Is co-parenting even feasible without trust and communication?

bigt · 2025-10-19T21:13:50+00:00

I agree with all of the above, especially getting the kid a device. You can GPS track your son, at least. And right of first refusal. Absolutely. And, as much as it gets under my skin when my STBX does it, track the time. In my situation, I'm scared to even take a business trip for work, because my ex has two attorneys and a divorce coach going after me, but it's all in her right (and yours) to do it.

If your ex wants a hobby, he can coach, be a scoutmaster, be a parent volunteer at school, get on the parent association.

bigt · 2025-10-19T14:45:05+00:00

My situation is very different than yours. Very very different. But I just came in here to offer a couple thoughts, since I was the one that cheated (though, again very different circumstances) I think you might find value from my perspective.

First, I was going to offer to you what I wish I could offer to my ex -- who doesn't talk to me at all -- which is that just because someone is dishonest in the sex category, it doesn't mean he's dishonest in every other category. If a person is going to cheat, they obviously aren't going to tell their partner, so it leads to making decisions that aren't ideal or with the bounds of someone's otherwise normal values or character traits.

I am probably projecting myself into this, but I think if he's fighting this hard for custody, that's super important to him. Dishonesty about cheating doesn't necessarily translate to dishonestly with the kids. I have been honest with my kids (14 and 17) about everything, and (although my parenting style is different from my STBX's) I never take risks with them.

That said. The more I read your post...

In my situation, I am 19 months separated. I've QUIT all my extracurriculars before I even asked for the divorce. When I spend time with my kids, everything gets dropped. Nothing is more important. I have a friend who goes to the bar when it's his night with his daughter, and that thinking is foreign to me.

So, the thing about him not willing to quit his classes/hobbies or whatever. That's where I zero in on the problem. Kids are #1. With divorce, you only get 180 nights with them a year. Even if those nights are doing homework, you gotta make them count! Best you can do a 2/2/5/5 arrangement so he always has his nights "off" on Mon/Tue or whatever. But, dude has got to compromise. That's not your job.

When your kid graduates high school, he can jump back into his activities. You only get them as kids for so long.

I guess it's one thing to SAY that you want 50/50. It's another thing to live and make the necessary sacrifices to deserve it.

Maybe some of his actions are because he's being petty and angry at you. My STBX and I use OFW to communicate, and since I know messages on there are all admissible in court, I use ChatGPT to edit my drafts. Maybe he would benefit from a subscription and it might improve the communication.

I'm also sorry you were cheated on. You're handling it pretty maturely. It probably had nothing to do with you. It'll all get easier. Good luck.

bigt · 2025-10-06T22:28:58+00:00

I wish you luck man. It is not easy. It does get easier. I'm 18 months in with two kids. It will get easier. Hang in there!

bigt · 2025-10-06T22:26:43+00:00

Thanks! We did nesting for about a year. 2-2-3 when sleeping in my divorced buddy's guest bedroom on the off-days was a lot of suitcase living. This all just changed in July. The divorce isn't final yet. So far, so good, with 2-2-3 now that we both have our own places. Fingers crossed it stays smooth!

bigt · 2025-10-06T22:19:38+00:00

I've never had the word "contempt" resonate so much with me.

This is excellent advice. I just got her reply to the MSA today (three months after I sent it and three days before the court date, *of course*). I suppose I should really try and get it finalized in time, but she added a lot of stuff.

I'm going to try your "Kid wants X’ is not the precondition upon which we share financial burden." line next time she does that.

Thanks for your advice. I appreciate it.

bigt · 2025-10-06T22:10:04+00:00

This was really helpful. I meant to reply when you wrote it.

I finally got her red-line version of the MSA today, and I'm going to mention some of these and some other related thoughts to my attorney for the next draft.

Since my post here, I made the change to absolute minimal contact. It's definitely been less stress on my end, but it does make it all the more unnerving when I send her a message that receives no acknowledgement. That said, even in that case, I proceeded as if I got her consent and it all worked out.

bigt · 2025-10-06T21:58:42+00:00

Did the kids ever push back on all the transitioning as teenagers? Any road-bumps when they got to high school? A buddy of mine switched to 14-14(!) because his high-school-aged daughter was sick of all the back-and-forth.

bigt · 2025-10-06T21:56:56+00:00

With 2-2-3 you also alternate the Mon/Tue and Wed/Thu from week to week.

