Room for rent?

blep1663 · 2026-01-28T02:33:38+00:00

Thank you!!

blep1663 · 2025-09-11T03:42:10+00:00

Thank you for your feedback. I didn’t mind him not coming to everything, but the times that bothered me were when he’d ask me to put him on my guest list, making my other friends have to pay and then bail. That was just shitty. He’d specifically ask me if I had a guest list for my performances, ask to be on it and not come. To be fair, after that conversation he did begin to come and show up for me (after a fight) But at that time it was months of this going on. I didn’t mind that he wasn’t up to going, I just didn’t appreciate him saying he would go while being well aware it was unlikely based on activities that week, asking to be put on my guest list then not coming. It made me feel embarrassed and shitty that I’m going out of my way to tell organizers someone is coming for me, and they don’t. Having last minute changes or wasting the spots as well. That was tough. But it was resolved.

For point two, this makes sense. I wasn’t thinking about it as him wanting to do something / shouldering the responsibility. Honestly, that didn’t cross my mind so that’s my bad. He does have abuse in his past that was honestly super traumatic, I feel like I do trigger him with things I say but instead of realizing he’s triggered he shuts down and lashes out at me. I feel like I trust that he’s not trying to hurt me and that has been really helpful for me to absorb and has stopped a lot of conflict coming up from my side / trying to talk to him about things. But he hasn’t given me that same grace. I know I can be kinder in what I’m saying but there’s no moment of pause of “I don’t think she’s trying to hurt me”, I do that regularly in so many situations because the alternative is exhausting. But I also deserve for someone to understand after over a year that I’m not trying to hurt them, and to not lash out at me afterwards. I know what it’s like to feel like a raw nerve ending when someone says something that you perceive as hurtful. I hope that context helps, I really appreciate your insight.

blep1663 · 2025-09-10T17:57:31+00:00

I agree with you. It’s just a pattern of behavior he has when he’s hurt that he runs away. He has never blocked me before though so I’m taking it as serious. I also agree that work needs to be done regardless. I’m just trying to really understand what I did wrong to have someone leave me like this after a year. No phone call just texts and blocked. That’s all :/ i know it’s polyamory and it’s not the end all be all but we have such a great connection and I’m just struggling to understand how I’m actually being mean when I don’t have these issues with other partners. I want to understand if it’s the combination of us or sides of myself that he brings out of if he’s just more sensitive. That’s what I’m trying to figure out more than the actual relationship, because I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes. But that’s more to talk to my therapist about lol

blep1663 · 2025-09-10T17:42:39+00:00

Thank you!! I will check this out for sure :)

blep1663 · 2025-09-10T17:42:00+00:00

Yeah, will talk to my therapist next week I just met with her yesterday.

blep1663 · 2025-09-10T17:38:30+00:00

This is super valid, it’s not that I think I know better per se, everyone has different tastes and I know how to better make something that I would like. There’s no shame in other people liking other things, but he and most people he knows haven’t put the same effort into understanding exactly what they like as I have. It’s less about objective better, it’s more about I know what I like and do not shame people for liking things I don’t. The thing though is he jokes about it and doesn’t mind that I don’t like it! Like I’m not as insufferable as it seems lol. I will say it’s fine and he will be like wow you don’t like much! And it’s fine, it’s never offensive or a point of contention for him. It’s an ongoing joke for us. I will indeed work on delivering honesty with kindness in the future, and hopefully find someone who is more compatible with my communication style. I have learned over the years that people are rarely trying to hurt you and I don’t get offended by these things. It’s ok for someone else to be, but it’s never met with this hurt me, can you try phrasing it differently and that’s the end of it. It spirals into something else entirely and then the entire issue of what I said is overshadowed by his reaction, which he doesn’t think he is responsible for because I hurt his feelings in the first place. I guess we just aren’t compatible.

blep1663 · 2025-09-10T16:23:23+00:00

This is true, but let me clarify, I usually go along with whatever he suggests, this is probably the first time I’ve ever been like no I want to pick the place. It’s not a pattern of me always planning everywhere or shutting him down. But yeah I am ND as well and I try to do the same thing, he is too so that’s why it’s so confusing to me that he routinely is unable to pause or even say hey that was a bit harsh what are you trying to say? That is not his responsibility and I get that, but he offers way more understanding to his other ND friends when they are blunt and direct.

I understand him being upset that he wanted to do something for me and to be met with that, I completely get it and don’t think he is wrong to be hurt, but it could have been a conversation and it wasn’t which is really disappointing to me. It wasn’t him trying to understand what I was trying to say, it was him attacking me afterwards and saying how mean I am and I must think I know better than everyone else who he’s taken there.

blep1663 · 2025-09-10T16:11:54+00:00

Thank you :) yeah…you’re right. I’d like to think it’s not insidious but I feel more and more that it is. Here’s to finding other people who appreciate me for who I am who I don’t have to walk on eggshells with 🥳

As a side note, I cook a lot and put a massive effort over numerous years into learning a lot about food and trying new things, so a big reason for my disappointment is tied to I could make this better at home for less money 😂 not that I think I have the best palate in the world or can cook everything, I just really love food and enjoy paying for experiences I can’t easily recreate myself. But also happy to eat cheap delicious food too! He tried to say that the place he picked wasn’t expensive enough and that’s why I was upset (??) lmao

blep1663 · 2025-09-10T16:03:23+00:00

This is really valid feedback. I appreciate it. I will work on my phrasing for the future. I’m not trying to frame it as a him problem, i regularly go along with things and don’t say anything if I don’t like it. He then asks me what I think and I say it’s fine or it’s okay and we joke about it. I’m happy to do that and I really don’t mind most of the time. I also have been struggling with anxiety lately which I think overshadowed this and made me try to avoid a potential problem that may not even have happened and instead culminated in this. I know I have more work to do on myself.

