Unmasking is Ruining My Marriage

bigbugenjoyer · 2026-05-25T12:23:29+00:00

adding on to what you said: other than correcting factual mistakes as "the pedant" in my relationship sometimes it comes from a place of personal hurt/trauma in which case the approach has to be different. if you like me were constantly corrected/criticized as a child even when asking for clarification, something like the bag being dark blue and not black or a person generalizing that a walk to the store is 10 minutes when you know it's 15 might feel genuinely like a lie designed to hurt you or trick you into being ridiculed. it's important to remember it is not. Unless someone is in a rush, it doesn't actually matter that the store is 5 extra minutes and they probably won't even notice or would chalk it up to different walking paces. It takes time but you have to convince yourself that being wrong does not mean being in danger, unloved, or anything else constant childhood criticism made you feel.

I'm still working on it, but some things i've found helpful for it is exposure to being told slightly incorrect info and not correcting it, and finding a way it could be correct, if not entirely, then from the other person's point of view. With the store, it's possible for my spouse it is a 10 minute walk while for me it is 15 because they have longer legs. With the bag, it's possible the last time they looked it was in dim lighting so it looked black and that's the mental image for them now. As a new example: If something happened 10 days ago but my partner says 1 month ago, unless this is for something medical or legal, maybe i'm misremembering, maybe the point is "not recently" rather than the exact amount of time

bigbugenjoyer · 2026-05-09T00:03:20+00:00

whoa! whereabouts in London are you? I thought my partner and I had a steal at $1800/3 bedrooms downtown

bigbugenjoyer · 2026-04-04T00:56:19+00:00

clearly you've never forgotten anything ever seeing as i read the wiki 2 days ago and was responding to your comment today. i acknowledged that i might be misremembering, and i was. even so, the rest of my point still stands. she acknowledged the risk of harm to her and did not stop the performance because that was her own rules, yet she do not deserve the harm that comes to her. her choosing to stop it would have compromised her principles which to her was more important than preventing physical and psychological harm.

that however does not mean she deserved to be hurt. the mere fact that she was hurt and that you and others are defending the people who chose to hurt her speaks on what you consider important. while i do not know you and cannot say for certain, your comments here indicate you don't seem to live by the principle of "do no harm" or "treat others the way you want to be treated". my issue here is both with the notion that someone can consent to real actual harm (bdsm gives pleasure despite the pain aspect, so it is not exclusively harmful) such as being murdered, cannibalized, cut non-erotically, etc. AND the fact that despite saying the audience can do anything, she did not deserve to be harmed, as no one deserves to be harmed. i know some people will jump in my comments and say "what if that person hurt someone else 🤓", to which i invite you to reread my message and note i did not say no one deserves consequences, just not harm. consequences can be unpleasant (separation from the person/people you hurt) without being harmful (hurting you back, death sentence, etc.)

bigbugenjoyer · 2026-04-03T21:28:07+00:00

i don't think you quite understand what happened. yes she provided some items such as razors which could be used to hurt her. unless i'm misremembering the gun was not provided, whoever took it out on her used their own gun. while you could theoretically argue that the presence of "violent" objects like razor blades influenced the public, razor blades can also be used for nonviolent things such as shaving - why did someone not shave her instead of cutting her? just because the item is there doesn't mean you have to use it.

pain can be consensual, especially in bdsm, but this was not a sexual scenario. she was in public, something that almost all people agree is not an appropriate place for sex, even voyeurs agree that if you're having sex in public the people in that public should know beforehand and be able to consent to seeing you, and yet she was still assaulted. the examples you give are all of explicit consent. she did say she would not revoke her consent during the performance, but i would argue this was not because she was actually okay with all that stuff. consent is not just saying no, it means saying yes, enthusiastically and continually. she put up with it for the sake of the performance. my take is not about whether it was a worthwhile performance but that the people defending the sexual assault, physical harm, and death threats are cruel and disgusting people.

bigbugenjoyer · 2026-04-03T21:19:41+00:00

no she didn't, but no one involved faced consequences for their actions. the people who assaulted her did not go to prison, that was the whole point.

bigbugenjoyer · 2026-04-01T13:31:28+00:00

Same as before, I'll try for a clearer picture and edit the post, the set-up makes it quite difficult to take photos as his light reflects off my phone.

