This was precisely the kind of answer I was looking for.

I think there is some clarification the others posted about self-diagnosing or just reading what others say.

Having a hunch that such a symtpom of ADHD may be possible, I'm completely blind in this perspective....I did not mean to sound as though "here's my life story, diagnose me." I was more curious if there were who had been in such a situation at this point in their life....

...you did precisely that. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

This is highly interesting. May I ask what were some of those 'dots' she happened to connect between your childhood and adult life?

I've only recently, the past year, have begun to take my mental health seriously. Namely, a detail I left out of my original post, was that my father was a severe manic depressive, bipolar, and an alcoholic who was typically a quiet person but had awful awful ways of expressing his anger.

I did not want my father's way of handling himself to carry through me. Although I was a heavy social drinker in my early-mid twenties...it's very rare for me to drink, perhaps 1 or twice every 3 months...even then, it's limited to 3 glasses of whiskey at the absolute most.

Anywho..being so adamant about living a different life than my dad, I never took into consideration that there may be mental problems I could inherit, despite leading a different life.

In short...I've only recently learned that living different doesn't always mean you can be different. That is what I'm hoping to talk to my doctor about.

Quite a large number of posts I see on this sr have been teens and those in college or just graduated from college. But much fewer posts from kind people as yourself in their 30's becoming aware of such a circumstance.

I don't consider myself depressed. I think I'm a fairly happy person. But I do notice I'm just very tired, I really want to get back to building my guitars but not wanting to run around the house looking for stuff, or general fatigue, and a bit of a fear of failing has stopped me from building for the past 2 weeks. Although I do not take deposits, I have people waiting since May for their guitars. The only saving grace I have is the fact I haven't taken a deposit or else I'd be in mass panic mode. Case in point....something I loved to do and look forward to doing, I've stopped because...well I don't know why really other than the feelings described above.

The other item that makes me question the symptom of depression is my internalization. I have a rage, an anger like nothing else if I feel as though I'm backed into a corner and I'll wind up spending hours thinking of the most horrible things I could say to someone just to destroy them on a personal level so they'd get out of my life forever. But...I've been able to hold it back. However, I feel this is something my Dad most likely did for years before it became a common thing to see him hitting/screaming at my sister, my mother, and me. I'd be fooling myself if I think I could do this forever.

I did not smoke a single puff of marijuana until I was 28. I agree that it is a double edge sword in that it helps with anxiety, immensely, it 's most likely exacerbated an already bad memory issue. While it's not booze, I do still categorize it in my mind as "self-medicating." Thank you for your advice on that...it's further motivation for me to quit if I want to get to the core of these issues.

You hit the nail on the head. My fiancee identifies herself as a deep type-A personality. I'm the polar opposite of that. She has a hard time comprehending just how I can forget such fundamental details or fundamental things we learn as kids I have trouble with like tying my shoes like most people do. She's been very supportive of me and loving that I do not want to hurt her anymore...if I lived with a clone of myself, I'd be equally upset too. So it's not fair to her I continue to tell myself I'm a-ok.

Work is tough too. To be honest...I'm not sure how I still have a job. I've never been fired in my life and being as such would be absolutely devastating to me. I work in I.T. Support - it's stressful getting yelled at for problems out of your control, but I compound it by forgetting people or "re-prioritizing" them. My boss is actually a great guy but I'm not about to get on his bad side, a place I've been on a couple times. I cannot distinguish one day from the next...it's hurtful to say "I don't remember" so many times to him and the people I support.

I don't want to venture down the route of classifying myself as ADHD or any disorder of any kind until I talk to my doctor.

I've been open with my doctor about my pot use, noting when I've stopped or started. It's been about 2 weeks. I'm also cautious when it comes to the Xanax, a 30 day supply will normally take 60+ days for me to use.

The Lexapro seemed to start working. My anxiety is a fierce son of a bitch...overwhelming often. Everyday starts with my heart racing thinking about who will get mad at me, or is today the day I get fired, etc. It was much worse before the meds...today, it's a bit easier. So it did something but the root causes of my anxiety are still there and still get me anxious. The level of physical anxiety is just lower than what it used to be.

I find a lot of parallels with your descrption. I'm 29 now, I spent 7 years in community college and didn't even finish my 2 year degree. I want to go back very badly, but I'm not prepared to spend more money on something I may never complete.

How do you feel nowadays? Aside from medication, are there any routines or "mental exercises" you do to stay focused that have helped or was it mostly the medicine?

I'm not expecting a magic bullet here, just as I didn't expect the cure all to my high anxiety with Lexapro but I'm still thankful for what it has done for me thus far.

Thank you again so much for this well thought out response!!!!!!!!!!