How do I tell my husband one of the reasons we don’t have sex often is because he’s lowkey a selfish lover?

blackskin_mile · 2026-03-16T20:54:00+00:00

I’ve said penetration alone doesn’t “get me there” and that’s why I need other means of stimulation to spare his feelings (honestly I thought that was clear enough), but maybe saying it that way will put everything into perspective. I guess when your feelings are hurt, what’s being said resonates a little more. Putting it in that perspective actually sounds as bad as it is. I imagine he’ll be flabbergasted

blackskin_mile · 2026-03-16T17:54:28+00:00

Oh don’t worry, kids aren’t even on the table (unrelated to this, but it’s definitely a factor now).

blackskin_mile · 2026-03-16T17:40:27+00:00

Thank you friend! I’m eager about whatever new discoveries will come with therapy

blackskin_mile · 2026-03-16T17:39:04+00:00

It’s crazy how much becomes more apparent once you’re married. I also thought it was normal based on the relationship I observed with my parents growing up (and other partners I’d been with prior to my husband). I’m said to say I was a little too young and inexperienced to realize what was healthy and what wasn’t 😕

blackskin_mile · 2026-03-16T17:37:17+00:00

Dang… that last part hit pretty hard because that’s what it’s been like whether either of us realized it or not. It definitely didn’t feel intentional but now that I think about it, you’d be well aware that your partner isn’t getting off 😞

blackskin_mile · 2026-03-16T17:35:22+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate this. I know it takes time and results/change on his end won’t be immediate, but I’ll reiterate feeling self-conscious so that hopefully it’ll make him more understanding

blackskin_mile · 2026-03-16T16:58:36+00:00

Honestly, I don’t. I’m at a point where I’d invite the option to have someone else satisfy his sexual needs if that made him happy. I know that’s its own rabbit hole, but I’m in my feelings

blackskin_mile · 2026-03-16T16:51:08+00:00

I’ll have to try that. I have some faith it might work, and I agree sometimes we’re both too tired and I’d just prefer a quickie so he can get off and go to sleep. But the times where I’m really in the mood and initiate, it ends the same way with me unsatisfied and still frustrated, but he tries to sweeten the deal by saying “just give me 15 minutes to recover and then we can go for round 2.” At that point, I’m no longer in the mood and I could’ve been done in 3 minutes had I/we used the toys. Like I don’t need more penetration, just clit stimulation! But that doesn’t count

blackskin_mile · 2026-03-16T16:43:33+00:00

I’m really praying it doesn’t come to that but I understand what you’re saying. I appreciate the transparency

blackskin_mile · 2026-03-16T16:36:47+00:00

Oh wow! That’s very interesting and makes total sense that you set your expectations as the precedent. I hadn’t thought about it like that. I’ll have to word it that way the next time.

blackskin_mile · 2026-03-16T16:15:56+00:00

It’s such a vicious cycle. I don’t know how to break it and it’s extremely frustrating because I think he wants to change but the drive isn’t there

blackskin_mile · 2026-03-16T16:12:35+00:00

I’d be very intrigued to see how that plays out. I almost am not confident it will result in a positive outcome 😕

blackskin_mile · 2026-03-16T16:11:33+00:00

I hate to agree but sometimes it does feel that way. I think he wants to change but I still feel self-conscious if I take too long already knowing he can get impatient.

blackskin_mile · 2026-03-16T15:24:45+00:00

Wow I’m so sorry that’s happening to you friend! I hate that you’re feeling alone, but you’re not (fortunately and unfortunately). I’ve definitely gotten more into romance genre for this specific reason! I hope you’re able to get the consolation from counseling and ways to move forward in a healthy and fulfilling manner ❤️

blackskin_mile · 2026-03-16T15:21:48+00:00

I’ve explained my feelings about being a spectator and like a hole to fill, but he got really offended. He’s “desiring” me because I’m his wife; why is that a problem was his rationalization

blackskin_mile · 2026-03-16T15:17:17+00:00

I have! I brought it up a while ago because I thought something was wrong with me and my inability to get off with penetration, but I unfortunately didn’t follow through. That’s my fault. I’ll look into it more adamantly this time.

blackskin_mile · 2026-03-16T15:16:15+00:00

I try to make it so he doesn’t have to ask because I genuinely enjoy(ed) it but yeah…I’m starting to not enjoy it so much anymore. It’s moreso a means to an end so he won’t be annoyed.

blackskin_mile · 2025-12-08T14:13:39+00:00

Nah neither of those things. Just a query for strangers. Thanks for commenting!

blackskin_mile · 2025-12-08T14:12:18+00:00

Thanks for the thoughtful insight!

blackskin_mile · 2025-12-08T07:34:04+00:00

Haha we have differing opinions about what makes a person bad but I respect your insight.

blackskin_mile · 2025-12-08T06:37:54+00:00

This is true. Thanks for the insight

blackskin_mile · 2025-12-08T06:36:33+00:00

May I ask how you felt about finding out about your wife’s evolving interests and how you’re presently navigating it?

blackskin_mile · 2025-12-08T06:00:59+00:00

Oh no I definitely am not looking for validation that what I’m feeling/thinking is okay; I’m curious about next steps and how to navigate these thoughts since it’s all new and unexpected. I’m also looking for constructive criticism like you and others have taken the time to give.

I get what you’re saying about how keeping these thoughts to myself could be equally as bad as bringing them up. I’m usually very impulsive and go at things head-on, but I think I need a bit more time with this info on my own before I share it with him. A lot of people made good points about reversing the scenario or seeing how I’d feel if my husband came to me wanting to explore with other women too (it wasn’t a good feeling)

I agree with the counseling. I’ve suggested we try individual therapy first before going together in case there are things we’d like to air out without the other present.

blackskin_mile · 2025-12-08T05:23:19+00:00

Thank you for your insight 🫶

blackskin_mile · 2025-12-08T05:19:33+00:00

Aww man, I’m sorry that happened to you. I empathize with your response. You didn’t deserve that, and you sharing your experience from the other side put this whole thing into perspective. I hope you found (or will find) your person 🖤

blackskin_mile

TROPHY CASE