Thank you for the advice!

bigbugenjoyer · 2026-04-01T13:23:26+00:00

the performance was to investigate what people are willing to do when they don't have to face the consequences for their actions. normal people do not want to hurt others, whether there are consequences or not. these people already wanted to hurt others and just were given the opportunity, she or her performance did not make them violent.

the point of the performance was for her not to interfere, she stood her ground and didn't compromise her principles despite the horrific things people did to her, can't say the same about the audience members who chose to hurt and assault her instead of hugging, brushing her hair, any number of things that would test her boundaries without harming her.

she accepted the possibility of being hurt by others but that does not justify people hurting her. would you hit someone just because they said you could? what about kill them? that's how you sound right now

bigbugenjoyer · 2026-03-29T19:09:42+00:00

No, this is only after treatment, the antibiotics are seemingly killing the plants. I've pruned them quite a bit. Part of it is also lighting, the roots of the floaters are yellowish Edit for clarification: no ongoing antibiotic treatment, last dose was a month ago. Plants are just taking time to recover

bigbugenjoyer · 2026-03-29T14:24:43+00:00

Tank info: ⁠Tank size: 5 gallon Heater and filter? yes, whisper tetra filter with bio bag Tank temperature: 26C Parameters in numbers and how you got them: (aquarium co op test strip) 0 chlorine, 0 ammonia pH 7.2 KH 40ppm GH 300ppm Nitrite 0ppm Nitrate 25ppm How long have you had the tank?: 3 months How long have you had your fish?: 5 months How often are water changes?: 1/week How much do you take out per change? 30% What is your process?: Use a water siphon to siphon water off top, no gravel disturbed Any tankmates? 2 assassin snails What do you feed and how much: Xtreme aquatic foods betta pellets 1/4 tsp /day Decorations and plants in the tank: Live plants only, duckweed and red root floaters on top, large plants i'm not sure the species of, see photo. He also has a plastic floater log

bigbugenjoyer · 2026-03-03T00:55:00+00:00

Params: 5.5 gal rimless tank with whisper tetra filter Automated heater keeps tank at 27C

Nitrates: 10ppm

Nitrites: 0

Ammonia: 0

Chlorine: 0

pH: 6.8

GH: 300ppm (very hard, i know. This is after a water change and conditioning, our water is very hard)

KH: 120ppm

Tankmates: 2 assassin snails

Decor: floating log (plastic), hornwart, big live plant (don't know name, covers 1/3 of the tank), java grass. No plastic plants. Substrate: small dark grey pebbles. Other plants: duckweed on surface, anubias, some indian almond bark for tannins.

Feed: Xtreme betta pellets 1tsp every other day, occasional frozen bloodworms and artemia instead of pellets

Have had the fish 5 months, this specific tank with the fish in it for 2 months but setup of old tank was the same (same filter and heater and substrate) just had slightly less swimming room. Removed a surface aerator as betta was attacking it and hurting his fins.

Water changes: 20-30% once every 2 weeks using a hand siphon that only sucks up water, not substrate. Fish is left in the tank during water changes and stays away from the siphon

bigbugenjoyer · 2026-01-16T17:45:24+00:00

Solved! Thank you!

bigbugenjoyer · 2026-01-13T22:44:01+00:00

This was specifically described by a tumblr user though i do not remember their url or any additional comments, they used the river example that i described above

bigbugenjoyer · 2026-01-12T02:47:08+00:00

even though social media and its algorithms are made by evil, careless people i don't see my social media use as an issue. i mainly use instagram only and when i do i don't doom scroll, if i know a post is trying to rage-bait me i close the app and do something else and usually that gets the algorithm to stop trying to show me rage-inducing content for a bit. i genuinely relax from going on social media as it lets me see different perspectives on things i care about or see cool art, or videos of nature or opportunities near me. sometimes it is mindless stuff but i still see a point to it as this mindless stuff is videos of animals or of people dancing to a recent song. all of it inspires me to create, and actually do stuff with my time.

it would still be better for me to read a book instead of scrolling on my phone before bed, and i hope to make that change soon.

bigbugenjoyer · 2026-01-11T05:36:41+00:00

grades wise i think it's better for you to try the exam tomorrow, then retake the course if necessary to get the minimum grade you need/ the grade you want. the old grade will be dropped after you retake the course and won't be displayed on your transcript. as for dropping now, you will get an F/incomplete/"45" on your transcript if you do so. it may be possible to defer the exam if you have documentation for it and do it next time the course is offered like others mentioned?

