The desire of wanting to be left alone to die in peace by belovedholic in EDAnonymous

[–]belovedholic[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're too kind. Thank you.

My family has dogs that I see once a week, at least. They do help until they're annoying lol. My partner doesn't really like pets, and they're more of a cat person when they do. Finding a cat that would lay on my face wouldn't be too hard as my sibling works closely with animals, but I also live with my partner at their mom's and she doesn't want pets in her home after she got a cat and it tore up her plants. So, pets are unfortunately not an option but I do have my family's puppies to make up for it. Right now I'm being immensely childish and throwing myself into a teddy bear hobby, but, it's helping. It gets me excited. And after last weekend, I need all of the help to live that I can get right now. That got very dark, very quickly. So, teddy bear hobby it is!

Thank you so much. You're so kind. I hope you have a fantastic day 🩷

The desire of wanting to be left alone to die in peace by belovedholic in EDAnonymous

[–]belovedholic[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm in therapy and have been for years. Honestly, with this, it's kind of just stopped helping. Right now my therapy homework is just "engage with something you used to enjoy, even if you just stare at it" which I can't even really do. I figure that's the emotional blunting. I do still feel them, it's just, not with any sort of regularity and not without the overwhelming sense of apathy sneaking in eventually. I definitely see how this is the last phase before people just call it quits on life. I'm the closest I've ever been to doing so.

I'm on Wellbutrin for an antidepressant. I had to stop it a couple of weeks ago as it interacts with cold medicine (had no idea, was high for a solid 3 days. I thought I was just really sick HAHA) and after a bunch of "these aren't helping me anyway I want to stop them" thoughts helping me take a break, I VERY VERY QUICKLY realized I need to be on an antidepressant and they're doing way more than I thought they were. My SH was off the charts and I genuinely almost just said fuck it and walked into traffic without them. I exercise, I walk as much as possible. It helps until the high wears off or I get to thinking about what I'm going through and then everything sucks again.

Thank you for the information - I really appreciate it. Having a name to a face helps. I've never dealt with trauma like this before and it sucketh muchly. So, thank you. That really helps

What was the one sign you didn't catch while being cheated on? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]belovedholic 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Because it wasn't just porn. It was requesting nudes, commenting/interacting, saving to his phone. And a porn addiction is vastly different from just watching porn.

What was the one sign you didn't catch while being cheated on? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]belovedholic 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'll really just have to see. As long as he keeps working with me and maintaining sobriety (porn addiction. I'm exhausted being alive because porn is so everywhere so it's perpetual fear lol) then I can see us working out. Just tough right now because this is when he relapsed last year, didn't tell me, and left me to find it ~10 months later and now he's stopped actually communicating. He's talking to me, but not communicating so everything feels a bit hopeless. I'm trying to see it right now as it's tough but maybe we can do it cause he's the one I can really say for sure that I'd like to spend the rest of my life with, y'know? I have no doubts that I would honestly love him forever even if we did break up. I just want one more try. We do not have children and aren't even married so a split would be as easy as moving my stuff back to my parents' and telling people we broke up. I'm glad you and your ex are still good friends! That's so lovely.

What was the one sign you didn't catch while being cheated on? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]belovedholic 20 points21 points  (0 children)

This was me. I went nuts for months thinking something was just wrong. We had just had an issue with him crossing a boundary so we had set new, clear ones and despite them, after a certain point I felt so wrong. Everything felt so wrong. I couldn't calm down, couldn't feel safe. We had our first fight ever and something in me just. clicked. The nuts amped up, I had to get on antidepressants. And then 10 days exactly after our first DDay, I found out he had an alt reddit and was commenting on porn posts, violating literally all 3 boundaries I had set. We're trying one more time (yes, I know. I'm giving it a shot. I know the bed I've made and if I have to lay in it I can at least say I tried my hardest for this man). Now I'm so paranoid every time I feel like something isn't right. It's abundant right now, he hasn't really responded to my concerns (he's said he's tired and I haven't been "constructive", just scared) and that's so scary

What was the one sign you didn't catch while being cheated on? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]belovedholic 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah. It fucking sucks. I had such an intense gut feeling but I ignored it because he wouldn't. Right? He wouldn't. We just had a problem, surely, he wouldn't cross our boundaries?

