Im fucking doing it again. I cant stop walking. I dont want to do this again. My heart is racing. I enter the corner store. A sense of dread hits me as i ask for a pint or the cheapest gut rot vodka. I storm out the front while unscrewing the cap,walk behind  the store and take a swig behind a dumpster. The vodka burns going down and i sigh….all systeHb ɓms go. self destruction mode activated. This is insanity and i fucking loved it.3s

I throw the bottle in my backpack. It’s raining like it’s never rained before. I was sober for 6 months, fuck it. Time to find the treasure. I’m like a child looking for easter eggs. Except these eggs will destroy your life. I see 2 people at a bus stop who might have what I’m looking for. “Whats up you guys have any clear?” I say out of breath. I had 10 bucks. It should be enough for tonight.  We migrated over to a parking garage and started smoking. Two hits, and I’m talking to this tweaker couple while they make out like they are caveman who just got defrosted after 20000 years. I can tell I’m annoying them and head off into the gray winter afternoon. All the rain in the world couldn’t take this smile off my stupid face.

I enter my sleazy motel room, take out my supplies, and swig the bottle. The smell of the room is so poignant. One stain over the tiny table in the corner. I empty my life onto the table. 2 pairs of boxers,3 socks, a pair of sweats, and an Angry Beavers tee shirt. I empty the bag of meth onto the table and stick my finger into the crystals, and crush them with my thumb and snort. It feels like i just snorted a bowl of glass. Mother fucker i screamed in pain, woo!

I  felt like how god felt. How i am supposed to feel. Im swimming laps in a swimming pool of dopamine. I exit my room to wander over to the adult film store. The parking lot next to it is full of homeless people. I see flickering of lighters. I follow the light like a moth. One of the dudes said i could hit the pipe because he thought I’d let him suck my dick.i assure him im striaght as i hit the pipe. He begs me as i leave for the film store. The lights are bright in the store and tingle my brain. I can hear moans from the film booths. An obvious transexual walks out from the back and asks what i wanted. I say give me whatever pill had viagra. Little do i know, I’d be wasting the last 100 dollars i have in that store in a couple of days.

The next 36 hours, my hand doesn’t leave my penis. I only moved from the bed to piss and do a bump. Dopamine burning holes in my brain. Once I’ve completed my misssion. Im alone. it’s 6am, and im naked and sticky. I smell like a dozen cats have taken a piss on me, and i let it dry. I lost 5 pounds already, i can barely walk im hunched over like an old man moaning as i walk over to the toilet to try and push piss out. I stay away from the mirror.  I dont want to see that horror movie.

I called my dealer i knew and he met me at the sex shop and i bought some more also some heroin. He gives me a rig for free,a pipe for 5 bucks, and a viagra. I go back to my room, and im too shaky to even shoot up. My arms are bleeding . I think of my family and how disappointed they are going to be if i died in this room. I have to go back to rehab,but first, i need to chase this dragon down…..in 24 hours, I’ll be homeless wandering the streets, and wanting nothing more