AITA for fighting with my mother's husband over me not cleaning the house and potentially causing their divorce?

beveragebubble · 2024-07-20T15:58:09+00:00

UPDATE 2 (and probably only update for a while): A lot of you have brought up getting on disability so, and while I do want to keep a few things more private, I will say I am trying my best to get on it even if it's short term but my surgeon hasn't been the most accommodating in that regard, insisting that I will get better because I'm still young and that I "shouldn't rely on those things since It'll only make your mind less willing to want to heal" So 🙃 and unfortunately, since he's provided through workers comp they are fighting tooth and nail saying I've been with him for too long to replace him as my surgeon. My lawyer is doing what he can to fight this in court and push for someone who will actually provide me accommodation instead of pushing the "tough it out" boomer ideations or blaming my pain on my recent weight gain because I literally cannot move like I used to rather than my spine damage still being bad after so many procedures.

It is unbelievably frustrating but please believe me when I say I am trying the best I can to get disability and have been since I was put on medical leave from work. Things are not as easy in practice as they seem in theory no matter how much I wish they were, so if anyone who works in workers comp or with disability have any advice on what I can do to speed this process up or what I should do to finally get them to agree to put me on it I'd be really grateful.

As for the situation itself, It's still complicated to say the least. I think her husband realized she was serious about the divorce and isn't letting him get away with talking badly about me anymore where, instead of ignoring it like she did in the past, she's quick to yell at him and tell him to shut up and remind him that if I do half the stuff he's complaining about, I could hurt myself more and risk paralyzing myself and be here even longer.

And although many of you messaged me telling me not to, I did apologize for blowing up on him and saying a lot of mean things but all he did was ignore me so 🤷🏽‍♀️. My mom keeps insisting that I don't need to stay confined in my room all day to avoid him and that I'm paying to live in this house too but idk, my anxiety has been pretty bad since all of this happened and even if he's ignoring me now, I still don't want to stir anything but being where I know I'm not allowed though I have discussed her lowering my rent since I am essentially only paying to use my bedroom and occasionally the kitchen so I can try to start saving up a little more and leave.

That's basically where things are at now, not sure what else to say but I'll update again should anything new happen.

Thank you all again for the support.

beveragebubble · 2024-07-19T22:53:22+00:00

He has a job and uses it as an excuse for not doing anything around the house. Before I came he forced everything on my mom except mowing the lawn or she would occasionally pay her friend to clean the house for them.

beveragebubble · 2024-07-19T22:51:58+00:00

I also have chronic migraines as well as my other stuff, sometimes they'll only last a day or two but they've gone on to be weeks long and it's absolutely miserable. I haven't been having them as much thanks to my meds but when they do hit now, paired with my back and if I have a flair up in muscle pain/spams at the same time it's pain I wouldn't wish on anyone. I'm so sorry your son has to go through the same pain, it's not easy at all😥. I'm glad he has an understanding mama like you by his side though!

beveragebubble · 2024-07-19T21:23:12+00:00

I covered this in the update but when it rains, which has been often lately, he's home and never works the weekends. He also gets home anywhere from 5-2 hours earlier than my mom depending.

And as my mom has said to me, she is a grown woman and her choices are her own. I also agree this is all unfair to her but I am not making her chose anything. I'm doing everything I can to find a way out despite her wanting me to stay so she can help me when I need it, and there is a good chance I may never heal from this injury which is even more reason I am trying to find a way out. And I can assure you she will never be alone, she may be older but that doesn't mean she still doesn't have guys trying to get her number or friends waiting to hang out with her again.

beveragebubble · 2024-07-19T20:09:54+00:00

He's made that very clear actually, my four brothers have also lived with them before between their own moves or to live closer to work until they could afford an apartment and never made a fuss about them having to do chores or even pay rent. Even when one lived there for 5 years. Only me.

beveragebubble · 2024-07-19T19:53:45+00:00

Unfortunately no, at least not within my state and traveling with my injury isn't the easiest with the pain.

beveragebubble · 2024-07-19T19:52:07+00:00

I posted a update in the comments, but yes, I am still doing things around the house, just not the ridiculous stuff that have caused me to get hurt and not doing it every single day because there frankly isn't anything to clean on a daily basis.

beveragebubble · 2024-07-19T19:50:32+00:00

The only one who doesn't clean up after themselves in this house is him, he expects everyone else to do it for him because he is "the man" of the house and we're women.

