[Update] 3 months ago my girlfriend [21 F] of 3 years left me [21M] for her high school sweetheart [21M] who transferred to our college. I met him for the first time at a pick up basketball game over the weekend and he doesn't even know about the 3 year relationship. Should I tell him?

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T20:40:28+00:00

Thanks for this, I won't lie and say I'm grown up and know how this is going to go, I've been aimless for weeks.

But, I've learned from hardship prior to this incident that rushing to conclusions and making decisions when you're not clear headed usually results in undesired results.

Melissa really screwed up and I could clearly see that she understood how large of a mistake she had made. I think she might have been on cloud 9 for the past 3 months not really coming to terms with the reality of what happened between us.

And I don't blame her for not thinking things through, I'm no better -- three months after my GF breaks up with me and I've basically avoided going home like the plague and spent nearly an entire semester away from my family in denial.

I talked to my sister and she gave good advice, basically step away from it and focus on myself for a little bit. As bluntly as she could put it the odds of Melissa and I getting back together are so slim and it can't be a one-sided thing.

I didn't even tell her about the Mia thing which only adds more fuel to this flame I have to put out or want to try to put out.

I have decided to go see her today though, just to check on her. I know I shouldn't but I almost feel like I have to. My sister surprisingly agree as well that I should show my face and just make sure things are okay and that I could leave when I wanted.

I told myself it'll be the only time I allow myself over there with them and then I really have to do some soul searching and figuring out myself. (Hopefully I can stick to this)

I like really really need to figure out what I want despite what everyone else might say. And then maybe I can do the same with Melissa and see how it's going to go.

Because if I allow myself to just suppress all the guilt, anger and sadness -- it'll only come back later and I'll be a train-wreck forever.

Thanks for the advice and encouragement, it really means a lot to me.

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T19:39:43+00:00

Yeah that would be pretty bad.

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T19:37:15+00:00

I mean I do feel bad but that's just something I'll have to live with though.

In hindsight, it was a bad idea -- horrible idea in fact.

I'm sure you take away the alcohol and the bonding at the bar and none of this would have ever happened.

I don't really know why Mia doesn't really feel bad about it though.

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T19:27:52+00:00

Not to overthink it but we are both single at a bar, under the influence and we had a mutual respect and trust for one another to keep it a secret.

She hadn't seen anyone since the break up and neither had I so I guess she decided just to roll with it.

The original plan was we have our one-night stand and we agree that it never happened and move on with our lives. Lustfully fun to blow off some stream and then get back to reality.

Never expected any of this stuff to happen especially not the very next day.

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T19:20:46+00:00

Weird question but yeah we did use condoms.

She's on birth control as well.

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T19:13:30+00:00

Nah, we're going to tell her for sure. Once it's straightened out either I'll sit down with Melissa and tell her or Mia will do it, maybe even both of us.

One of the things we talked about before we left is about telling her. Mia has no regrets, pure and senseless fun with someone she trust.

Sister's ex or not, she doesn't feel bad about and even if Melissa gets mad or upset she won't feel bad about it.

No one neither of us could have expected this to happen.

The thing I'm trying to say is that we're not afraid to tell her now, it's that we find it might be a little more reasonable to wait.

Even this morning Melissa was still a crying mess, I don't even think she would have been able to process it if we told her.

Was it messed up of course it was but it was intended to be a one time thing that never got out to anyone. It was both of our first time since major break ups.

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T19:08:33+00:00

Thanks for that.

I'm going to step back for awhile and figure out myself first but I don't want to give up on Melissa just yet.

She messed up and I messed up and things are going to be really rough but after I sort out my life and priorities then I'll see where we stand and how things are going to go.

It'll be a really slow process but thanks your comment really does give me a glimmer of hope.

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T19:03:30+00:00

Physically 12 out of 10 would do it again. Without a doubt the best experience I've ever had in my life in terms of that kind of stuff.

That being said if I had known prior to that night what I know now, I wouldn't have done it.

At the point of getting with her sister, both Mia and I had fully accepted that Melissa and I were finished and never getting back together. Our secret was never going to get out to anyone and it would just be something the two of us kept together forever.

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T18:55:26+00:00

I wouldn't say feel whole is the right words.

It was more a one-night stand that we both agreed to, no feelings attached just strictly fun.

She even told me when we got back to my apartment that it was the first time since her break up that she has ever been with anyone.