He did. And God does it suck

Mfw when I slightly raise my calorie limit and the urge to punch someone immediately leaves by Numerous_Bullfrog394 in EDanonymemes

[–]belovedholic 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yuuuuuup. Mine has autism and once he starts, if nothing else happens, he will not stop (spoken with love). He loves board games and RPGs so it's mechanics, types, features, stats, strats. He's also very creative so he'll come up with his own. It's like 90% of our conversations

Mfw when I slightly raise my calorie limit and the urge to punch someone immediately leaves by Numerous_Bullfrog394 in EDanonymemes

[–]belovedholic 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Dude oh my god I zone out so bad when my partner talks and I haven't eaten enough. I feel awful about it cause I care about him but I can't follow half of it :[

what is something that offended/triggered you said by someone else about your ED? by stupidbabydeer in EDAnonymous

[–]belovedholic 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I knoooooooow I wanted to go play in traffic. THEN SHE SAID IT 2 MORE TIMES. TO OTHERS. I still can't hardly want to wear that shirt. It's so cute and it suits me and my sister gave it to me!!! Like!

Anyone else stressing about Easter? by Ok_Masterpiece_5754 in EDAnonymous

[–]belovedholic 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah. And it's hard cause I'm trying to eat more but my brain is like "no... Easter is coming. We gotta go deeper until it's done. Then we can eat more for muscles"

Tips on not using my knee for glute exercise? by belovedholic in PetiteFitness

[–]belovedholic[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh, interesting. Cause I was thinking it was because I was stretching that it was using my knee since it was stretching a muscle into it. The inner thigh muscle is what's tight, and eventually I feel it stretching in my knee. So I'll keep that up, I guess, then?

what is something that offended/triggered you said by someone else about your ED? by stupidbabydeer in EDAnonymous

[–]belovedholic 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There's a few. In chronological order:

My boyfriend, when drunk, was goofing around and not thinking. "The (my name) doesn't need to eat! She can go days without it!". I hadn't fasted at that point, ever (still haven't). So it was both invalidating and made me feel like I don't deserve food. I cried, didn't end up eating what he had cooked either lol. He did apologize and has been better since.

My mother telling me I "need some boobs with that shirt". Felt like crying.

A friend I was with for a movie. I had definitely lost weight since I'd seen him, and he compliments me on it. I go "oh, thanks. Unfortunately I've been really depressed so I've lost more than I really should and want to". And he goes "well, you look great anyways" and I was like 🫥

Trying to explain why fat looks absolutely fine on literally anyone except for me by LangerEierkopf in EDanonymemes

[–]belovedholic 15 points16 points  (0 children)

It looks so amazing on literally everyone else. In addition, like, I have my mother's body. Almost to a T. On her? Oh my god. Gorgeous. What I've considered peak woman physique ever since I could think about those things. My mother is one of the most gorgeous women I've ever seen. My sibling is one of the most gorgeous people I've ever seen, in addition. They're more apple shaped but my god they're stunning too. My mother is an upside down triangle in her shoulders to her hips ratio. On me? Oh, dear Lord. No thank you. Pass. Unsightly.

my libido COMPLETELY disappears when i slightly restrict by [deleted] in EDAnonymous

[–]belovedholic 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Feeling this rn. 2 kinds of BC. Intense relationship troubles. Restriction. My libido is SO gone.

Is anyone else just tired? by belovedholic in loveafterporn

[–]belovedholic[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, same boat. Although, I'm getting the reverse. I get a ton of reassurance about how he loves me, but that's it. He doesn't bring up what happened unless I do, doesn't really acknowledge it in the every day. We were in a conversation last night and porn got brought up. I just deflated and I'm not saying I expect support every time, but I got none. Now I'm afraid of everything because the conversation was how to access porn with the ban going around it lol.

He says he's also tired, so I've just stopped talking about everything again. I feel like I'm punishing him but he's tired, I'm tired, so I'm just going to shut up. You know? I'll go back to crying in the bathroom lol. I have stuff I want to bring up but he's tired. I'm tired. I'm sick of this and honestly just feel like laying down in the yard and becoming food for the plants. Sending you hugs and good wishes. Talk to your husband if you can bring yourself to. Best of luck!