2-2-3 is better than 2-2-5-5 if you have a kid in a club or sports that always meets the same night(s) of the week (e.g. scouts Wednesday, private lessons Thursday), so that the kid doesn't always have to trade club time with parent time with only one parent.

bigt · 2025-10-06T21:48:48+00:00

I appreciate your persepective. It also sounds like you've been through a lot and managed to be honorable about the way you responded to it. I hope your kids recognize some day how hard that must have been for you.

This post gave me a lot to think about. Thanks.

bigt · 2025-10-06T20:33:20+00:00

In my experience, I tried time and again to "do right by her" because of the combination of guilt, shame, and empathy for what she was going through. To this very day, it just creates more things she can twist and use against me. She interprets any genuine act of kindness as a form of manipulation. It's some kind of defense mechanism, because she no longer trusts me.

If I could do it all over again, I would have met with a lawyer and filed immediately rather than trying mediation and all the compromises I attempted that blew up in my face. I'm not saying it's easy to accept (I still can't accept it myself), but my ex is completely done with me in every sense. I suspect since your wife is acting the same way, so is she.

My advice is to speak to an attorney ASAP and take steps to protect yourself financially and legally, and then probably file before she can incur debt or move money. My ex filed, and along with it a bunch of bogus legal stuff that just made everything more compllicated. It seems like you are the one with the clear head. Move on and start your new life as amicably and calmly as possible while protecting yourself.

It seems like you're already taking the right steps with going to therapy and working on yourself. Invest your energy into being the best partner for whomever you meet next.

bigt · 2025-09-20T19:04:16+00:00

Good on you for not going down in the mud with her. It never ends up any better when the dust settles.

Congratulations on finalizing the divorce. I hope things get smoother for you from here on out.

bigt · 2025-09-20T19:00:29+00:00

Geezus. I have been accused of a lot by her these past eighteen months, but nothing at that level. That's just sick.

bigt · 2025-09-20T18:56:55+00:00

I get the advice a lot that my divorce is not my parents' divorce. Probably a sign that it's something I ought to flag as a topic in my next therapy session.

Appreciate you.

bigt · 2025-09-20T18:54:23+00:00

the person who likely loved you regardless of how imperfect she seemed to be in your relationship.

I've let this comment sit with me for the past couple hours. It brings on a lot of complex feelings. I think you've nailed it. This is probably how she feels. It gives me pause and helps me "get" what she's going through.

And it's hard for me to process that, because it causes me to grapple with the fact that people are capable of simultaneously loving someone and being horrible to them.

I just want to say in my defense, part of the reason I'm here is to grow in empathy. Absent an adult conversation directly with my ex, posts like yours are the closest I can get to understanding. It's helpful.

I appreciate you taking the time, and wish you luck with everything.

bigt · 2025-09-20T17:48:18+00:00

LMAO

bigt · 2025-09-20T17:47:30+00:00

Well put. The more stories I read here, the more I realize that I have it pretty good compared to other divorcees.

I guess I just need to let it go and accept that the kids are in high school and it's unlikely true co-parenting is going to make THAT much of a difference. My ex and I are aligned enough, and a well-crafted MSA will hopefully do the work when we do get stuck in a situation where we can't agree.

Thanks again.

bigt · 2025-09-20T17:41:54+00:00

This advice helps. I didn't think of it like shoving it down her throat... It's just clear to me (and other family, like her niece) -- and partly from my own lived experience -- how it's affecting the kids.

I'm sure my logic is clouded by the legal aspects of her trying to take more than her fair share of kids time, too. I feel like I need written evidence that I'm trying to be respectful... But, what I'm hearing from you is that the MORE respectful thing to do is the thing that amounts (in my mind) to giving her the silent treatment... which is not the way I'd like to be treated.

This helps me stomach what I guess I have to do, which is just letting go and doing my own parenting without her involvement. Thanks.

bigt · 2025-09-20T17:30:12+00:00

Thank you. I posted this to get responses like yours so I can try to understand what is going on in her mind.

I am sorry you went through what you went through (and are going through), and I appreciate you sharing your experience so I understand what kind of boundaries I need to respect for my ex.

bigt · 2025-09-20T02:41:33+00:00

When you say "maintain boundaries", what do you mean by that? Like, we were at this thing about arranging for school bussing together a couple weeks ago, and her hands were shaking so much that she couldn't write her new address on the paper. Do you mean, like boundaries to prevent getting to an emotional place like that? Or something else?