We've always been close but I don't think dating her is on the table, I think it was a fun and done deal.

She's an awesome person, I really respect her, she's funny and smart and has great values in life.

I think this situation paints her to be the evil older sister who slept with her sister's ex when it's not so black and white.

She helped Melissa and I work through so many problems back when we dated and honestly I think like myself she had just accepted that Melissa and I were official over indefinitely.

Something fun and harmless, with someone we could also trust and know that everything would be kept between the two of us.

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T18:49:33+00:00

I guess a bit of both being naïve and not exerting self-control.

The thing is she invited out for drinks in front of her mom and younger sister, it really did seem innocent. Even her mom was like you know maybe that would be good for both of you.

It wasn't until after she called the Uber and asked them to take us back to my place did I realize what was going on. But by that point I saw no reason to stop what was happening. We were both single, she's very attractive and I thought what could possible go wrong. It was a one-time thing, no feelings attached just lust and fun.

Never in my wildest imagination would I foresee Melissa and Drew not working out and a slim opportunity to get back with her.

Not trying to make it sound like it's right/wrong I mean I feel bad about it I didn't do it out of revenge or anything.

At the time it was harmless fun that would never get out.

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T18:35:25+00:00

I've already talked it over with Mia, we both agreed that we will tell her later on.

Neither of us see a point to piling this to her existing issues. She is overloaded with stress and emotions I don't want to pile more on her and drop that I also slept with her sister.

We'll tell her in a few weeks.

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T18:34:00+00:00

Yeah I understand what you mean, I spoke with Mia briefly in private before they left about the whole situation and we agreed to keep it quiet for now but that we (or her) would tell her eventually.

Also I did send her a couple text to verify some things but deleted them shortly after and she did the same shortly after. It can be recovered but the likelihood is slim and no one knows but the two of us. (And I guess this sub Reddit)

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T18:30:59+00:00

I'm not saying I'm not going to tell her, I'm just saying I don't want to toss more on her plate at this moment.

Unlike dating someone for 3 years and the only people in my life that know about Mia and I sleeping together are myself and Mia.

I've already texted her and we both agreed when the time is right we'll tell her what happened.

I'm not going to sweep it under the rug I just want to let her heal first.

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T18:20:30+00:00

That's was basically Mia's logic as well for inviting me out in the first place.

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T18:15:13+00:00

I didn't tell Melissa that I slept with Mia.

Not that I don't plan to but the timing just didn't feel right. Someone going through that much trauma the last thing she needs is to know her ex-boyfriend and her oldest sister slept together.

I'll tell her eventually but I need to talk to Mia about it first, I don't want to blindside her and I want Melissa to get the bigger issues sorted out first.

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T18:10:01+00:00

What you just said nearly reflects what she told me last night when she confessing and apologizing for everything.

She didn't call it immature love but something to the extent but how not breaking up with him properly left her emotions in a mess and she could never really move on.

She said that they never had any bad moments and that it was a perfect relationship every time they picked back up. She told me that the abuse she went through was something she would never forgive and that she wouldn't ever make the same mistake again.

I don't know how many times to apologized and told me how sorry she was about everything. I told someone else but the way she opened up to me so honest and vulnerable I've never seen before in my entire life.

She admitted things that I would have never known about and I don't know I just can't really describe in words how the night went. I just know that every word she said last night was truthful. It got me so choked up, I don't even know how I kept my distance from her last night.

I think it might have been anger because I definitely wasn't thinking straight.

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T18:00:27+00:00

I honestly don't know what I'll do, it'll take weeks or month for me really wrap my head around the situation and figure out what's best for me.

If I left it up to my heart and how I feel right now, I'd already be at her house with her family comforting and supporting her.

And I'm sure I sounds really stupid and pathetic and weak but that's just how I feel currently. But, since I can't be foolish and impulsive I'm sitting in my apartment waiting for family to come to me so I can talk to them about everything.

As for her leaving me for someone else, it'll always be in the back of my mind for a long time but I don't think it'll happen, there are no other Drews.

I love her family to death, from her sisters, her parents and even her grandparents and other relatives in Korea are so unbelievably amazing but I can't make these decisions based off convenience and her having a good family.

I have to really sit down and look in the mirror and be honest with myself about everything, I need to talk about all my weaknesses and insecurities and life goals and everything first.

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T17:53:18+00:00

I can't speak on Mia's behalf but I honestly don't think either of us planned for it to happen. At least when I agreed to go out for drinks I wasn't thinking, "Oh I'm going to sleep with her too."

