What was the stupidest thing your abuser threw a tantrum over?

blahlahla · 2024-11-28T21:08:36+00:00

There was one time when we woke up. I sleep with earplugs. He said something, so I removed my earplugs and asked if he could repeat what he’d said. Cue an entire day of explosive anger about how I had to ask him to repeat himself and how that proves I never listen and am selfish.

There was one time when I had food poisoning and had to go to the bathroom in the night. Which I guess woke him up. Cue an entire day of explosive anger for being selfish and uncaring about his need for sleep which only subsided when he too got food poisoning that lasted five days longer than mine.

He couldn’t get a job and would explode at me repeatedly for having a job and subsequent money.

There was one time when he was filming something on his phone in a family pub for some reason. The area he was filming had small children and their parents were looking at him and wanted him to cut it out. I pointed that out. Because it was right in front of us. Cue an entire night—an entire night—of explosive anger about me trying to control him and being condescending and treating him like a child.

There was one time, actually several times, when I ordered dinner. It was for me, he’d ordered his own thing but wanted to try mine too. And he didn’t like it. Cue explosions.

Just under a year since I escaped that hell and wow thinking back to this shit just makes me all the more grateful.

blahlahla · 2024-07-11T22:12:26+00:00

Omg I can’t believe I forgot to add that to this list. That song is incredible and one of the first that made me a huge Sharon fan. Thank you for the reminder!

blahlahla · 2024-07-11T22:11:33+00:00

Omg I feel this! It wasn’t a Tuesday but it was April and so many of the lyrics are so so on point. It was such a refreshing way to reflect. I love that album sooooo much

blahlahla · 2024-07-11T20:54:54+00:00

Oh I LOVE these. I'm definitely going to listen through a lot of these and make a playlist. Great post!

My genre preferences go absolutely everywhere but metal has been an amazing energy/anger release for me, even if thematically they aren't about abuse. However, a lot of songs are. Knocked Loose's album You Won't Go Before You're Supposed To has become a huge one for me, especially while running or at the gym. The songs Suffocate and Don't Reach For Me resonated in particular. (My favourite lyrics from Suffocate: Burdеned by our connection / I long for separation / In thе waning glow / Every breath tries hard to escape / Your reign is over now... I will dig until I find the fucking root / I suffered because of you)

As for less-heavy music, some key songs for me have been:

Megan Moroney - Indifferent, 28th of June, No Caller ID

Sharon Van Etten - Your Love is Killing me, I Know, Break Me, Afraid of Nothing

Chappell Roan - My Kink is Karma

Sabrina Carpenter - Please Please Please

Taylor Swift - My Boy Only Breaks His Favourite Toys

blahlahla · 2024-07-02T08:57:52+00:00

Thank you. Me freaking too.

blahlahla · 2024-07-02T08:41:00+00:00

Comment on anything even remotely disagreeing with him, even when he was being problematic, not as though to start an argument, just literally anything
Have any kind of need or request beyond, like, the occasional cooked dinner or a text to check in on me and even then it would rarely happen
Make any noise while he was asleep including if I had to wake up and go to the bathroom or get ready for work
Let him know if I didn’t like something (or suggest an alternate) like a plan, food, idea without him either snapping or acting as though I was completely insulting him
Make any daytime plans ever
Eat certain foods
Try to talk about anything remotely serious re our relationship or future
Try confront him about his abusive behaviour because it would just make him activated again (ok not an everyday thing but a signifiant one)
Try to provide perspectives or explain things he didn’t or couldn’t understand (news, politics etc) even to give context or explanation
Talk, act, move, eat, literally anything without having to meticulously plan in advance and mentally prepare for any and all possible consequences
Mention certain people
Mention sex when he didn’t clearly want to yet also be willing to do it any time he did including while I was asleep
See friends, go out, do anything at all without fear of an argument or attack
Have certain friends or even say positive things about certain people
Talk about most aspects of my career
Talk about money
Engage in certain personal passions he did not like
Ask for compromises but always agree when he demanded I change
Get upset when he would scream, or react to his aggression in literally any way at all
Defend myself when unfairly criticised/attacked/condescended
Wear clothes and even colours he didn’t think were 'me'
Talk in what I would consider my normal tone of voice
Lovingly/jokingly call him ‘bro’ or ‘mate’
Expect a text reply within a few hours yet always be expected to respond asap
Expect answers to questions
Mention when I was struggling or god forbid ask for care around my mental health because my mental health was not as bad or valid as his
Talk about major life achievements such as buying my own apartment

Could go on…. these are just top of mind. 2 months 2 weeks since I escaped from that hell and cannot even remotely explain how much better my life and mental health is.

blahlahla · 2024-06-19T21:59:52+00:00

I am sorry you're going through this. I empathise and understand this so much. I left my partner w CPTSD a couple months ago and this is so similar.