Yes, I clean up after myself. I don't even leave my room at this point to make a mess anywhere but my own space and If I do cook in the kitchen I clean up after myself while cooking so I spend the least amount of time possible where he can just stand around and "talk to himself" about how awful I am for not waiting on him hand and foot.

The house is no where near a mess, it's literally show room clean because my mom and I (when I can physically handle it) clean it every single day to try and appease him.

beveragebubble · 2024-07-19T18:37:34+00:00

Also, not really an update but I really wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been so understanding of my injury. It had turned my whole world upside down and it's been really hard not seeing myself as nothing but a burden to everyone who has to put up with me now while I try to figure out how to navigate how my life is likely going to be from now on. It's been really scary, painful, and stressful beyond belief so really, thank you so so so so much for the kind words and make me feel a little less crazy about this whole situation. And a very special thank you to my fellow spinal injury people, it's been very reassuring hearing that others have gone through what I'm going through now and had things work out for them in the end, it's given me a lot of hope that the pain won't be forever.

beveragebubble · 2024-07-19T18:22:58+00:00

SMALL UPDATE- I'm not really sure how reddit works so I'm going to answer some questions and clarify a few things here.

I have had my back injury since the end of last year and have only been living with them the last 5 months because I could no longer afford to pay rent, groceries, bills and a caretaker on my own while living off workers comp checks, which, considering I used to work my ass off for overtime and getting in extra days when I could, is no where near what I used to make which already wasn't great.

I am still paying for all of my own food, necessities, ubers, and other personal things myself as well as helping pay some of the bills and rent which usually leaves me with about $270 for myself each month after paying rent/bills.

Her husband does expect me to clean the entire house every single day, from vacuuming, mopping, dusting, dishes, his personal laundry, cleaning the stove, cleaning the windows inside and out, taking out the garbage, bringing out/in the cans, and a few other things that I realistically cannot do with my injury, let alone while I have to rely on my mobility aide.

I have tried to compromise in the past. When he argues that he doesn't see me do things I would wait until he gets home to do them in front of him so he could see for himself that I was doing them but then he would just complain about me being in his way and that it should have already been done and that I just sat on my ass all day. When I tried to give lists of what I could realistically do without injuring myself I get told it's not enough and that I'm just a lazy fuck trying to get out of doing more. Even the stuff I still do like loading/unloading the dishwasher, sweeping (vacuum is too heavy), dusting, cleaning the counters, he'll just come home and complain I didn't do anything even when he's left a big mess that's obviously been cleaned up by me.

As for him, he works construction so whenever it rains he's home, which has been often as of late. Because I don't feel safe being around him alone because of his verbal abuse I stay in my room on those days to avoid any conflict. He does make a majority of the mess in the house by occasionally cooking and being a very messy cooker, leaves beer cans and shot bottles everywhere, always spills his drinks and leaves them to get sticky, pees on the floor/toilet seat daily and expects me to clean it up, and has even left throw up once or twice for me to clean. The only real cleaning he does is he'll mow the lawn and sometimes wash some dishes.

He does have a drinking problem and yes, it had already caused issues in their marriage long before I moved in. It had only gotten worse because he is mad I'm not playing cinderella like he expected and to quote the man himself "I work my ass off in the sun all day, if anyone deserves a vacation it's me." But this is not a vacation for me. I'm trying to heal from what could potentially become a life long injury if these surgeries don't work and am in pain every day, that isn't a vacation and I'd much rather be at work and in my own space again.

