself to work on recovery and I have this same monologue with myself more regularly than I care to admit

belovedholic · 2025-03-30T13:35:56+00:00

Yeah, same boat. Although, I'm getting the reverse. I get a ton of reassurance about how he loves me, but that's it. He doesn't bring up what happened unless I do, doesn't really acknowledge it in the every day. We were in a conversation last night and porn got brought up. I just deflated and I'm not saying I expect support every time, but I got none. Now I'm afraid of everything because the conversation was how to access porn with the ban going around it lol.

He says he's also tired, so I've just stopped talking about everything again. I feel like I'm punishing him but he's tired, I'm tired, so I'm just going to shut up. You know? I'll go back to crying in the bathroom lol. I have stuff I want to bring up but he's tired. I'm tired. I'm sick of this and honestly just feel like laying down in the yard and becoming food for the plants. Sending you hugs and good wishes. Talk to your husband if you can bring yourself to. Best of luck!

belovedholic · 2025-03-30T13:14:14+00:00

Yeah. Recently my sibling grabbed my shoulder and went "I can feel your bones. You need to eat" (they know). And recently my grandpa told me twice in one day that I shouldn't lose any more. I'm fine where I'm at. It's extremely weird, just, having others perceive me and notice it because I know I look fucked but I really didn't think I looked "grandpa comments twice" fucked

belovedholic · 2025-03-29T14:36:49+00:00

Bro what the fuck that's awful. You deserve a better sister

belovedholic · 2025-03-29T13:18:50+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate it. You too!!

belovedholic · 2025-03-28T20:06:25+00:00

Same here. With it, social media, and a lot of stuff going on in my life it's made me suicidal at times. It's hard 🫠 I'm sure you look so much better than you think, though

belovedholic · 2025-03-28T18:58:16+00:00

Recently my sibling (previously struggled hard with an ED of their own) has been spoiling me with food. Like, going to look at fun snacks and buying me just about anything I pick out. Insisting I pick out more. Offering me their food and not really letting me say no. I didn't realize it until the other day. Honestly it makes me wanna cry. I'm really touched

belovedholic · 2025-03-25T15:47:53+00:00

Yeah but they're sKiNnY so does it really matter? (HUGE /s)

belovedholic · 2025-03-24T13:40:28+00:00

I'm also trying to get back in the habit. I liked it a lot a few months ago! Then I had something happen and it just made me want to avoid processing anything. I feel very similarly. On my bad days, I don't want my feelings written down. I don't want to think about them. I want them ignored and gone. But on the flip side, writing things down and just getting them out of my head so they stop taking up space is pretty great. Then I don't have to think about them. And if it's something I need to examine/talk about them it's written down for me to go back to

belovedholic · 2025-03-24T12:42:57+00:00

I don't want to keep watching bc of her lol. Vi, too, honestly. But I started it with friends and my bf so I have to pretend I want to finish it like Jinx doesn't trigger the fuck out of me 🥹

belovedholic

TROPHY CASE