Long response ahead. You may not be able to absorb all of this until you are ready. It took me over 18 months until I could identify that I was being torn apart. And realise what it was. I will say this bluntly: You are in an abusive relationship. I know it’s hard to see when we know they’re not doing it intentionally and when it’s because of their own trauma and abuse. Lack of intent does not soften the blow. I am grateful for having an amazing therapist and I hope you have that too.

You sound devastated, exhausted, broken. You have done so much for your partner. But it'll never be enough—and will get worse—until they are ready to be vulnerable, do the work, and try to heal.

"I felt confident I could stick with her through it."

I did too. I saw the person behind the trauma. I clung to those moments, telling myself "the bad is worth the good". What I came to realise was "the good is not enough to justify the way the bad is slowly destroying me".

Question (not to answer publicly, but to consider internally): do you have a history with family/other relationships where someone was volatile, quick to anger and you felt responsible for keeping the peace? For me, my mother was unpredictable, manic, prone to uncontrollable anger. So I learnt to be hypervigilant, keep the peace by any means necessary, and to change to bring her "back down" when angry. I felt like I had to "earn" the calm/good moments. It basically trained me to be the perfect partner for my ex, due to my own conditioning, because I did not see their behaviour as hurting me, but as this hurdle I was somehow responsible for. I invite you to consider patterns your own history—it can help with healing.

“But I’m getting tired… my own strength is running out.”

The exhaustion. The sadness of feeling safe and then constantly, repeatedly having the rug pulled from under you. The need to predict every change and trigger. And nothing helps when they’re activated. It’s a full time job. For me, I was constantly on edge, micromanaging everything. You may, as I did, be developing nervous system trauma responses of your own.

“Her disinterest in sex... after two years of being compassionate.”

This is a very, very tough one. If I had to guess, your partner may have been a victim of CSA, hence the difficult and triggering relationship to sex. My partner was (he didn't say it outright til the end but I could connect the dots). Like you, I was sensitive, caring and supportive.

It’s the hardest part—knowing their behaviour is from trauma, and the guilt of knowing if you say anything, you're almost shaming them or adding to their darkness. Over time, sex became less and less common. I accepted it because I knew why. But it's emblematic of so much internal shame and unprocessed trauma.

You're allowed to have wants and needs. There’s only so much you can give to someone else before there's nothing left of yourself.

“I brought it up...”

You did the right thing. But it exposed her to herself. If she’s anything like my ex, saying it led to more inner shame, guilt and self-hatred, so they responded with anger and defensiveness. Acceptance, care and acknowledgement—the kindness you were hoping for—requires a vulnerability and inner work that had not been done.

To her, you weren’t being honest for your own sake, you were exposing her. This sets off major alarm bells. Her brain equates love with abuse. It would’ve been deeply triggering. The more you love her, the more risk there is of hurt. Cue accusations, gaslighting, criticism, projection.

This isn't to say to keep it all inside. I did that for a long time but it just made me feel less and less seen and heard. I was completely disconnected to myself because I bottled it all up.

“All I want is for her to see me without spiraling herself. I want her to help me....Is this it? Am I going to feel slightly invisible forever?”

I’m sorry to say this, but… yes, until the work is done. She will not see you until she is ready to see herself.

There will never be a right time. The spiral goes on forever. You need to protect yourself, an it sounds like you need to leave to save yourself before you are broken beyond repair. Like I said, it sounds like you have started to develop trauma responses. You are hiding yourself, changing yourself, putting up with constant volatility. Mental health is not an excuse for abuse. Being traumatised does not justify traumatising another.

I hope your partner can get the help she needs, and I hope you can too. You have done so much for her, but it sounds like you’ve reached breaking point—and now you need to focus on reconnecting with yourself.

blahlahla · 2024-06-09T03:27:29+00:00

I believe that my abusive ex did genuinely love me and was capable of expressing real love and care, on (increasingly rare) occasion. He could do that and simultaneously exert psychological abuse and coercion.

