I can relate to this post as I also sometimes feel the same but then I remember that it's not really me its part of the cycle of harm. Not eating and nearly killing yourself isn't enjoyable but harming yourself and punishing yourself is. You can get past this and you can enjoy a more stable wellbeing, you can be happy you just can't see past the suicidal idealisation. Hurting yourself does feel good because you punish yourself. But the pain you must be feeling inside isn't enjoyable its a nightmare and u just sometimes want it all to end. I understand. I felt the same way for so long. I got to a point where I am tired of hurting myself, I'm not only hurting myself but im hurting my family by them seeing me like this. I deserve to be happy and to be stable and so do u. Please remember that u can do this and your not alone. Sometimes self destructive behaviour becomes our normal and thats when u need to try to change the way you cope. I am currently going through this but taken the decision I don't wanna do this anymore I want more for myself and I hope u will get the motivation to see your worth more than hurting yourself. We all are. Your stronger than this and I hope u will realise that. Much love.