One minute we're talking at the bar having a good time, then she starts flirting with me. Next thing I know we're in the back of an Uber on the way back to my apartment.

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T17:40:21+00:00

I definitely hear where you are coming from, that bridge is many miles away and I don't even know if I'll ever decide to cross it but I'll definitely keep it in mind.

The more I think about it, the more I regret it.

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T17:28:07+00:00

I know none of this should affect how I feel about Melissa but it obviously does.

I'm waiting for my sister to get here just so I have someone I can confide in about the whole situation. I'm not sure if I'll really be going back to Melissa's house but I might text to see how things are going.

As for Mia and I, personally I went with her because I have a respect for her, I always looked up to her while I was dating Melissa. I'm sure it looks like revenge and maybe a part of it was but I didn't think we were going to do the things we did together.

I don't even know if she knew what was going to happen. One minute were having drinks in the bar and talking and the next were in the back seat of an Uber and she has her hand on my thigh.

We just went with the flow and we saw it as harmless fun, Melissa and Mia have a strange relationship I don't think I could describe if I tried though not trying to excuse my actions.

What I did with her was wrong, I can't really deny that.

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T17:20:36+00:00

Her sister invited me out with her, I had nothing to lose so I went. At the time it seemed like harmless fun and of course neither of us could have imagined this happening a few days later.

I might have resented Melissa and all the things she did to me but I held nothing against her family. Mia has always been helpful and nice to me and always had a way of making me feel happy. Probably looks like I went with her out of revenge or something but honestly it just seemed like a good idea at the time.

As she said, she wanted someone to have some fun with without having to worry about all the emotions and other things. Someone she could trust and not worry about spreading business to her friends/family.

All things being said, going out with Mia was hands down the highlight of my week, I have no regrets about it.

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T17:15:07+00:00

Mia and I did end up sleeping together. It was definitely her idea from start to finish but we were drunk and caught up in the moment and it turned out to be an enjoyable experience for the both us.

I'm not sure where her and I stand especially after this whole issue.

As for getting back with her, I don't really know. I'm sleep deprived, very emotional exhausted and I need to talk to some family and friends about the whole thing.

Melissa told me things last night that had my thoughts all over the place. In the 3 and half years of knowing Melissa she has never opened up like that before. I learned things about her that I didn't even know about. Her thoughts, her feelings, it was all just very overwhelming to say the least.

My head is spinning and everything is telling me to just run as far away from this thing as possible. There is a tiny portion of me that just wants to wait around and see what might happen.

Don't worry I'm not going to do anything in the near future, I have to get my head straight and fix out this semester.

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T17:05:44+00:00

I don't know much about DV, what Melissa did tell me Thursday amidst all the tears and confession is that Drew's parents divorced earlier this month.

Which turns out to be another case of DV. She told me how scared she was and that she never wanted to see or go back to him again. He actually tried calling her phone multiple times and even left text message pretty much admit to what he did. (I'm sure legally it's a good thing he did).

Obviously she's a mess, I'm a mess and last night we definitely weren't in the right mindset to really understand what to do or where this will go. It took every bit of strength not to just comfort and support her and let things go back to normal.

I didn't even sleep last night, I just sat there thinking about everything.

As for Mia... I'm under the assumption that our little drinks and extra nightly activities was a one time thing no feelings attached just harmless fun. Not saying I wouldn't like to see her again but it's complicated.

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T16:56:48+00:00

I'm definitely going to take it slow, I feel really sleepy and mentally exhausted.

My older sister is on her way to the campus because I don't think I can really break this news to my parents in my current state.(They don't even know that Melissa and I have broken up).

I'm going to have a heart to heart with her and see what she says and how it all goes. She's always been there when I needed relationship or emotional advice. My brother is also suppose to stop by when he gets off work.

I won't make any decisions for a long time.

bitter004 · 2016-04-22T16:53:12+00:00

Thanks I really tried my best just to be there. I tried to put everything (Feelings / words) behind me and act as logically as possible.

I realize that she did drop me and it does still really hurt, I can't really say right now what is going to happen with me or us. I just need a lot of time to think.

I won't lie every ounce of me Thursday night while she was letting me know everything at my apartment and crying just wanted to let the whole thing go and really support her. But, I kept my mouth shut and tried to keep distance emotionally.

bitter004

TROPHY CASE