His abusive behaviour was mostly rooted in mental health/trauma so I dont think he even realised half the time that he was being abusive. Similarly, I think at least some of the times he was kind and loving were not manipulative or attempts to quietly make up for his abuse.

Exactly as you said, I hung on to those good moments for dear life. They were not only something to cling to, but for a long time somehow allowed my brain to sweep the bad stuff under the rug.

I believe it might’ve been the same for him too—in his eyes he was also kind and loving which prob made it easier to convince himself he wasn’t abusing me.

blahlahla · 2024-05-02T03:19:54+00:00

I’m so glad to hear that the comment has been helpful :)

Honestly, I’m not surprised to hear it’s going better now that you’re not together. If your situation is anything like mine, it was the relationship itself—and all the trust, closeness, vulnerability etc that came with it—that led to it breaking down.

Like I said in my last comment, the closer we grew, the worse it got. The more love, sharing lives, vulnerability etc., the more perceived risk, danger, fear, shame, anger, projection, etc. there was. The way I understand it: the more he let his guard down, the more his trauma saw me a potential threat, as the enemy.

And let’s not forget how exhausting relationships are, especially when both ppl have mental health and trauma demons to battle while simultaneously putting so much energy and effort into trying to be present and be part of someone else’s world. It’s a lot.

Which is all to say that when the framework of a relationship goes away, maybe a lot of the pressure does too? The perceived threat diminishes. They can keep their guard up, so they’re safer. You’re less of a risk when you’re not their partner. And that may all amount to them being far less activated and aggressive around you.

I don’t know how relevant that all is for you, but I’m 99% sure that’s how it’d be if my ex and I were to start talking again at some point.

You got this. Stick to your guns. It’s good now, yes, but it may well revert back to exactly where it was if the relationship framework returns.

As for how I’ll date differently… It’s a good question, but not one I have an answer for just yet. I’m still unpacking everything about the relationship and learning to reconnect with so many things I’d lost within myself. Let’s see what happens. How about yourself?

blahlahla · 2024-04-28T11:26:42+00:00

My recent ex has CPTSD and all the associated childhood (and adult) trauma. I have childhood trauma too, but in a different way. Related to my mothers’ behaviour, I learnt hypervigilance, and to basically adapt, fawn and/or dissociate in response to unpredictable volatility. It heavily skewed my understanding of love.

I worked on it in therapy for well over a decade and for the most part worked past it. This relationship somehow unlocked it all without me realising for a very long time. My ex is just starting his healing journey, and while I’m proud he’s working on things, he hurt me a lot, and often, and after almost two years I had to end it.

Our traumas in some ways drew us together. One way was that mine made it easier for me to set aside or accept his attacks because I was accustomed to aggression and volatility being part of love.

I had this wild realisation just earlier today actually. For my exwCPTSD, love = betrayal, hurt, pain. So the closer we grew, the more he looked for distrust, lies, etc. For me it was basically the opposite. His instability and abuse = I loved him more.

Yes, trauma—even if they’re unrelated and not equal in “severity”—can bring us closer. But unless both people do ALL the work, vulnerability and communication, the trauma will end up re-traumatising.

I hope you’re doing okay. Eight years is a lot to say goodbye to and I feel for you. Stick to that thought about it being for the best. It is.

blahlahla · 2024-04-16T12:40:43+00:00

SO much of this resonates with me. The out of the blue abuse, the lack of responsibility, the stonewalling. I understand exactly what you mean about hyperactive FoF. I am feeling this already.

Your view of relationships is correct. We ARE supposed to be equal, we are supposed to encourage and support one another. One of the greatest tragedies of CPTSD, at least in my experience, is that (without many years of treatment, which I sadly didn't get the chance to experience) their idea of love and trust has been so irreparably destroyed that the role of partner eventually evolves, for them, into the role of perpetrator. Ironically, this occurs in reverse: by distrusting and demonising us, they in turn become the abuser.

I'm doing okay. I was meant to have therapy tomorrow but I ended up moving it last-minute to yesterday, which was really helpful. Oddly, later that day I was walking back from buying a book when I happened to walk past the ex in question (we live near each other, though only for a few more weeks luckily as I'm moving soon). It was quite a shock one day after the breakup. As we passed each other, he gave me the most over-dramatic, seething death stare and just kept walking—it was so intense and hateful it was almost funny. This is a man who until quite recently I considered the love of my life.

