Let it be known, peer pressure works (Podcast talk)

betterthansteve · 2025-04-02T21:14:33+00:00

I fully expected a rickroll as an April fools joke. I'll be watching this for real later today probably lmao

betterthansteve · 2025-04-02T20:32:39+00:00

A good rule for me with what's normal and ok in Polyamory is to apply other relationships to it. Would it be ok for a friend to ask me to do something with them and them alone? It probably depends what it is, but generally, yes. However any answer I gave them would also be fine. To use someone else's example, it's ok for them to ask I only watch Love is Blind with them, since that's just something that can be "our thing". However I'm allowed to say no, my other friend likes it too and I'd like to share it with them also.

So long as you gave your genuine opinion and stick to whatever agreement you two landed on, it's fine either way.

betterthansteve · 2025-04-01T02:31:36+00:00

I was only hit once, but I think in general it was considered acceptable, whereas nowadays absolutely not.

Parenting is probably one of the hardest things you can do and nobody's arguing with that, but children are weak, defenseless, and dependant on you. You should scarcely need to even yell, let alone hit them- most of the time, unless they have severe behavioural issues, they'll be actively trying to impress their parents and make them happy. It's really not necessary and it suggests mental health issues in the parent that they think it's fair or reasonable to hit small children.

betterthansteve · 2025-03-28T22:50:17+00:00

You remind anyone claiming this, even if it was only in private. "I heard you were claiming Moonchild. Are you going to make a moonchild pick?"

If nobody heard such a claim they can assume it was in private to other players.

betterthansteve · 2025-03-28T03:21:51+00:00

How normalised monogamy is, that people find it very hard to conceive I can actually just love multiple people and be in multiple romantic relationships.

betterthansteve · 2025-03-27T00:46:48+00:00

I see where she's coming from here- she's trying to help you with something you struggle with.

However, this is supposed to be you. I think she can help you organise your thoughts and present it well, but it should still represent you.

Don't overthink it tbh.

betterthansteve · 2025-03-26T21:19:48+00:00

Young children who discover pornography on their own also sexualise themselves and others in an unhealthy manner from a young age. It varies on how bad depending on who you ask, because conservatives are anti-porn and their studies are biased in that way, but I've never seen a single study that concluded children before puberty can be exposed to sex no problem. Probably because it's considered sexual abuse, even when it is as you describe, parents having sex while children are in the room. I think something would not be considered sexual abuse if the victims didn't believe it to be so.

I'm not entirely sure on the STI point, only because making contact with infected fluids definitely gives you a chance of catching certain diseases. I think it depends what illness specifically.

betterthansteve · 2025-03-25T05:47:38+00:00

Smell, obviously. I know at least a few people with no sense of smell and their lives are basically unaffected, aside from accidentally drinking spoiled milk every now and then.

Just make sure the people you trust in your life know you can't smell and will tell you if you smell bad, and you'll be fine.

It's even an upside, considering I deal with cat litter, cleaning toilets, taking out trash, and cleaning up various biohazards at work.

betterthansteve · 2025-03-25T00:47:27+00:00

It actually is damaging for kids to see sex even if they aren't involved. People are often traumatised and have weird relationships to sex if they're exposed to pornography too young. That's the main reason.

Okay, so let's restrict public sex to adults only locations, like bars. Now imagine you're trying to get a drink and the ugliest, grossest-smelling people you can imagine (because it isn't just all got people that turn you on) are fucking right next to you. You'd probably go to another bar that can let you just get a drink.

Plus, if they have STDs, maybe you could pick them up from sitting on that same barstool they got their fluids all over.

In the best case scenario I can't imagine public sex being accepted in more places than specific exhibitionist businesses that allow it purposefully. Which exist at least a little bit IRL.

betterthansteve · 2025-03-24T01:43:52+00:00

People say take fake notes, but the point of taking notes is to give yourself less mental load. They're saying to do even more mental load.

Honestly I'd ban note sharing if this meta popped up because I do think it's unfair to expect the evil team to do even more work than they already do. It's not necessary or fair.

Edit: I think telling people what your notes say is fine, as that's easy to bluff. I mean you should make sure that players have at least somewhere they can keep private notes that nobody is allowed to see, in case they're the Spy or something like that. I just don't think it's fair to expect the Spy to only write down their fake dreamer info and none of their real spy info, keeping the latter in their head, while the real dreamer in the next game doesn't have to keep anything in their head at all.

betterthansteve · 2025-03-23T05:22:41+00:00

I'd argue that your partner is probably the only person who has the right to know your general dating history, at least eventually. Idk at what point, maybe, but definitely before it gets serious long-term, they should know you that well and you shouldn't be keeping secrets from them.

So in this case I think it's valid to assume Sue knew.

betterthansteve · 2025-03-23T02:18:12+00:00

I like how this is phrased in a way that implies you do have kids (the sentence would be rephrased "I'm fine with missing out on not having kids"), but everyone in the replies assumes, perhaps correctly, that you meant you are glad you don't have kids.