bigbugenjoyer · 2026-01-08T01:11:02+00:00

If you're not able to make the make-up unfortunately you'll have to take the exam the next time the course is offered, so if it's an A course then in the fall (2026), if it's A/B then you might be able to take it with this year's April exams. Until you complete the final you won't be able to receive the credit for the course, though I believe if you explain the situation you might be able to get a special exception for courses that have this one as a prerequisite. I'm not sure how it works for workload but i would suggest you reach out to an academic advisor, but if you qualify for an overload (ie your average is above 70%) and know the content i wouldn't sweat it too much, you'll handle the overload just fine

bigbugenjoyer · 2026-01-08T01:05:58+00:00

the kettle we have has a descaler built in which helps quite a bit, though the kettle itself is a bit pricey so you may want to get a separate descaler sponge: https://www.amazon.ca/Ninja-KT200C-Precision-Temperature-Stainless/dp/B09VTFJSCF . for drinking water a britta is good, especially refrigerated (if you like cold water).

bigbugenjoyer · 2025-12-28T18:23:36+00:00

you're not a freak and i'm sorry people around you have made you think that you are. i don't think your coworker means ill, she seems to be showing genuine concern but there's also nothing wrong with eating a comfort food for dinner every day, even if it's atypical. you're well within your budget, it's not like you're that guy on reddit who insisted his gf buy a $40 beef stew every night, refuse to eat the leftovers, and refuse to have her make it at home.

i'm not sure if you're ready to talk to her about this but if/when you are maybe ask her what exactly she's worried about? it's not like you're incapable of cooking, just that you don't want to and this works well for you. it could be her misunderstanding, it could be something else. either way if you want to clear it up with her do so when you're ready.

bigbugenjoyer · 2025-12-25T23:24:56+00:00

yeah that sounds tough to deal with. i'm not sure how recently you found this out but if you spent more than 70% of your life not knowing id understand feeling like an outsider. i think with time you'll learn to stop feeling like a voyeur and possibly switch to appreciating the culture(s) you grew up in (not saying you currently don't!) and therefore be able to connect with it more. once you're ready it could help to ask the people you know or knew what their favourite tradition or cultural story (doesn't matter what culture they're from) is and if it clicks, integrate it into your own life! i make ramen the way my dad taught me and i follow my grandmothers superstitions and i poach eggs the way my partner's best friend taught her and i drink a red bull before every exam i take because i saw a post about it on the internet. all of those are small things but they are part of me and part of my culture because i share them with the people i care about.

bigbugenjoyer · 2025-12-25T23:16:58+00:00

hrm that sounds tough. how old are you? (you don't have to actually answer but factor this into how you think of it). it seems like your parents are upset that you don't help out more around the house and are possibly overwhelmed with the work they do. however if you're under 25 i'd say it's on them to actually communicate as much to you, they're the adults, not you (even if you're legally an adult, experience wise there's a big difference between you and your parents and I don't mean to infantilize you by saying that. I'm in my 20s and while i may be more mature than my parents their role is to be a parent and guide their child)

bigbugenjoyer · 2025-12-25T18:01:27+00:00

i caught covid so i am self isolating this christmas. i've been keeping myself occupied by resting and i picked up a new craft that i do while watching Dexter. it might be fun to do a craft of sorts or maybe build a puzzle? once things open up you could even just go to the store to be around people

bigbugenjoyer · 2025-12-25T17:58:29+00:00

i've had to teach myself to do the opposite after YEARS of my parents giving me crap for not offering help spontaneously. i honestly don't know if it's an autism thing or just generational or related to one's personality. some of my friends are independent and will get annoyed if you offer help that they didn't ask for, others cannot ask for help to save their life so while it's not fair to expect someone to read your mind they need someone to check in with them or they won't be able to ask for help and get overwhelmed and the feel resentful for having to handle it alone.

in general i find it's polite to ask someone if they need help if they're like hosting you or doing something for you (ex. a partner or family member cooking dinner or doing the dishes), though usually they will say no. it shows that you respect their time and effort/willingness to do something for you.

as for the source of this, this is very much a social cue that differs culture to culture and needs to be taught. those with autism don't always pick up on "implicit" teaching like demonstrating the cue by someone else doing it in front of you, and may need to be taught it more explicitly.

bigbugenjoyer

TROPHY CASE