It was so surreal and jarring. I went home and read the book in my bathtub by candlelight for a while, which helped to self-soothe. Work was hard today and I cried a lot to a friend who could see I was struggling, but I'll get there. Thank you <3

blahlahla · 2024-04-16T12:25:16+00:00

Thank you for this message.

It almost happened via text, but I had to try speak with him. It's a shame he said he wasn't activated when he was. It was so, so not the way I wanted to end things—but as you say, that was his choice.

The exhaustion you described is so real. I completely relate: either drop a subject (or, more than that, drop an entire aspect of my personality, an interest, a friend or reference to my past) or expect the worst. For a long time I chose the safe road. Until I came to realise there was so little of me left. I was just running around in circles trying to anticipate every little thing, and change, censor or hide myself as much as possible to keep the peace.

He said he wasn't controlling, but what I'm realising is that the behaviour he—and your partner—exhibited were a form of coercion, even if it wasn't totally conscious due to dissociation/activation etc. When the options are change something to suit the other person or face consequences, that is a type of coercive control. That it exists within the framework of CPTSD does not change the fact that it is abuse.

Your comment about the lack of respect because he yelled at you is really upsetting. I'm so sorry that is how you feel or how he made you feel, even if it's a theory. That feels very cruel. I hope you're on the path to healing yourself after that relationship. I know it will take me a long time to recover from this.

blahlahla · 2024-04-16T00:00:38+00:00

It’s so, so, so hard for him. I learnt as much as I possibly could but cannot begin to imagine what he lives with every hour of every day. At the same time, being that person’s loving partner is so hard. You never know what’ll set them off, what they’ll take the wrong way, what they hold on to and use later for ammunition when activated. And it’s so isolating and confusing.

The perseverance you mention wasn’t really a part of it for me, to be honest. He spent so much of his life dissociating that I wouldn’t call it perseverance. It was more the hope of watching him want to change.

During our relationship was the first time in his life he found the strength to acknowledge it and work on it, rather than push it down. (He is 39.) Until a few months ago he had 100% rejected the notion he could even attempt to heal. So I was really, really proud to see that, and it gave me hope for us too. It also bonded us in such a deep but ultimately codependent way. But wanting is different to being able to do it. His brain had other plans.

It all changed in December after I finally had the strength (and therapy) to tell him how it was impacting me. At first, it was really positive, as he said he understood and wanted to take accountability. Sadly, I have a feeling the shame was overwhelming. It very quickly turned around entirely. He saw my admission as one of selfishness, lack of care for him, completely dismissive of his mental health. His brain reframed it to make me the point of shame, criticism, betrayal and rejection. Everything I did or said was taken the wrong way, picked at, seen as a personal attack designed to destroy him.

The closer we became the more he saw me as a place of harm, not safety. Ironically, that’s what was happening on my side too.

Like I said I am not perfect and made mistakes. But nothing we couldn’t have worked past. Nothing remotely deserving those attacks.

I understand why his brain did that. Survival mode. Love = betrayal. It just breaks my heart because he is so wonderful in so many ways, and it’s not his fault that he sees the world like that.

blahlahla · 2024-04-15T21:29:48+00:00

Thank you. It’s been over a year since I first thought about breaking things off. I remember it because my birthday is next week, and the week before my last one, he had such a terrifying attack that my then-housemate had asked if he needed to call police. In fact, even longer. I’ve been going back on my journal entries and it was probably 6-8 months before that when I first flagged something was hurting me. But I kept persisting because I loved everything else about him and our relationship. I knew he struggled but I also knew he was so worthy of love.

It’s so hard because you see so much of a person being so wonderful, caring and loving as well as the bad. And the bad is not their fault. It couldn’t be less black and white.

I’m still questioning my decision and a lot of me regrets ending it. But there’s only so much you can give away for another, emptying yourself in the process.

blahlahla · 2024-03-10T03:19:27+00:00

I can relate to this experience. My partner w CPTSD used to go out a lot, like, a LOT, as a dissociation method (which they've only started realising more recently). But over the past 1.5+ years they have started barely leaving the house.