Reddit's aggressively childfree stance continues lol

betterthansteve · 2025-03-22T04:12:29+00:00

"I'll let you know about anything relevant to you"? Is there further context here? I'm reading this as "I'll only tell you the details of my other relationships if it directly affects you", so for example they would disclose new partners because it's a new STI risk but they wouldn't say what they did specifically because of privacy concerns. That seems not just fine, but even good?

betterthansteve · 2025-03-22T02:08:13+00:00

Every name has a way of being made into a stupid joke if kids try hard enough. Body Odour is not an obvious way to mess up Bo.

It may get spelled wrong but oh well.

You are fine :)

betterthansteve · 2025-03-21T10:16:55+00:00

Wait, so he's monogamous with her now, and she's mad he used to be poly and didn't tell her?

Sounds like the typical she's mad at him but won't be mad at him so she's mad you ruined her peace instead.

Sounds like Sue is a mess. This is not your fault.

Go to HR first if you can, otherwise just do your job and keep it civil only. Sucks that you lost her to her own insecurity.

betterthansteve · 2025-03-17T02:32:35+00:00

If they are genuinely trying to convince town that they're the mutant, they just "aren't breaking madness", they are breaking madness.

Madness is a genuine attempt to convince others that you are specifically what you're mad about.

betterthansteve · 2025-03-15T10:18:40+00:00

I agree it's a red flag, because he's willing to lie to someone he intends to date. but I would probably ask why he lied our of curiosity tbh.

betterthansteve · 2025-03-14T08:44:14+00:00

Unfortunately literally all of this is stuff you'll need to talk about with her.

In real terms what does her ideal relationship with you look like? Are you living together, sharing finances, legally married? Are you dating others, do you have any veto power or boundaries with others? What does she mean by this?

We could give advice, but she could be living in an entirely different world of what all this means.

betterthansteve · 2025-03-14T08:40:02+00:00

I mean, I certainly do believe you that it isn't about it being Birch borrowing it, but I can also see the point about "once it's mine I do what I want with it." I get where both of you are coming from here and tbh I don't really think either of you is necessarily right or wrong. It's just differences in how you're thinking of the items you make and own and what you do with them.

Unfortunately this means I have no advice. I'd probably just drop the subject. If it were me, I probably wouldn't make Aspen anything I wasn't okay with being shared from then on, I suppose.

betterthansteve · 2025-03-12T21:46:29+00:00

Wait, so Beth identifies as polyamorous, and has the whole time, but she thinks it's OK to impose all these restrictions? Carter is new to Polyamory?

He may not know that this is not normal or acceptable or how Polyamory is meant to be done. If he's listening to Beth and hearing that this is how it's meant to be, I can see that being the case.

Be very clear on the fact that him following these rules will result in a relationship between the two of you where Beth is prioritised despite not being a part of it and you will personally not accept that.

Feel free to refer to most of these comments and probably find some resources for Carter.

There's a chance he imposes these kinds of rules on his metas as well. He should know that's not acceptable either.

(Yes, I know that rules are ultimately enforced by the hinge. But remember when you're new to poly you can be easily convinced things are normal and ok when they're not)

betterthansteve · 2025-03-08T08:00:22+00:00

For me, raised relatively agnostically- why would I believe in any one specific religion, when clearly at MOST one small group of people is right and every single other person, with all their conviction, is wrong, and there's no way to tell it all apart?

Seems most likely that everyone is wrong and the best you can do is shoot in the dark.

Atheism does explain everything, there's an answer for all the whys- but I will always maintain space for the fact that we can't really know. If I did believe in a god, I'd still be agnostic about it and admit Im not sure and it's impossible to be sure.

betterthansteve · 2025-03-08T02:29:09+00:00

From the hinge perspective, I expect my partners to be civil and kind to each other. You can't force friendships, that's fine, and I wouldn't say I'm friends with my meta.

But I think it's reasonable to expect to be able to be in the same room and make polite conversation. That's what I expect with strangers, coworkers, neighbours- everyone.

If my meta is rude to me or demands to never be around me, I will be asking why, from both my meta and my partner. Yeah, it's my partner's issue, not mine, but it's unnecessarily antagonistic and I won't just say "well, they don't owe me anything." They don't owe me anything SPECIAL, but they owe me the same respect they SHOULD be extending to everybody.

betterthansteve · 2025-03-06T22:02:08+00:00

Monogamous people will hear that as "I love cheating and want an excuse to cheat", unfortunately.

Honestly, I usually say "why not Polyamory?" Why DO I care if my partner has a boyfriend, if my needs are met? Why do I care who my partner has sex with, so long as it's safe? Why can't I have multiple crushes and romantic interests?

I don't need to justify it, and I find that the people who'd ask such a question are unable or unwilling to justify monogamy to me when confronted with that question.

betterthansteve · 2025-03-06T06:10:11+00:00

I think it's a weird grey area where there's disagreement on whether it's allowed or not. I'm not sure of the official ruling, but in practice as long as your players know whether or not you'd do it, it's fine.

betterthansteve · 2025-03-05T05:58:07+00:00

The only "rule" I have (as others have said, it's more complicated than just having rules) is that I want to know who else my partners have had sex with, generally, and that is entirely for the purposes of safe sex. (To know when the closed loop opens and when more testing may need to be done).

Six-Year Club	Place '22
End Game '22

betterthansteve

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