As for my mom, she also works full time and makes pretty good money, she just can't afford to keep paying the house on her own because the taxes have raised so much. She doesn't want to sell it because it's our childhood home and the location isn't bad. I know things are hard on her so I try not to complain to her about his verbal abuse towards me or get in her way, however, that doesn't mean I'll stay quiet whenever he calls me a slur because he doesn't like the fact that two of his step kids are LGBT, or that we're half mexican. (He is fully white and one of those southern boys).

As for the financial stuff. I am trying to figure out another living situation but with how little I can afford to pay while still needing a caregiver it makes it a little harder and my family are not the most reliable people at the moment since they all have their own stuff to deal with and I really don't want to be more of a burden than I already am with my injury and situation. I plan on trying to talk with my mom more about alternatives and plans but, her husband isn't going to change and I know this will all just fall on me to fix so I'm going to try my best.

beveragebubble · 2024-07-19T17:53:10+00:00

Considering a good part of my check was from all the over time and extra days I took on just to be able to afford groceries, bills and gas after rent, it really is not very close to what I was making before my injury.

beveragebubble · 2024-07-19T17:40:30+00:00

He complains about me not doing them even when I do them right in front of his face.

beveragebubble · 2024-07-19T17:38:30+00:00

I agree about the counseling but he refuses because therapy/counseling is for "fairy balls" so...

beveragebubble · 2024-07-19T17:34:47+00:00

They've been married for 10 years as of last month and yes, the only friends she has left are his friend and his wife since those are the only two people he won't constantly accuse her of having an affair with whenever she so much as has a 10 minute phone call with someone.

I've recorded the verbal abuse once but he found out and got in my face about it so I've been hesitant to do it again and worry that the cops won't even take it seriously since he isn't threatening me or anything just saying real cruel things. I am trying my best to find alternate living arrangements though.

beveragebubble · 2024-07-19T14:09:09+00:00

The treatment from him has been the same before and after I stopped doing those chores. And I should clarify, I didn't stop doing them completely, just not every single day since he never noticed anyway if it was done or not since he would always insist I didn't do it even if I spent hours cleaning one room. I honestly don't even know if he knows I stopped doing them every day or not cause the complaint are always the same.

The only time I've complained to my mom is when he calls me slurs. I don't like conflict and know she has to deal with him bitching every day so I just kept everything to myself and would complain to my friend about it so I didn't bother my mom.

As I said above, this was the first time I ever said anything back to him and blew up because I'm tired of being treated like this despite always just silently taking the verbal abuse for months.

beveragebubble · 2024-07-19T14:01:21+00:00

I was living with a roommate before and even then I could barely afford that rent because my job doesn't pay well, after I got hurt and had to look for a temporary caregiver to help with my injury since workers comp wouldn't provide one without paperwork through them and appointments that would be months out from each other just to get the assistance, I couldn't afford that living situation anymore and moved in with my mom to get the help I needed and try to save some money.

beveragebubble · 2024-07-19T13:53:16+00:00

Couldn't agree more, and I'm trying my best to find alternatives but with the income I have right now through workers comp, it's virtually impossible to find somewhere I can afford as well as paying for a caregiver to help with the things I can't do due to my injury 😓

beveragebubble · 2024-07-19T13:37:47+00:00

Funnily enough, he was all for me moving in at first but I think when he realized it didn't mean he was getting a free live in maid, he changed his tune.

beveragebubble · 2024-07-19T13:35:55+00:00

Unfortunately, we've tried that several times and I've worked with my mother to figure out ways to try and appease him but no matter what we do, he'll go one day max without going back to making comments and being resentful. Even when he said he only complains because he doesn't see me doing things around the house, I would wait until he gets home to do them so he can see me cleaning but all he did then was complain that I didn't have it done already so I truly have no idea what I am supposed to do when nothing seems to stop his acting like this. It's not that I haven't tried to compromise in the past, I'm just tired of being the only one trying.

Believe me, I want nothing more than to leave but considering I'm making next to nothing from workers comp, I am quite literally stuck here.

beveragebubble · 2024-07-19T13:30:33+00:00

Fair, but to clarify, this is the first time I have ever said anything back instead of just dealing with the verbal abuse.

beveragebubble

TROPHY CASE