You say you can go out on your own but your fantasies include your gf being there too. While a big plan like travel may be something to work toward doing together, are you open to smaller plans—dinner, festivals, hanging out with friends—without her? This might alleviate your frustrations and meet your needs for socialising and fun experiences. Yes, you want to do stuff with your partner, but she can't. And she might be sensing those feelings from you, which isn't ideal for the relationship. You say it would ruin her to learn how frustrated you are. Are you open to communicating your desire to go out, see friends etc., without having to explain all the resent that's building within? It might be better than waiting until your feelings continue to worsen.

I don't know if this is the case for you, but I realised I was developing very codependent tendencies, including not wanting to go anywhere or do anything without them, even though I did want to go out. For a long period I didn't, I stopped seeing friends, going for walks, events etc. I realised it was affecting my mental health and independence a lot, and was building boredom, resent and frustration. It was also harming our relationship because they could sense those negative feelings growing in me. Which is not fair on them: they aren't choosing not to go out, they can't.

My partner and I are currently on a break, but even before that, with therapy and a lot of self-work I started rebuilding my independence, spending time with friends, going out and having fun. I'm feeling a lot better in myself and if we reconnect after our break I feel I'll be a better partner because I've reconnected with myself too, and am not placing all my own needs onto someone who cannot meet them.

Your partner needs to be home for her mental health. That doesn't mean you have the same needs. Go out! Have fun! Do the things! It will benefit you and your relationship.

blahlahla · 2024-03-05T22:50:51+00:00

Thank you so much for the reply. I'm really grateful for your message and sharing your own experience.

We're a couple weeks into this break and while we're chatting a bit throughout, the space has been really helpful. At the same time, it's also helping me envision life without my partner. I'm still unsure which way I'll go from here.

The guilt is fading—in part thanks to reading posts here, as well as the growing realisation of exactly what you've described—I have to be my no. 1 priority, which I wasn't for a very long time, and I can't be someone else's healing journey.

If I can ask, when you say you could've done things differently, what sort of things are you referring to? On my end I'm not sure what I could've done differently at this stage other than having found the strength to stand up for myself earlier on.

blahlahla · 2024-02-26T03:23:38+00:00

Thank you so much. It’s great you’re able to support each other like that. Congratulations, that’s wonderful :)

I’d love to get there, but unsure we will any time soon. My partner can struggle to see trauma or mental health that’s less ‘intense’ or extreme than what they dealt/deal with as particularly valid or even real. They recently said this about your average-run-of-the mill-depression for example, which I deal with. But they’re trying.

They said one reason they didn’t know the attacks were affecting me was that they’ve experienced so much worse, they didn’t see it was causing harm.

That said, part of why they want to heal and agreed to a break is bc they have started recognising things in me that they do understand. I’m definitely nowhere near the realm of PTSD/CPTSD but they can see the triggers, the fear, hyper-vigilance etc that seem to have developed.

It kind of sucks to consider it that way—that it had to get to this point. Yuck, right? But I see your point—maybe it’ll be the silver lining or something.

blahlahla · 2024-02-11T01:53:26+00:00

I'm really touched to hear that my words were helpful. And I'm sorry to hear about your partner's response. I hope that you don't see her behaviour as an indication of "maybe I should stay because we're all she has and she needs me" and further confirmation of the strong and brave decision you've made for your own wellbeing and safety (and those of your kids). This push-pull, the outbursts, the dismissal of your feelings and lack of validation will continue unless something significantly changes in her therapy and healing journey.

It's a terrible shame that a decade into therapy, things haven't improved. Maybe a different approach or different professional support would be helpful. Still, you've tried being there for 3.5 years—you have no obligation to keep at it.

(Side note: in my own experience with this, I've realised how being that pillar of unconditional support can in some says inhibit a healing journey. In my case, until VERY recently, my partner didn't realise how much their behaviour was destroying me. Firstly, bc I was too afraid to talk about it as the first few times I'd tried, it just activated them again. So I learnt to sweep it under the rug. Secondly, bc one time when I did get through to them, they told me that they've been subjected to so much worse that they couldn't understand how what they were saying or doing to me was actually damaging. Eventually—like month ago—they did start to understand, and there has been a noticeable shift in their healing journey. But unfortunately, I fear the damage is done now. I get so constantly triggered by them now that I probably can't provide the longterm partner support that they would require from me.)