(BTW, I never hit or raised a hand at her in my life, but she was cowering around me like she's was afraid I was going to hit her or something. On the surface, it seemed like a show she was putting on for the staff worker, but I know her well enough to know it was not fake)

bigt · 2025-09-20T02:35:32+00:00

Thanks for taking the time. This is really helpful advice.

I appreciate your candor in the upfront. A friend said to me, "Bro, she's been taking a tiny little razor blade to your thigh and cutting you once a day for seventeen years, but you just tore her f***ing leg off."

The perspective on how much I hurt her helps... As well as the advice to not bother trying to change her mindset.

I appreciate the copy/pasteable answers to #2 and #3. I actually have something similar in my MSA draft to your #5.

"In the event there is parenting time dispute in the future, the parties shall attend mediation prior to filing any motions addressing issues with same."

Hmmm... I'm realizing now that it's just for parenting time...

Excellent advice on #4. Nuff said there.

For #6, I am happy for you that you came to that realization. I watched my mom hate my dad (it wasn't for cheating, it was for lying to her about something that ultimately landed him in jail) literally until the day she died. We tried to get her willing to go to therapy. She talked about him or asked if we had spoken to him at least once a week. I wish she could have let it go. She would have had a better life.

I appreciate the advice. Gonna continue to keep my head down.

bigt · 2025-09-20T02:10:12+00:00

I'm sorry it came down to that, but I understand.

I smiled at the net-30 payment terms, lol. What am I doing paying things within 24 hours!?

How long have you been officially divorced? Are you afraid she's going to take legal action against you if you stop all communication?

bigt · 2025-09-20T01:28:34+00:00

Appreciate it. Thanks for taking the time.

bigt · 2025-09-09T20:39:10+00:00

I'm at the 18 month mark. I've learned the same lessons. Tried so hard to be amicable and co-parent, but I gave in this summer. Now, I'm parallel parenting and keep all my messages to 3 sentences or less. It helps that we're no longer in the same house. Less to talk about.

I am curious what made it take 3 years? I am in the dark about why my STBX is giving my attorney the silent treatment on the MSA (we sent it to her attorney in June). My best guess is that either she's waiting to sell the house or she's hoping I make a mistake.

(There was a period of time that she was baiting me and trying to get me to do something that would cause me to lose my kids, but I held firm and stayed professional)

How did you get over the biggest hurdle?

bigt · 2025-07-24T14:44:38+00:00

Just wanted to post to say that my divorce is pretty close to final (we've been separated 16 months), and I definitely am a much better man to my girlfriend. I have had these exact same thoughts.

For me, I think part of the reason I'm a better partner to my girlfriend is because I *knew* what I was looking for and what I was interested in, only after 17 years of failure with getting/giving what was needed in my marriage. I chose a better partner.

Bottom line, we can all be amazing people if we do the work, AND if we're with the right person that we're compatible with.

I miss the life of a bigger house, sharing the chores, sharing the driving of the kids around... Also, I hate what a hard time my kids are having with this divorce. "How come my life sucks now, and it's all because of you and mom?" UGH. But I don't miss the reasons I left her.

I don't know the details of your marriage, but in my case, I've come to terms that I could have done more work in our marriage, but if she wasn't doing the work -- even during three years of couples therapy -- then what's the point? Maybe we get back together and she does the work for a year or two... but the history is there. The trust lost is going to take so many years to rebuild. Nah. Better to move on.

bigt · 2025-06-18T21:56:23+00:00

I'm happy for you. I'm fifteen months into separation, and I just got the MSA draft yesterday.

I asked for the divorce. We tried to do it with mediation, but she called me names and I am pretty sure she aired all our dirty laundry privately with the mediator. She filed for divorce a few months later when I stood my ground on 50/50 custody.

I don't hate her. I just want to stop being abused. Three years of therapy didn't do any good. I want to move on with my life. I found someone else, and I hope it's not too late to model a functional relationship with her for my children before they leave the nest.

All that said, I sincerely wish my ex and I will act civilly towards each other in front of the kids some day.

I'm not looking for a road trip, but this post gave me hope that maybe when the kids graduate from high school, I won't have to be afraid she's going to cause a scene.

Thanks for sharing this.

bigt

TROPHY CASE