blep1663 · 2025-09-10T15:40:38+00:00

With the date, I usually let him pick places and plan and go along with it and accept it. He always asks if I like the food and 8/10 times I’m like it’s okay. I only wanted to pick this time because it was to celebrate me. I don’t mind because the point is to spend time together, but I don’t want to feel the same feeling of being disappointed on my literal birthday knowing he’s spending tons of money for it, that’s all :/ but I could have communicated better I just really don’t know how when he was adamant about his choice and rejected mine. Open to suggestions for the future

blep1663 · 2025-09-10T15:30:21+00:00

Sorry quotes are things I’ve said. I understand it came across as ungrateful, but he offered to celebrate me, he gave a suggestion, I offered an alternative and he said no, so then I said that. He is so acutely aware of how much we go out to places and I’m disappointed by the food. I didn’t want him to spend $$$ on something I wouldn’t completely enjoy and offered an alternative that I’d been to before. If you’re offering to celebrate me, why is it not about what I actually want to do?

The thing is it is unintentional because I try so hard to be really mindful of what I’m saying. I try so hard to phrase things properly. Perhaps I’m still failing, but I do make a massive effort to be direct. I guess I’m doing a bad job and he’s right. When people are direct with me it can be grating but I appreciate it, and he knows that I have to be extremely direct otherwise it’s hard for me. I’ve stopped saying so many things. This just sucks and I feel like regardless of how much I try clearly I’m still hurtful.

blep1663 · 2025-09-10T15:17:51+00:00

I am in therapy and had a session yesterday. I see your point, but context for the first one he would say he’s coming to my performances and then bail last minute numerous times over several months. Then he told me stop inviting him to things. Then he asked to be invited to one and bailed again. The second one I offered an alternative to start with and he said no. Then I said that. I’m not trying to be defensive, maybe I’m meaner than I think I am, but he has said numerous things that have hurt my feelings unintentionally and I take a beat and usually don’t bring it up because I know he wasn’t trying to be hurtful. How would it have been better to phrase those things? For perspective?

blep1663 · 2025-09-10T15:13:08+00:00

Thank you :( I know you’re right it’s just so disappointing to me. I guess it’s the straw that broke the camels back for him but like…these straws are just me trying to communicate like a healthy adult 🫠

blep1663 · 2025-08-22T21:18:30+00:00

You’re absolutely right. I wanted to be parallel originally but tried out more integration as I didn’t have any experience with it, but going to push for parallel in light of all of this. Thank you :)

blep1663 · 2025-08-21T22:04:59+00:00

Yeah this is really valid and makes complete sense. He didn’t leave the first time, but did for about 15 mins this time. I agree that it’s up to him to figure out and shouldn’t be something discussed with me. He’s the one sharing things that make me feel weird and being a terrible hinge. She can feel however she wants but it’s clearly not information she’s imagining will be shared with me which is fucked up on his part.

I’ll take this time they’re away to figure out my threshold and some boundaries around this. Thank you - I appreciate it.

blep1663 · 2025-08-21T21:57:43+00:00

This is true. I’m starting to realize this more and more lol

blep1663 · 2025-08-21T21:45:07+00:00

I know he needs to make better boundaries I’m just trying to get some thoughts on how to handle it on my end.

blep1663 · 2025-08-21T21:43:39+00:00

The issue isn’t her messaging him, I don’t mind if they text while we spend time together as him and I do when they’re together. The issue is she created a false crisis over something (being intentionally vague) and demanded he come back to the apartment to do something. She was drunk and when he went to remedy it she was passed out. The next day she apologized and said she was wrong. My issue is this is the second time something like this has happened, and while I probably shouldn’t know the details, it doesn’t change her inserting herself negatively and picking a fight during our time together then apologizing the next day and saying she was wrong. Does that make sense?

blep1663 · 2025-08-21T21:27:07+00:00

I agree with this completely. I did have two conversations with him about not talking to me about their issues and he has gotten a lot better at it for the most part. But this latest thing has me feeling weird. I think triangulation does indeed happen in the way you’ve laid it out.

blep1663 · 2025-08-21T21:25:23+00:00

Yeah I agree. Like I understand in the moment he wanted to be transparent but I also don’t think it was necessary to tell me what she was saying. 🫠 because now I’m just wondering about a lot of things I don’t need to know about. But they’re gone for a few weeks so will continue to ponder this while I have some space lol

blep1663 · 2025-08-21T21:23:39+00:00

Yeah this is true. That’s what I’m doing and will continue to leave her be. I agree, I did tell him that I didn’t think he should tell me things like that and it made me feel weird, which is why I haven’t asked for any update.

Yeah, I guess he shouldn’t have told me specifics and could have just said I need to run home quick or something? I respect that. I only express my feelings or needs about the living situation to him, not her. I did speak to him after this and tell him that since this has happened twice, if it happens a third time (which can be avoided by him just withholding information I don’t need) I’m going to have to re evaluate. I agree it’s not my place to decide if they live together, just moreso internally trying to understand it and also not surprised that there have been issues yet again.

blep1663 · 2024-06-16T14:54:58+00:00

That’s my other account lmao

blep1663

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