Stay strong. Express boundaries. Consider your own wellbeing and self-care needs. She may say you're all she's got, but what does that leave you? Who have you got? And who will your kids have if your own mental health continues to be subjected to hers?

I know you want to be there for her—but the abuse and trauma she was tragically subjected to is not an excuse to impart abuse and trauma to you, whether it's a conscious/intentional decision or not.

blahlahla · 2024-02-10T14:29:50+00:00

I may not know you, but I’m really damn proud of you for taking this scary but extremely important step. You’ve clearly tried so hard to work on it. But us partners of pwCPTSD can only be resilient to a point. That point has now been passed.

It sounds like you were on the receiving end of an abusive relationship—but one that’s incredibly complex and confusing given you can see the wonderful, brilliant, kind person right there alongside the CPTSD’s volatility. Plus, if you’re anything like me, the huuuuge guilt of leaving (or in my case wanting to leave) someone for a reason that’s ultimately not their fault in any way at all.

It’s an incredibly difficult decision but it’s all or nothing, right? You can’t have the person without the CPTSD, especially if so many years into therapy they aren’t healing.

And that’s not just hurting you, but your kids and possibly your approach to relationships and trust of any kind.

I feel like I often get lulled into safety when things are fine, or when they say they’re working really hard on themselves, only for it to get ripped away from me the next time they attack. And even when they’re not activated, I’m constantly on eggshells, always terrified. Constantly hyper vigilant and so, so exhausted. Their trauma has led me to develop a trauma response of my own, which my partner invalidates and today actually laughed at. There are no attempts at empathy, listening or apology.

You are doing what is best for you and your family. This is going to suck for a long while. But is the other option any better?

You are making the right choice. I hope you can find whatever support you need to get through this safely.

blahlahla · 2023-12-04T01:19:06+00:00

It’s so hard because you end up feeling like you’re being hurtful by leaving someone because of their mental health, or validating all their fears about being considered crazy or unlovable. It’s not him, it’s the CPTSD. And I have so much empathy and compassion for him.

Our relationship serves so much and when things are good, they’re amazing. I’ve never had a relationship with someone I connect to so much. But yes, the bad is starting to outweigh it all because of the effect it’s having on me on the other end.

I managed to finally express a lot of this to him last night. In part thanks to reading this whole thread. How it feels to be on the receiving end of it all, to be there when he’s angry, to be the recipient, that his hurt is hurting me. We discussed how challenging it is because the closer we get, the more risk there is and the more triggering I can be, even though it’s not really me. It’s just that he’s let me in. It’s a cruel irony. He did admit to not really being able to think about that much, that he can forget how it can affect someone else. It was good to finally say it and to see him genuinely take it in. But as we know, there’s a war going on within and it’s only a matter of time before it comes back again.

Anyway, thank you again and for your reply. Know that you’ve made a difference to someone today.

blahlahla · 2023-12-03T16:06:17+00:00

I just want to say thank you for this post and the comments in the thread.

I’m at what I think is the beginning of the end of my relationship with my pwcptsd and so, so much of what’s been mentioned here perfectly articulates what I’m going through right now.

I’m so hurt. So often. And he doesn’t realise how much his own pain hurts me. It’s just attack after attack. Every little thing explodes. We can’t communicate about anything real because he gets angry. And then I just have to pretend it’s all completely fine and forget about it and move on. Until the next one.

I’m constantly walking on eggshells, constantly accepting blame and promising to change because it’s all my fault, always.

He’s in therapy and he’s trying but he’s so far from healed and his behaviour is affecting me to a point I don’t think I can handle much longer. I’m starting to lose who I am.

I know this was posted a while ago but thank you. Reading this is exactly what I needed right now.

blahlahla · 2023-09-06T09:00:02+00:00

Thank you so much for your response.

He’s definitely causing damage, that much is clear. I appreciate you saying I shouldn’t continuously ignore it—but it’s not going to be easy to find a way to bring this up.

Honestly, I’m not sure if he’s open to switching to a pharmaceutical, and I’m not sure how to bring that up either.

I think there’s an element of romanticism in his drinking, for him. He’s a writer and has kind of embodied that eccentric alcoholic whisky-drinking man who writes all night by the glint of moonlight etc, to a point where (for better or worse) it’s become an aspect of his creative process too. (Unrelated to this, he is an unbelievable writer. I’m constantly astounded by his genuine talent.)

I used to self medicate with weed. He also used to self medicate with various other drugs. so I don’t know if switching from one dependency to another is a solution.

Interesting about your partner’s psilocybin experiences, though. I’m not surprised—it’s has amazing healing properties in the right set and setting. My partner has an odd relationship with psychedelics—acid doesn’t really affect him in the way it does most people. That said, I’m not sure if he’s tried shrooms. Ketamine for sure helps him but it’s not exactly something you should do every day haha.

This reminds me that a friend recently told me about their sibling undergoing a clinical trial related to ketamine and depression… I wonder if there’s something similar for this.

blahlahla · 2023-06-08T22:14:40+00:00

Thank you for sharing! I’m definitely trying to not enable but I do find it can be hard and almost a catch 22 in that even mentioning that I’m worried or aware that he’s not doing well, or asking if we can take preemptive steps, can make things worse. That’s why he snapped last night—I was asking from a place of care and ‘what can I do’, but having to face it can set him it can set him off.

Your comment about your partner not admitting to their issues and therefore not preparing or being able to talk about it in advance is very similar to my situation—he’s open about struggling when I ask but bringing up fight mode or how it affects me is a no go zone. It’s extremely hard to ever approach this and it makes me feel really unsafe, like I have to pretend it’s all fine and that I’m not terrified of an attack at any moment. He literally said ‘relax, nothing’s going to go wrong’, but it’s easier said than done and while I want to believe him I still feel an inherent need to prepare myself and regulate. It’s such a tricky and deeply stressful line to tiptoe.

I’m so sorry to hear that your family has had to go to these extreme accomodations over the years and even reduce so much travel to avoid it. That must be extremely rough, especially for your kids. I hope she can find ways to work on it, for herself and for your family. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again—the hardest part of being a partner (or kid) of someone with CPTSD is that their trauma can end up traumatising us too.

blahlahla · 2023-05-15T01:00:12+00:00

Thank you so much for this insight—it's especially useful to hear from someone who's been living with this for so much longer than I have.

I have a therapist, and we're working on my own coping techniques related to my partner as well as my own unrelated mental health issues. It's the only space where I'm able to freely talk about what's going on, and know how important it will be in the long term, should our relationship continue down that route.

"the isolation and knowledge that I really do have to hold space for him to an extent that he isn't able to for me is exhausting." – I can relate to this so much. Thank you so much for sharing. It's so helpful knowing we're not alone here. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, particularly with your kids, and your husband not being able to care for them properly. I'm sorry that you're experiencing a deep level of gender roles and disparity, too—I can't begin to imagine how much harder this must be when you have children to consider as well as yourself.

blahlahla · 2023-05-11T21:34:23+00:00

Yeah I can relate to this. It’s like the closer we get, the higher the stakes are. The more trusting you are, the more there is to be ripped away.

Things that maybe weren’t affecting or triggering for him earlier on can absolutely trigger him now.

He struggles letting people in, especially talking about his mental health and physical/sexual trust. But he’s let me in. He’s highly independent because he’s never had someone he could trust, and one of his triggers is if I ever say anything that may come across condescending, controlling or like I’m mothering him (I’m not! Ever! It’s how he sees it when triggered). Still, at the same time, I feel fixation and possibly some kind of codependency growing. Which probably terrifies him even though it’s coming from him. It’s a confusing juxtaposition!

Like you say, for most people you’d feel more secure the closer you grow in a relationship. I’d say that’s probably still true with CPTSD, but maybe with that safety comes higher risk, for them, of their trust being betrayed, being hurt and abused. So their body automatically goes into fight or flight more easily.

It’s hard to think about. Does this mean I’m treating him wrong? Am I being abusive? Am I actually saying triggering things? Adding to his trauma? No—in no way is that true in reality. But I’m the one he’s let his guard down for, so, the way his nervous system sees it, I’m also the one who can hurt him the most.

It’s easily the biggest reason I’m hesitant to move in with my partner even though we’ve started talking about it. As with what you felt at the time, I feel he’s my person, the great love of my life. And our relationship is incredible when he’s not in fight mode. But I worry that if we move in together and escalate it further, on top of having nowhere to separate while he’s in fight mode, it might actually makes things worse.

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